


52 Weeks

by Moonyeyedwalrus



Series: Kick in the Head [2]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, also how a relationship in the group affects everyone else, boys making poor choices, like it's complicated, more body image stuff, ot6 friendship, the process of establishing a relationship really, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 126,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6585205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonyeyedwalrus/pseuds/Moonyeyedwalrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Jongup and Himchan learn that sometimes saying "I love you" is the easy part. Here's what happens after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Week One**

 

"What happens next?" Jongup asked. 

What happened next was this: When Jongup and Himchan eventually exited the planetarium, they were met with whoops and applause from their bandmates. 

"Jongup found Ursa Major!" Youngjae told the curious staff. 

They sat in the far back of the van and held hands all the way back to the hotel, ignoring the grins their friends kept shooting at them. Himchan could see Daehyun and Youngjae in particular were itching to start in with the teasing and questions, but they couldn't say anything with the driver and Manager Kang up front. Good. Let someone else test their self-control for a change. 

It was a relief to spill out of the van and return to the hotel. By some miracle, Kang was held up in the lobby talking to the concierge, and only the six members of B.A.P made it onto the elevator. Yongguk sidled over to Himchan. 

"Youngjae'll swap with Jonguppie tonight," he said in a low voice. Himchan looked at him, startled. "Just for tonight," Yongguk hastened to add. "So no one notices..."

The group was being followed intermittently by a camera crew during the tour, an updated version of BAP Attack! It had been something akin to torture for Himchan, playing the happy mood-maker for the cameras while trying not to die every time he looked at Jongup. He had a feeling it--and everything, really--was about to get a whole lot more fun.

Still, they would have to be careful around the cameras. Tonight might be their last chance to be alone for a while. 

"Thanks." Himchan glanced at Jongup, who was on his other side and had heard this exchange. His face was blank in that way only Moon Jongup could manage. Himchan touched the small of his back lightly and Jongup gave the smallest of nods. Good enough. 

Upstairs, Youngjae followed Himchan while Jongup stopped by his old room. 

"Just let me grab some stuff, yeah?" Youngjae said. In his typical fashion, he'd strewn his belongings all around the room in the few hours he'd inhabited it. Thankfully, he was just as efficient at stuffing it all back in his suitcase, and soon he was at the door, ready to go. He paused. 

"I'm really happy for you guys," he said. He met Himchan's eyes briefly in a rare moment of shyness. If his arms hadn't been full of his things, Himchan would have hugged him. 

"Thank you," he said instead.

There was a light knock on the door and Youngjae opened it to find Jongup, toothbrush in one hand, the other hand in his pocket, a t-shirt and shorts slung over his shoulder. He raised an eyebrow at the full load Youngjae was carrying. 

"I'll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow," he said, moving out of the way so Youngjae could get out. 

"Cool," Youngjae said awkwardly. He was trying not to grin again. "Have...um, have a good night, you two." 

"Go away now," Himchan advised, and Youngjae snorted, darting across the hall, to kick at Junhong's door. 

"Maknae!" he called. Jongup slipped into the room and they closed the door just as Junhong was opening his. 

Jongup deposited his toothbrush next to the sink and tossed the clothes he'd brought onto the TV. He was still mostly made up from their MTV concert, though he'd long since changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. His black hair was mussed, pushed up off his forehead. Himchan didn't think he'd ever seen anyone so fucking beautiful. 

Jongup pulled his sweatshirt off now, revealing the plain white t-shirt he had on underneath. He still hadn't looked at Himchan, but for once, Himchan wasn't stressing over it.  

Jongup loved him. He _loved_ him, and he was here now because he wanted to be. There was a balloon of happiness in Himchan's chest that threatened to burst when he thought about it. 

Jongup kicked off his shoes and Himchan followed suit, also remembering to take off his own jacket. Then he waited to see what Jongup would do next. 

The room was warmly lit by a single lamp next to Himchan's bed. The glow was doing nice things to Jongup's skin. He was carefully moving his shoes to the mat next to the door. He returned, and looked at Himchan for the first time. He looked for a long time.

"You look at me like I'm gonna disappear," Himchan said. Jongup smiled slightly at the echo of his own long-ago words. 

"Would you really have gone to the army?" he asked. Himchan sighed. He'd known they would have to talk about this again. 

"Yes," he said honestly. "Not because I wanted to, but...yeah, I would have." The choice between enlisting for two years and going that long in Jongup's presence without being able to be with him--without being able to touch him, to be with him the way he wanted to--was an easy one. 

Jongup frowned; he clearly didn't like this answer. Himchan reached out, clasped one of his wrists and pulled the shorter boy in. "But the good news is I don't have to," he reminded him. Jongup nodded but his expression didn't clear. 

"Yet," he said.

"Yet," Himchan agreed. He didn't like thinking about enlisting. He and Yongguk had talked about it, of course. They'd go at the same time. But Yongguk was adamant that their dongsaengs would wait until they were older so they wouldn't spend what should be the prime years of their career in the army. But two years for him and Himchan and two years for the others made a total of _four years_ they'd be apart at some point. The thought made Himchan sick to his stomach.

He didn't want to think about this tonight. Granted, he didn't want to think about this _ever_ , but especially not tonight. Tonight, he just wanted to be with Jongup. He reached out a thumb and pressed it gently against the vertical line that had formed between the younger man's eyebrows until his expression cleared, and then Jongup was _looking_ at him in that way that only Jongup had, like he was the most fascinating thing on the planet. 

Himchan moved his hand from his face down to the neck of his shirt. Slipped a finger under it, felt the finely muscled shoulder jump slightly at the contact. Jongup smiled slightly and took half a step closer so they were chest to chest. Himchan felt him take a hold of the bottom of his shirt. He had only to lean forward slightly to press their foreheads together. They held eye contact and he could see Jongup suppressing a smile. 

"Jongup-ah."

"Mm."

"Jongup-ah."

"Hyung."

"Jongup-ah we have a whole night to ourselves."

Now Jongup couldn't hide his grin and neither could Himchan, nor could he wait to do what he'd been wanting to do all these miserable weeks apart and kiss him. 

It was like coming up for air after being under water too long. It was like having a drink of cold water after a drought. It was like seeing the sun after a long, miserable night. 

Himchan could have kept up with the cheesy metaphors forever, but they had to come up for air at some point. They broke apart reluctantly and Jongup slid his arms around Himchan's middle. 

"I missed that," he mumbled. 

"I missed it more."

Jongup slapped Himchan's ass and he laughed. "I did, though," he protested, letting his own hands wander and become reacquainted with the glorious ass of Moon Jongup. "Or did I miss this more?" he mused, giving it a squeeze, and Jongup snorted.

"Knew it."

Himchan kissed him again and didn't resist when he was walked backwards to the bed. He pulled Jongup down on him so they wouldn't lose contact for a second. He really _had_ missed this. Still, he pulled back for a minute. 

"Fuck the tour," he said. "We're not leaving this room again for at least a month."

Jongup grinned down at him. "What about food?"

"Room service."

"Well what about...wait, is there even anything else? Bed, food, shower, _you_...what's the rest of the world got to offer that's better than that? I forget," Jongup said. 

"So you're in?"

"We can say we have an infectious disease and have to be quarantined!" Jongup said, brightening. "We _have_ to stay here, or the others will catch our--like, sores and vomiting and stuff."

Himchan burst out laughing. "Oh, Jongup," he said, pulling him back down. "You always say the most romantic things."

*****************************

Jongup didn't know what to do with his hands. He didn't usually have this problem, but all of a sudden he couldn't remember what his hands usually did during interviews. He tried clasping them together between his knees, but that looked weird, didn't it? So he rested them on his knees. But that felt stiff and strange and his left hand kept trying to wander off to the knee next to it, which was what he was trying to avoid.

It was very, very hard not to be touching Himchan at all times. 

Himchan, his...boyfriend. Jongup kept trying the word on for size. It felt both immense and severely lacking. His _boyfriend_ \--it was so weird. In his understanding, a boyfriend was someone you could point to, say _this is my--_ and people would understand what you meant. 

Except they wouldn't. Boyfriend meant _dating_ to most people, and Jongup and Himchan had been on two dates total, but had lived together for years. Jongup knew how Himchan liked his coffee and what his voice sounded like when he needed sleep and that he always had weird dreams if he didn't do his nighttime routine in just the right order. 

Jongup knew the exact pleading tone Himchan used before he asked for coffee. He knew the three songs that would get Himchan out of any stupor because he hated them so much and could not abide hearing them in his presence. He knew that a pinch _here_ mean _pay attention to me_ and a pinch _there_ meant just plain old _pay attention, Jonguppie._ He knew if Himchan said Yongguk needed a break it must be true, and that half the time when he bought food it was because he knew someone else in the group needed to eat. Himchan noticed things like that. 

Jongup didn't know if the word "boyfriend" covered any of that stuff. 

He found himself staring at their knees, which were touching. He hadn't heard most of the interview and forced himself to pay attention. They were still asking Yongguk questions about the tour, so that was all right, but questions about the solo stages usually came next. He forced his expression into one of polite interest. It wasn't easy, because at that moment Himchan reached over and grasped his knee lightly. Casually. Like he'd done hundreds of times in hundreds of interviews before. 

Except this time Jongup was flashing back to the night before, the ride back to the hotel from the planetarium. Himchan's hand--the one not holding Jongup's--had rested on his knee the whole way, only there'd been real promise behind the touch, and he hadn't disappointed. 

But this would be a really, really bad time to think about that hotel. 

Jongup shifted in his seat and, sure enough, the interview turned to talk of the solo stages. Yes, Jongup and Zelo had written their own songs. Thankfully this time it was Zelo's turn to show off a bit of his own choreography. Jongup wasn't sure he could have remembered the words to his own song if he'd been called on to sing some of it. 

While everyone's attention was on the maknae, Jongup glanced over at Himchan. He was watching Zelo too, but his smile changed when Jongup looked at him as though he could feel the weight of his gaze. Became private somehow, and his hand tightened a little on Jongup's knee. 

Jongup looked away and smiled.

***

It wasn't like anyone had ever told him this would be easy, but Himchan really thought _someone_ could have mentioned how often the life of an idol would involve dancing in leather. 

He grimaced at his stagewear. He'd be a dripping mess by the end of the first song. At least he'd look cool for those first thirty seconds or so. And it was a better look that the schoolboy outfit he'd have to change into for the Carnival songs later in the concert. He thought that one made him look depressingly like a teacher who was trying too hard to look cool. 

Not that he could actually be depressed today. 

He turned away from his row of stage costumes and searched backstage until he found Jongup, who was patiently listening to Daehyun while he got his hair touched up. Himchan almost laughed at the look on Jongup's face. To the casual observer, he seemed to be listening attentively, but Himchan knew him well enough to know he was probably contemplating the likelihood of alternate universes or something.

As if Himchan's attention had summoned him, Jongup suddenly met his eyes across the room and his lips twitched. Himchan rolled his eyes at him sympathetically and Jongup didn't even hide his grin. Daehyun punched him lightly on the shoulder as he realized he didn't have his full attention, then motioned to Himchan in a _come on, then_ kind of gesture. 

Himchan joined them, out of the worst of the backstage traffic, just as the stylist turned his attention from Jongup's hair to Daehyun's. 

"Himchan-hyung! You look so sexy, eh, Jongup?" Daehyun said, elbowing Jongup. Himchan suppressed another eye roll. Daehyun had never been subtle. But then, this wasn't such an unusual thing for him to say, either, so it didn't matter that he said it in front of a stylist. (It was true, anyway.) Jongup just gave Daehyun a blank look that set him twitching. "I mean, not as sexy as _I_ look! Or--Youngjae!" Daehyun cast about a bit desperately, pulling in the other vocal, letting Jongup and Himchan make their escape. 

Himchan pulled Jongup into the hallway behind the stage. Here it was dark and loud and easy to duck behind some tall sound equipment. They could barely hear each other over the noise of the crowd beyond the curtain and the pound of the venue's music. 

But then, they weren't all that interested in talking, anyway. 

They had to show restraint so as not to mess up each other's hair and makeup, but the featherlight kisses Jongup was dropping down Himchan's neck had him shaking, and he could feel the smaller man trembling under his hands when he slipped them beneath his shirt. 

They didn't have long before they heard their cues being called with increasing urgency, and they darted back out into the open, laughing, and joined their teammates. 

***

Jongup hadn't let himself watch Himchan's solo stage before. Somehow he thought it might not be all that helpful to watch him perform one of B.A.P's sexiest songs when the order of the day was to stay away and get over him at all costs. 

Tonight, though, he let himself watch, and was glad he'd waited. Himchan looked very, very good in a white button-down. Everyone was always talking about how manly Jongup was because of his body, but he'd always thought Himchan had this sort of manliness that he himself couldn't touch. He always felt a little _off_ in suits, even after all these years and the hundreds he'd had to wear. Himchan looked like he'd been made to wear them.

He sounded amazing, too, and Jongup could see how hard he must have worked on the choreography. Normally he'd have helped him practice, but this had been during their self-imposed separation, and he was happy to see how well Himchan had done without him. 

Daehyun came up behind him and nudged him. He'd changed into his final stage outfit, basic black t-shirt and his Live on Earth hoodie. 

"Your boyfriend's pretty good," he said--well, bellowed, over the noise--into Jongup's ear. 

Jongup was grateful to his friends for being okay with him and Himchan. Hell, they were more than okay with it, they were all being actively supportive, and it was the kindest thing ever. But Daehyun in particular was so eager to show he was really okay with it that he kept going overboard in typical Jung Daehyun fashion. Jongup knew he'd calm down in a week or two, but for now he was still a little worried his hyung would say something in front of someone he shouldn't. Thankfully, no one else could have heard him at the moment.

He just nodded, not wanting to take his attention off Himchan while he was singing. He was spared having to give a real answer when two of the stylists came over and started mussing with their hair. They'd be back onstage in a minute. 

The experience of performing now that Jongup didn't have to avoid Himchan was wholly different. He felt a little sorry for fans who had seen their earlier shows, because he just _knew_ he was a million times better now. So was Himchan. They kept meeting each other's eyes and cracking up, or bumping into each other on purpose. The concert passed with freakish, happy speed. Jongup kind of never wanted it to end. 

Then he looked at Himchan and kind of wanted everyone else to go away. 

Any time his thoughts drifted back to the night before, he felt himself blushing and he couldn't stop grinning. 

After the concert and the hi-touch, after the members had finally all changed back into their own clothes, they headed back to the hotel. Himchan and Jongup were pushed into the back seat, something Jongup felt no need to complain about. Especially when Himchan sat closer to him than was strictly necessary and Jongup pressed their legs together. He risked a glance at Himchan and saw him suppressing a smile. He faced forward again, trying not to grin all over the place. 

The others were excited about the concert, hyper from another great show. Zelo was drumming on the back of the seat in front of him, which happened to be Yongguk's. Jongup could hear the leader laughing. Daehyun and Youngjae  had one of the handheld cameras they were using for their show, and were arguing over who'd screwed up their solo the worst. They really could compete over anything. 

At some point Himchan had moved his hand so it rested lightly on his own thigh, bringing his pinkie finger to rest against Jongup's.

They'd been doing this for days, seeing how much they could get away with around the cameras. Jongup was dimly aware that possibly they weren't being as careful as they should.

But he kind of liked it.

He liked seeing what kind of reaction his innocent-seeming touches could get out of Himchan. He liked that he could _fluster_ him. 

Now he raised his pinkie up so it rested on Himchan's. Youngjae turned around in his seat, camera in hand, to ask Jongup something about his solo, and Jongup thought he answered normally enough. At least the camera was only pointing at his face. Most of his attention was still on the man next to him. 

The man whose foot was currently snaking behind Jongup's ankle, pulling his foot closer. Jongup tried not to laugh. 

Youngjae wasn't fooled for a minute. His eyes narrowed and his gaze flew first to their hands--they played it cool by jerking them away from each other--then down to their feet. He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. 

"You two," he said fondly, and made a show of covering his eyes before he turned back in his seat.

"Who wants to be interviewed?" he bellowed to the van at large.

Jongup glanced at Himchan, caught him glancing back, and they both cracked up. This was just so _ridiculous_. It was kind of amazing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Week Four**

Jongup's calf was killing him. He made it onto one of the hotel room chairs and did his best to stretch out his leg. It hurt so badly he couldn't fully muffle his groan. He groped for his water bottle and took a hasty sip. He needed hydration. A banana would have been good. They went over this stuff in the early years of dance training, when the combination of intense practice sessions and growth spurts had half the trainees cramping up at all times. Jongup hadn't had one this bad in ages, though. 

There was a knock at the door. Not Daehyun; he and Jongup were back to sharing and he'd have his own key. 

"Jongup-ah?" Himchan. Jongup winced, wishing they all had keys to each others' rooms. He couldn't just leave Himchan out there or he'd think he was mad at him or something. 

He pushed himself to his feet--well, his foot, as his left was still cramping painfully and wouldn't take his weight--and hobbled to the door. 

"Jongup-ah!"

"Coming," he managed, and fumbled with the handle, admitting his boyfriend at last. 

"What took you--" Himchan's joking admonishment dried up as he got a good look at Jongup. "Oh." He ducked into the room, kicked the door shut and got his shoulder under Jongup's arm to help him back to his seat. He crouched in front of him, dark eyes narrow with concern. "Your leg?"

"Just a cramp," Jongup said through gritted teeth. 

" _Just_ ," Himchan scoffed. He turned his attention to the offending limb and ran his hands gently over the calf. "Shit, I can feel it," he murmured. "Are you drinking water?"

Jongup raised his bottle and waved it in reply. 

"Okay." Himchan untied Jongup's sneaker and slid it off carefully, then moved to peel off his sock. Jongup tried to pull his leg back. 

"Don't, what are you--I'm all sweaty," he protested. 

"You're disgusting," Himchan agreed mildly, removing the sock. If he was at all put off by Jongup's foot, red and sweaty and yes, disgusting, he didn't show it. He put it on his lap and began massaging the arch carefully with one hand while smoothing the other over Jongup's ankle and up to his calf. For a long minute the pain sharpened, then, blissfully, the cramp began to release. Jongup let out his breath and relaxed in his seat, staring down at Himchan as he continued to probe at his leg. 

"Where'd you learn to do that?" he asked. Himchan glanced up and smiled at him. 

"I used to cramp like crazy when I was a trainee and I remember what helped."

Jongup supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Himchan could play so many instruments, and Jongup knew from personal experience that he had talented hands in other ways. This was just another use for them. 

"Thanks," he offered. Himchan just hummed in reply and continued. The cramp had faded but Jongup didn't have the strength to tell him to stop; it felt too good. Himchan's face was peaceful and content as he worked. This was the first chance they'd had to be alone in almost three days. It had been a busy week for filming, plus they'd had concerts back-to-back-to-back. 

Jongup leaned forward and stilled Himchan's hands. He flexed his leg carefully. It was a bit stiff, but that was all. He was lucky he'd made it through the show before it had seized up.

Himchan was watching him curiously. 

"Where are the others?" Jongup asked. 

"When I left they were filming down by the pool. They wanted me to come get you."

Jongup made a face. That meant they'd be expected back. He was a little surprised one of the staff hadn't barged in already to see what was taking them so long. He noticed for the first time that Himchan was wearing swimming trunks with his black t-shirt.

"It's too dark out for swimming," he grumbled. 

"They have lights." Himchan seemed amused by his mood. Jongup couldn't help but smile back. 

"You're in a good mood."

Himchan squeezed his hands, then released them to cup Jongup's calves with his warm palms. "Pretty much full time lately," he agreed. "Can't imagine what that's about."

Jongup's forced smile settled into the real thing and he leaned in to kiss Himchan. 

"Don't make us go down there," he said when he pulled back. "Tell them I'm asleep or something."

"If you want me to go without you," Himchan said, starting to rise, but Jongup grabbed his wrist and pulled him down so he was pretty much sitting in his lap. 

"I'll crush you!" Himchan protested, half-laughing but half-serious.

"Nuh-uh," Jongup said, shifting so Himchan fit more comfortably over him. He liked how solid he was. He grounded him, in more ways than one. He ran his hands over his thighs. Himchan's eyes fluttered closed and he sighed.

"Jongup-ah..."

Jongup leaned back reluctantly. This was stupid. He wished he could just be happy the way Himchan was. He _should_ just be happy. But he couldn't stop _wanting_ , all the time--he had a mental list of everything he wanted to do with Himchan. 

He had a mental list of everything he wanted to do _to_ Himchan. 

So far none of it was getting crossed off and he was getting impatient. He wished they could just be roommates again. The covert stuff wasn't enough anymore, especially since they could barely even do _that_ with all the cameras around. 

Himchan turned out to be the patient one, which was a twist Jongup hadn't seen coming. On one hand it was sweet; Himchan was really just so happy to be with him after all this time that the cameras and the hiding didn't affect him. 

On the other hand, Jongup kept wanting to--wanting to--wanting. There was a bed less than a meter away from them, they were _alone_ , and it seemed criminal that he couldn't just throw Himchan down on it and start checking things off his list. 

But they were expected for filming. The staff wouldn't know what they were doing, but the other members would almost certainly guess, and that would probably be weird. Jongup and Himchan had agreed that first night after the planetarium that they owed it to their friends not to make things weird. It had seemed like such a simple thing at the time. 

"Okay," he said, releasing his hold on Himchan's thighs so he could climb off. Himchan gave him a half smile and a very quick kiss before getting up. 

"Where's your suit?"

**

Filming was well underway when they joined the others. Himchan kept a careful eye on Jongup; he was still walking as though his leg were bothering him.

It would have been nice to stay in the hotel room. Himchan could think of a few dozen things he'd have liked to do with Jongup. But the staff could come by at any time, and would if they took too long. Jongup deserved better than a quickie in the room he was sharing with Daehyun. He deserved to have Himchan take his time to make him feel incredible. He deserved--fuck, he deserved wine and flowers and all the romantic crap Himchan could think of, and he deserved burgers and foot rubs and someone to play his dumb computer games with and all the other stuff he'd actually want. 

In short, he deserved everything. 

At least the pool was nice. It was lit from below, giving the water an eerie greenish glow. A hot tub roiled just beyond it. The area was strung with little twinkly lights, lending it an atmosphere it lacked in the daylight. It almost looked magical now. 

There was no one out but the members and a few camera guys. Himchan and Jongup paused in the doorway. Yongguk was floating at the edge of the pool, talking into one camera while a second was trying to keep up with Daehyun and Youngjae, who were playing some sort of game in which Youngjae threw pool toys onto Daehyun's head in an apparent attempt to drown him. Beyond, they could just make out the vague shape of Junhong's head and shoulders as he languished in the hot tub. 

A third camera man swooped in, having spotted their arrival. 

"I found Jongup-ah," Himchan said needlessly, tossing his towel onto one of the vinyl beach chairs lining the area. Jongup waved for the camera.

"Annyeong..."

Himchan wandered over to the pool and sat, dangling his feet in the water next to Yongguk, careful to keep his distance from whatever it was Daehyun and Youngjae were doing. There was a lot of yelling, of course. 

"It's good for the members to have a chance to relax like this," Yongguk was saying. "It's nice when we can go out and see the cities we're touring, but sometimes it's better to just unwind and have fun together."

Himchan looked past him at the others. Daehyun had gotten a hold of Youngjae and was holding his head underwater in retaliation. If he didn't let him up for air in thirty seconds or so, Himchan would have to intervene. 

"Talk a little about how the tour is for you, Himchan-ssi," the cameraman invited. Himchan obliged easily. He'd done this so many times he didn't have to think about his answers anymore. Whatever he was saying must be making sense because Yongguk was nodding along next to him. 

Carefully, his eyes found Jongup, who had joined Junhong by the hot tub. He stripped off his t-shirt and Himchan stuttered a little, losing his train of thought. Fuck, he had to be more careful. 

"I don't know what I'm saying anymore," he laughed for the camera. "We've been moving around so much my brain is mush."

"And how is that different from normal?" Daehyun interjected, swimming up alongside Himchan and tugging at his ankle, threatening to pull him into the water. 

"Yah!" Himchan barked, splashing water on Daehyun with his free foot. His dongsaeng sputtered and released him and Himchan pulled his legs out of the pool before he could be dragged in.

"Hyunnng," Daehyun complained as he walked away. He joined Junhong and Jongup at the hot tub. Junhong was submerged up to his neck, his black hair curling from the steam, his cheeks flushed from the heat. Jongup was merely mimicking Himchan's pose at the pool, sitting next to the tub with his legs in. Another cameraman crouched beside him, prompting him with questions about the tour. 

Jongup grinned at Himchan as he approached. It still made Himchan miss a breath when he did that.

"Hyung," Junhong said. "Come in here!" 

Himchan stood on the edge of the tub, waved to the camera when it swiveled around briefly to find him, then hesitated. He loved hot tubs. His wet legs were already getting goosebumps now that they were out of the water and in the night air, and he knew the hot water would feel amazing on his overworked muscles. 

But while no one gave him a second glance in the pool, they tended to expect you to take your shirt off to go in a hot tub, and there was a camera present. He didn't especially want his body preserved for posterity on film. He knelt and mirrored Jongup's position, legs in the water. At least they were warm agin. Except the turbulent water made it a less comfortable seat than the edge of the pool had been, and Junhong was pouting at him in his maknae-iest way and Jongup was giving him a slightly confused look over the cameraman's shoulder. 

Oh, fine. He checked to make sure the camera really was facing away, then stripped off his t-shirt and slid into the tub next to Junhong, who cheered. The cameraman swung the camera back around at the sound, but that was okay. The water was too bubbly to see anything under the surface. 

It really did feel fantastic. He grinned at Junhong and then raised his eyebrows at Jongup until he joined them, circling around so he was between Himchan and Junhong and the camera could see all three of them at once. 

The interview continued, and Himchan tried to keep quiet so the maknaes could talk. He still couldn't believe how articulate they had both become in front of the camera. They had always been the members with the biggest difference on and off-camera, but they finally seemed to be comfortable enough that the disparity was shrinking. 

_Now if only we could get Bbang to speak up more_ , he thought.

Something brushed against his stomach. He sucked in instinctively and frowned over at Jongup, but he was still talking earnestly about the best hamburger in the world he'd found so far. Maybe Himchan had imagined things.

Except then something brushed against his upper thigh, and stayed there. It was definitely a hand. He glanced sidelong at Jongup again, pretending to be listening to what he was saying while trying not to burst into giggles. 

Jongup's hand moved. Deliberately. No one could see it through the foaming water, and his other hand was paddling lightly to keep himself at the surface. Himchan moved back so he was leaning against the side of the hot tub, and stretched his arms out along the edge. And waited. 

There was no mistaking the intention behind Jongup's movement. He palmed Himchan through his shorts. His hips gave an involuntary jerk and he almost laughed again. What was Jongup _doing_? In front of a camera! This was bad. This was really, really bad. 

Except tell that to his dick, which was sending him the opposite message. This felt really, really good. He didn't know how Jongup was managing to answer questions normally. 

Jongup slipped his hand under the waistband of his shorts. Himchan managed to turn his gasp into a light cough as Jongup wrapped his hand around him. 

_This is stupid, this is stupid_ , Himchan chanted to himself. 

_Shut up, no one can see,_ his dick shot back. 

It was getting really difficult not to be touching Jongup back. Himchan curled his hands into two fists, digging his nails into his palms. The interviewer asked him about his favorite thing they'd eaten on tour, and his mind went completely blank. 

"I think it was--ah--in Japan?" he said. Jongup was watching him with polite interest. He was going to have to kill him later. "The--I can't remember what it was called!" He laughed and looked at the others for help. Junhong named a few things and Himchan nodded eagerly, not really hearing him. Jongup had begun to pump his dick slowly. This was insane. 

_Do not come in this hot tub_ , he told himself sternly. He casually let one of his arms fall into the water, then found Jongup's wrist and stilled his movements. Jongup squeezed him gently and Himchan had to bite back a groan. He pinched Jongup and pulled his hand off him with mixed relief and regret. He kept a hold of Jongup's hand and squeezed it hard. When he glanced over at the younger man, he thought he'd be trying not to laugh, but there was undeniable heat in his gaze when he glanced back.

Then the moment passed and Jongup was launching into a story for the camera about the time he and Zelo got lost in Canada looking for burgers. Himchan let go of his hand and let himself drift away in the tub.

***

It's not like he'd planned it or anything. Jongup went over to the hot tub with the idea that the hot water would feel good on his leg, and he was right. He was just innocently talking to Junhong and the camera when Himchan came over, and then when they got in together--well. He couldn't very well do what he _wanted_ to do with Himchan in a hot tub, but that didn't mean he couldn't do _anything_. 

He felt a little out of control around Himchan lately. They had spent so long holding back--hell, for weeks he hadn't even let himself _look_ at him--that he seemed to have used up all his restraint. Not touching Himchan was... _uncomfortable_. He felt like he had ants crawling just under his skin, and touching Himchan was his only relief.

Now that he'd done it, though, he felt a little nervous. Himchan had stayed in the hot tub a while--to get himself under control, Jongup guessed--but now he wouldn't look at him. He was over at the pool chatting with Youngjae about something or other. 

He was probably pretty pissed, Jongup realized. Himchan liked to be his best in front of the camera and Jongup had taken that away from him. He didn't see how he could apologize in front of Youngjae, though. 

He dried off his top, dodging a splash from Daehyun, who was still paddling around the deep end and its twin floating islands of Yongguk and Junhong, and put his t-shirt back on. There was a changing room in the hotel just off the pool, and Jongup ducked inside. It was pristine, all black marble and shiny wood lockers for guests' belongings. Not that there were any other hotel guests around this late. There was still soothing music being piped in the hidden speakers behind the potted plants, though. 

Jongup turned the water on one of the sinks as cold as it would go, then splashed his face a few times. 

_Get it together, Moon_ , he chastised himself. He couldn't remember ever being so horny. 

When he lifted his head, he jumped. Himchan was standing behind him with his arms crossed. 

When their eyes met, Himchan took him by the elbow and steered him down the furthest bank of lockers and pressed him up against one. Jongup's worries flew out of his head as his boyfriend was suddenly pressed against him from toe to chest. 

"Was there something on your mind?" Himchan asked pleasantly in that damned low voice of his. Jongup shivered a little. He couldn't stop looking at his lips. 

"Uhhh. A few things, actually," he managed. 

"Anything I can help you with?"

Jongup wanted to kiss him. He wanted--wanted--wanted.

"I want to fuck you," he said. He _felt_ Himchan twitch against his leg, then Himchan was kissing him, the kind of bruising kiss they rarely allowed themselves unless they had enough time in private to actually _do_ things. Jongup slipped his hands under Himchan's wet shirt and ran his hands up his back, pulling him harder against him. Not enough, not enough. 

Himchan broke away first, rested his forehead against Jongup's. "You can't just say things like that," he muttered. 

"Why not? It's true."

"It's not fair. We _can't_ right now, and now I'm--" Himchan pulled back further and gestured down at himself. "fucked up for the rest of the night." He was dangerously close to whining. Jongup would have teased him but he felt the same. He pulled Himchan back against him.

"When, then?"

Himchan gave him a Look. Jongup gave him a Look right back. 

"I don't know," Himchan admitted. "I can talk to Bbang..." 

Jongup made a face at that. Himchan gave an irritable shrug. "What else can we do? We're on the road for another month and the camera crew's gonna be with us the whole time."

He was right, of course. Unless they wanted to wait another month (impossible; Jongup could hardly contemplate waiting five minutes), they would have to get help from their friends. 

Somewhere off behind them, the door to the locker room banged open. Himchan sighed and took a step back, grabbing one of the plentiful white towels stacked around them to hold in front of himself. Jongup did the same, knowing it wouldn't fool their friends for a minute. Thankfully, the intruder was an older man with a mop and a garbage can on wheels. He gave them the barest of glances before going about his work on the other end of the room. Himchan and Jongup ducked back down their row and sat beside each other on the bench. Jongup still felt like he was trying to catch his breath. 

"I'll talk to Bbang," Himchan said again. "I won't let it be weird, I promise."

Jongup didn't trust his voice to speak, so he just nodded. Himchan scrubbed a hand over his face and stood up slowly, checking under his towel. He gave Jongup a rueful smile. 

"I'll go out first," he offered. Jongup nodded again and watched him leave. He followed ten minutes later.

**

Himchan was pretty sure Yongguk passed out somewhere in the elevator on the way up to their room. He managed to make his stumbling way down the hall with a few helpful nudges from Himchan, and let out his first snore before he'd fully collapsed on his bed. He was still in his wet swimsuit and t-shirt. 

"Let them see the mighty leader now," Himchan said, sliding his friend's flip-flops off his feet and tossing them onto the mat by the door. He was torn between annoyance that Yongguk had fallen asleep before he could broach the whole rooming situation subject with him, and relief that at least this way he had time to plan his approach. 

First, though. "You're gonna get pneumonia, dummy," he told his sleeping friend. He wrestled Yongguk's wet t-shirt off (Yongguk stirred just enough to let out a surprisingly high-pitched giggle when Himchan's hand brushed that ticklish spot just under his ribs, then he was snoring again). He wrapped a quilt around his upper half. He'd just have to live with the wet swimsuit, because Himchan wasn't touching that. He'd seen Yongguk naked a dozen times, but he worried it was different these days. The last thing he'd want was for Yongguk to think he was interested in his skinny ass now. He didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

That was part of the problem, though. He and Jongup had been so worried about making the other members feel weird that the two of _them_ were decidedly...uncomfortable. He still couldn't quite believe Jongup tonight. The hot tub, and then in the locker room.. _I want to fuck you_. Just remembering the words sent a bolt of heat through Himchan like he'd never felt. That Jongup wanted him was almost as much of a turn-on as Jongup himself. 

He owed it to him to talk to Bbang, awkward as that might be. 

First things first, though. Himchan grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.

 


	3. Chapter 3

They were in Germany. Jongup was almost sure of it. What he could see of the city as they rode through it on their way to the hotel looked lovely, all warm yellow lights and old stone buildings. 

He barely saw any of it. 

As they had disembarked from the plane, Daehyun had commented, "I guess we're switching rooms again, I'm going with Youngjae."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're with Himchannie hyung." And he'd given him a smirk Jongup could all too easily ignore, because holy shit it was about time. Now they were just minutes away from the hotel, which meant he was minutes away from being alone with Himchan. For a whole fucking night. 

Getting to the hotel took forever.

Once they finally arrived, once they finally checked in, once they finally sorted out their luggage, once they finally found their way up to the third floor on the really cool old-fashioned elevator Jongup would have been fascinated by any other day, he and Himchan finally found themselves in their room. 

Jongup kicked his shoes off and the door closed in one messy motion. All he could think was _now_. 

Himchan had barely let go of his suitcase before Jongup plowed into him, pressing him against the wall and kissing him hungrily. Himchan made a tiny noise of surprise before grasping Jongup's jaw and kissing him back with matching fervor. Jongup was already half hard and somehow had the presence of mind to _slow the fuck down_ before he finished early like a kid. 

He pulled back, gasping a little. Himchan's lips were already swollen and he had color high up on his cheeks. 

"How'd you manage this, anyway?" Jongup said, motioning around the room without taking his eyes off the other man.

"Told you I'd talk to Yongguk." Himchan's right hand drifted down to Jongup's hip, pulling him against him again. 

"What'd you say?" Jongup asked, curious despite himself. The talking helped. He was pretty sure all the blood in his body was currently residing in his dick, but as long as they were just talking, he could hold off the inevitable. He didn't want things to end too fast after they'd waited so long.

"That we wanted to fuck like rabbits and either he needed to let us room together or he was gonna get an eyeful."

Jongup sputtered and Himchan burst out laughing. "Or I just made something up about Junhong having new songs to show him--which he saw right through, by the way--and he agreed to switch things around. It's not like it'll look so strange for the cameras; we already switched once." He linked his hands together behind Jongup's back, looking very pleased with himself. 

"Very smooth," Jongup commented. 

"Of course." Himchan was looking at his lips now and abruptly, Jongup decided he'd had enough waiting. Apparently Himchan was thinking the same thing because he met Jongup halfway in a clashing kiss. Their teeth clicked together but Jongup didn't care. He bit down on Himchan's lower lip before sucking it into his mouth. Himchan tangled his hands in his hair and pushed against him, but Jongup pushed right back. He liked having Himchan up against the wall. He liked the little noises Himchan was making. He even liked it when he pulled his hair just a little too hard. 

He was on a regular journey of self-discovery.

When Himchan released his hair, Jongup found his hands and threaded their fingers together, against the wall on either side of Himchan. (He liked that, too.) He pulled back for a much-needed breath. 

"Jongup-ah--"

"I said--I said I wanted to fuck you," Jongup interrupted. His thoughts felt hazy but he needed to say this. "But only if that's what you want, okay?" He'd been doing some research--no mean feat, surrounded by nosy friends like Daehyun and Junhong, but he'd managed it--and okay, it was a _lot_ of research--and he knew there was some pain involved. He didn't like the thought of hurting Himchan, even if only for a few minutes, and there was no way he'd do it if Himchan wasn't willing. 

Himchan was breathing a bit unsteadily. "Sorry, was I not being obvious?" he asked, bucking his hips against Jongup's so he could feel him. 

"I just meant--if you'd rather--"

"We can switch off some night when you don't have to breakdance in front of a few thousand people the next night," Himchan said, rolling his eyes. His expression softened as Jongup hesitated, and he brushed his lips against his. "You're not gonna hurt me," he murmured. "I got us some stuff."

"Some--stuff?"

"Mm." Himchan captured his lips in a languid kiss and this time when he pressed against him, Jongup let him move him away from the wall. Himchan squeezed his hands before letting go, then crouched in front of his suitcase, rummaging around. "Ha!" he crowed in triumph, pulling out a small bottle of lube. 

"Where'd you get that?" Jongup demanded.

"Late night convenience store run. I figured we'd need it at some point." Himchan smiled at him, enjoying Jongup's surprise. "What'd you think we were going to use? Hotel brand lotion?"

"Uhhh." This was pretty much exactly what Jongup had been thinking. Pretty inconsiderate, since it wasn't _his_ ass in question. This time. Himchan just shook his head at him and tossed the bottle onto the bed. 

"C'mere." Himchan sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Jongup down so he was straddling him. His fingers traced his face gently. "Are you nervous?"

"No," Jongup said, too quickly. He laughed a little at himself. "Maybe a little. That's stupid, isn't it."

"Not stupid. I'm nervous," Himchan said, laughing too. "But I also feel like I'm about to explode every time I look at you, so."

"I thought it was just me," Jongup admitted. Himchan shook his head. 

"Are you out of your mind? Every time we're on stage I want to kiss you." Himchan tugged down at the neck of Jongup's t-shirt and ran his lips across his collarbone. "Here..." He moved to the spot just under Jongup's jaw. "Here...." He slipped his hands under Jongup's t-shirt and the rough pad of his thumb found his nipple. Jongup bucked as heat shot through him. Himchan grinned and lifted his t-shirt off. "I'm just saying, if you ever show your abs onstage again, I'm not to be blamed for what happens," he said. He latched onto Jongup's neck again and Jongup stifled a groan. This was, he felt, all a bit too one-sided for his taste.

"Well what about you?" he managed. Himchan was wearing a button-down and Jongup began clumsily unbuttoning it. "Your stupid--ah!--solo stage--it's just _mean_." He hadn't been able to watch it the past few shows, too afraid he'd have to go onstage with a hard-on. 

"Really?" Himchan sounded pleased and he pulled back to see Jongup's face and let him push his shirt off his shoulders. 

"Yes, really," Jongup said, rocking against him to punctuate his words. Himchan laughed breathlessly and pulled Jongup down, laying back on the bed. For awhile they just made out with increasing urgency. Jongup loved this. He didn't think he'd ever get tired of touching Himchan. His skin was so smooth. And kissing him had to be up there with dancing on his list of favorite activities. Now that he knew they had time to do more, some of his urgency had faded. 

Well, kind of. When Himchan reached down for his belt, Jongup sprang away from his touch and rolled over to lay beside him on the bed. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I almost--"

"Oh." Himchan rolled off the bed, adjusted his jeans, and pulled a bottle of water out of the mini fridge. He took a long sip of it as he returned to the bed. Jongup stared at the bobbing of his Adam's apple. "Want some?" Himchan offered him the bottle. "Or should I just pour some on you?"

Jongup took the bottle from him, swallowed half, considered, then poured the rest over his head. It had the desired effect; he gasped at the cold trickles pouring down his neck and goosebumps broke out along his skin. He swiped his arm across his eyes to clear them, and looked up to find Himchan frozen, staring at him. 

"You fucking--" he began, then he was straddling Jongup, kissing him hard, and when he went for his belt this time he got it undone in record time. Jongup gave him the same treatment and they separated just long enough to shed their jeans, then Himchan was back in his lap and the only thing separating them was the thin fabric of their underwear. Soon, there wasn't even that. Jongup went to wrap a hand around Himchan but he pulled back.

"Better not," he said, his voice husky. His lips were bright and swollen and his hair was a mess and his skin was so perfect and Jongup thought if he didn't fuck him right now he'd probably just have a heart attack. 

Himchan groped around the mussed sheets and came up with the bottle of lube. Jongup took it from him and pressed him down onto the bed, then gently rolled him onto his stomach. 

"I don't know what to do with my hands," Himchan admitted with a laugh. Jongup draped himself across him and linked their fingers over Himchan's head, kissing his shoulders until he felt him relax beneath him. Then he rose back to a sitting position and poured some lube onto his fingers. His hand was shaking slightly but he managed not to just pour the stuff all over Himchan's back. 

He scooted back a bit and ran his finger along the crack of Himchan's ass. He felt him tense again and ran his other hand up along his back. 

"Relax, Himchannie," he said. 

"I'm okay, you can--" Himchan broke off with a gasp as Jongup slid his first finger in. The muscles in his back all jumped; Jongup winced and lay out on top of him again, waiting, moving the digit in and out slowly. Himchan hissed in his breath again and he stopped. 

"Are you--"

"I think you just have to keep--" Himchan spoke at the same time and they both laughed a bit. Himchan turned his head so he could see Jongup. It was better this way, seeing his face, Jongup decided. 

He did as Himchan had asked, moving his finger again. Himchan grimaced and Jongup did too; it was a whole grimacing party. 

"I can stop," he said quickly.

"What good will that do? Try adding another one," Himchan said. Jongup pulled his hand out to add more lube, then did as he was bidden, remembering to scissor his fingers a bit. Himchan hid his face in his folded arms. "I'm fine," he said again, voice muffled, when Jongup hesitated. 

The third finger was the worst and Jongup very nearly stopped no matter what Himchan said, when suddenly he relaxed under him. 

"Oh," he said, sounding surprised, and turned to look at Jongup again. 

"Are you okay?"

"Mm...yeah, actually. That's--fuck. That's good." He sounded so surprised and Jongup was so relieved that they both laughed again. "I think we can do this," Himchan said. 

Jongup pulled his fingers out. "Roll over," he said. He wanted to be looking at Himchan's face. He lay across him again, felt his dick twitch between their stomachs. Himchan rolled his hips up. 

"Do it already," he commanded. "I'm ready." He folded his arms under his head as if he were lying out on a beach or something. "I'm going to be _good_ at this." And he gave Jongup that ridiculous cocky--hah--grin of his and Jongup started to laugh. He smoothed a good amount of lube over his dick, glad that he'd been distracted enough not to be quite so desperate, and spread Himchan's legs, poised at his entrance. 

Himchan was watching him with half-lidded eyes, no longer laughing. Jongup pushed inside slowly. They both gasped and Jongup dropped his head onto Himchan's chest. It took everything he had to stay still and wait. After a beat, Himchan said, "You--can move."

He pulled out slowly, pushed back in slowly, but Himchan was looking at him and he was so beautiful and _fuck_ , Jongup couldn't hold back any more. Thankfully Himchan didn't sound pained anymore and he had his hands in Jongup's hair and he was pulling again and they were both groaning with every thrust and all Jongup could think was _so good so good so fucking good_ and then, too soon, he was releasing a month's frustration into Himchan. 

He managed to only half collapse, taking the other man's dick in his hand. Himchan followed him to completion less than a minute later and Jongup pulled out and collapsed on him, heedless of the mess and needing to kiss him. 

"Are you okay?" he asked, brushing hair off his sweaty forehead. Himchan framed his face in his hands and kissed him again, nodding once.

"I love you, you know," he said. 

Jongup frowned. "I feel like if I say it back now you'll think I'm just being polite, even though it's true," he said. Himchan grinned up at him. 

"Jongup-ah. You just fucked me in the ass and are currently lying in a puddle of my come. _Polite_ is not the first word I'd think of to describe you."

This seemed fair. Jongup considered. "What if I give you a ten second head start to the shower?" he offered. 

"Ah, a true gentleman."

In the end, though, he could only wait five.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Week Six**

They conquered the world--well, half of it--and they got to go home. 

It was only a few weeks before the tour ramped up again, but still. The members would be scattering back to their families for too-quick visits, then back to the dorm for a few days' rehearsal, and they'd be back on the road. 

Himchan hadn't been this tired in a long time. 

The shows were going well. The fans buoyed them even as exhaustion dragged their feet, no longer something to be staved off with a normal night's sleep, a long nap on a plane, the constant consumption of energy drinks. They all started going further and further onstage to amp up the crowd so they could borrow some of their energy--shirts lifted and eventually removed, water dumped over half the members, fanservice, fanservice, fanservice. 

Himchan didn't mind. He wasn't about to go Yongguk's route and start stripping onstage, but he could flirt--with the members, with the audience, it all worked. 

Of course Jongup was his favorite.

He knew he should be more careful--the fans did talk--but every day the prospect of holding back was more and more exhausting. He'd thought it would help,  rooming together. And it had been...everything. 

Waking up each morning with their limbs entwined, bickering good-naturedly over whose turn it was to get the coffee. Brushing his teeth and having a pair of strong arms wrap around him from behind, Jongup's chin resting on his shoulder, their eyes meeting in the mirror. All the nights that they _really should_ have been sleeping, but were instead learning each other's body as well as they knew their own. Hell, even the nights when Jongup was practically vibrating with the mix of fatigue and adrenaline and all Himchan could do was wrap around him and hold him until he could be still.

It still wasn't enough. 

And now they would be separated for two weeks. 

Normally he would have been excited at the prospect of seeing his family, of letting his parents pamper him with home cooking and long late-night talks over wine. His father would pepper him for details of the tour, of each city they had visited, never put off by Himchan's admissions of the less-than-glamorous reality of touring. His sister would visit and they would sit together on the back stoop of the house and talk and bicker and laugh at each other. For Himchan, going home had always been _fun_.

Now he looked at Jongup and wondered how he was supposed to get out of bed without the prospect of seeing him every day. 

Their first night back in the dorm--and last, as they'd all be leaving at various times the next morning--was chaotic, everyone running around, packing, fighting over the washing machine and shower and _just how did my underwear get into your suitcase, Daehyun?_

Himchan was sorting through a daunting pile of laundry on top of the dryer when a familiar pair of arms slipped around his waist. He sighed and put down his sweatshirt, sagging back against Jongup's chest. He could hear Daehyun and Youngjae shouting back and forth across the dorm. All of Seoul could probably hear them. There was no quiet to be found, but for a moment Himchan felt peace. 

"I'm going to miss you," he said quietly. Jongup didn't reply, but his grip tightened around him and he lowered his face to the crook of Himchan's neck. They stayed like that until Junhong burst in with a pile of his own laundry. 

Jongup was gone before Himchan woke up the next morning.

**

Jongup's homecoming was a crush of brothers and cousins and old school friends dropping by. The hiatus had brought a lot of people back into his non-idol world, and they were all hoping to see him now. It was a little overwhelming when all he'd planned to do his first day back was sleep. It was late by the time he found himself alone for the first time, sprawled out in bed. His mattress was only a twin, but it felt too empty without Himchan. He'd gotten so used to having him there. 

He pulled out his phone and dialed. 

"Jongup-ah."

The sound of his voice made him smile.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked. "You sound all froggy."

"Ribbit," Himchan agreed, and cleared his throat. "Nah, I slept all afternoon, though."

"Did you eat?"

Himchan snorted. "My mom force-fed me a five-course meal while she pinched my sides and asked how I got so fat."

Jongup laughed. Himchan had seemingly inherited his personality wholesale from his mother--the blunt honesty (that could sometimes be abrasive), but also the generous (and okay, sometimes overbearing) affection doled out to loved ones.

"That sounds about right. Is her cooking any better?"

"Appa cooked, thank god." 

His cooking skills he'd inherited from his father.

"Where are you? What'd you do all day?" Himchan went on.

"I'm in bed. Looking at a bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Just saw a bunch of people all day. Sleeping would have been nice."

"It's good you saw people, though. You made them happy," Himchan said. 

"I guess."

There was a companiable silence.

"My bed's too big," Jongup said. 

"Is that right?"

"And my feet are cold." 

Jongup tended to run cold while Himchan was always too warm, a combination that worked in their favor when they shared a bed. Jongup would press his feet against whatever part of Himchan he could, then Himchan would wrap himself around Jongup like a sloth.

Those nights generally ended with both of them overheating.

"You should have come home with me." Himchan sounded mildly petulant. He'd asked Jongup repeatedly to come stay with him, but Jongup knew he'd regret missing the chance to be with his own family. Besides, it was only a couple weeks. It might look strange if they couldn't even be apart that long.

He kind of regretted it now. 

"You should have come home with _me_ ," he countered.

"Aish, there's no winning," Himchan sighed. 

Jongup thought he knew how to make him smile.

"You know my cousin Seungki lives near you," he said casually. 

"Mmm," Himchan said. "Isn't he in university?" 

It shouldn't have been a surprise that Himchan remembered that kind of thing, but somehow it still was. It never failed to give Jongup a happy little flash to see how well Himchan listened to him--although technically Himchan was like this with everyone. 

"Well he'll be home this week until Thursday and he asked me to come out for the day. Maybe Friday night, I mean if you're not doing anything..." He trailed off and let Himchan connect the dots. 

"Really? I can see you?" He sounded so happy Jongup couldn't stop his own grin and he had to hide his face in his pillow for a second. Fuck, he wanted Himchan here _now_. He wanted to see his face. 

He was chattering away now about what they could do together, but then he broke off abruptly and swore.

"What's the matter?" Jongup had to take the pillow off his face to ask. 

"Friday. I just remembered."

Jongup's heart sank. "What?"

"It's my mother's birthday party."

It wasn't really possible for Jongup to slump, since he was already completely horizontal, but he did it anyway, at least mentally.

"Wasn't her birthday last month?" he asked. He'd been in the room when Himchan called and sang happy birthday to her. Jongup had been tickling the bottoms of his feet and his voice kept wavering as he tried not to laugh, and his mother wound up convinced he was coming down with something. She made him promise to drink a cup of tea and alert their manager as soon as they got off the phone. 

Instead, he'd tackled Jongup and tickled his sides until he was a helpless giggling heap. Himchan pinned his arms over his head. Normally Jongup would have been able to get free easily, but he was laughing too hard. And it wasn't such a bad place to be, anyway.

"Apologize," Himchan told him, his stern tone belied by the smile playing around his lips. 

"Sorry," Jongup said, grinning broadly. 

"Un-con-vin-cing." Himchan had punctuated each syllable with a kiss along Jongup's jawline. 

It had been a memorable night.

"She waited on the party until I could be there," Himchan said now, snapping Jongup out of his reminiscences. He sighed. 

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess," he said. Disappointment was gnawing at him. Pitiful, really. It had only been a day, and already he was counting the hours until he could see his boyfriend again. For hours now he'd had one ear cocked, expecting to hear Himchan's voice, his laugh. 

" _Hey, pabo, are you expecting someone?_ " his brother had finally asked, seeing his distraction. Jongup hadn't realized before the question that he was. Somehow, he was _always_ expecting Himchan.

"You could come," Himchan said suddenly.

"Uh?"

"To the party! It's just at my parents' house." Himchan sounded excited now. Jongup lifted his feet up over his head, feeling his hamstrings stretch. 

"I shouldn't crash a family thing," he said.

"No, it'll be bigger than that--nothing crazy, though. She'd like it if you were there, you know she loves you."

Jongup had been so nervous the first time he met Himchan's parents, picturing a stuffy, pretentious couple. He'd been wrong, though. They weren't stuffy--or not _too_ stuffy, anyway--but they were kind. They clearly doted on their son, and were only too willing to love the people he loved. Yongguk got the most attention, but Himchan's mother had always seemed to sense her son's special affection for Jongup, which was more than enough for her to find him worthy of it. She still sent presents and congratulations on his birthdays.  

Jongup wondered how much she'd like him if she knew his new role in her son's life. 

There was something in the sudden airiness of Himchan's tone that told him this mattered, though he was trying to play it off. 

"Well, if that's the only way I can see you," he said finally, and Himchan's cheers filled his ear.

***

Free time had a way of stretching and compressing at once. The week reminded Jongup of the hiatus--the better parts of it, thankfully. The hours seemed to pass slowly, full of old friends and family, yet every night when he tried to recount for Himchan what he'd done all day, he couldn't think of much at all. 

By the time Friday arrived and the cab dropped Jongup off at the Kims' house, he was thrumming with excitement. He could barely even be nervous about being thrust into a group of mostly-strangers. 

He rang the bell and smoothed his shirt, juggling his overnight bag and the flowers he'd brought for Mrs. Kim. He could hear voices and laughter and music before the door was opened. It was Himchan's sister Hana, looking very pretty but slightly harried in a grey silk dress. 

"Jongup-ah!" she exclaimed, pulling him inside and looking him over.

"Hi, noona."

"Himchan invited you to make _my_ friends look bad," she said darkly, taking the flowers from him. "Yongguk already called on her birthday; she was bragging about _that_ all day--you can just dump your stuff in the closet, here--" 

Jongup dropped his backpack where she'd indicated. Himchan had convinced him it made the most sense for him to stay the night. He'd been happy to be convinced.

"--c'mon, they're in here--" Hana pulled Jongup along by the arm as she talked, and he found himself in the large main room of the house. Patio doors had been thrown open and guests had spilled outside so while the house was full, it didn't feel too stifling. Every surface was covered in flowers and platters of food. The Kims clearly knew how to look after company. 

Jongup found Himchan a beat before Hana pointed him out. He was wearing a dark blue button-down and holding a glass of wine and smiling as he talked and looking at him made Jongup feel a kind of relief so deep it was dizzying. 

Somehow Himchan seemed to sense his gaze, and he found Jongup across the room. He brightened and Jongup couldn't hide his own grin.

"Has it occurred to any of you that you have some serious co-dependence issues?" Hana observed as Himchan excused himself from his conversation and joined them. 

"Jongup-ah!" he said, slapping him on the back. He turned to his sister. "Aren't my friends _thoughtful_ , noona?" he said innocently. Jongup bit his lip to keep from laughing at the scowl Hana threw back at him. 

"Oh, shut up. See you later, Jongup." And she disappeared into the crowd. 

Himchan's attention returned to Jongup and his smile softened. "You look good," he said. "Come on, let's get you some wine."

"Where's your mom?" Jongup asked as they navigated the room. Himchan seemed to know everyone, or at least everyone knew _him_. 

"Out back I think. We'll go say hi in a minute." He pushed the swinging door that led to the kitchen, which was a mess of dishes and food and serving platters and wine bottles but was mercifully free of people. A large window looked out onto the backyard, though, and all the people there. Himchan could only press Jongup's hand with his own and give him a Look.

For the moment, it was enough.

"Red or white?"

**

The party was surprisingly fun, though most of that was probably Himchan. He was good at parties. Watching him mingle was impressive; Jongup could never think of what to say but Himchan always had just the right thing. He kept Jongup close, introducing him to everyone they met, though everyone already seemed to know who he was. There were a few requests for him to dance, but it was easy enough to demur with a laugh and no one pressed the issue. 

Himchan's mother had been touchingly thrilled to see him, hugging him tightly in greeting. 

"You're so handsome!" she exclaimed, holding him at arm's length and looking him over. Himchan's sister kept passing him drinks and Himchan's father kept coming over with small plates of food, clapping Jongup on the back and congratulating him on the successful tour. 

An hour in, he felt mellow and at-ease, seated on the couch, watching Himchan be doted on by a trio of aunts. Himchan's eyes found him every so often, sometimes widening in a mock cry for help, sometimes just creasing in the corners in that way he had of smiling without really smiling. Jongup just grinned back easily, content to sit and people watch. 

"Jongup-ah, may I join you?" It was Himchan's mother, round-faced and flushed and pretty. He immediately bobbed up in a quick bow.

"Of course." She waved him off and sat down beside him. 

"I'm so happy you're here," she told him, beaming at him as though he were a cherished son and not just the friend of one. 

"Thank you for having me," Jongup said politely. "Congratulations."

"I am sixty this year, can you believe it?" She gave a very dignified sort of nod, then smiled broadly, and she was so much like Himchan that Jongup laughed. 

"I couldn't tell," he said. 

"You're a sweet boy, Jongup. My son is so fond of you." She leaned in and her tone went low, conspiratorial. "Maybe you can help me."

He looked at her questioningly. He had wine humming in his veins and he very much didn't want Himchan's mother to know he was drunk. 

"Himchan has been too long without a girl in his life," she mused, gazing at her son across the room. 

The alcohol turned leaden in Jongup. He realized the convenient half a glass of wine he was still holding and downed it quickly. His movements were too big, exaggerated. He saw Himchan look his way. 

"Oh," he said. "That stuff's hard because we're so busy?" It wasn't Himchan's mother's fault, he reminded himself. She didn't know what her son had been up to lately. 

"I understand," she said earnestly, turning back to Jongup and taking his arm. Her cheeks were a little pink and it occurred to him for the first time that he wasn't the only one feeling the effects of the alcohol. "I'm so proud of you all. But I want so much for him to find happiness outside of music."

 _He_ has _happiness outside of music_ , Jongup thought. It struck him as sad that Himchan's family shouldn't get to know about it. 

His mother gave a little gasp suddenly and Jongup jumped, certain for a moment that she had somehow sensed his thoughts. But her gaze was at the door, where a group of people were entering the party, taking off their jackets and greeting the other guests.

"Well, _this_ is fortuitous," she said, elbowing him. He laughed as if he had the slightest idea what she was talking about, and watched as she rose to greet the newcomers. It was an older couple, followed shortly by a girl who looked around Himchan's age. 

She was pretty, and Jongup wouldn't have given her a second glance except he happened to be looking at her when she spotted Himchan. Her blandly pleasant smile froze, disappeared. Jongup followed her gaze to Himchan, who was still chatting away cheerfully. As though sensing eyes on him, though, he looked past his aunt and spotted the girl. 

Jongup watched as his smile turned from real to false, as something slammed over his eyes, veiling his real thoughts. The change was so sudden, so palpable, that Jongup couldn't understand why Himchan's aunt didn't seem to notice. 

He watched as Himchan's mother greeted the trio with hugs and kisses to the cheek, then took the girl by the arm and led her straight over to Himchan. Watched them give each other a stifled greeting. Watched Himchan's mother lead his aunts away so Himchan and the girl could be alone. 

He was staring, he knew, but he couldn't stop. Something was wrong.

**

Himchan was having a grand old time right up until the moment he looked up and locked eyes with Woo Mina for the first time in almost five years. He almost thought he was imagining her, but he wasn't _that_ drunk. 

Then his mother was there, dragging Mina with her and taking away all the buffers between them until it was just the two of them. 

"Himchan, hi. I didn't know you'd be here," Mina said. She didn't sound particularly happy about it. 

"Same," he said, taking a sip of his wine, forcing himself not to finish it. It was a little silly, now that he thought about it. His parents had been friends with Mina's all his life. Of course they were here. "I thought you were studying overseas?"

She gave him that slightly arched eyebrow he used to find so sexy. "I graduated a year ago. I just moved back to Seoul to join the classical orchestra."

"Congratulations, that's what you wanted," Himchan said. 

"And you, you're still with your group?" She managed to keep most of the disdain from her voice but he thought he could still sense it. 

"We're on a break from our world tour," he said. Okay, boasted. Anything to get that damned look off Mina's face. 

"And is it going well?" she asked. Her expression gave nothing away. 

"I think so. It's so exhausting I can't tell anymore," Himchan said with a laugh. Mina's face relaxed into something closer to her real smile. 

"Tours are brutal," she agreed. "By the end of my last one, I never knew where I was waking up."

Himchan knew that routine too well. He relaxed a bit, too. He'd forgotten Mina was easy to talk to when they weren't actively fighting. 

"And how are you spending your break?" she asked. "If you're anything like I--like me--you must be sleeping a lot."

He didn't miss her stutter, though he could figure out what she'd almost said: _If you're anything like I remember._ He pretended he hadn't noticed.

"That, and spending time with family. We all went home for the week, except--"

and he turned to the room at large, searching for Jongup. 

"Is something wrong?" Mina asked, just as Himchan found him. He was sitting on the couch, empty wine glass clutched loosely in his hand. Himchan allowed himself a moment's pleasure at the sight of him, before he noticed his slightly dark expression. He was watching Himchan and Mina.

"No, there's someone I want you to meet," Himchan said, motioning to Jongup to join them. Jongup did with only the slightest waver to his gait. He greeted Mina with his usual open smile so Himchan almost wondered whether he'd imagined his earlier expression. 

"Mina, this is my dongsaeng Moon Jongup, our main dancer," Himchan said. It wasn't exactly a lie.

"One of them," Jongup corrected, giving Mina a polite bow. 

"Jongup, this is Woo Mina, an old friend of the family. We grew up together," Himchan said. This wasn't exactly a lie, either. 

Before they had time to do more than exchange hellos, Himchan's mother descended on the trio.

"Himchan, did you know Mina just moved back to Seoul?" she asked keenly. Himchan narrowed his eyes at her slightly.

"She mentioned that, yes."

"You'll have to take her out!" she said brightly. "Show her some of the fun new places in town! You must not get out much, working so hard." She patted Mina's shoulder and gave her a look that was equal parts pride and reproach.

"I'm sure Himchan's too busy for that kind of thing," Mina said with a laugh. Himchan tuned back into the conversation, trying to telepathically ask his mother to stop match-making. He couldn't even look at Jongup. 

"Oh, but they're in the middle of a break now," his mother said, turning a bright smile on her son. "You're here for almost another week."

"Yes, but--"

"Then it's settled! Mina, are you free Tuesday night? You're free, aren't you Himchan?" 

Everyone turned to look at Himchan; Jongup looking bemused, Mina apologetic, his mother steely. 

"I--yes, I'm free Tuesday," he stammered. He was never telling his mother his plans ever, ever again. 

"Will that work for you, Mina? I'm sure Himchan can think of something fun for you to do!" 

She was amazing. Himchan had forgotten how smoothly his mother could get what she wanted. He and Mina could barely do more than stutter their agreement before Himchan's father was calling the guests into the dining room for dinner. 

**

"Aigoo, too many people!" Himchan closed the bedroom door behind him and pressed against it as if a crowd might try to force their way in. Jongup grinned and dropped his backpack on the floor before taking in the room. He had visited Himchan's family home before, but never been in here. 

It was larger than Jongup's bedroom at home, with navy-painted walls and big windows that must have let in a lot of light when the sun was out. A janggu languished in the corner, with plenty of space around it for Himchan to sit and play on a whim. There was also a keyboard, which Jongup hadn't expected, although of course he knew Himchan played the piano. The instrument had acquired a thin film of dust. 

The room didn't have much in the way of decoration, none of the posters that adorned Jongup's walls. Was it because Himchan didn't like the look of clutter or because he hadn't lived here in so long, Jongup wondered.

There _was_ a photo stuck in the corner of the mirror, though. He stepped closer to investigate. B.A.P, of course. It must have been just before the hiatus. They all looked too thin, Himchan in particular. He had his arm around Jongup. None of their smiles quite _worked_ ; Jongup could see the strain.

Himchan was just watching him look around. At some point he'd rolled his sleeves up to his elbows and his shirt was unbottoned at the top, revealing a long pale stretch of neck and his collarbones below. 

"Why this picture?" Jongup had to ask. "It's not a very good one."

"It's awful," Himchan agreed, joining him at the mirror and frowning at the photograph. "I put it up when I was staying here over the hiatus. I kept...forgetting why we were doing it, and this reminded me, stopped me calling up Bbang to call the whole thing off."

He plucked the picture from its moorings and crumpled it. "I don't like thinking about it now," he said, tossing it in a small metal trash bin.

Jongup just nodded. He got it. Even though at the time it had felt like they had no other choice--they had _had_ no other choice--walking away from TS and the group was the hardest thing he'd ever done. He'd been half-convinced they were all overreacting. 

But now, remembering the hollows in Himchan's cheeks and the circles under his eyes, the forced laugh, and comparing them with the healthy, handsome man in front of him, he knew they'd made the right choice.

"You're quiet," Himchan commented, tilting his head to the side. He linked their hands and pulled him over to the bed. He tugged him down beside him so they were sprawled out facing each other, not quite touching. Jongup propped his head up on a hand and nodded. He just wanted to look for a minute. Himchan didn't seem to mind. He took Jongup's free hand and massaged his palm gently. 

"Where do your parents sleep?" Jongup said at last. 

Himchan pointed to the far wall. "Down that hall, around the corner at the very end. There's about...five rooms between us."

"And where do they think I'm sleeping tonight?"

He pointed to the room's second door. "Other side of that bathroom, Hana's old room," he said. "You're definitely staying in here with me, though. I mean, if you want."

Jongup flicked his forehead.

"Pabo hyung," he said. 

"Ai!" Himchan dodged him, laughing, then leaned in and kissed him. It was slow, and deep, like he knew they had time. When they came up for air, Himchan didn't move away. 

"I missed you. Is that sad? Only five days and I missed you!" he laughed, but not like he was joking. 

Jongup undid another of his shirt buttons. "You know I missed you too," he said. HImchan ducked his head to hide his smile, and moved closer, pushing Jongup onto his back and laying his head on his chest. Their legs tangled together, the fabric of their pants tugging. This was why Jongup hated wearing much to bed, even if it meant he was usually cold. 

"Did you have fun tonight?" he asked, running a hand along Himchan's bare forearm. 

"Sure," Himchan said. "I wish it hadn't been the only night you could get here, though. Sorry if you were bored; I didn't realize there would be so many people."

"It was okay. Everyone was nice." 

Himchan was quiet a minute. Jongup hadn't even noticed he was unbuttoning his shirt until he felt his hand on his bare chest.

"I hope it wasn't weird, my mom making me take out Mina like that," Himchan said. Jongup smiled a little.

"She wants you to find a girlfriend."

Himchan propped himself up to see his face, frowning.

"What?"

"Your mom, she told me she wants you to find a girlfriend."

"Great," he griped, collapsing back on Jongup's chest. "She _would_ confide this in my _boyfriend_. No wonder she pounced as soon as she saw Mina. Sorry, Jonguppie."

"I thought it was kind of funny," Jongup said, tickling him, because he actually sounded upset. "And at least she's, like, an old friend. It won't be as awkward."

"Right." Himchan was pouting. Jongup couldn't understand it. Sure, it had been an awkward moment, but also a funny one, right? It wasn't like Himchan not to find the humor in it. Jongup debated pressing him further versus changing the subject. Ultimately he didn't want Himchan upset on their only night together, so he let the topic drop.

"Did I tell you I learned how to cook?" he recalled suddenly. Himchan let out of laugh.

"What?"

"Just kimchi pancake, but it's good." Surprisingly easy, too, at least until it came to the flipping part. Jongup had destroyed a few before he mastered it. Himchan's fingers found one of his nipples and he started.

"You'll have to make me one." Himchan was definitely smiling now. 

"Okay." Jongup didn't tell him that he'd been thinking of him when he learned. He'd slipped into an embarassing little fantasy, the two of them living together in an apartment somewhere, having sex and then Jongup cooking for Himchan after while the elder sat on a countertop just keeping him company in the kitchen. 

He wondered if Himchan ever thought about the future. He wondered if such a future were even possible. 

He didn't want to think anymore.

His hand found Himchan's and he wound their fingers together, tugging a little. Himchan understood his intention and lifted his head to kiss him again, more urgently this time. He pulled Jongup over and on top of him without letting them lose contact, and pushed his shirt off his shoulders. Jongup somehow got his legs under him and pulled Himchan up so they were sitting, Jongup in his lap, and he could get the other man's shirt off too. 

"Wait," he paused, pulling back for the first time. Himchan was flushed, his hair discheveled, and, well. It was just really hot. "Your parents..."

Himchan rolled his eyes. His hands went to Jongup's hips.

"Are not used to drinking that much wine in one night. Believe me, they are passed out right now. And far away. And I locked the door."

Jongup laughed and let himself relax. He wasn't sure he could stay away even if Himchan's parents were in the next room anyway.

"Okay, then."

They made out for a while. Every so often one of them would remember something they'd meant to tell the other earlier, and they'd break away to tell them now. There was a lot of laughter. It was like those last nights of the tour, except without the crushing exhaustion. So, you know. Better.

Kissing Himchan never failed to get Jongup worked up, though, and soon he was pushing against him. 

"Do you want to try--?" he whispered. Himchan understood his meaning and he gave him a searching look.

"Are you sure?"

Jongup nodded. Himchan had been reluctant to let him bottom during the tour, as he warned he'd be sore the next day and he had so much more dancing to do during the concerts. But Jongup was curious, and he didn't have to dance at all tomorrow. Plus he had the idea it was only fair. And there was something so _hot_ in the idea of Himchan just... _having_ him. He couldn't even articulate it to himself, but it made him flush to try. 

Himchan smiled. "Okay." He leaned back and rifled through his night stand, coming back with a familiar bottle and a condom. "So we don't mess up the sheets," he said with a quiet laugh. 

They got undressed, then made out some more, Jongup still in Himchan's lap. 

"Are you ready?" Himchan asked finally. Jongup felt _drunk_ he was so ready. 

The first finger was uncomfortable, as he had known it would be. He tried not to whine. The second actively _hurt_ , and he couldn't hide it on his face, though he knew it would scare Himchan. Himchan kissed him very gently and moved very, very slowly. 

"It gets better, I promise," he whispered. Jongup nodded, and Himchan moved his hand. For a second Jongup thought he was going to have to ask him to stop, then, like magic, it became...bearable. 

Somehow the third finger wasn't as bad. Jongup became aware that he was clutching Himchan's shoulders tightly. He tried to relax, then--

"Fuck--" he gasped as Himchan did _something_.

"Right?" Himchan grinned up at him. He did _it_ again. Jongup felt like he was melting. He rested his head on Himchan's shoulder and rocked his hips experimentally, which turned out to be an excellent idea. Himchan's free arm snaked around his back, holding him up. 

"Okay," Jongup said. Himchan took his hand away, and for a minute the sensation of loss made Jongup gasp. He pulled back and shifted so Himchan could grab the condom and lube and ready himself.

"How do you want it?" he asked. His voice was hoarse. Fuck, Jongup loved his voice.

"Can we stay like this?"

Himchan just nodded and Jongup rose up to position himself over him. Himchan's hands came up to frame his hips lightly. For a second they stayed like that, just looking at each other. Then Himchan's lips quirked into a smile and Jongup felt so lucky he couldn't breathe. He settled himself and they both gasped simultaneously. Himchan's grip on his hips grew strong enough to bruise, but he barely noticed. This was so much more than his fingers had been. It hurt and felt amazing at once. He had to bury his face in Himchan's shoulder again, and heard him whispering apologies. He'd never felt so...safe. 

When he caught his breath, he pulled back to see Himchan looking worried. He didn't think he could speak, exactly, so he just kissed him with everything he had, and rotated his hips again to show he was ready. Himchan groaned into the kiss and slid his hands around to the small of Jongup's back. Jongup smiled against his lips and shushed him.

"You try being quiet with you doing that," Himchan whispered peevishly. Jongup grinned at the image. 

"That sounds alarming," he agreed. He ran his hands through the other man's hair, mussing it further. "Can I move again?"

"You tell me." 

He showed him, instead.

They showered together after, stifling their laughter as they soaped each other up, finding each other's ticklish spots, Himchan massaging Jongup's shoulders until he hummed, kissing lightly. They stayed in until the hot water ran out.

Once dry, Himchan wrapped himself around Jongup in bed, and Jongup relished the sensation of feeling his heartbeat against him. He'd missed this. Nightly phone calls weren't nearly enough. Himchan played with his fingers.

"How do you feel?"

Jongup shifted a little, evaluating. 

"Okay. It'll feel worse tomorrow, but, you know. Worth it."

His eyes were drooping. He didn't want them to, didn't want the night to end. Tomorrow he would have to go back to his parents', and it would be over a week before he saw Himchan again back at the dorm, back in real life. Back to being filmed almost constantly, back to the last leg of the tour. There wasn't enough _time_.

"Jonguppie?" Himchan's voice was barely a whisper.

"Mm."

"You asleep?"

"Huh uh."

He felt Himchan laugh. "Go to sleep," he said. Jongup would have protested, but he felt very warm and very loved with Himchan's arm around him. He did as he was told. 

They lay like that for a long time before Himchan whispered his name again, this time receiving no answer. The older man waited a beat before gently pulling his arm free and rolling away. He tucked the blanket securely around Jongup's sleeping form, making as if to push the hair off his face but stopping before he actually touched him. He stood up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, grabbed his phone, and stole soundlessly out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Years of experience had taught Himchan exactly which boards creaked on the stairs in his parents' house, which side of the hallway he should tiptoe on if he didn't want to be heard, which potted plants to give a wide berth if he didn't want a broken toe.

He put this knowledge to good use now as he left Jongup asleep in his bed and made his silent way downstairs. 

The house was still a happy mess from the party, clusters of dishes and lumpy trash bags making unfamiliar shapes and shadows in the dark. But Himchan knew his way very well, and made it to the patio doors without incident, sliding them open and stepping outside. He lit one of the LED lanterns left out from the party and collapsed on the old wooden swing. It creaked in protest, but the bedrooms were on the other side of the house so he didn't mind. 

The night breeze was sharp against his bare skin. He was very awake.

He took out his phone and dialed. 

_Pick up, pick up, pick up,_ he pleaded.

"Himchannie?" Yongguk's voice was a low rumble in his ear and he let out the breath he'd been holding. 

"Hey. Where are you?" He could hear music in the background but no chattering of other voices, so he didn't think his friend was at a club or something.

"At Tasha's, just writing. What's up?"

"It was my mother's birthday party tonight. Jonguppie came for it." He waited. Yongguk didn't say anything, of course. "My mother's decided I need a girlfriend and she set me up on a date before I could stop her, right in front of him."

"Oh," Yongguk said after a minute. It was amazing how he could make one syllable sound so amused. Himchan thought, not for the first time, that he should really look into finding a better best friend.

No matter. He knew how to un-amuse him.

"Who's the date with, you ask? Woo Mina."

Yongguk didn't say anything, but after a beat, the music in the background disappeared. This was as good as an exclamation of shock from someone else. Himchan gave a small satisfied nod.

"Mina," Yongguk repeated.

"Mm hmm."

"I thought she was--wherever, abroad?"

"Just moved back to Seoul to join some classical orchestra."

"And you're going on a _date_ with her?"

Himchan groaned. The swing under him creaked ominously. "Fine, it's not a _date_ , whatever my mother wants--it's just dinner, a friendly welcome-back-to-Seoul thing. I guess."

"And...Jonguppie's okay with this?"

Himchan scuffed his bare toe along the smooth stone of the patio. "He knows I don't want to go."

"Well. Was he freaked out to meet Mina?"

Himchan winced a little. "It's _Jongup_. He doesn't really do freaked out."

"Channie..."

Here it comes.

"You did _tell_ him, right? You told him about the whole Mina thing?"

Irritation welled up in Himchan's chest. 

"When? When would I have fit that in? In the fifteen minutes a day there wasn't a camera in my face? We've only really officially been together for a few _weeks_ and they've been a little busy, if you hadn't noticed."

"I was more thinking in the five years before that," Yongguk said mildly. Stupid Yongguk and his stupid composure. Himchan slumped in the swing.

"We never talked about it," he muttered. 

"And tonight?"

"I was going to, but...it's our _one night_ , you know? No cameras or other members--no offense--or concerts or anything. And he was so sweet to come to the party at all when he hates being around strangers, and--I just couldn't do it."

They were quiet for a time. Himchan arched his neck, trying to see stars. He thought he saw a twinkle, but that might have been wishful thinking. 

"When's your dinner?" Yongguk said. 

"Tuesday."

"You should tell him before that."

Himchan closed his eyes. He didn't want to hear that. 

Except apparently he did, because why else had he called Yongguk? Just to talk to the one person in the world who'd be as dismayed to hear Woo Mina's name again as he was. And to make sure that what he was afraid was the right thing to do really was. 

"I know," he said. Also, "You're bossy."

Yongguk grunted in agreement.

**

Talking to Jongup about Mina was easier said than done. Himchan successfully snuck back into bed without waking him, and then spent a sleepless night trying not to toss and turn, only passing out as the sun was coming up. Jongup woke him too few hours later as he was getting ready to catch his train back home.

Back to nothing but phone calls and texts it was only too easy for Himchan to avoid the subject of Mina altogether.

But his promise to Yongguk weighed on him, and by Tuesday afternoon he was out of time. He called Jongup. 

Maybe he wouldn't be able to answer. They usually talked late at night, after all. 

"Hi, hyung."

Damn. Jongup sounded sleepy and pleased and his voice alone was enough to do _things_ to Himchan's insides. He drummed his fingers on his knee, willing his heartbeat to slow.

"What are you up to?" he asked. "Why does it sound like you just woke up?"

"I was reading a manga and maybe had a short nap. What time's'it?"

He told him. There was a pause. "I maybe had a long nap," Jongup amended, and Himchan laughed. 

Surely there was no need to get into the whole Mina thing now, was there? It wasn't like it was actually _important_.

He sighed.

"Sorry Jongup-ah, I--need to talk to you about something," he said. 

"Okay," Jongup said agreeably.

"You remember that girl at my mom's party?"

"The one you're going to dinner with--oh, tonight! Right?"

"Yeah. Um. Mina." Himchan paused. He didn't want to do this. Stupid Yongguk, forcing him to...be honest. Crap. It was so pointless, just one dinner to get his mother off his back, and he might upset Jongup for no reason. "I--did I ever tell you about her before?" (He knew he hadn't.)

"Tell me what about her before?" Jongup said blankly. Himchan wished he could see his face. He should have suggested they facetime for this. 

"We used to date," he said. "Before our debut. For, like...three years?" He tried to remember. Funny; there had been a time he'd never imagined he could forget that. "We were in the classical music program together, and...yeah." He winced. _Very smooth, pabo_.

"Three years," Jongup repeated.

"It was a long time ago," Himchan said quickly. 

"Yeah, but...three years," Jongup said again. Himchan tried to picture his face, could picture the squinty look his eyes got when he was working through something that displeased him. "You didn't say anything before," Jongup said. Accused.

"I didn't want to ruin our only night together."

"I knew something was wrong, but I didn't think...You _lied_ ," Jongup said. Accused. 

Himchan mouthed some swear words emphatically.

"I--yes. I'm sorry," he said. 

Jongup was silent for so long Himchan pulled his phone away from his ear to see if he'd hung up. 

"Jongup-ah?"

"So it was serious?"

He couldn't read his voice. Damn it. There was only one answer Himchan could give if he didn't want to be a lying scumbag.

"Yeah. We used to..." Out with it. "We used to talk about getting married. That sounds crazy now, we were so young. But we were going to join a classical orchestra together, and that...was gonna be our life."

The pauses kept getting longer.

"So why didn't it happen?"

"I met Yongguk." Thank god for that. Meeting Yongguk had been like a puzzle piece clicking into place. It had barely made sense to Himchan at the time--they were _so_ different--but being around Yongguk felt exciting, like they could do anything. He'd exposed Himchan to so much new music, so many new people, but he'd also been so curious about Himchan and his background. He'd been _impressed_ with Himchan's musical knowledge. That had felt important somehow, that he could impress someone like Yongguk. 

The weight of that history, that last year with Mina, sat heavy on Himchan's tongue. He didn't know how to explain it, to condense it so Jongup would understand. 

"Mina doesn't really get hip hop, or pop music at all really. She and Yongguk didn't get along. I was kind of pulled between the two of them for awhile. When TS said they wanted me for Yongguk's group...well by then I was a lot more excited about that than the orchestra. So I changed my plans, and we broke up soon after."

"I never knew about that," Jongup said. Accused.

"We'd just met when all this happened. I didn't want you to think I was some kind of...I don't know. I didn't want to talk about it, and then by the time you and I got so close I didn't _need_ to talk about it anymore because it didn't matter. I didn't expect to run into her; I had no idea she was back in Seoul, I thought we'd have more time to, like, do the whole talk about our past romantic lives."

"You already know mine," Jongup said a bit sullenly. "I didn't have one. Before." Himchan winced. This was a mistake. He should have waited until they were together to have this conversation. 

"Jongup-ah--"

"Look, I have to go," Jongup said abruptly. "I'm supposed to meet some friends."

"Jongup--"

"It's fine, okay? Call me tomorrow if you want."

Jongup hung up. Himchan stared at his phone.

"Fuck."

**

Jongup hadn't exactly been lying, although there were a few things he might have mentioned, the first being that his plans with friends were tentative, the second being that the "friends" in question were really just Junhong. 

The maknae had family all over, plus he'd grown remarkably restless over the years, unable to stay in any one place for long. He'd texted Jongup earlier in the day to tell him he might be in the area that night if he wanted to meet up. 

Jongup texted him now. 

He didn't know what to feel. Himchan had lied to him. That was concerning enough, but much worse was the content of the lie. 

It wasn't like Jongup didn't think Himchan had dated before. You couldn't look like Kim Himchan without people pretty much lining up around the block to get close to you. And Jongup knew how many girls' numbers Himchan had in his phone, had seen him flirting countless times. None of that bothered him, because none of them actually mattered to Himchan.

This, though...

His phone dinged as Junhong texted him back, naming a park Jongup knew not far from his house. It was just the distraction he needed. He texted Junhong back and got up to change. 

**

The park was a huge green oasis on the outskirts of the city. It could have taken hours to find just one person in it, but Jongup headed straight for the makeshift skate park in the middle, and sure enough, as he approached he saw the familiar  figure of his best friend.

Junhong stood a head taller than the other kids who were skating. Funny to think he was probably _older_ than most of them, too. It was funny to think of Junhong being older than anyone. 

He was more skilled, too, though that was no surprise. Jongup sat on the back of a bench to watch him for a bit, the crazy jumps and board flips he executed with a kind of manic grace. He'd told Jongup once that skateboarding made his legs stronger, and watching him now, Jongup thought he understood what he meant. The jumps required a great deal of control and power to complete successfully. It was soothing to just study the movement, like trying to work out a particularly challenging dance sequence.

Junhong spotted him after a few minutes and brightened, running over, board in hand.

"Hyung!" he greeted him, offering his hand to slap.

"You look good out there," Jongup told him. 

"Aww," Junhong scoffed, smiling. "Anyway, what should we do? Eat? I saw an ice cream truck!" And he looked so hopeful Jongup could only agree.

They made their way through the park with Junhong chattering nonstop, and Jongup was grateful not to have to say much. Half his attention was focused on his friend, responding appropriately to his stories. The other half was of course thinking about Himchan and Mina. 

Three _years._

With a girl.

Who he'd almost married.

How exactly was Jongup supposed to compete with that?

Because he'd seen the two of them together at the dinner, talking--okay, arguing--about music, and it was clear that Mina was smart in the same way Himchan was smart. He hid it, kind of, always trying to keep the mood light and everyone happy, but especially when it came to music, Kim Himchan knew his shit. And as he remembered the argument, Jongup couldn't help thinking Himchan had been enjoying himself. 

_Of course he enjoyed it_ , he thought irritably. _How often does he get to talk to someone on his own level who isn't Yongguk hyung?_

It made him feel _young_ , and not in a cool _Young Wild and Free_ way. It was easy to forget that Himchan was so much older than him. Their lives had run parallel for so long that Jongup hadn't stopped to consider how much of Himchan's he'd actually missed. A whole history with someone else, apparently, while Jongup had none. While Himchan had been off having a whole life and planning a whole future with Mina, Jongup had been going through puberty. Exactly how long did they have before Himchan noticed the gap and decided he wanted to be with someone his own age? 

Fuck, how long before he remembered he actually liked _girls_?

Junhong was silent beside him, he realized with a start. He tried to rewind, tried to find the statement that he was meant to be responding to, but he'd completely lost the thread of the conversation. 

He chanced a glance at his best friend, who was squinting down at him.

"Sorry, what?" he said.

Junhong pointed to a nearby bench. "Sit down, I'll get us ice cream." And he joined the queue outside the little yellow ice cream truck. 

Jongup sat down guiltily, though he couldn't help smiling at his huge best friend, who looked every bit as excited for ice cream as the tiny children surrounding him. 

A minute later he was back, handing over a cone for Jongup.

"Talk," he ordered.

"What?"

"You're all--your face has a whole _expression,"_ Junhong said sternly. "What's up?"

Jongup told him. He told him about the party, about Himchan's mother's plan, about Mina, about Himchan's lie and later admission.

Junhong listened silently, eyes wide and serious.

"So they're on a date now?" he asked as Jongup stopped to lick a drop of chocolate off his hand. He checked his watch.

"Probably right now, yeah."

Junhong shook his head. "I wonder--" he said, then broke off.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just--I kind of remember this," he said. "Like I remember overhearing Himchan hyung on the phone arguing with someone, really early on in the dorm. It was the first time I ever heard him sound angry, it freaked me out. I was too scared to ever ask him about it. And no one ever said anything, so I figured it was nothing." He focused on Jongup's face. "So are you afraid they're gonna, I don't know...get back together or something?"

"What? No!"

_Kind of. Maybe._

"Okay, so..." Junhong shrugged at him. 

"He lied," Jongup said. This had to be significant. Kim Himchan did not lie. He was very much tell the truth now and ask for forgiveness later. Jongup had always liked that about him.

"It sounds like he was gonna tell you, though, and just didn't want to ruin your time together," Junhong said reasonably. He tilted his head to one side and studied him. He looked unusually adult in that moment, save for the smudge of chocolate ice cream on his lip. "Is it that she's a girl?"

Jongup shrugged and looked away, tearing at his napkin. 

"What if he changes his mind about--everything?" he asked quietly. Junhong elbowed him. 

"It's _Himchan hyung_ ," he reminded him. "You're his favorite thing ever. He's freaking out over you right now, I guarantee it."

**

Junhong should have put money on that bet because Himchan was, indeed, freaking out. He barely noticed the clothes he was throwing on. Somehow he managed to find Mina's address and drive himself over right on schedule.

(He may have been a wreck and a shitty boyfriend, but at least he wasn't _rude_.)

Mina lived in one of the many nondescript apartment buildings in Seoul. She buzzed Himchan in when he arrived. 

"Not quite ready, sorry," she said, ushering him in when he reached her door on the ninth floor. 

"Take your time," Himchan said, smiling a little at how flustered she was. This, at least, was familiar, though he'd forgotten. Mina was chronically late--not because she was slow getting ready but because she was always so wrapped up in whatever she was doing that she'd lose track of the time. 

He took the opportunity to look around her apartment while she bustled around. She had clearly just moved in; half-empty boxes littered the pale wood floor. Paintings in frames leaned against walls but nothing had been hung yet. Only the small kitchen was pristine, save for an apple withering on the counter. 

"It's still such a mess in here, I know," Mina said, hurrying in holding a pair of heels. She looked nice in a blue silk dress. (Himchan thought to check his own outfit against hers and was glad to see they didn't look too mismatched.) "I'm at my practice studio most of the time when I'm not at work, so I haven't gotten everything the way I want it yet."

"It's a nice place," Himchan assured her. "And I'm used to a mess; there are six of us to make one."

"That's right, you're living in one of your company's dorms?"

"Yeah." It seemed a little childish all of a sudden, in the face of this private apartment. Messy or not, it was Mina's. She had actual art she could hang eventually. Her own bedroom, her own bathroom, furniture she'd picked out  herself. Sometimes Himchan forgot how different his life was from other people his age. 

He wondered what it would be like to get an apartment with Jongup. To wake up just the two of them, to tease him out of bed with the smell of coffee. To cuddle with him on the couch without worrying it was too much public affection and would make their roommates uncomfortable. 

But thinking about Jongup gave him a nasty twist in his gut. 

He forced a smile at Mina as she gathered up a small purse.

"Ready to go?"

She nodded. Neither of them spoke until they were in the elevator.

“Listen,” Mina said. “I just wanted to say thank you—I know your mom kind of sprung this on you and I’m sure there’s somewhere you’d rather be. But it really has been awhile since I got out at all, so I just wanted to…say…that. Thanks.”

“I’m seeing someone,” Himchan blurted out. Not his smoothest moment ever, maybe, but he’d already fucked up once by lying and he was damned if he was going to do it again.

Mina looked surprised but not upset. “Okay,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking of this as a date.”

“Oh.” He felt a little silly. They reached the lobby and Himchan led the way to his car. Once inside, Mina spoke up again.

“Why is your mom trying to set you up if you’re already seeing someone? Did I  completely misread her?”

“No,” Himchan sighed. “You definitely didn’t misread her."

“Then why?”

“She doesn’t know about it,” he muttered.

“Because it’s so new, or…?”

He frowned at Mina and she flushed. “Sorry, it’s none of my business,” she said. They rode in silence for a few minutes, then, “Or do you think she wouldn’t approve, or what?”

Himchan had to laugh. “I forgot how shamelessly nosy you can be,” he said. He thought he saw Mina grin at him but he kept his eyes on the road.

“So?” she said.

“It’s just—complicated. Everything’s harder when you’re an idol, your life’s under a microscope. I don’t want this to be just open to everyone, it’s…it’s special, that’s all.”

“Sometimes keeping something a secret makes it more exciting,” Mina suggested. Himchan half-shrugged, then nodded. “And does this girl mind that you’re taking me out tonight?”

Himchan winced. “Not… _thrilled_ ,” he said.

“Sorry.” She actually did sound sorry. “You could have brought her.”

_Wouldn’t that have been interesting_ , Himchan mused.

“It’ll be fine,” he said. “It’s just dinner with…an old friend.”

“That wouldn’t sit so well with me if you were _my_ boyfriend,” she commented. “But it’s your relationship, I’ll just mind my own business.”

He snorted. “First time for everything.”

“Oh, shut up.”

**

The evening went better than Himchan could have predicted. He felt a great weight off his shoulders with his cards on the table (most of them, anyway, minus one or two key details). Talking to Mina was almost _fun_ , and he remembered for the first time in years that they had actually been friends before they’d been more than that. Mina clearly couldn’t care less that he was spoken for; in fact the most awkward moment of the evening came when she asked about Yongguk.

“And how is the gravel-voiced wonder?” she asked dryly.

“He’s fine. You know he wrote and produced our last two albums,” Himchan shot back. The wine had been flowing throughout the meal and they were both  loosening up.

“And does he ever let you contribute more than two lines a song, or are you still  relegated to the background?”

Okay, that stung.

“We _all_ contribute,” Himchan snapped. “We write some of the songs as a group and Zelo and Jonguppie are doing the choreography now. We have more creative control all the time. And I'm the visual, I'm not _relegated to the background._ "

"The _visual_ ," Mina repeated scornfully. "Don't you even see what a waste that is? You're a brilliant musician, they should be having you _compose_ , not stand around looking pretty."

Himchan almost laughed at the thought of composing. That had been the dream when he was a teenager, to join a classical orchestra as his day job and compose on the side until he could create his own music full-time. He thought of the brilliant teams Yongguk had worked with on the past few albums, tried to imagine himself pitting his ideas against theirs. It was crazy, a childhood fantasy, like being an astronaut for other kids.

“You don't know what you're talking about. I do a lot more than you think,” Himchan said. He took a long sip of wine, trying to calm down. Mina's comments had hit closer to home than he'd like. She'd always been a good shot.

They were quiet for a painful moment.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Mina spoke up first. "You're right, I--don't know what your life is like."

"Thank y--"

"But I still think your talent's going to waste," she hurried on. Himchan rolled his eyes heavenward and asked no one in particular for strength. 

"Can we go back to the part where you admit I'm right?" he said. "That you don't know anything about me, and _definitely_ nothing about Yongguk."

She shook her head. "I see some things never change," she said. Before Himchan could ask what _that_ was supposed to mean, she changed the subject. Probably for the best.

They walked around downtown after dinner, sobering up, getting patbingsoo, talking. Himchan was fascinated to hear about Mina’s studies in the classical music department; it was like a glimpse down his own path not taken.

“Do you ever regret it?” Mina asked at one point, uncharacteristically tentative all of a sudden. “Leaving the program, I mean.”

Himchan didn’t answer right away—not because he didn’t know, but because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. After all, leaving the classical music program had also meant leaving _her_.

“No,” he admitted. “I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.”

She looked away.

When he dropped her off it was almost 11.

“I can walk you up,” he offered.

“Nah, parking’s hard this time of night,” Mina said. She paused at the open car door. “Thanks again, Himchan. It really is good to see you.”

“You too.” He was surprised to find he actually meant it. They promised to get coffee sometime, and he headed back to the house.

Alone in the car, he wasn't sure what to feel. He'd naively assumed he would never see Mina again. Now that he had, he had to admit it hadn't been terrible, exactly. Although she still _pushed_. He'd forgotten how she did that. All her comments about his role in the group...he did a hell of a lot more than just stand around looking pretty. (Although standing around looking pretty was nothing to be sniggered at. Did she think it was easy to look this good?) 

His thoughts turned, inevitably, to Jongup. Was he still angry? Just how badly had he fucked things up by lying, anyway? He wasn’t especially practiced at having Jongup mad at him; other than the occasional squabble, he was slow to anger.

Himchan had to pull over. He took out his phone and called him. This was about the time they usually talked. 

It rang six times then went to voicemail.

This wasn't exactly comforting. 

He got back on the road and drove the rest of the way to his parents' house. The kitchen lights were still on when he pulled in the driveway. He found his mother sitting at the table with a mug of tea and her checkbook, scribbling away in her tiny, meticulous handwriting. 

"Hi, Eomma," Himchan greeted her, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "What are you doing?"

"Balancing the checkbook. How was dinner?" she demanded. Himchan went to the fridge and pulled out some juice.

"Fine, Mina says hi. You know no one actually uses checkbooks anymore, right? You can do everything online, it's much easier."

"I like to see it all laid out in front of me. Anyway, I'm too old to change my ways now," his mother said. 

"Ancient," Himchan agreed, sitting down across from her. She swatted at him. 

"Tell me more about your date."

"We've been through this, it wasn't a date."

"Well I can't understand it," she said bluntly. "You two were so close when you were younger. You've known each other all your lives. You think it's going to be that easy to find someone else who understands you? You're not so young anymore."

He tried very hard not to roll his eyes. He understood where she was coming from, of course. She wanted him to be happy. Of course she didn't know that he already _had_ someone who understood him. From her perspective he was about to enter his late twenties, still had his military service to put in, and would have to start from scratch when he was done.

"We're not really even supposed to date," he reminded her. The TS contracts weren't as explicit now as they used to be, but everyone knew idols were discouraged from dating. They were supposed to be available at all times. They weren't supposed to love anyone more than their fans. 

Himchan loved Babyz a great deal, but he'd throw them over for Jongup in a heartbeat.

"Oh, no one pays attention to that rule," his mother said confidently. Himchan rested his chin in his hand and smiled at her. "What did I just read about two idols dating, hmm?"

"I wouldn't know. Besides, you're not talking about me dating another idol," he reminded her. 

"Himchan." His mother fixed her with a steely gaze. "You're twenty-six. And you're not exactly the visual you once were."

It was nothing he hadn't heard before, nothing he didn't already _know_ , but Himchan's gut twisted at her words nonetheless. 

"You may not have as many options as you think. Mina loves you," his mother said firmly. This time he _did_ roll his eyes.

"We broke up over _five years ago_ , Eomma. You don't think she's moved on? I just had dinner with her and I can tell you, she's not any more interested in getting back together than I am."

"If you'd just give it a chance--"

"I'm leaving in three days. I don't know when we'll have a real break again." Himchan stood up and put his glass in the sink. "I'm tired, I'm going up."

His mother frowned at him, clearly displeased, but she let him kiss her cheek again and escape the kitchen.

Safely back in his room, he stared at his phone for awhile, debated trying Jongup again. He opened a text window, but couldn't think what to say.

While he was debating, though, a text came through from Jongup. His heart leapt into his throat, which was a very cliche thing for it to do, really.

_Out with Junhong, I'll talk to you later_

He stared at it for a few minutes, willing it to give him more information, like what exactly Jongup was doing with the maknae and exactly how pissed he was at Himchan.

He consoled himself that at least he wasn't ignoring him completely.

It took him a very long time to fall asleep that night.

**

The last three days of break were torture. Jongup always seemed to be out and couldn't find the time to get to the phone. He wasn't exactly ignoring Himchan; he would text him and tell him what he was doing, but that was all. 

"This is all your fault," Himchan fumed over the phone. 

"You know he won't stay angry for long," Yongguk said. 

"I _don't_ know that! He's never stayed angry for _this_ long before! We're in...in uncharted territory! Anything can happen! You might turn talkative! Daehyun could be quiet! Youngjae could get through six minutes without making a sarcastic comment, we don't know!"

Himchan was aware he was ranting and also that what he was saying was fairly ridiculous. But he felt close to panic at the idea that he'd already screwed up the best thing he'd ever had, and with the most easy-going person he knew. His mother was right about him. Fuck, she was going to wind up arranging his marriage in a few years, wasn't she.

"Himchan?" Yongguk sounded so concerned he realized he'd been calling his name for a few minutes.

"Hmm?"

"I can hear you freaking out and overthinking things from here," his best friend chided gently. "It'll be fine, we'll all be back in the dorm tomorrow and you can talk it out in person. I'll make sure the others leave you alone."

"How are you gonna do that, sit on Daehyun?"

"I'll get Youngjae to do it, take both of them out at once."

He had to laugh at that. He took a deep breath. "Okay. Thanks Bbang. I'm still mad at you."

"Oh no," Yongguk said with a deplorable lack of concern. "Get some sleep, see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Himchan muttered, hanging up. "Tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6

**Week Seven**

 

Yongguk didn't like the idea of any of the dongsaengs coming back to an empty dorm, so as always, he returned early. He wandered around the empty apartment straightening up some of the mess they'd left in the barrage of activity before leaving. There was something meditative about it. 

It was also the perfect chance to get in some quality fretting. While things had been going well, the group had been going _hard_ , and he worried it was too much. 

He worried Daehyun would push himself too hard. He sang each rehearsal as though it were the real performance and had been known to make himself hoarse right before a show. Not only that, but he took chief responsibility for the group's SNS presence, constantly interacting with fans. He loved it, but he also took little things to heart and a passing comment could make him self-conscious for days. 

Yongguk worried Junhong would get hurt. Fuck, he still didn't understand how he moved onstage, it didn't look possible. One wrong landing and he could tear a ligament or dislocate a something or Yongguk didn't even _know_ what. Something bad. Plus he sometimes caught the maknae scribbling away in his notebook with this _dark_ look on his face. He wished Junhong would share those writings. He didn't know how hard he should push.

He worried Youngjae would feel shunted to the side. He'd once been slated to be the group's lead vocal, and then they found Daehyun. A lesser person might have been threatened, standoffish with the latecomer, but not Youngjae. He'd gladly shared the stage with Daehyun. And now with Jongup singing so much more...

He worried about Jongup and Himchan. The signs had been there for months, maybe even years, but somehow he still hadn't seen it coming. And now they were a _they_ , and he felt both protective of and somewhat intimidated by them. What they had was so intense; they'd both been miserable apart. But now, together, they were unwittingly changing the makeup of the group, and Yongguk couldn't see where it would lead or what else would change. The two of them becoming so much closer made them each more separate from everyone else. 

And now Mina was back.

He didn't notice he made a face when he thought of her. He hadn't thought of her in years, hadn't expected this. 

He kept getting blindsided.

Woo Mina had almost taken Himchan away from B.A.P. The others didn't know, he was certain, but he remembered all too well, the race to the train station and his silent promise to anyone or anything listening that he would make it all worth it if Himchan could just stay and give it a chance, _please_. 

He'd had more than a few chances to worry he'd broken that promise, but Himchan _had_ stayed. He'd let Mina go, released the security of that future for the chaotic mess that was idol life. He'd been steady even through the lawsuit, and Yongguk had thought they were safe, that nothing could break them up.

Now there was Mina, again, and he and Jongup weren't speaking. 

He heard the front door open, voices. The maknaes. He ducked out of his room and found his friends kicking their shoes off and depositing bags and backpacks on the common room furniture. They'd been back less than a minute and already the place was a mess. Just like it should be.

"Yongguk-hyung!" Junhong said--well, yelled--and gave him an enthusiastic, back-slappy hug while Jongup watched bemusedly. 

"Junhongie," Yongguk greeted him, holding him at arm's length to lessen the severity of the blows. He met Jongup's eyes. "Did he have sugar?"

"Jongup-hyung bought me a mocha!" Junhong said happily.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Jongup said drily. He bumped fists with Yongguk calmly and Yongguk tried to gauge his mood. As always, though, Jongup seemed perfectly...Jongup. He gave nothing away. 

"How was your break?" he attempted. Jongup gave him a strange look.

"Fine," he said. "Any new tattoos?"

"Not this time."

They regarded each other for a moment while Junhong bustled around them; the two quietest members in the group. They were, Yongguk decided, unlikely to get anywhere. He'd have to let Himchan deal with it himself.

**

Himchan was running late. First he overslept because he was tossing and turning half the night, worrying over Jongup and the tour and Jongup and Mina and his stupid too-fat body and Jongup. Then there was some problem at the train station so he was delayed further. He wound up trying to get a cab at rush hour, which he hated. It made him feel like scum, taking a taxi away from some exhausted office worker trying to get home. In the end, he was the last member back to the dorm by several hours.

"Where have you _been_?" Youngjae demanded as soon as he stepped inside. He toed off his shoes and eyed the younger, who was sprawled out on the couch holding a jar of kimchi and a pair of chopsticks. 

"Don't tell me that's your dinner," he said disapprovingly.

"Nah, snack. Seriously, you're so late, hyung." Youngjae put his food down and pulled Himchan's suitcase away from him. 

"Long story. Boring story. Long day. How are you?" Himchan said. He could hear rumbles of the others from further in the dorm. His ears automatically tried to pick out Jongup's voice from the rest. 

"Getting old," Youngjae said, carrying Himchan's suitcase to his room. Himchan followed, marveling at this unusual show of fealty. "Yah, Himchan-hyung's finally here, we can eat!" Youngjae called to the apartment at large. Cheers erupted from various other rooms. It would have been sweet if Himchan thought they were cheering for him rather than the promise of food.

"You didn't have to wait for me," he said as Youngjae tossed his suitcase onto his bed.

Yongguk was on his own bed with Junhong, who had a notebook in his lap and a blanket draped over his head. 

"Of course we waited," Yongguk said simply. It was true that it had become habit for all the members to have dinner together their first night back from any break, but it had never seemed particularly intentional before. Himchan was touched. 

He rested his hand on the maknae's head, smushing his fringe against his forehead. Junhong smiled and blinked his huge doe eyes up at him.

"Hi hyung," he said. "Jonguppie hyung's in his room."

Himchan thought there was something knowing in his eyes. He'd seen Jongup over the break. He wondered what they'd talked about.

He met Yongguk's eyes. Yongguk gave him a very small nod, then said, "Youngjae-ah, get the menus." They kept a stack of takeaway menus in the kitchen. Youngjae gave a solemn nod and left the room. Himchan pressed Junhong's head and left, too, crossing the hall and stopping in Jongup's doorway.

He was sitting on his bed and Daehyun was cross-legged on Youngjae's and they were talking in low voices. They stopped when Himchan appeared.

"Himchan hyung!" Daehyun said, unfolding his legs and standing, stretching. "Where've you been?"

"Train delays," Himchan said shortly, his attention arrested by Jongup, who was just looking at him with his damned inscrutable gaze. Daehyun glanced between them and shifted uncomfortably. "Youngjae's getting menus," Himchan told him, and his dongsaeng brightened. 

"My powers are needed!" he said. Himchan stepped inside to let him pass and Daehyun gave him a quick sideways hug as he went. 

Himchan closed the door. 

"Hi," he said. 

"Hi," Jongup agreed.

Cautiously, Himchan took Daehyun's abandoned place on Youngjae's bed. "You've been busy," he commented. Jongup nodded. He had on a pair of shorts and one of the tour hoodies, unzipped, with nothing underneath, and he looked unfairly beautiful. 

"How was your dinner date?" he said, his voice neutral. So they were just getting into it; good. Himchan wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush. 

"It was okay, I guess. A little awkward. I told her about you," Himchan said. Jongup looked taken aback.

"Really?"

"I mean I didn't name you specifically, but I told her I was involved. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea."

_Don't_ you _have the wrong idea, Jonguppie,_ he thought.

"Was she upset?"

"I think she was relieved."

Jongup didn't look convinced. "You told me you almost got married," he said. Accused. Himchan sighed. 

"We made a million plans. Nothing practical. It was more like..." He cast about, trying to explain it. "like _playing house_ than real love. We were too young, you know?"

Jongup's gaze turned stony. "Like five years ago," he said slowly. "You were practically my age, hyung."

This gave Himchan a start. He honestly forgot sometimes that Jongup was so much younger. Jongup at twenty-two bore zero relationship to Himchan at twenty-one. He hadn't had a fraction of Jongup's self-possession then. Hell, he didn't have a fraction of it _now_. They teased Jongup for being so random and 4-d, but the truth was Jongup had crazy amounts of focus and discipline, and he didn't seem to suffer from half the insecurities as Himchan had at his age. Sure, he liked manga and cartoons and video games, but, well. They all did. 

"That's different," he said. Jongup scoffed. "No, it _is_ ," Himchan insisted. "Do you remember what I was like five years ago?"

"You were the same as you are now," Jongup snapped. Himchan blinked, hurt, and Mina's words rang in his mind. _Some things never change._ She hadn't meant it as a compliment, and Jongup clearly didn't either.  His explanations died in his throat. 

His feelings must have shown on his face because Jongup softened. 

"I mean--"

"Hyung? Jongup?" Youngjae knocked on the door. "Is it safe to come in?"

Himchan slid off the bed and opened the door, forcing a smile. "Of course."

"We ordered chicken, it should be here soon," Youngjae said. 

"Great. I'm going to unpack," Himchan said. He left the room, unable to meet Jongup's eyes. 

Back in his own room, he unpacked mechanically, aware of Yongguk watching him. For once, though, he didn't feel like talking. 

_You were the same as you are now_. 

The thing was, he was very much afraid this was true. While the others had kept building up their skills and developing new ones, he was still just a singer, still an only-passable dancer. If anything he was worse, what with the weight gain, plus he'd barely practiced the janggu or piano in ages so wasn't as skilled at it as he once was. 

"Himchan?" Yongguk touched his shoulder lightly and he jumped. "Are you all right?"

Junhong had left, or else he had melted into a puddle of blankets on Yongguk's bed. Himchan hadn't noticed. 

"Of course," he said again. Yongguk arched his eyebrow at him. 

"You and Jongup--"

"I don't want to talk about it," Himchan interrupted. He moved deliberately out of his friend's reach and continued putting his clothes away. 

"That's a bad sign," Yongguk said after a beat. Himchan just shrugged. Yongguk crawled onto his bed and the pile of clothes he was organizing. "Do you want me to talk to him?"

"I want you to get off my stuff before you wrinkle everything," Himchan said crossly. Yongguk pulled a few shirts out from under him and handed them over sheepishly. 

"What happened?" he said.

"What part of _I don't want to talk about it_ is hard to understand?"

'The part where it's _you_ saying it. You always want to talk about stuff," Yongguk said. Himchan tossed the shirt carelessly onto the pile. What did it matter, he was just going to be packing again in a few days anyway. 

"Well this time I don't," he snapped. "Is that so hard to imagine, that I could want something different than I used to?"

Yongguk looked confused. "What's happening right now?" he said quietly. His composure just made Himchan angrier. Yongguk really _couldn't_ believe that he might not want to talk. Did they all find him so predictable? Typical Himchan. Unchanging Himchan. 

"I need some air," he told Yongguk. He grabbed his jacket and was out the door before his friend could protest. 

Daehyun and Junhong were in the common room, chatting amiably and setting stacks of plates and chopsticks on the coffee table. 

"Where are you going? Food's almost here!" Daehyun called after him, but he didn't stop. Suddenly he couldn't get out fast enough. 

**

He walked the streets of Seoul, willing himself to calm down. It didn't work. He felt the wrong size for his own skin. Exposed, as if he'd thought he was one thing but all this time everyone else had known he was something else. 

His phone buzzed repeatedly. 

Yongguk: _Where are you?_

Junhong: _Hyung are you okay? :(_

Youngjae sent a picture of chicken. 

Himchan ignored them all. Another buzz. Rolling his eyes, he checked his phone again. Daehyun, he figured. 

It was Mina. 

_Hey, I have extra tickets to my show tonight. Feel up for some old school music? Bring your girlfriend if you like!_

Himchan slowed down, reading and rereading the text. After a minute, he wrote back.

**

Jongup wasn't sure how he was supposed to eat chicken at a time like this. He scowled at the drumstick Daehyun was waving under his nose. 

"I'm not hungry."

"What's wrong with everyone?" Daehyun demanded, looking around the table. A pointless question, really. They were five when they should have been six. Yongguk was stone-faced and hadn't even bothered to take a plate. Junhong was looking worriedly between him and Jongup. Youngjae was eating in an automatic kind of way, but he seemed to be chewing on his fingernails almost as much as the chicken. Daehyun was uncomfortable and trying to cover it by being twice as loud as usual. 

Normally Jongup would smile and eat, smooth things over and hide that he was upset. But he couldn't bring himself to do it now. 

Himchan's face. Jongup had hurt him, and he'd seen the exact moment it happened, too late to take his own stupid words back. The last time someone had put that expression on Himchan's face, Jongup had punched them. 

Punching himself was a possibility he hadn't ruled out. He felt sick. 

He'd been angry, okay. Himchan had been so dismissive of his own feelings, as if the idea of a twenty-one year old in love was nothing but a joke. Was that what he thought about Jongup? That this was all some stupid phase he would grow out of? That he didn't know his own mind? Jongup didn't know how else to interpret what Himchan had said.

So he'd lashed out, and he'd hurt him back. The worst part was it hadn't been inadvertent, like Himchan's comment. He'd known it would hurt him. For a second he'd actually wanted to.

It was why he couldn't bring himself to text him now that he'd left. He'd seen the others, covertly peeking at their phones, tapping quick messages. They were allowed to be worried because they weren't total jackasses. 

Abruptly, Yongguk stood up. "Jongup-ah," he said firmly. Jongup met his eyes and the leader jerked his head to the hallway. Jongup followed obediently, leaving the others in uncomfortable quiet around the food.

Yongguk led Jongup into his own room and shut the door.

"What happened?" he said. Jongup shook his head. "Was it about Mina?"

He jerked his head up at that. Of course, though. Yongguk must know all about it. 

"Kind of," he said finally, because not answering Yongguk wasn't an option. 

"You know that's ancient history, right?" Yongguk said. "That was years ago, and they were both really young."

Jongup's anger flared again, hot and unexpected. 

"I got that part," he said through gritted teeth. 

"So--" Yongguk stopped, frowning. After a long beat, he said, "Is there anything I can do?" 

It wasn't what Jongup had expected him to say. He'd been waiting for an interrogation. The quiet question made his anger leave him as suddenly as it had come. 

"I said something stupid," he said quietly. "I don't--know what to do?" 

Yongguk nodded, crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Give him time," he said finally. "He'll be ready to talk when he gets back."

"Are you sure?"

Yongguk nodded, though Jongup thought he didn't look _exactly_ sure. 

"Positive."

**

Mina met Himchan at the back entrance of the music hall, already wearing her traditional blue and red hanbok.

"I feel underdressed," Himchan said, frowning down at his jeans. Mina waved a hand carelessly. 

"You've never been underdressed in your life," she said. "Besides, I got the box seats tonight, just sit in the back if you're worried about someone seeing you. You didn't bring--what was her name again?"

"Couldn't make it, sorry," Himchan said, following her through the bowels of the building. He could hear the dim rumblings of the audience, a familiar sound. It felt strange to know they weren't there for him. It was nice. 

"How'd you wind up with the extra tickets?" 

"I'd saved them for some friends but they just canceled on me."

They dodged instruments and musicians in the hallways. No one gave them a second glance. Himchan recognized the pre-performance energy all too well, and enjoyed the novelty of being outside it for once. 

"Anyway, I figured it had probably been a while since you got to see someone else perform, especially traditional stuff," Mina continued as they half-jogged a circuitous path backstage.

"It's been forever," Himchan agreed. 

There was no more time to talk. Mina led him directly to the box, where it was too easy for him to stay in the shadows and wait for the performance to begin. 

He turned off his phone and watched the audience until the lights went down. 

**

He'd forgotten. 

He hadn't been kidding when he said it had been forever since he'd seen a classical performance. The last time felt like another life. For the first time in a long time, Himchan felt _transported_ by music that he wasn't a part of himself. 

The group was fantastic, a skilled, soaring body made up of just a dozen musicians. Himchan picked Mina out early, playing the hae gum in the back. He felt himself relax for the first time all week as the familiar old songs washed over him. He watched the janggu player with particular interest. In another life, that might have been him up there. 

The performance was less than two hours, and felt somehow both many times longer and over all too fast. Himchan joined the audience in a standing ovation at the end, grinning at Mina's flushed face, the suppressed smile he could see from his seat.

He waited twenty minutes. He turned his phone back on but then didn't look at it,  unwilling to let real life intrude on his euphoria. He wanted the feeling to last as long as possible. 

"Psst!" 

He turned to find Mina grinning at him from behind the curtain. She'd changed out of the traditional dress into jeans and a t-shirt, though her hair was still in its neat chignon at the base of her skull. 

"Hey!" Himchan rose, returning her smile and kissing her cheek impulsively. "You were amazing."

She flushed prettily. "Thanks. Sit down, there's still a crowd out there, I can't get you out undercover yet." 

He sat and she collapsed into a seat a few down from him. 

"So you liked it?" she pressed. "You weren't bored?"

"Stop fishing for compliments," Himchan said, and she laughed. 

"Do you remember the first time we played here?" she said, looking down on the stage. Himchan snorted, recalling. It had been their final performance before graduating, a great honor to play in such a grand theater. 

"I remember _someone_ hid my sheet music," he said. 

"I was just trying to distract you; you looked so nervous I thought you were going to throw up on your janggu," Mina said, laughing.

"You were terrible," Himchan said. "And _not_ helpful, for the record." He tried to see the space as he had back then. It had seemed so vast. Now it was barely a third the size of the stadiums B.A.P. usually played. "I was still just as nervous."

"Well. It distracted me, anyway," Mina said. She was gazing at the stage with a faraway look on her face. 

"Do you still get stage fright?" Himchan asked. She'd been good at hiding it, but he remembered hugging her for good luck, the way he could feel her heart hammering wildly against her chest.

"Mm, not really. Just kind of amped up right before I go onstage. You?" she said.

"Same."

They smiled at each other for a second.

"So what's the matter?" Mina asked. Himchan looked away. 

"What do you mean?"

"Himchan." She only had to say his name once, very softly, and he remembered how well she'd once known him. 

"It was a bad week, that's all." He didn't look at her. 

"Does that have anything to do with our dinner?" she asked. "Or the reason your girlfriend isn't here with you tonight?"

He sighed. He didn't want to answer. He was tired of lies, sick of half-truths. Mina echoed his sigh. 

"I'm sorry, Himchan," she said. "I didn't mean to be a--a complication." 

"You're not," he said automatically. "Everything was already complicated." He sat up a little straighter and looked at her. She was watching him closely. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"At dinner you said _some things never change_. What did you mean?"

She cocked her head to the side, frowning. "When did I--oh. Right." She seemed to be thinking deeply. When she spoke, her words were deliberate, slow.

"Okay. Well. When we were growing up," she said, "I don't think you ever really knew what you wanted. I mean, I think you knew you liked making other people happy, and that meant you mostly did whatever anyone pushed you to do. Your parents wanted you to study classical music, so you did. I wanted us to date, so we did. Even our whole _plan_ , joining some orchestra, getting married--" She colored a bit. "It was all my idea. And then you met Yongguk. You ask why I don't like him? I guess I always thought he took advantage of you. He needed someone like you, and he figured out he could get you to do what he wanted, never mind it was a waste of your talents. Listening to you be so proud of him when I know he's still doing what _he_ wants and you're still not getting the recognition yourself, not getting to make your own music--well. It just felt a little too familiar."

Himchan considered this. He thought there was some truth in some of what she was saying. The Yongguk, stuff, though...

"Okay, what am I missing? Why are you smiling?" Mina asked. Himchan touched his lips lightly; he hadn't realized he was. 

"You're just missing a few key details," he said. He could have told her, could have spelled out all the ways she had him and Yongguk all wrong. But he suddenly realized she wasn't the person he wanted to tell.

"Are you going to fill me in?"

"Some other time," he said, smiling at her. "In any case, this was great. Just what I needed, honestly."

"I'm glad." She gave him a quizzical little smile, stood up and peeked around the curtain. "I think we're safe if you want to get out of here. Want to get a drink?"

Himchan hesitated and pulled out his phone. Mina waited patiently, watching him. 

He opened his text messages.

A new one, from Jongup. Two words. 

_Come home._


	7. Chapter 7

The dongsaengs were crowded into the common room when Himchan returned. They had some movie on, one of the ones with robots. They all seemed to have robots these days. 

Everyone looked around when Himchan came in. Youngjae and Daehyung were cuddled together on one end of the couch, Junhong on the other, his long legs stretched across their laps. He gave Himchan a little smile. 

"Leftover chicken's in the fridge," Youngjae said around the straw he was chewing on. Daehyun just looked anxiously between him and Jongup. 

Jongup was sitting on a pillow on the floor, but he stood up immediately when Himchan met his eyes.  Himchan nodded towards the hallway and walked out of the room, hearing the younger man following.

Yongguk was in their room, typing away at his ever-present laptop. Himchan had a twinge of guilt at the sight of him. He probably owed him an apology. Yongguk stood up immediately when they entered, closed his computer and tucked it under his arm. He made to leave the room.

"Yongguk-ah," Himchan said quietly, and his friend stopped, looked at him for a beat. Then he gave him a very small smile and cuffed the back of his neck lightly on his way out, closing the door behind him as he went. 

Himchan turned to look at Jongup, who was shifting from one foot to the other just inside the room. 

"Sit down?" Himchan invited. Jongup did, tentatively, on the edge of his bed. Himchan sat next to him without touching him. 

"Where'd you go?" Jongup asked softly. 

"At first I was just walking around. Then Mina invited me to see her perform, so I did that."

He had a feeling this admission would cost him, and sure enough he felt Jongup stiffen beside him. 

"I went because I needed to ask her something," he said. "When we had dinner, we fought a little--I mean, of course we did--and she told me I hadn't changed. So when you said the same thing...well, I wanted to know what she meant."

"I shouldn't have said that."

He looked at Jongup, who was working a tiny hole in his hoodie sleeve into a full-blown thumb hole. Himchan hesitated, then reached over and took his hand, stilling its restless movement. Jongup didn't hold his hand back, but he didn't pull away, so that was something. 

"It's okay," Himchan told him. The younger man shook his head once in violent, convulsive denial.

"I didn't mean it."

Himchan tightened his grip a little. "I lied to you," he said. "I didn't mean to, but I did. I should have told you a long time ago."

"You didn't know what would happen."

"Still."

Jongup met his gaze and tried to smile. "Was there anything else you wanted to mention?"

"I left the group," Himchan said, chasing Jongup's smile away. "Almost, anyway. It was right before our debut. You remember--it felt like we were _living_ in the studio, and not like it is now. We were still...learning each other. It seemed like one of us had a meltdown every other day."

"You never did."

"Not in front of you." 

Maybe it would have been better if he had, Himchan reflected. But he'd wanted so much to be a _hyung_ , someone the dongsaengs could depend on. He'd always been the youngest before. He thought he had to be strong all the time, the way Yongguk seemed to be. 

"But it was just as hard for me," he said. "I'd only recently switched from traditional music, and for the first time in a long time, I was only...average. I knew I wasn't the best singer, obviously, or dancer, or anything. And at some point I had to wonder what the hell I was doing there with the rest of you."

Jongup's fingers curled around his.

"Hyung--"

"No, just--listen, okay?" He forced himself to smile because Jongup looked so worried. "I'm just saying how I felt then. I started to think maybe I'd made a mistake. And there was this awful day in the studio where I couldn't do _anything_ right, I kept running into Daehyun in the choreography, I overheard the vocal hyungs talking--you remember the really scary one we had before we debuted?--I overheard him say I was _mediocre at best._ "

The memory of it didn't have the same sting it once had, but it gave him a pang of sympathy for the kid he'd been then. 

"And it all just hit me at once, I guess, being so tired and homesick and missing Mina and missing being _good_ at things and feeling like I was dragging the rest of you down. So I packed a bag, left a note and went to the train station.

"And I got there, and there was a train that would take me home, and I just...froze. Couldn't get on. Couldn't go back. I just stood on the platform for...I don't even know how long."

"But you didn't leave," Jongup ventured after a minute. Himchan shook his head slowly.

"It took a while but at some point I turned around and Yongguk was there. Just...standing there, watching me. He'd found my note and came after me."

He could still feel the overwhelming rush of gratitude he'd had when he realized the rapper had come after him. Yongguk joined him on the platform then.

"He just asked me what I wanted. I'll never forget that; he didn't ask what I was doing there or--or chew me out or try to talk me out of it. He just asked what I wanted to do. And I didn't know how to answer for the longest time. So we just stood there."

"So what happened?"

"I started talking, of course." Himchan laughed a little. "It took a while to get started, but once I did, I was off, I just said everything I'd been bottling up for all those weeks trying to act strong for you all. And by the time I was done, I had an answer."

He turned on the bed to face Jongup, then found he couldn't quite look at him. He focused on their linked hands instead. He'd grown to like Jongup's hands over the past few months, his square palms, blunt fingernails, the sharp jut of his thumb.

"Being in B.A.P was the first thing I knew for sure I wanted for myself," he said. "Being with you was the second. I wasn't discounting what I felt for Mina because I was young, Jongup-ah--I did it because I didn't know who the hell I _was_ before I was part of this group. I don't care about anything that came before it because it was all just stuff I let happen to me. Everything else--the group, the lawsuit even, _you_ \--I chose all of it. I'd choose it all again. I'm so fucking in love with you I can't _see_ straight. Please don't tell me I messed everything u--"

Jongup was kissing him. His free hand came around to cup the back of Himchan's head and pull him in closer. He went, willingly. The relief was a living thing in his chest.

Jongup broke off but didn't back away. 

"You never dragged us down, stupid," he whispered fiercely. "You don't even know--I wouldn't have made it through all those months without you. Are you crazy?"

"I've heard it suggested." Himchan pulled back just far enough to see Jongup's face clearly. "Does this mean you forgive me?"

Jongup sighed deeply. "You shouldn't have lied," he said, his voice sharpening. "You didn't need to."

"You're right, I'm sorry."

"But are you sure..." Jongup started worrying at his lower lip, his brow furrowed.

"What?" Himchan prodded. They were so close to being made up, so close to being back to normal, and he wanted to get there as quickly as possible.

"Are you sure about, you know. This. Us. I mean--" Jongup paused and it took everything Himchan had not to interrupt him and say _yes, yes, obviously yes_ , because he could see the younger was working through something. "Mina's a girl," he said finally.

Somehow, Himchan hadn't expected this. Of all the obstacles Mina presented, the whole girl thing had barely occured to him. 

"Oh," he said. "Are you--asking if I'm sure I'm into you even though you're a guy? Because I didn't _think_ I was being subtle." 

"You liked girls before," Jongup muttered. 

"Maybe I like both," Himchan said. His whole falling-in-love-with-his-teammate-who-happened-to-be-a-guy thing had been a surprise, but he hadn't actually given it much thought. It felt _right_ with Jongup. "But I like you best, so...does it matter?"

"I guess not." Jongup still looked a little troubled, though. Himchan tried to think how to explain it.

"The thing is," he said, "I still notice pretty girls. They'll...you know, register? But I don't _want_ them. It's just like, _huh, she looks nice_ and then I forget about it. I want _you_ all the time."

Jongup considered this. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Constantly. And emphatically."

"Huh." Jongup still looked thoughtful, but less worried. It occured to Himchan that this might not be solved with a single conversation. Maybe that was okay. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Hey," he said, finding Jongup's hand and squeezing it until Jongup looked at him. "I missed you this week."

Jongup's expression relaxed. "Oh," he said. 

"Oh?" Himchan repeated indignantly. "That's it, _oh_? You didn't miss me?"

Jongup shrugged. He was clearly trying not to smile, and Himchan knew, he _knew_ he was just trying to get a rise out of him. But damn it, it was working. 

"Aishh, this is too much," he muttered, standing up. Jongup caught his wrists and pulled him down on him, and he was grinning now. 

"Maybe I missed you," he offered. "A little."

" _Maybe_ ," Himchan repeated. " _A little."_

"You were the one dating other people the minute I left," Jongup said, but he was still smiling and there was no undercurrent of hurt in his words now. They really were okay. Himchan hit his shoulder.

"You were there when my mother made me do it! You should have stopped it!"

"How?"

"I don't know, you could have done anything! You could have--set the house on fire!" He tried to think if there was anything in his parents' house that he would have to save. His janggu, but not much else. Certainly his family could take care of themselves.

"That would have been distracting," Jongup agreed. "I didn't think fast enough. Someone gave me too much wine first."

Himchan rolled off his lap and pulled him so they were both sitting against the wall, leaning on each other.

"We should have a signal for next time," he suggested. "Like a private SOS, so if one of us gets in trouble we can signal the other."

Jongup was doing that thing where he played with Himchan's fingers. Himchan loved that thing. He slumped down so he could rest his head on Jongup's shoulder and felt himself relax for the first time in days. 

"What kind of signal?" Jongup said. 

"Like--winking, or something."

"No fair, you know I can't wink."

"Yours can be something different. You can tug on your ear or something."

"But it shouldn't be anything I might do by accident. Maybe I could do a flip or something."

"Oh, _that's_ discrete." 

Jongup snorted and rested his head on Himchan's. "I'll keep thinking," he said. "Hyung?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too, you know."

It felt like a gift. "Thank you," Himchan said softly. Jongup squeezed his hand.

"Thank you for coming back," he said. "Five years ago and tonight."

"I always will," Himchan promised. They sat quietly together for a few minutes, fingers entwined. "Jongup-ah?"

"Mm?"

"Youngjae said there's chicken?"

**

Jongup was asleep. Maybe Himchan should have woken him, made him go to his own bed, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He liked seeing Jongup surrounded by _his_ things, the quilt that used to hang in his grandmother's house, his pillow with the stupid _good morning sunshine!_ pillowcase Junhong had given him. Even--he scowled as Jongup's sleepy shuffles unearthed a familiar orange and black stuffed animal from where Yongguk had hidden it in his sheets. The rapper thought this was the height of hilarity, sneaking Tiggers into Himchan's things so that when he least expected it he'd find himself being stared at by those manic, creepy eyes. He pulled the plush out, careful not to disturb Jongup, and tossed it onto Yongguk's side of the room. 

It came to rest face-up, staring at him. He rolled his eyes and slipped from the bed gently. Jongup made a quiet fussing sound (Himchan had to bite the back of his hand to keep from cooing; he was so fucking cute he couldn't bear it sometimes) before settling. 

He hit the light on his way out, closing the door quietly behind him. He was too amped up to sleep. He turned, and ran directly into the hulking figure of the maknae.

"Junhong-ah! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" he asked, holding a hand dramatically over his heart.

"Sorry hyung," Junhong said dutifully. He looked over Himchan's shoulder. "Is Jonguppie--?"

"Asleep, I didn't want to wake him, come on--" Himchan led him to the common room, which had been emptied of members. "Aishh, of course no one thinks to clean up," he grumbled upon seeing the mess of cups and empty food containers still littering the coffee table and surrounding floor. He began gathering crumpled food wrappers and Junhong joined him silently, stacking plates. 

They worked in companionable silence for a few minutes before Junhong spoke. 

"Hyung?"

"Mm?" Himchan looked up from the garbage bag he was stuffing everything into. The maknae was shifting from foot to foot, looking nervous. "What's wrong, Junhongie?"

"Is everything okay with you and Jongup-hyung?"

It was the first time any of the members but Yongguk had come right out and asked about them. Himchan lowered the garbage bag. 

"Yeah, Junhong-ah. We're okay," he said. He perched on the arm of the couch, studying his dongsaeng. "I'm sorry," he offered. "We-- _I_ \--didn't mean to make things awkward for the rest of you. That was my fault."

Junhong frowned. "But--you shouldn't have to just...act like things are okay if they're not," he said. "You shouldn't have to hide it when something's wrong. Or if things are _good,_ either--you both act like we're all gonna get grossed out if we see you happy together or something."

Himchan didn't quite know what to say to this. He _had_ been worried, honestly, half-afraid if he and Jongup made a wrong move the others would take back their blessing. But here was the youngest of all of them, and his face said that this idea was ridiculous.

"We didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable," he said. 

"It's more uncomfortable pretending like nothing's changed," Junhong said, rolling the abandoned chopsticks into a thick stick in his hand. "And anyway you guys used to fight in front of us all the time."

Himchan tossed a balled up wrapper at him and Junhong dodged, laughing. 

"Fine, maybe you're right," he conceded.

"HA!" Junhong lifted both arms in triumph and looked around the room, his face falling when he remembered there was no one else there to share in his moment. He settled for kissing his own bicep in congratulations. This time Himchan threw a balled up napkin at him. Junhong caught it and tossed it back, immediately looking shocked at his own daring. Himchan snickered. 

"Truce," he advised. "I don't want to clean all this up again." 

Junhong snorted in agreement and they went back to cleaning. "Where did everyone else go, anyway?" Himchan asked.

"Yongguk hyung went to the studio and Daehyun hyung and Youngjae hyung were gonna watch a movie but they've just been arguing over which one for like an hour, so I came out here," Junhong said. Himchan noticed he'd brought his notebook with him. 

"You writing?" he asked casually. The maknae still got shy and blushy when anyone showed an interest in his lyrics, but then he'd go and post them on SNS for the world to see. Easier to bask in the support of a thousand adoring fans than to face the terror of asking for Yongguk's opinion, maybe.

"Ummm. Yeah, a little," Junhong said, too-quickly. 

"Anything you want to share?"

"Mmm. No?" Now the maknae looked uncomfortable. "I mean. Not yet?"

"Okay," Himchan said agreeably. "But you know you can whenever, right? With any of us." Junhong nodded and Himchan went back to cleaning. It was a moment before he noticed the maknae hadn't moved. He was chewing on his thumbnail and seemed to be thinking hard. 

"I don't like to show Yongguk-hyung," he said abruptly. Himchan tilted his head.

"You don't need to be nervous," he said. 

"It's not that, it's--everything I write is really...serious. And I think it makes him sad."

Himchan knew for a fact that this was true. He'd seen Yongguk pouring over Junhong's lyrics, had watched him listen to the untitled track he'd put out over the hiatus, and so he knew exactly what Yongguk's face looked like when his heart was breaking.

Himchan abandoned the trash bag and pointed to the couch. 

"Sit down, Junhongie," he said. 

"Hyunnng..."

" _Sit._ "

The maknae sat. Himchan sat next to him, linking arms and leaning into the improbably large boy. 

"They probably do make him sad," he said, holding Junhong's hand. "But they make him happy at the same time because he's so proud of you. He wouldn't ever want you to stop writing or to write something different because of him."

Junhong shifted a bit. "I know," he said. He gave Himchan a sidelong glance. "Yongguk hyung always lets you hear his stuff first," he said. Himchan nodded. That was an old routine, Yongguk letting him have first look at new lyrics or first listen to the latest demo. Himchan was flattered, and considered it his solemn duty to give his full, unvarnished opinion. Few things made him happier than when Yongguk applied his advice to a song. 

"Maybe I could show you some stuff sometime," Junhong said. 

"Any time," Himchan said, touched. "Really." He leaned over and kissed the maknae on the cheek fondly. 

"Blech," Junhong said, wiping it away. 

"Oh, you like it," Himchan said confidently, resting his head on Junhong's shoulder. The dancer patted his hair lightly.

"If you say so, hyung."


	8. Chapter 8

**Week Sixteen**

 

The tour ended and the plague hit. 

They'd been back in Korea for less than a week before it took Yongguk down with a fever and deep, hacking cough that wouldn't let him sleep. 

It got to Daehyun next, as chest-related ailments always seemed to do. Himchan acted as nurse to the leader, fluffing pillows and making endless cups of tea and portioning out medicine that mostly went ignored unless he stood directly over Yongguk's bed and glared. Youngjae and Jongup took turns with Daehyun, trading off when his pleading for company, tissues, honey tea and distraction got to be too much for one of them. Himchan pointed out it was silly for both of them to be exposing themselves to the illness, but by then it was too late. Jongup developed a sore throat and fever that hung around for days, while Youngjae's voice got scratchier and hoarser. No one was fooled when he muffled his coughs in his pillow. 

It was Himchan and Junhong against the world until the maknae found his hyung on the hallway floor where he'd sat down _just for a rest_ on the way to his room. Junhong had hoisted him to his feet and dragged him to bed, pulling the blankets over his shivering form. Himchan ordered him to stay out of the bedrooms with an ominous _"No matter what you hear."_

So Junhong was left alone to care for the group. He knew things were bad when Himchan stopped whining through the door for every little thing. He could only manage stoicism when he was truly ill. 

Now they were talking on the phone, Himchan from bed and Junhong from the kitchen floor. He was keeping Jongup company as the dancer had figured out that the cool tile felt good against his fevered body. He was splayed out in the middle of the room in nothing but a pair of pajama pants.

Junhong hadn't mentioned this to Himchan, not wanting to draw him out until he felt well enough to be up. 

"You must flee to the country," Himchan was saying. "Forget about us, we'll be fine." He coughed outrageously and Junhong held his phone away from his ear until the fit passed. 

"Flee?" he repeated. "The country? Are you delirious, hyung? Do I need to come in there?"

Jongup raised his head slightly from the floor and frowned.

"Is he okay?" he croaked. Junhong just kicked at him.

"I think it was just a joke, Junhonggie." Himchan didn't sound especially sure. Junhong wondered exactly how much medicine he'd taken. "But you should go home. Play with your puppy. Stay healthy." 

"Who do you think's been leaving soup outside your door? And getting that cough medicine that finally worked for Yongguk-hyung? If I leave you'll all die," Junhong said. 

"Say hi for me," Jongup said pitifully. 

Himchan was in and out for a few days. The cough and his aching body kept him awake until he passed out from sheer exhaustion, and his rest was fitful. He had curiously vivid dreams about performing where, when he lifted his camera to take pictures of the fans from stage, he saw that the auditorium was filled with his own doubles, thousands upon thousands of Himchans. It was more disconcerting than he could describe to Yongguk the next day. 

He woke up one morning--afternoon?--to find his roommate's bed empty for the first time in a week. There was a weight on his legs. He found Jongup seated on the bed, his legs stretched across Himchan's feet. He had a notebook propped on his knees and was frowning at whatever was written in it. 

"Are you real?" Himchan wheezed. Jongup jumped. 

"You're awake!" He put the notebook aside and scooted closer to Himchan, feeling his forehead with the back of a blessedly cool hand. "I think you still have a fever," he said, frowning. "You're _hot_ , hyung."

"I'm always hot."

"Ha." Jongup looked worried, though. Himchan hadn't seen him in...three days? Four? Since he started feeling really sick himself and getting out of bed became more work than it was worth. 

"How are _you_?" he asked, hoping to distract him. He thought the dancer looked a little gaunt; his sore throat had kept him from eating much all week. 

"Not horrible. Better, just a little bit of a cough now," Jongup said. His voice was raspier than usual.

"Everyone else?"

"Daehyun hyung's getting better, he's in the common room watching _Death Note_ again with Yongguk hyung. Junhonggie's making soup; he's almost good at it now. Youngjae hyung's asleep still but he finally stopped coughing."

Himchan nodded, relieved. 

"Nice homecoming, huh?"

"Best ever," Jongup said, rolling his eyes. He settled back against the wall, eyes roving over Himchan's face. "Do you need anything? Are you thirsty? Hungry?"

"Uh uh." Himchan _was_ thirsty and his throat was killing him, but he was too happy to see Jongup to let him out of his sight just yet. He nodded at the notebook. "What do you have there?" 

"Oh. I was just...reading something." Jongup flushed a little, picking up his notebook again. 

"I could see that. Reading what?"

"A song I wrote?" Jongup said timidly. Himchan brightened. 

"Really? That's---" he broke off and dove under his comforter for a quick coughing fit before reemerging and continuing, "great."

"You sound awful." Jongup said anxiously. "Let me get you some tea or something. Or juice?"

"Only if I can see what you've been working on," Himchan relented. Jongup hesitated, then nodded. He slid off the bed and dropped a light kiss on Himchan's forehead on his way out the door. 

**

It was terrible. Himchan was looking at the lyrics Jongup had written, trying to come up with something positive to say about them. 

He was coming up blank.

They were a rambling mess full of bizarre imagery and comparisons that were either exhausted cliches or else barely made sense _._ It seemed that even Jongup didn't quite understand it, as the page was littered with several question marks; apparently he had copied the lyrics from the page he'd originally written them on, though Himchan couldn't find it in the notebook.

The thing was, Jongup could write. He'd collaborated with one of his old school friends to write the song he'd performed for his solo stage, and it was catchy as hell and just... _good_. This....wasn't.

"Hyung!" Jongup's reproachful voice came from the door. He reentered the room holding a glass of juice and a steaming mug. "You weren't supposed to look yet--" He came over and set the mug on the floor next to the bed. 

"I didn't really see anything," Himchan lied, letting the smaller man pull him up into a sitting position, against his pillows and the wall. He accepted the glass of juice but couldn't meet Jongup's eyes.

"Drink it," Jongup ordered, crawling over him to sit beside him on the bed. 

"Ordering your hyung, you little--" Himchan shook his head as another coughing fit swallowed the rest of his sentence. Jongup poked him on the shoulder. 

"Drink it," he repeated, handsome face stern. Himchan drank the juice. Jongup nodded his approval. "Maybe we should take you to the doctor," he said, almost to himself. 

"I don't need a doctor," Himchan said irritably. The juice had quenched his thirst but burned his throat going down. He eyed the mug of tea and decided it was too much effort to hold it before it cooled down enough to drink. He hoped there was honey in it. 

"You're the only one who's still really sick, though," Jongup argued. 

"I was the last one to _get_ sick," Himchan reminded him. Jongup subsided. His attention returned to his notebook and he rifled through the pages until he returned to the horrible lyrics Himchan had read. 

"Are you sure you didn't read it?" he asked suspiciously. A recent promise to always tell the truth came back to Himchan, dimly, and he dismissed it. Surely such vows didn't apply to _everything._

"Of course I didn't."

"Well, good, because...I wrote this for you, hyung," Jongup said seriously. Himchan struggled to smile as his heart plummeted straight to the mattress beneath him. Still, there was only one thing he could say. 

"That's amazing, Jonguppie. How does it go?"

"I'll sing for you," Jongup said shyly. Himchan tensed. Jongup cleared his throat and began. The tune was...familiar. Well of course it was; how many times had he made Himchan watch _Frozen_ with him? They could all sing _Let it go_ by heart now. 

The lyrics didn't fit the tune at all, didn't even fit the rhythm. Jongup kept either stretching words absurdly long or compressing them to get them to fit in the notes. 

It was the most ridiculous thing Himchan had ever heard. 

He covered his mouth with his fist, trying not to laugh. The effort brought tears to his eyes. When Jongup finished, holding the last note as long as he could, his voice breaking in the middle, he held out his hands in a _ta-dah!_ way.

Himchan broke. He tried to muffle his laughter in his blankets, but it spilled out, too loud to be anything else. Jongup grinned at him.

"That was...that was..." Himchan shook his head.

"That one's the worst," Jongup said matter-of-factly. "They're all pretty bad still but that one makes me laugh the most. I wrote it while I was on a lot of cold medicine and my notes are _very emphatic_ about what tune it should go with."

"Oh thank God," Himchan said, still giggling. Jongup gave him an innocent look. 

"Were you afraid I thought that was good?" he said. 

"I was just _afraid,_ period."

"Yeah, well." Jongup shuffled his notebook closed. "When I write a song about you for real, it's gonna be good." He didn't look at Himchan as he said this. His cheeks pinked slightly, making him look healthier than he had in days. Himchan smiled as his heart suddenly felt too full for his chest. 

"Is someone dying in here?" Daehyun interrupted, leaning in the doorway. His hair was too long and a matted mess and he was still in his pajamas, but he looked livelier than Himchan had seen him in a week.

"I was serenading Himchan hyung," Jongup told him. 

"He doesn't look strong enough for that, Jonguppie," Daehyun told him reproachfully. He slumped into the room and crawled into bed with the two of them, stretching out across their laps, and blinked up at Himchan. 

"Hi," he said. 

"You need a shower," Himchan informed him, combing his fingers through his hair to try to straighten it out. His dongsaeng just nodded.

"Yongguk hyung's in there," he said. This was good news; he really must be feeling better, Himchan thought. 

"Good," he murmured, leaning back again. His head was starting to hurt again. He just wanted to rest his eyes a bit longer. "Sing something else, Jonguppie," he murmured. He felt his boyfriend's fingers trail across his forehead, brushing his hair away. 

"Go back to sleep, hyung."

"Mm." He knew good advice when he heard it. 

**

It was a diminished crew that gathered in the common room to leave for the studio for the first time post-tour. Yongguk surveyed the members grimly. They all needed haircuts. Youngjae's cheeks had lost some of their characteristic roundness. Daehyun's eyebags had become eye-luggage. Jongup was too pale and still didn't seem entirely steady on his feet. At least Himchan was still in bed.

"Are we ready to go?"

Or not.

Yongguk glared as his friend came out of the bedroom, dressed and looking like death. 

"Where do you think you're going?" he demanded.

"The studio," Himchan said like it was obvious. 

"You still look like hell," Jongup spoke up. Himchan arched an eyebrow at the way his boyfriend was leaning on the wall for support.

"Look who's talking. Anyway I can watch at least."

"You should be in bed," Jongup argued. It was strange, Yongguk thought, watching him make Yongguk's arguments for him. He finally had an ally in the managing of Kim Himchan. The others looked back and forth between the couple like they were watching a tennis match.

"I'm fine," Himchan said dismissively. He listened to Jongup about as well as he ever did to Yongguk. They rolled their eyes at each other. "Let's go, I want to get out of the dorm of death," Himchan said, making his slightly wavering way towards the door. Jongup grabbed him as he passed and propped him up. 

Yongguk rolled his eyes and followed them out. This should go well.

**

Jongup kept looking at Himchan. He was leaning against the wall because he was being stubborn and wouldn't sit, but he looked drawn and exhausted. 

There was really no need for him to be there; it was more of an extended warm-up than actual practice, in deference to the group's pathetic condition. Jongup broke out of the formation and sidled over to him. 

"There's a chair _right there_."

"I'm fine."

"You look terrible."

"Better not let my boyfriend hear you say that."

Jongup snorted and elbowed Himchan, who elbowed him back. "Seriously, I'm okay, just a little, you know..."

"Disease-riddled?"

"Exactly, thanks for that." Himchan shifted a bit, looking pained. "You're staring."

"I'm trying to figure out what you're doing here," Jongup said. Himchan met his eyes very briefly before he went back to watching Junhong, who was trying to explain some move to one of the dancer hyungs. 

"I don't like being left behind," Himchan said in a voice almost too quiet to hear. "It reminds me of..."

Oh. Jongup understood suddenly. Affection coursed through him, warm and bright. Himchan must be thinking of when he'd been injured and couldn't do _One Shot_ promotions and shows with the rest of them. 

It had been awful. Jongup hadn't expected to hate it as much as he did. It had thrown off his whole _orbit_ somehow, Himchan being gone. He'd grown so used to his presence, at once both steadying and ridiculous. They would return home to him at the dorm at the end of the day and Jongup had found himself too shy to really even talk to him, leaving it up to Youngjae to answer his questions about the day's activities. Jongup had listened from the hall feeling wretched and guilty and...something else he hadn't known at the time. He thought he understood it better now. 

Still, Himchan looked like he was about to collapse, and Jongup couldn't have that. 

He took him by his shoulders, ignoring the startled look he gave him, and moved him the three steps over to the chair, which he pushed him down into. Then he sat on him. 

After years around the touchy, affectionate group, the dancer hyungs didn't bat an eye. No one even gave them a second glance, save maybe Yongguk, who had been keeping an eye on Himchan all day, as he kept an eye on everyone. 

"What are you doing?" Himchan huffed, moving around under Jongup. If he meant to push him off he didn't have the strength to mount a noticeable effort.

"I'm tired, need to sit," Jongup said, leaning back against him. He liked feeling Himchan's heartbeat, liked reminding him he was _there_. He tried to think of something to say to make it better. Himchan always knew what to say; Jongup should be able to do the same for him.

He watched the others for a minute as Himchan gave up and wrapped an arm loosely around Jongup's middle. Junhong was leading the session now, correcting movements here and there, keeping things light for his weakened hyungs. He was good at this. He used to stammer through the slightest instruction, apologizing every other sentence. Now he calmly corrected Yongguk's position and nodded in satisfaction as the rapper got it right, then moved on to Daehyun.

"You know when you were gone," Jongup said quietly. "it never felt right. I really missed you."

Himchan nudged him. "You barely talked to me," he chided, chuckling. 

Jongup winced. Of course Himchan had noticed. He'd probably been hurt but hadn't shown it. 

"I didn't know what to say," he said. "I felt really guilty, leaving you like that." He turned his head so he could half make out Himchan's face. 

"There was nothing to feel guilty about," Himchan said. "It wasn't anyone's fault. Unless it was mine for being clumsy." He grinned briefly. He looked so tired; he really should be in bed.

"If you go home and sleep now, I'll hang out with you all night," Jongup proposed. "I'll tell you every single thing you missed. _Junhong showed us a move no one else could do because we were all too tired. Daehyun started whining. Youngjae went to get us all water and fell asleep in the hallway."_

Himchan snorted. "Sleep," he mused. Jongup nodded. 

"Sleep. Or I'll sing you another one of my fever songs."

He felt Himchan laugh under him. "Okay," he said. "I surrender. I'll go back to bed." He let him pull him up.

Jongup caught Yongguk's approving nod in the mirror.

**

Back in the dorm that night, Yongguk sighed as he put his cell phone back in his pocket. He was in the common room with Youngjae, who was curled up on the end of the couch with his hood pulled over his hair, the cord tied in a bow under his chin. He was texting someone and pouting, and he looked very young and still not very well.

"What was that about, hyung?" he said without looking up. Yongguk patted his knee absently. 

"Hang on, I'll get the others," he said, rising. Daehyun and Junhong were in their room, Junhong doing crunches in the middle of the floor. Daehyun was glaring balefully at this show of robust health from his spot in bed. 

"Come to the common room for a minute," Yongguk requested. Junhong stood up in one fluid motion and motioned to Daehyun. 

"Sure hyung," he said promptly. Yongguk crossed the hall to his own room, which was occupied by a lump of blankets that he hoped was Himchan, and Jongup, seated at the end of his bed with his iPad.

Jongup had always taken care of Himchan when he was ill, mostly at Himchan's insistence, so it was no surprise to see it continue now. That didn't mean there was no difference, though. Yongguk was pleased to see that Jongup would no longer be cowed by threats or convinced by pleading. He didn't think anyone else could have made Himchan go back to bed that day when he was acting so stubborn. Yongguk thought this was a good development. Himchan needed someone who wouldn't back down. 

Jongup looked up when he came up. 

"Is he sleeping?" Yongguk whispered. Jongup leaned over the pile of blankets for a minute and when he turned back he was smiling slightly. He nodded.

"Finally."

Yongguk motioned to him and Jongup crawled from the bed, careful not to jostle Himchan. 

Out in the common room, the four members looked to Yongguk expectantly. 

"Kang called," he said without preamble. "They added an interview to our schedules for tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Daehyun repeated. He patted at his cheeks. "Do they know Himchan-hyung's still half dead? And we all look like shit?"

"They know," Yongguk said shortly. "The makeup noonas will have their work cut out for them. They want us to start ramping up for our next comeback, so this is the first promotion."

The dongsaengs all looked various levels of unhappy, but no one else bothered protesting. Once an appearance was on the schedule, it was a done deal. 

"But so _get some sleep,_ all of you," Yongguk continued. "It won't be a long interview, at least."

They all nodded and began to drift back to their rooms until only Yongguk and Jongup remained. Jongup was frowning. 

"Jonguppie?"

"Himchan-hyung shouldn't go," Jongup said. "He's too sick."

Yongguk sighed. He had made the same point to their manager on the phone. Kang had said that of course Himchan didn't _have_ to be there, though it was preferred for all six of them to appear together. Yongguk had prepared himself for a fight with Himchan over the subject. Himchan would hate the idea of staying behind. 

"He won't agree with you," he told Jongup gently.

"He's just stubborn. He hates doing appearances when he's sick, they make him self-conscious."

He was glad Jongup had noticed. It always surprised him when Himchan's over-the-top self-confidence fooled people; he thought his best friend had more self doubt than even he knew. It was good that his boyfriend saw through the bluster. 

"If you can talk him out of going, do it," he said finally. Jongup nodded his thanks.

"He's sleeping now, I'll talk to him in the morning," he said, standing. "Thanks hyung."

"Get some sleep, Jonguppie," Yongguk said, and he nodded, slouching back to his bedroom with hands in his pockets. Yongguk hoisted his backpack from where he'd dumped it. Time to take his own advice for once. 

**

Jongup stood in Himchan's doorway, watching him. He was supposed to wake him up, try to talk him out of going to the interview with the rest of him. But he was sleeping so peacefully. His cheeks were still a bit flushed, and when Jongup brushed a finger across one, he felt the too-high heat that still resided there.

_He should be in the hospital_ , Jongup thought crossly, _not being grilled about his diet or whatever._  

He had no doubt Yongguk had been right, though; Himchan would insist on coming anyway. 

As he hesitated, Himchan shifted and opened his eyes blearily. 

"Guppie?" he said hoarsely. Jongup perched on the edge of the bed.

"I didn't mean to wake you up. How are you feeling?"

"S'okay," Himchan mumbled absently. "I'm...you know. Sleepy." He rolled over so he was wrapped around Jongup, or at least as much as he could be. 

"Go back to sleep, then," Jongup said, coming to a decision. "Do you need anything? I'm going out for a bit."

"Mm mm," Himchan managed, shaking his head slightly already half-asleep again. Jongup leaned in and kissed his forehead once, twice.

"See you later," he whispered.

Out in the common room, he shrugged at the others. "He's gonna stay and sleep, he's still pretty out of it," he said. Yongguk looked pleased.

"I'll tell Kang," was all he said.

**

Himchan was in the common room when the five of them returned. He was freshly showered and looked more alert than Jongup had seen him in a week. He brightened at first, but then his eyes narrowed as he took in the other members' still-made-up faces.

"Where've you been?" he said. Daehyun ignored his frown and felt his forehead. 

"We were at the interview thing," he said. Behind him, Jongup winced. Himchan stiffened. 

"What interview thing?" he demanded. Daehyun looked back at Yongguk in confusion. Yongguk looked at Jongup. 

"Just a short one about the comeback. You were too sick," he said, shifting a bit nervously, but forcing himself to meet Himchan's eyes. His boyfriend's gaze sharpened, his lips thinning. 

"You didn't tell me," he said. 

"You could barely even wake up."

"So you just--went without me. After we _just talked_ about--you _know_ I hate that!" Himchan said, louder. The other members sensed the storm coming and scattered, mumbling excuses. Only Yongguk remained. 

"You were too sick," Jongup repeated. 

"I think I could manage an _interview_ ," Himchan said scathingly. "And in any case, it should have been _my_ decision to make."

Jongup was very aware of Yongguk behind him, and of the lie he'd let him believe earlier. But damn it, he was still right. 

"You would've made the wrong one," he said. Himchan's eyes widened. Okay, that was probably the wrong thing to say. Yongguk stepped forward, looking between them. 

"Bbang," Himchan said, his voice low and controlled. "Can we have a minute."

"Of course," Yongguk said after a second. He paused a beat before leaving. "It was just a short interview, Himchan-ah," he said. Himchan gave his words the tiniest nod of acknowledgement but his eyes never left Jongup's face. 

Jongup's mouth was dry. Himchan almost never got really angry at him. 

Once they were alone, Himchan relaxed on the couch. His expression was unreadable. 

"We just talked about this," he said again, and now he sounded disappointed. "Did you think I was joking? I don't like being left out of things. And for something as stupid as--"

"It's not _stupid_ ," Jongup interrupted, sitting next to him. "Stop acting like you have a cold; you've been sick all week. You just would've been miserable. It wasn't like it was a performance, you didn't _have_ to be there."

"Right," Himchan said bitterly. "You're all fine without me there; believe me I remember."

"What are you talking about?" Jongup asked warily, though he thought he knew where this was going.

"I watched all the performances you did without me when I was injured, I know I'm not--necessary. Thanks for reminding me." Himchan had a blanket around his shoulders and he tightened it now. Jongup stared at him, stunned. He  wanted to throttle him. 

" _That'_ s what you think?" He nudged Himchan, who wasn't looking at him anymore. Jongup hesitated, then swung his leg over his lap so he was straddling him. His boyfriend looked up at him, startled. "Hey," Jongup said, nudging his shoulder. "I'm not fighting with you about this. First of all, you're wrong about those performances. All the ones we had to do without you? They were _awkward_ , hyung. And not ever as fun. I couldn't wait for those promotions to be over.

"Second of all, you've been sick. You should get to rest until you're actually better. I thought that's how it was supposed to work now, we aren't supposed to do that shit anymore." 

Himchan sighed, his hands coming up to frame Jongup's hips. They both knew that by "that shit" Jongup meant performing and appearing while they were ill or injured. 

"You should've let me decide for myself," he said, his voice chiding but no longer furious. 

"If I was the one who was still sick, you wouldn't have let me go," Jongup pointed out. Himchan frowned. 

"That's not the same. I'm your hyung; I'm supposed to take care of you." 

"Yeah? Well I love you, so _I_ get to take care of _you_ ," Jongup shot back. "That's how it works."

"Oh, is it?" Himchan rested his head on the back of the couch, studying him. Jongup nodded.

"So stop being mad," he said, resting his forehead on Himchan's. 

"Hmph."

"And stop remembering _One Shot_ so wrong. It was the worst. Okay?" He punctuated the question with a poke to Himchan's shoulder. "Okay?" he repeated, and Himchan grimaced and batted his hand away.

" _Ow,_ okay," he said. "Bully." But he wrapped his hand around Jongup's and held it there. Jongup smiled. 

"You look a little better. Are you hungry?"

"No more soup," Himchan whined. "I'll float away if I have any more."

"I think I told you I can make kimchi pancakes now."

Himchan brightened a little. "Really? You're going to cook for me? Is this just a guilt thing?"

"I don't feel guilty," Jongup said, kissing him and climbing carefully off. "Do we have rice flour?"

"Cabinet next to the microwave," Himchan said.

"Good. Stay here, I'll be back."

He entered the small kitchen and set to work collecting ingredients. Piece of cake. 

A short while later, he stared at the pan in dismay and prodded at the mess inside. His clattering had attracted attention and Youngjae appeared at his shoulder.

"Is it supposed to look like that?" he said. Jongup glared at the pancake. 

"It's not supposed to be welded to the pan, no," he said, trying to get the spatula under it. 

Daehyun appeared on his other side. "Oh, that's a disaster!" he said delightedly. Jongup frowned at him.

"Go watch Himchan," he reproached. 

"I don't need a baby-sitter." And great, now Himchan was in the kitchen too. Jongup stood in front of the stove, trying to block the mess from view. 

"Go lay down," he said, waving the spatula at the three of them in as threatening a manner as he could manage. Himchan skirted around him easily, peered into the pan.

"Aw, Jonguppie, it's--not so bad," he said unconvincingly. 

"Go away, it's not ready yet," Jongup said, trying to push him away without actually pushing him. Daehyun and Youngjae leaned against the fridge, appearing to find all this highly entertaining.

"Maybe I can help?" Himchan said. He was trying not to laugh. Ugh, he was just the worst.

"I'm cooking _for you_ , it's not as impressive if you do it yourself."

"I'm very impressed," Himchan told him, putting his hands on Jongup's shoulders and looking deeply into his eyes. "I swear. I just don't want you to burn the kitchen down." He could hear the others snickering from across the room. _They_ were just the worst. 

He glanced over his shoulder at the pan. It was starting to smoke ominously. 

"Fine," he relented morosely, stepping back to allow Himchan to access the stove. Himchan pinched his cheek lightly and took the spatula from him. Jongup slipped an arm around him to steady him as he began to scrape at the mess in the pan. 

"Exactly how much glue did you use, Jongup-ah?" Daehyun asked, coming back over to watch the proceedings. Jongup punched his shoulder. 

"Daehyun-ah, get me some oil," Himchan instructed. He poured some into the bottom of the pan, finally managing to get his spatula under the edge of the blob. "The secret to making a good pancake is to get the pan really hot, and make sure you add enough oil, and then get _that_ really hot," he told Jongup. The oil seemed to be working its way under the pancake, and after a few fraught moments, Himchan had it loose, save for a layer that was burned onto the pan. He flipped the mass expertly and handed the spatula back to Jongup. 

"Gonna have to let that pan soak," he said.

"Right, a little water, _that'll_ take care of it," Youngjae chortled. Jongup made a face at him, trying to control his disappointment. He'd managed to make these at home.

"Youngjae-ah, get some plates," Himchan said. 

"Plates plural? Like we're gonna eat that?"

"You're right. One plate, for me."

" _You're_ gonna eat that? Like you're not sick enough already?"

"You don't have to," Jongup muttered before Himchan could answer. Himchan looked at him in surprise. 

"Of course I'm eating it," he said lightly. "You made it for me."

Jongup wasn't sure whether to be flattered or nervous. He managed to get the pancake out of the pan and onto the plate Youngjae brought over. He set the pan in the sink to soak and carried the plate out to the common room so Himchan could sit. He did his best to ignore Daehyun and Youngjae who gathered around to watch. 

Himchan gave them an arch look as he picked up the plate. "Don't you two have anything to do?" he asked. "Get a life."

"This is our life now," Youngjae said solemnly, and Daehyun nodded in fervent agreement.

"Everything has been leading up to this moment," he declared. "Hey, we should put this on V-app! The fans would love to see your reaction, hyung! Especially since you may be about to take your last breath..."

"You're both terrible and no one likes you," Himchan informed them coolly. Without further ado, he ripped off a piece of the pancake and ate it. Jongup held his breath. Himchan chewed slowly, then swallowed. 

Youngjae sat next to him and checked his pulse. "How do you feel?" he asked. "Speak to me!"

Himchan swatted him away and smiled at Jongup. "It's ugly, but it tastes really good, Jonguppie," he said. Jongup grinned. 

"Really?"

Himchan took another bite. "Really," he said with his mouth full. Daehyun moved in and made as if to rip off a piece, but Himchan held the plate out of reach. "You don't get any, you had your chance," he said. "Jongup can have some, no one else." He kicked Youngjae off the couch and motioned for Jongup to take his place. Jongup did so, smirking at his roommate. He eyed the piece of pancake Himchan was offering him with some trepidation. But if Himchan could eat it, he definitely could. 

He bit into it cautiously. Daehyun and Youngjae were holding hands and covering their mouths, anxious and eager and oh-so-obnoxious. He smiled at them. 

"It _is_ good," he said pointedly, and they slumped in disappointment.

"Well _that's_ no fun," Youngjae said.

Himchan took another bite and chewed it with his mouth open for Youngjae's benefit. The vocalist made a face.

"Gross," he commented. Losing interest, he pulled Daehyun away, leaving Himchan and Jongup alone. Himchan leaned into Jongup, setting the plate on the coffee table. Jongup put his arm around him and kissed his forehead, checking for fever. To his relief, Himchan was cool to the touch.

"You feel better," he murmured. Himchan just grunted. 

"Tired," he admitted.

"Come on." Jongup took Himchan's hand, pulling him up and leading him down the hall. He hesitated in front of Himchan's room, then, hearing Daehyun and Youngjae talking in Daehyun's room, pulled Himchan along to his own. 

"Lie down," he instructed. Himchan just nodded wearily and stretched out on Jongup's mattress. Jongup shed his hoodie and stretched out behind him, spooning him. "Now go to sleep," he whispered. 

"What about Youngjae?"

"He won't care."

Jongup was guessing this was true, at least, and in any case he didn't want to let Himchan out of his sight again. 

"I can't believe you cooked for me," Himchan mumbled into his pillow. 

"Never speak of it again."

"It tasted fine."

"We'll have to throw that pan away."

"Don't you dare. That's the pan you used the first time you cooked for me; I'm _framing_ that pan."

"That...can't be sanitary."

Himchan chuckled a little and Jongup scooted a little closer. "Is there anything you need? Tea or something?"

"Nah. Just you being here is nice."

Jongup nuzzled the back of his neck lightly, smiling a bit. Before he could respond, Youngjae came in. He smirked when he saw them in Jongup's bed.

"Hey, new roomie," he said to Himchan, leaning over to pat his cheek. 

"Blergh," Himchan said. Youngjae's face turned serious. 

"Do you need anything, hyung?"

"Mm mm," Himchan mumbled. "Just sleep."

"Okay." Youngjae hit the light and Jongup heard him crawl into his own bed. Apparently he really _didn't_ mind Himchan being there. In that case, Jongup decided as he felt himself drifting off, Himchan was sleeping with him every night.

**

Himchan woke up to the sensation that he had made a _huge_ mistake in eating kimchi and then falling asleep without brushing his teeth.

Jongup's arm was still wrapped around his middle and at some point he'd slung a leg over his hip, effectively pinning him in place. His breath was hot on the back of Himchan's neck; really he was too warm all over. But for the first time in a week it felt like the normal heat of too many blankets plus body heat, rather than the internal heat of a fever. His head had stopped pounding, too, and he enjoyed the forgotten sensation of painlessness. 

Youngjae's bed was empty, the sheets and blankets in disarray. Himchan tried to wriggle out from under Jongup's arm without disturbing him, but that just left his chest hanging over the edge of the bed while his legs were still captured by strong legs. 

"This is a conundrum for you, huh," Jongup said sleepily from behind him, tightening his grip on Himchan's legs. Himchan laughed a little, still trying to pull free.

"Go back to sleep, Jonguppie," he said. He had to prop himself up with one hand on the floor. He could feel Jongup laughing. 

"Get back here," he said, and with some complicated movement he had an arm around Himchan's torso and was hauling him back into bed. Himchan couldn't help giggling as Jongup wrapped himself around him completely. 

It was also kind of...sexy. Huh. He must really have been feeling better; he hadn't had the energy to get turned on in a week and a half. 

It just made the whole teeth-brushing thing even more dire. 

"Let me go," he whined. 

"Huh uh." Jongup's grip tightened. "I like you right where you are."

Himchan's body liked it right where he was, too. If he didn't move soon, there was going to be a _situation_.

"Jongup-ah," he said in his hyung-iest voice. "I just have to--"

"Stay here," Jongup said, burying his face in the crook of his neck. "Come on, it's early still--"

"How early could it be? Youngjae's already up," Himchan said. Jongup lifted his head to see over Himchan's shoulder. Himchan caught a glimpse of sleep-tousled hair, half-lidded eyes. Jongup was beautiful in the mornings. 

"Oh," he said, something new in his voice. He rolled Himchan onto his back, careful to keep him caged between his legs. Himchan covered his mouth with his hand. "How are you feeling?" Jongup asked, looking him over. "What are you doing?" He poked at Himchan's hand.

"I have to brush my teeth," Himchan said, his words muffled but distinguishable. 

"So do I. Big deal. I don't want you to go yet," Jongup said. "And you didn't answer me, how are you feeling?"

"Better, actually," Himchan said, and watched the way his words cleared Jongup's expression of worry. Fuck, they needed to keep mouthwash next to their beds so they could make out right away. Stupid biology, stupid morning breath, stupid kimchi.

"So you should _really_ stay," Jongup said, leaning in to kiss Himchan's shoulder. Fuck. He struggled against him. 

"Just let me brush my teeth, seriously," he said. "I'll come right back."

Jongup sighed and leaned back. "Fine." He unwrapped his leg from Himchan's lower half. "I'll go too."

Himchan rolled out of bed and stood swaying a little on the spot, testing out his body. He felt weak, but his skin had stopped aching and the rocks that had been grinding between his joints for days seemed to have disappeared and he could move without pain. He and Jongup padded down the hall, elbowing each other, and waved greetings to Junhong, who was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. 

They brushed their teeth side by side and Jongup smirked at him in the mirror. He'd clearly woken up in a _mood_ this morning. Himchan didn't understand how he could still look so good with a gob of toothpaste dribbling down his chin. He ducked out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in hand, and asked Junhong about the others. 

"Dunno," he replied sleepily. "Daehyun-hyung said something about breakfast, I think? Yongguk-hyung was going to the studio, I dunno what happened to Youngjae-hyung, I wasn't really...listening." He gave Himchan a sheepish look. No need. Himchan only listened to Daehyun and Youngjae when it was absolutely necessary. It was good that Junhong had learned this lesson early. He patted him on the head approvingly and earned an adorable scrunch-faced expression in response. 

"Are you going to the studio today?" Jongup asked, coming out of the bathroom behind Himchan, putting a discrete hand on the small of his back. Himchan couldn't quite look at him yet; he didn't trust his body to behave itself and he didn't want to traumatize the maknae. 

"Yeah, we're supposed to start the new choreo, remember?" Junhong said. Jongup hissed in his breath.

"I forgot," he muttered. Junhong gave him an apologetic half-shrug and turned his attention to Himchan. 

"You look better today, hyung," he said. Himchan nodded and went to the kitchen sink to spit out his mouthful of toothpaste, noting the burned pan from the night before. "It was the magic of Jongup's kimchi pancake that did it," he said, turning around. Jongup rolled his eyes, smiling, and Junhong gave him a suspicious look as though this might be a euphamism for something he didn't want to hear about. "Seriously, your hyung can cook," Himchan told him proudly. Junhong's expression cleared. 

"Oh, is _that_ what that was in the common room? I didn't want to get close to it, I thought you puk--" 

Jongup slapped the back of his head lightly and Junhong ducked, giggling. "No, I mean it looked great, hyung," he said sweetly. "Coffee?"

"What time are you supposed to leave?" Himchan asked. He suspected his plans with Jongup were about to be thwarted. This was confirmed when Junhong glanced at his watch and said, "Car's coming in like fifteen minutes? I was just about to see if you were up."

"I _was_ up," Jongup said grumpily. Catching the double meaning, Himchan snickered behind his hand. 

"You'd better get dressed," he told him, passing him to return his toothbrush to the cup beside the sink. 

Jongup was dressed in record time and had Himchan pressed against his closet door two minutes later. 

"This is all your fault," he said in a low voice. "You and your dental hygeine."

"You'd prefer Junhongie walking in on us?" Himchan asked, amused. He couldn't help enjoying a frustrated Jongup, especially as he had more than a few ways of relieving his tension later on. 

Jongup just kissed him. He tasted of mint and his lips were cool from the water he'd been drinking. Himchan cupped his jaw in one hand and pulled him against him with the other. It had been a while. 

"Hyung, we gotta go!" Junhong called from somewhere deep in the apartment. Jongup ignored him, but Himchan pulled away, earning a disgruntled sound from the younger. 

"Go on," Himchan said. "Dance off all your aggression. Well, no, actually, save me some." He grinned and Jongup groaned and kissed him again hungrily for a few seconds before taking a step back. His lips were slightly swollen. 

"I'll see you later," he said, and it was most definitely a promise. 

"Hyung!" Junhong called again. 

"Later," Himchan agreed. At least he had something nice to look at when Jongup turned and walked away.


	9. Chapter 9

Week Twenty

 

_Sorry still stuck here for another hour :(_

Himchan scowled at the text message and tucked his phone away, fighting off disappointment. This was the third time this had happened that week. Jongup was always in the studio; it had been days since he and Himchan had been able to see each other outside of it.

Himchan understood, of course. Things were ramping up for their next comeback, which meant daily vocal and dance practices for all members, not to mention extra gym time. On top of it all, Jongup and Junhong were doing the choreography again, which meant the two of them were spending every spare second together in the dance studio.

Himchan was trying very hard not to be needy. They'd all been through this before. 

But he and Jongup hadn't been together before, and damn it he missed his boyfriend. 

It also had not escaped his notice that he had considerably less to do than the others. Sure, he had vocal coaching and daily workouts. But he wasn't needed in the studio every second the way the maknaes were, or Yongguk. Even Daehyun had been putting in extra hours of vocal practice, much of it with Jongup. Only Himchan and Youngjae still had something approaching a normal schedule, the elder because he didn't have all that much to do, the younger because he had the annoying ability to belt out his lines perfectly with little practice.

They were alone in the dorm now, watching one of the _Transformers_ movies. Himchan couldn't remember how this had happened. At some point they got so bored they made scorecards to rate the explosions. 

"Yah, are you paying attention?" Youngjae said, drawing his attention away from his phone. He glanced up to see the aftershock of an explosion on the TV and rifled through his scorecards perfunctorily.

"A _10_? Are you insane?"

He peered behind him to see Youngjae had only rated it a 6.

"I was giving it the benefit of the doubt, I didn't really see it," he defended himself. Youngjae's gaze softened and his eyes flickered to Himchan's phone.

"They're staying late?" he guessed. 

"As usual," Himchan griped, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling at the TV. 

"You know it won't last forever," Youngjae consoled him, patting him on the head. Himchan was stretched out on the floor, leaning on the couch, as Youngjae was taking up the entire piece of furniture and it was one of those days when it would have been more trouble than it was worth to get him to move.

"Yeah, yeah."

"At least you two are getting along," Youngjae continued. "We couldn't have our lovebirds fighting in the middle of a comeback."

Himchan opened his mouth to respond, then didn't. He had a bad idea.

**

"The second half still looks stupid," Junhong complained, leaning against the cold metal wall of the elevator as it lifted them to their dorm's floor.

"It does not," Jongup protested automatically. Junhong made an incredulous noise. "Okay fine, maybe it looks a little stupid," Jongup relented. The elevator released them on their floor with a ding, and he had to stop his friend pushing the down button again. "We'll fix it _tomorrow_ ," he said, nudging Junhong into the hallway. If the maknae had his way, Jongup knew, they'd be spending all night in the studio next to Yongguk hyung.

It felt like they were living there as it was. When they weren't in the recording studio, gym or vocal practice rooms, he and Junhong had been working on the choreography for their comeback stage. The hours had been long, and ultimately what they had accomplished was a dance that was half-decent, half-stupid. Jongup didn't blame Junhong for wanting to go back and fix it; they only had a few weeks left before the first performance. Normally a deadline helped, narrowed his focus, lent him a tense kind of adrenaline. But tonight he'd found himself going cross-eyed with fatigue. Every move they tried felt stale and tedious and expected. They needed rest.

And he needed Himchan.

All week they had been trying to find time for each other, and all week Jongup had had to cancel their plans. Just a quick coffee date here, a casual dinner there, but he knew it added up. Himchan had been remarkably patient about it all. Jongup vowed to make it up to him the first chance he got.

They slouched down the hall to home. Jongup checked his watch. It was only 11:30, but with a 6 am wake up call the next day, that felt plenty late. He  needed to shower and go over the lyrics for the love song they were recording in the morning. 

He needed five minutes with his boyfriend. His exhaustion was making him feel dull and fuzzy, and nothing sharpened him better than Himchan.

Speaking of whom. He and Youngjae were in the common room when the dancers came in. Jongup could barely hide his grin. His friends had clearly been there a while. Himchan was stretched out on the floor and Youngjae had piled all the snapbacks that were usually scattered on the back of the couch on his head. Himchan had apparently retaliated by piling everything he could reach on the younger man, so Youngjae was covered in a mess of shoes, remote controls, take-out containers and jackets. Pieces of paper with numbers on them lay strewn around them.

"Wow," Junhong said upon seeing this. Youngjae waved, dislodging one of Jongup's shoes, which fell and land to rest on Himchan's shoulder.

"You're not the only ones who've been busy," the vocalist said primly. Jongup was about to laugh, but Himchan's face gave him pause. He looked...well, pissed. He was staring fixedly at the TV. Before Jongup could say anything, Daehyun came in, rubbing a towel over wet hair. 

"Shower's free!" he said cheerfully. "Especially if, ah, you weren't looking for hot water..."

Junhong tickled him and he ducked away laughing. Jongup toed off his shoes and kicked Himchan's foot lightly until he looked up at him for the first time. He was frowning.

"Hey," Jongup said. "Did you get my text?"

"Yup." Himchan turned his attention back to the TV. The temperature in the room dropped ten degrees. Daehyun and Junhong stopped wrestling. Youngjae shifted uncomfortably, though that might have been due to a badly-placed DVD boxed set.

Jongup's heart sank. Himchan had been so patient, but obviously Jongup had pushed him too far. But what exactly was he supposed to do?

"This is the third night in a row," Himchan went on coolly. Jongup grimaced. 

"I know, I'm sorry, we're still working on the second half," he said. Himchan rolled his eyes. Daehyun raised his hand.

"Can you guys do this somewhere else?" he said. "Please?"

Jongup expected Himchan to put up a fight, but he just sat up,  shrugged his hat pile back onto Youngjae and stood up. 

"Sorry," he said shortly, motioning to Jongup. The dancer gave his friends an apologetic grimace and followed his boyfriend to his room, shutting the door behind him. 

Himchan flicked on the lamp and turned back to him. Jongup was ready to apologize again, but then his boyfriend smiled and brushed the hair off his forehead. 

"Another long day," he said sympathetically. "I hope you ate something?"

"I--yes? A few hours ago," Jongup stuttered. He was even more confused when Himchan drew him close and kissed his neck languidly. "Um--sorry?" Jongup said, although he was beginning to suspect his apology wasn't needed. Himchan pulled back and winked at him, then said in a voice pitched just a bit too loud, "Aish, you're _always_ at the studio these days!"

Jongup blinked. Himchan was pushing his sweatshirt off his shoulders. Jongup had the feeling his boyfriend was somehow reading from two completely different scripts. 

"What are you--are you angry right now?" he asked. Himchan smiled and walked him over to the wall. 

"Of course not," he said quietly, His hands went to the drawstring of Jongup's sweats. "I just miss you. And fighting's the best way I know of to make sure no one else bursts in here at an--ah--inopportune moment."

Jongup blushed as he got it. He pulled Himchan against him. 

"I have _work_ to do," he said loudly, beginning to grin. "These dances aren't going to--ah!--choreograph themselves, you know."

Himchan stifled his laughter in Jongup's shoulder for a minute before lifting his head to kiss him with building intensity. All thoughts of aching limbs and uncooperative dances left Jongup's mind. He tasted a hint of soju on Himchan's tongue before he pulled away to yank his shirt over his head. 

"I need a shower," he murmured.

"You'll need one more by the time I'm done with you," Himchan smirked. He palmed Jongup through his sweats and Jongup's eyes fluttered closed, his hips jerking involuntarily into Himchan's hand. Not that he was complaining. 

He let Himchan guide him backwards to his bed. He sat on the edge of the mattress and fumbled with the fly on Himchan's jeans while the older man bent to kiss him from above. He pushed Himchan's jeans down insistently and Himchan stepped back for a second to shed them.

"Don't even get me _started_ on the vocal practice," he said loudly, and Jongup had to cover his mouth as hysterical laughter threatened to escape. He tugged at Himchan's shirt until Himchan took the hint and pulled it off, standing before him in nothing but a pair of grey boxers. Jongup pulled him back to him and kissed his navel gently. Himchan inhaled slightly, sucking in his stomach, and Jongup frowned up at him. He hated it when Himchan got insecure when they were together like this. Jongup was supposed to take those feelings away, not inspire them. 

He ran his hands insistently down Himchan's hips, bringing his boxers down with them. Himchan's hands came to rest on his shoulders, his thumb tracing the pulse in Jongup's neck. 

"And another thing--" he began. Jongup stifled another laugh. With Himchan's dick. Himchan lost his train of thought and one of his hands gripped Jongup's hair. Jongup could feel him trying to hold himself still; his hips were shaking under his hands. Himchan had the softest skin Jongup had ever touched. He pulled off after a minute and smirked up at his boyfriend. 

"You were saying?" he said. Himchan glowered at him. 

"You never like my Instagram posts," he complained, not especially loudly. Jongup arched an eyebrow. 

"Was that for their benefit, or are we actually fighting now?"

"You never like my Instagram posts!" Himchan shouted, and immediately covered his face to hide his laughter. Jongup kissed the inside of his thighs a few times between giggles. 

"I'll have to find other ways to show my appreciation," he said, taking Himchan in his mouth again.

"Can't you--do both?" Himchan gasped. His grip tightened on Jongup's hair and Jongup pulled off again, laughing a little. 

"Needy," he chided, pulling him down on him, cradling his face in both hands and kisssing him deeply. They'd never been so careless in the dorm before, never attempted more than some frustrated making out (and okay there was that one time in the shower), and certainly never while the others were _home_. 

But the more their friends grew accustomed to them and the busier they got, the less it seemed to matter. Even Youngjae and Daehyun hardly teased them anymore. At some point, Himchan and Jongup had just become a fixture in the group, an accepted fact, less worthy of note than, say, Junhong's height. 

This didn't mean they wanted the others to know what they were doing right now, of course. 

Himchan pulled away and pouted. "This isn't fair," he said, motioning to Jongup's sweats. 

"Life is unfair, hyung," Jongup said seriously. "DAMMIT." He pitched the curse loud and enjoyed Himchan's face as it turned from startled to entertained. 

"What kind of way is that to speak to your hyung?" he demanded, pushing Jongup's sweats down. Jongup raised his hips helpfully and grinned. 

"You just want it both ways," he accused, pulling Himchan back down once there was nothing between them. "One minute you're my hyung, the next you're--"

"Fucking you." Himchan kept this part quiet enough to stay between them. 

"I see no evidence of this," Jongup said. Himchan rolled his eyes--and his hips against Jongup's. The dancer was quickly losing the will to joke. Himchan's skin was so smooth against him and he had spots of color high on his cheeks. 

They were both swiftly coming undone. The feel of Himchan's arousal against his own made Jongup need to groan, worse still when Himchan took both of them in hand. 

"Fu--" Jongup gasped and Himchan kissed him, more to shut him up than anything else, his lips soft and his tongue hot in his mouth. By now they were half on the bed, Jongup's feet still pushing against the floor. That was good; he needed to be pushing against _something_. 

He touched Himchan everywhere he could reach, his hands skimming over sides, grabbing his ass (fuck, everyone always talked about Jongup's ass--conversations often initiated by Himchan, actually--and it seemed criminal to him how few people seemed to notice Himchan's. It was magnificent). He pulled Himchan in by the nape of the neck to deepen the kiss. 

They should be fake arguing some more, but his mind contained nothing but the other man--the slightly sweet taste of him, the trace of cologne lingering on his skin, the comforting weight of him. 

Himchan rose slightly and got a knee under him, using the leverage to pull Jongup all the way onto the bed. Their lips parted for a heartbeat and Jongup let out a whine before Himchan was kissing him again, smiling against his lips.  Jongup had been cataloguing Himchan's different smiles, their look and reason and the effect each had on him, and he was up to sixteen variations so far--but this one was his favorite.

He jerked his hips up to meet Himchan's more firmly and they both gasped at the contact. Himchan pulled back onto his elbows, hands pushing Jongup's hair off his forehead. His lips were wrecked, red and swollen, and his eyes had that half-lidded look they got when he was either half-asleep or turned on. 

"I'm supposed to be mad at you," he murmured. 

"I'm very inconsiderate," Jongup said helpfully. "I made you wait three nights in a row."

"Every day this _week_ ," Himchan agreed, pitching his voice loud again. "I don't think it's too much to ask that you at least call if you'll be late."

"I didn't think we should be that _obvious,"_ Jongup snapped, his voice strained as Himchan ground down against him with a wicked grin. 

"I should make _you_ wait for a change, see how you like it," Himchan mused, and to Jongup's horror his voice was quiet now. This was just for his ears. 

"What do you--"

Himchan pushed himself up and the delicious pressure on Jongup was suddenly gone as his boyfriend walked casually across the room and picked up his phone from the floor where he'd dropped it, giving Jongup a view of his perfect ass as he did so. 

"What are you doing?" Jongup said, pushing himself up on his elbows. 

"Mm?" Himchan turned back with his eyebrows raised innocently. "What's that?" 

Jongup glared at him. 

"Hyung," he said warningly, sitting up and stalking his boyfriend across the bedroom. Himchan gave him a sunny smile that abruptly turned dangerous as the older man took him by the shoulders and pressed him against the wall. They were so close but Himchan's hands were the only parts touching Jongup. He was fucking _aching_ with want, and Himchan knew it. 

Jongup had been cataloguing more than Himchan's smiles. He'd learned there were more than a few versions of his boyfriend in the bedroom. There was the sweetly pliant Himchan who would kiss him softly and ask what Jongup wanted, who would carry out each request with a touching solemnity.

There was laughing Himchan, who would crack himself up with his own dirty talk, who tickled Jongup and made jokes between kisses until they were both giggling helplessly. 

Serious Himchan was quiet. This version might take Jongup up against a wall or over a tabletop. His kisses were bruising and he left marks on Jongup's thighs. Thinking back on these nights the next day made Jongup flush.

Tonight, he'd thought he was getting Laughing Himchan, but he'd turned serious unexpectedly. Unless this was a different side to Himchan altogether. He didn't think he was done learning him yet.

"I don't like waiting," Himchan told him plainly. A smile played around his lips but his eyes were serious. 

"You want me to just leave choreography sessions in the middle? _Sorry, Himchan wants to fuck._ " (Serious Himchan liked it when Jongup swore. It was a whole thing.)

"I'd expect you to have a bit more imagination than that."

"You know I can't." Jongup tried to shift closer but Himchan kept him pinned by his shoulders. Jongup searched his eyes, willing him to understand. Himchan sighed. 

"I know," he said quietly. "But I don't have to like it."

"I can make it up to you," Jongup suggested. He snaked out his foot and wrapped his leg around Himchan's hips, pulling him flush against him. Himchan let out a small disgruntled noise and then he was kissing Jongup. He wrapped his arms around Jongup's back and pulled him back to the bed. He pushed him down none-too-gently and began rummaging through his bedside table until he pulled out lube and a condom. 

He straddled Jongup's hips and Jongup reached for him but Himchan pushed his hands against the mattress. 

"Wait for it," he said reprovingly. He glanced behind him at the door, as if only just remembering where they were. 

"Relax, no one's coming in here," Jongup said, wanting Himchan's attention back. It wasn't _necessarily_ true; they walked in on each other all the time, but he had a hunch their ruse wasn't actually fooling their friends. 

And in any case he'd had enough teasing. 

Himchan, evidently, had not. He leaned down and captured Jongup's lips in a kiss that was far too soft. He slipped a knee between Jongup's thighs, parting them, then pulled back. 

"Will you be too sore to--?" he began. Now Sweet Himchan was making an appearance. All the changes were making Jongup dizzy. 

"It's fine," he said tersely. "If you don't fuck me soon I swear we'll be fighting for real." 

Sweet Himchan disappeared to be replaced with the smirking version. He picked up the lube and smoothed it onto his fingers before leaning in to kiss him. One finger circled his entrance once, then penetrated him. Jongup arched into the touch, knowing the pain wouldn't last. Himchan rained kisses over his eyes, his lips, his cheeks, murmuring comforting nonsense. He added a second finger and began carefully scissoring him open. He had to use his other hand to cover his mouth as a groan escaped. Jongup nipped at his hand and Himchan pulled it back just enough to let him suck two of his fingers in, biting down gently, maintaining eye contact all the while. Himchan smiled.

"Hmm," he said, and added a third finger. 

Jongup grimaced and rolled his hips as the discomfort turned to pleasure. He bit down harder on Himchan's fingers and Himchan leaned in to kiss him around them for a minute before pulling his hand free and reaching for the condom. He pulled away and rolled it over his dick. Jongup watched the way his eyes fluttered when he smoothed lube over himself, and the dancer couldn't hold himself back anymore. He pulled him down, kissing him urgently.

Himchan pushed in slowly and Jongup bit down on his lip by accident. He wrapped his legs around Himchan's hips to pull him as close as possible, and for a moment they were still, just breathing each other in. Then Jongup gave a small nod and Himchan pulled out just as slowly before building up a rhythm that had them both gasping. 

Jongup's hands couldn't decide what to do; he held Himchan's face for a moment before moving down his back. Then Himchan's hands found them and linked their fingers together above Jongup's head. He angled his hips just so and Jongup arched his back, trying not to make a sound. 

Himchan was speeding up his thrusts, his handsome face sweating and focused. Seeing him like this always made Jongup want to tell him every dirty, loving thing he was thinking. 

It was almost impossible to be quiet. 

Himchan reached down to take Jongup in hand. He stuttered in his rhythm for a beat and Jongup almost growled in frustration he was so _close_ \--then Himchan found it again and there was no way Jongup was going to last much longer--

He didn't. Seconds after he erupted, Himchan gasped and let go too. He caught himself so he wouldn't collapse onto Jongup's chest, spreading the mess. He rolled away long enough to toss the tied-off condom, and then he was back at Jongup's side, kissing him deeply. 

Jongup was still having trouble catching his breath. He pulled back and pushed a sweaty strand of hair off Himchan's forehead.

"Next time we do that," he said, "we need to be able to be _loud_." Himchan laughed and kissed him again.

"I'll get something to clean up," he said, motioning to Jongup's stomach. The dancer just nodded sleepily. Himchan rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweats and a hoodie. He wiped the sweat off his face cursorily and propped some strategic pillows in place so Jongup couldn't be seen when he opened the door and slipped out. 

He stopped short when he entered the common room to find Daehyun, Junhong and Youngjae clustered in front of the TV. 

The four of them regarded each other silently, then Youngjae began to applaud solemnly while Daehyun and Junhong each raised a scorecard. 

"Seven?" Himchan said indignantly. "I mean--what are you doing?"

"Very subtle, hyung," Youngjae said, still clapping. "We had _no idea_ what was happening."

"It helps that we're all really stupid," Junhong put in. Someone had piled about six caps on his head and he was sitting on the floor with his legs stretched out in a V. He had two water bottles resting on his stomach and he was drinking out of both through neon straws.  He looked ridiculous and Himchan was _not_ going to be embarrassed in front of him, he was _not._

Daehyun, possessor of the 7 scorecard, smirked at him. "Don't use my washcloth," he said. 

"I don't know what any of you are talking about," Himchan said primly. "Jongup and I got into a little--argument--but now things are fine. I was just getting some water."

"Hydration's _so_ important after... _arguments,_ " Youngjae agreed with grin. "Take note, maknae."

Junhong nodded seriously and pretended to scribble something onto one of the scorecards.

Himchan rolled his eyes and continued on to the kitchen. At least Yongguk wasn't home for this.


	10. Chapter 10

Week Twenty-two

 

_"_ C'mon, hyung, three more," Junhong wheedled. Himchan glared up at him from under the bar he was somehow supposed to lift three more times. His arms felt like jelly, if jelly was also painful.

"It's not possible."

"Youngjae hyung did it earlier."

"I hate you."

" _I believe I can fly..._ "

"I _definitely_ can't do it if you make me laugh." He managed another press, keeping an eye on the maknae's hand hovering under the bar. "You'd better catch this when I drop it, we can't afford to lose my face."

"Just two more! I _know_ you can do it," Junhong said earnestly. He sounded so sure Himchan almost believed him. He lowered the bar slowly. His vision doubled for a second. 

"This isn't happening."

"Lift, hyung!"

"Seriously, Junhongie--"

"You've got this!"

Himchan rolled his eyes and began the agonized press of the bar back into the air. "I...regret...everything," he gasped. 

"If Jongup were here he'd be so impressed," Junhong said after a quick glance around to make sure he wouldn't be overheard. Himchan glowered at him. He didn't want to think about Jongup right now. Jongup actually _liked_ going to the gym, which at the moment struck Himchan as the deepest betrayal. 

Also, given their disparity of upper-body strength it was unlikely Jongup would be impressed.

Still, thinking about it gave him an irritated sort of power, and he somehow managed his final press without his heart exploding. Junhong helped his drop the bar back onto its moorings and then leaned on it, smiling down at him. 

"That was great, hyung," he said. 

Himchan snorted and squinted at the maknae. "Remind me why you're here and not in the studio? Did Yongguk finally kick you out?" he asked grumpily. He considered sitting up but had a feeling it would only increase his odds of passing out. 

He'd taken a break from the gym, having spent most of the previous week in the recording studio. It had been bliss to finally feel _useful._ Yongguk had so much to do behind the scenes as a producer that he couldn't always be there to lend support to each member as they recorded their parts. He'd asked Himchan to stay and keep an eye on everything as they completed four of the six new tracks. Himchan had been honored and relieved that his friend trusted him enough to ask. When he'd said as much, though, Yongguk merely tilted his head and stared at him for a long moment. 

It had been the first time Himchan had seen half of the members in ages; Yongguk had finally given in and let Junhong and Jongup sleep in the studio as they were spending so much time there anyway. Youngjae had had to stop Himchan from marching out there and dragging his boyfriend home to sleep in a real bed. It had been a surprise to run into the maknae in the gym today; Junhong had simply appeared, grinning, and offered to spot him. 

"Didn't Jongup tell you?" he asked now. "We finished the choreo! Finally."

Himchan sat up too fast at the news, ignoring the dark spots that swam in his vision for a minute. "Really? He didn't call me," he said, frowning, torn between irritation that he was at the gym instead of celebrating with Jongup, and pride in the dancers. 

Junhong hit his own forehead. "He said he forgot his charger, I forgot," he said. "But yeah, we finished this morning and Yongguk hyung signed off on it." He puffed out his chest a little in unconscious pride and Himchan had to stop himself pinching his cheek. He was adorable, but Himchan was trying to remember not to treat him like a kid in public, not wanting to make him self-conscious. The gym was full of dancer hyungs who would be following the maknae's lead, after all, and Himchan wouldn't undermine him in front of them. He stood up and clapped him on the shoulder instead.

"Congratulations," he said sincerely. "How scared should I be?" Moves that came easily to the dancers were often nigh-impossible for the others, and Himchan had had to explain to the maknae more than once that most people's bodies didn't actually _go_ that way. 

Junhong ducked his head a little, grinning. "Yongguk hyung only asked us to tone down a few parts," he said. Himchan tried not to show his relief too openly. 

"So you're, what? Celebrating at the gym?" he couldn't resist asking, narrowing his eyes at the younger. Junhong shrugged, smiling. 

"I have too much energy?"

"What else is new," Himchan said, shaking his head. 

_Too much energy_ was not a condition he was afflicted with. After a few more sets with Junhong, he headed for the locker room, having elicited a promise from the maknae not to stay too much longer.

Himchan showered quickly, wondering where Jongup was. Home sleeping, hopefully, although there was always a chance he was still lurking around the studios someplace. Himchan would have to ask around. 

He wrapped a towel around his waist and returned to his locker, grinning in greeting to several dancers he knew. He was just pulling a t-shirt over his head when someone poked him from behind. 

"HIMCHAN-HYUNG!" a familiar voice bellowed. Himchan gave an undignified squeak and shied away from the finger, pulling his head through the neck hole of his shirt and turning to confront the culprit. 

"Junho-ah!" he greeted the singer with a laugh and pulling him into a quick hug. They'd come up together, he and Yongguk and Junho. The latter had almost joined B.A.P, but a badly-timed illness had prevented him from being seriously considered, and Youngjae had been added as vocalist instead. Himchan liked Junho very much, but he'd always be grateful for the way things had gone.

"I haven't seen you in ages," he remarked as the younger man released him. He stepped back to look him over. The once-rounded face had turned angular and Junho's shoulders were as finely muscled as Jongup's. Himchan hit him lightly. "You're looking manly, eh?" he said, grinning. He ignored the slight pang he felt. Sometimes he thought everyone in the world just kept getting better and better looking, while he just got older and softer. 

His friend ducked his head bashfully, then glanced around the bustling locker room. "Truth is, I finally found a diet that works," he said. "You might like it, actually." 

"I'm open to suggestions," Himchan said with a short laugh. 

Junho unzipped the small outside pocket of his gym bag and pulled out an orange prescription bottle.  He twisted the cap off and shook two small pills into his palm. Himchan's heart sank. "Take one of these and you don't need to eat for hours," Junho said. "But you've still got plenty of energy, you know? You just like stop being hungry. It must be like how Yongguk-hyung feels all the time," he added, grinning, sliding the pills back into the bottle. 

Yongguk. Himchan didn't have to guess to know what his best friend would say about anyone in the group taking drugs. He'd be furious. 

Still...

"Where d'you get them?" he asked. Junho brightened at his interest.

"One of the dancer hyungs I train with. He's a good guy, he'd give you a  deal. Here, give me your phone."

Himchan complied a bit warily and watched the singer type something in. Then he turned around so Himchan could see the screen. "Here, his number's under J's friend, okay? I'll tell him to expect your call."

Himchan stuffed his phone into his jeans pocket. "Bbang would kill me," he muttered. 

"He doesn't have to know everything though, right?" Junho said, poking Himchan's side gently. His face had real understanding. Of course. In their trainee days, he and Himchan used to compose the most elaborate meals together--with words, because they weren't allowed to eat. Himchan had been the more successful dieter at the time, but that was a long time ago now. He studied his friend, looking for any signs of fatigue or jumpiness. 

"Are you sure they're safe?" he asked, his own troubles forgotten as he recalled the sweet kid his friend had been. If this dancer hyung was selling some crap to the trainees that seriously fucked with them, Himchan would have to put a stop to it. 

But Junho spread his arms wide, his familiar grin lighting up his face. He really had gotten handsome. "It's _fine_ ," he said with a laugh. "I still eat and all, it's just that I don't need to eat as _much_. I'm just...not hungry. It's amazing."

Himchan chewed on his lower lip. "Look, just--promise me if anything happens, if you're not feeling well or whatever, you'll _call_ me, yeah?" he said. Junho shook his head, smiling fondly. 

"Such a worrywart," he laughed. "They're _prescription pills,_ hyung. As in, you can get them from a doctor. My friend couldn't have gotten so many if they were dangerous. Look, here--" He opened the bottle again and spilled a half dozen pills into his palm, which he pressed into Himchan's hand. Himchan looked around, alarmed, but the locker room had nearly cleared out, save for a cluster of dancers at the sinks who were paying the two of them no mind.

"Relax, hyung, half these guys are taking them," Junho said. 

This was news to Himchan. He wondered if any of B.A.P's dancers were on them. 

"Just try them out. If you don't like it, no harm done. If you _do,_ just give my friend a call. You've got more important stuff to do than counting calories, right?"

Himchan couldn't argue with that. He'd never gotten the hanging of tracking his food anyway.

"Yeah, yeah."

Junho clapped him on the back one last time and headed for the showers. Himchan finished dressing and slipped the pills into the small interior pocket of his gym bag. He felt himself frowning and had to force his features smooth. No need to wrinkle this face before its time. 

**

The search for Jongup took him back up to the group's practice rooms. He made out Yongguk's back in his studio, talking to Youngjae. Himchan moved on to the main vocal practice room, and found Daehyun sitting against the wall, reading something on his phone. From the intent look on his face, Himchan didn't think he was on SNS.

"What's up?" he asked, sitting across from him on the floor. The younger man brightened. 

"Hey, hyung. Just going over lyrics for the last two songs. What are you doing?"

"Looking for Jonguppie, Junhong said they finished the choreo," Himchan said. 

"Everyone's looking for Jonguppie. We're supposed to practice and now he won't answer his phone."

"I guess he left his charger."

Daehyun shook his head. "That guy," he said, affecting a world-weary sigh. Himchan didn't miss the trace of a frown that stayed on his face. 

"What's wrong with you?" he said. 

"Just a lot to memorize." Daehyun turned his screen around so Himchan could see the lyrics he was scrolling through. All of Daehyun's lines were highlighted in black with white text. He had a ton. Himchan had been reading through his own lines before the gym, and he had a handful in comparison. But then, that was nothing new.

He pushed his own feelings aside and nudged the vocalist's knee with his own. "You always learn them," he reminded him. "Just give it time."

"I kept messing up recording," Daehyun said, scowling at his phone. "They had to keep making me go ba--well, you know, you were there."

"It wasn't a big deal."

Daehyun just shrugged. It kind of _was_ a big deal, and they both knew it. The more takes they had to do in the studio, the more it cost the company, in both money and time. There never seemed to be enough time. 

"Anyway, you sounded great," Himchan said. This was true. He may have been biased, but he still thought Daehyun had one of the best voices in the industry, and he kept getting better. If he took a bit longer recording sometimes, it was a small price to pay. 

Daehyun finally looked up from his phone, and his face creased into a smile. 

"You're such a supportive hyung," he said sweetly. Himchan rolled his eyes--a mistake; it only made Daehyun flirt harder. "Don't worry, Jonguppie'll turn up," he said, reaching over and forcing the corners of Himchan's lips into a smile. "Putty-face hyung!"

It was one of those stupid games they had invented on tour. Daehyun was obsessed with playing with the members' faces, scrunching them up and twisting them around, and one night Himchan had done his best to hold his face in the position Daehyun had twisted it into. Thus began Putty-face Hyung (or putty-face dongsaeng, depending).

Now Daehyun pinched Himchan's cheek; he filled it with air so it would stay distended. He pushed one of his eyebrows up and Himchan left it lifted when he took his hand away. Daehyun was laughing his hyena laugh, which always made it harder to maintain a straight face. He pushed Himchan's lips apart so he was baring his teeth.

"Aish," Himchan said as Daehyun practically stuck his fingers in his mouth. Boundaries were not a thing with Jung Daehyun.

He heard the door open behind him. Daehyun looked at whoever it was and laughed. "About time," he said. He pushed Himchan's cheeks together, deflating the one and forcing his jaw open. 

"What are you doing to my Himchan-hyung?" Jongup asked. Himchan could hear the smile in his voice before hands came to rest on his shoulders. He looked up to find the dancer smiling down at him. It was difficult not to smile back, but the rules of the game forbade it until he was released. 

"Putty-face hyung?" Jongup said.

"Of course," Daehyun said. Jongup reached down and rearranged Himchan's features a few times, furrowing his eyebrow, jutting out his jaw, scrunching his nose. His hands were gentle and Himchan found himself leaning into his touch. It had been too long since they'd hung out for real. There had been the times Jongup was recording the previous week, and that had been fun as always, but they could never really let their guard down in the TS building with so many people around. 

Jongup stopped his ministrations as Himchan's face was in what felt like a particularly hideous configuration. He pursed his lips in a badly-suppressed smile.

"Hi," he said. Himchan rolled his eyes in response; Jongup had tugged his tongue out so he couldn't really talk. Jongup flicked his forehead, releasing him from the game. 

"Hi," Himchan said back. "You finished."

"How'd you know?" Jongup came around to sit on the floor with them. He and Daehyun bumped fists in greeting. 

"Junhong was in the gym. I've been looking for you. You forgot your charger?"

Jongup slid his phone out of his pocket and waved it to demonstrate its uselessness. Himchan and Daehyun shook their heads reprovingly. 

"I was looking for _you_ ," Jongup told Himchan. 

"Aish, you were supposed to be looking for _me_ ; we have practice!" Daehyun reminded him loudly. Jongup smiled at him, then rolled his eyes at Himchan. "I saw that!"

"You don't have time to celebrate the choreo?" Himchan asked, disappointed. "I wanted to take you out for a burger or something. You can come too," he told Daehyun, seeing his mouth open to protest. The vocalist subsided, looking pleased. 

"Not really," Jongup told him regretfully. "Can you--" he motioned to Daehyun's phone. Daehyun clicked a few things then handed it over, and Jongup showed Himchan the lyrics, now with lines highlighted in green. Jongup had almost as many lines as Daehyun. 

Himchan tried to smile. "Another time, then," he said. He pushed himself to his feet. Jongup looked up at him, frowning. 

"Where are you going?"

"Let you two get to work," Himchan said lightly. Jongup rose gracefully, then glanced at Daehyun, who rolled his eyes and stood up too. 

"I'll get water, then we should start," he told Jongup firmly. He tickled Himchan's ribs as he passed him on his way out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Jongup pulled Himchan to the wall next to the door so they couldn't been seen through the window. 

"Sorry," he whispered. Himchan shook his head.

"Don't be silly." He played with Jongup's fingers. "The dance, are you happy with it?" 

His boyfriend brightened, nodding. "I think it's fun."

"Junhongie said Yongguk didn't ask for many changes."

The dancers had free rein these days; the only alterations Yongguk ever asked for were if he spotted a move that seemed physically impossible for mere mortals to complete. 

"Just a couple. We'll start teaching the rest of you tomorrow."

Himchan nodded. "Are you excited about the last few songs? You have a lot of lines." He nudged Jongup, grinning. This, at least, he could be unquestionably happy about. He loved Jongup's voice. He deserved every bit of recognition he was finally getting. 

Jongup gave a half-shrug. "It's a lot," he agreed. "We'll probably be here late again."

Himchan had figured as much. 

"Well, if you ever come home again, come sleep with me," he said. "Yongguk hasn't been to the dorm in ages so we'd have the room to ourselves. You could use a good night's sleep."

He didn't like the dark circles under Jongup's eyes, but he was trying very hard not to pester him. Jongup knew how to listen to his own body better than anyone Himchan knew; he had to trust he wouldn't push himself too far. 

His boyfriend smirked. "If I sleep with you we won't be getting any rest," he said significantly. 

Before Himchan could give _that_ thought the attention it deserved, Daehyun was pushing back into the room, bottles of water in hand. 

"Take a break for food at some point, all right?" Himchan said, stepping back and including both men in his instruction. He thought uncomfortably of the pills in his bag.

"Obviously," Daehyun said blankly. So that was good. There wouldn't be any meal-skipping with him around. 

He bid them goodbye and left the studio, then just stood in the hallway for a second, undecided. He could see if Yongguk needed any help in the studio. He could try to coax Junhong out of the gym and at least treat one of the dancers to a celebratory meal. He could memorize his six new lines.

His phone buzzed and he took it out gratefully. He smiled when he saw the text from Sleepy hyung. The older rapper had been abroad for months working on various collaborations, and Himchan hadn't seen him since before B.A.P's tour. That seemed a distant memory now; so much had changed since then. 

Kim Sungwon: _Sup Channie, want some noodles?_

Himchan texted him back immediately and headed out.

**

Sleepy had named a hole-in-the-wall shop that was a great favorite of the group after long practice sessions. Himchan didn't think he'd ever been there when it was still light outside.

His friend was easy to find, tall as he was and freshly blonde, installed in a corner table with a truly impressive array of dishes spread out before him. He looked like a king holding court. The furry white face of his puppy Fury stuck out from the collar of his jacket.  Himchan couldn't help but grin as he pulled out the empty chair. 

"Channiiie!" Sleepy greeted him in his cheerful, muted manner. "You hungry, man?"

"Always." Himchan accepted the proffered chopsticks and began sampling from the dishes at random. "How was Japan?"

"Fucking epic," Sleepy said. He dangled a noodle above Fury's face and the puppy snapped at it. They both laughed. "Glad to be home, though. Thought I'd see how you were doing. Figured Bbang's locked in his studio these days."

Sleepy was the only person Himchan didn't mind adopting his nickname for Yongguk. He shrugged.

"Yeah, new album's dropping soon, everyone's crazed. Not so much for me to do yet, though," he said matter-of-factly. Sleepy gave him a squinty-eyed look. 

"You don't sound happy about that."

Himchan debated. He'd known Kim Sungwon for years and had always been able to talk to him about anything. He'd been a real source of comfort during the lawsuit, always reassuring them they were doing the right thing and letting them know whenever he heard anything about them around the TS building. 

But what Himchan was feeling now...he didn't know if he wanted to say it out loud. That would make it real somehow, and Sleepy wasn't one to sugarcoat things. If Himchan was right, the rapper would tell him so, and that would be a painful pill to swallow.

But if it were true, he needed to do something about it.

"I feel a little...superfluous," he admitted, focusing on the puppy rather than his friend as if it might lessen the gravity of his own words. He had lines in the new songs, of course, more than he used to. He knew Yongguk was making sure to give him a bigger part, and he was grateful. But his lines were no stretch for him vocally, didn't require any real increase in practice time, and it wasn't like he was contributing anything else. He didn't even have any English to master this time around.

"Superfluous," Sleepy repeated. Himchan shrugged. 

"Kind of. The maknaes have been in the studio for weeks doing the choreography, Bbang's doing _everything_ , Daehyunnie and Youngjae have extra vocal practice..."

"Huh." Sleepy frowned at the table for a minute. 

Himchan waited. Sungwon had earned his moniker honestly enough; he often seemed half-asleep or unengaged. But Himchan knew him well enough by now to understand he was thinking things through; he was no more unengaged than Yongguk, who shared his habit of thinking before speaking. 

You'd think Himchan might have picked up the tendency himself by now. 

"When's the last time you played janngu?" his friend asked finally. Himchan blinked.

"Ah, some variety show I did awhile ago," he said, struggling to recall.

"And before that?"

"I practiced a bit before the show, but it's been ages, really."

"And all the other instruments you play?" Sleepy pressed.

"Same."

The rapper nodded decisively. "That's it, then."

"What's what?"

"Gotta get back to your _roots_ , man!" Sleepy said. "You know you're not really _superfluous_ or whatever, Bbang'd kick your ass if he heard you talking like that, but if you're feeling it then something's missing." He paused, apparently arrested by another thought. "Or--you sure you don't just need to get laid?"

Himchan laughed even as he flushed, remembering the last time with Jongup. It had definitely been too long, but compared to their friends, he knew he and Jongup had no room for complaint on that front.

"That's definitely not it," he said, and Sleepy raised his eyebrows.

"Okay," he said approvingly. "But then it's gotta be the music. Go fucking practice til your fingers bleed; guarantee you'll feel solid after." 

It had been a long time since Himchan had practiced that hard. Once upon a time it had been part of his daily routine, something he didn't have to think about. Comforting to feel so _right_ with his instruments. At some point it had all turned to obligation, the excitement diminished.

Now, though, he thought he could recall some of the old desire to just lose himself for a time, to make music alone. He wondered if he could get back to that space.

Sleepy was watching him knowingly. He fed a piece of beef to Fury. "Listen to your hyung," he said with a laugh.

Himchan took some meat for himself. "You know, for once? I think I will."

**

His janngu was still at his parents' house, of course, so after he left Sleepy, Himchan returned to the TS building. He made for the piano practice rooms, hoping one would be free. Most were.

He closed himself in one, just a small windowless room with a black piano and white walls the exact correct height for perfect acoustics. He settled himself down on the bench, adjusting its distance from the instrument to fit his legs comfortably underneath. A hundred recitals came back to him with the familiar motion. 

He hadn't brought any sheet music. He considered pulling some up on his phone, but the idea mostly made him tired. He settled his fingers on the cool ivory keys, and began running through scales, clumsily at first but with growing confidence as the repetitive motion did its job and reacquainted him with the instrument. 

When his fingers felt limber--or at least, less awkward--he began trying to piece together old songs from memory. At one time he'd had dozens of songs he could pull up in their entirety on a whim; now it was a struggle to remember more than a few bars in a row. 

No matter. He began branching out, changing familiar riffs so they were new, trying different variations until he found something he liked. It was an exercise he recalled from those long-ago composing classes, and it still gave him the same pleasure to hear his hands bring out an unfamiliar row of notes. Creating something that hadn't been before. 

His mind tried to drift off; to Jongup, to wonder how hard the new choreography would be to learn the next day, to the upcoming comeback. But each time he just played louder, drowning out his own thoughts. At some point his brain settled down to the task at hand: playing. He lost track of the time. 

**

Junhong stretched until his joints popped. He really had to find a better place to write than curled up in the corner of one of the singing practice rooms. But so far nowhere else worked as well. He had tried the dorm, but of course there was always someone around. If Daehyun were in the room with him he was almost always talking--talking was Daehyun's default setting--and if he went out into the common room it was only a (short) matter of time before he was joined by someone else. The group tended to flock together even when they didn't have to.

He had tried writing in their studio, but Yongguk was almost always there, looking serious and capable and _supportive_ and just how was Junghong supposed to live up to the expectant pride in his leader's eyes?

So he had taken to this, locking himself in a small white room meant for individual vocal practice. He would wedge himself in behind the door, the room's folding chair being far less comfortable for his long frame than the floor. Hours later he would "come to," his notebook covered in his sloppy, crowded writing, his mind blessedly clear.

He emerged now, checking his watch, to find it was after 2 am. He hadn't been back to the dorm in days. The gym downstairs was equipped with showers and he and Jongup had tag-teamed Himchan until he brought them both some extra clothes. Junhong knew it had been at least half-pretense to let the couple see each other for a few minutes, but he wasn't above taking advantage in his small, innocent enough way. 

They had finally finished the choreography and by all rights he should be sleeping in his own bed, but his body had grown so accustomed to not sleeping that he was having trouble shutting it down now. He winced to imagine the lecture Yongguk would deliver on the importance of rest--fine words coming from a man who barely slept four hours a night on their days off.

He stumbled down the hallway, occasionally passing a studio still thumping with bass, some trainee group or other practicing into the wee hours. Yongguk used to have to drag him and Jongup home. 

He'd left his stuff upstairs. He ignored the elevators and mounted the steps up to the fifteenth floor, passing the instrument practice rooms on the way. Music was coming from one. Piano. Junhong slowed. He couldn't place the tune. It was in a minor key, building up to a crescendo of sound discordant and disturbing. Then, just as he thought his ears were about to bleed with it, it somehow resolved itself into a sweet, simple melody. 

He wouldn't usually look, but he hadn't heard anything quite like it before. He peered in through the room's narrow window and was startled to see a familiar figure. 

Without thinking, he opened the door.

"Hyung?" he said. 

Himchan jumped and turned. His eyes were far away for a beat before focusing on Junhong's face. 

"Oh," he said vaguely. "Hi, Junhongie."

"What was that you were playing?" There was no sheet music on the piano. 

"Mm? Oh, nothing, I was just fooling around," Himchan said. He still looked a bit distant. It was the same look Yongguk got when he was interrupted unexpectedly in the studio. 

"Seriously? You wrote that?" Junhong experienced a small shift as his mind made room for this new information about his hyung. Himchan had never mentioned he could write music.

Himchan snorted, and in a blink he was his usual self again. "I wouldn't call that writing, Junhong-ah," he said, standing and stretching. "Just messing around."

"Well--wait, can you do it again? What you just did?" Junhong said quickly, locating his phone in his back pocket. Himchan gave him a strange look but sat down again.

"Probably," he said. He began to play and Junhong began recording. Himchan started with a part Junhong hadn't overheard yet, before beginning the strange progression that he had. The final notes of the melody left Junhong with a lump in his throat.

"Eh, close enough," Himchan said dismissively, turning back to him. Junhong tucked his phone away hastily. "What time is it, anyway?"

Junhong told him and he winced. "Yah, what are you still doing here? Let's get home," he said. Junhong followed him out. His mind was formulating a plan.


	11. Chapter 11

Week Twenty five, Part One

 

Jongup was on a train platform.

It was crowded with people who jostled him with every step, pushing him back a half step for each step forward. 

"Sorry, excuse me," he kept chanting, but no one looked at him, no one moved to accommodate him. He was getting nowhere and that wasn't an option, not today. 

He squared his shoulders and barreled through, earning glares and protests from commuters as he passed. He stopped apologizing. They were in the way and he was late as it was. 

He could hear the announcement over the loudspeaker; the train was about to leave. He broke into a run. People finally seemed to get the hint that they should move and they melted away, clearing his path. 

He was panting by the time he reached the platform, and he pulled up short, dismayed. 

_He was on the wrong side of the tracks._

He could see Himchan across from him, duffel bag over his shoulder. His hair was white-blonde and he was so young. 

"Hyung!" Jongup shouted, trying to be heard over the rush of the oncoming train. " _Himchan-hyung!"_ He waved, but Himchan didn't see. The train pulled in, impossibly fast and huge and dark, and pulled out again too fast. When it was gone, the platform was empty.

Himchan was gone. 

Jongup woke up. 

He gasped into the dim room, utterly disoriented, and rolled over in bed, sure somehow that Himchan would be there.

He wasn't. 

Jongup rubbed his face hard, willing his memory to catch up. Of course Himchan wasn't really gone. He and Jongup were rooming together. They were in Japan. It had just been the dream again. Himchan was probably in the bathroom. 

As if to punctuate his point, water gurgled in the sink around the corner. Jongup's eyes were adjusting now, and he saw the bathroom light was on, could hear the soft splashing of someone--Himchan--washing their hands. 

He knew it was him, he'd gotten his bearings by now, but the dream had left him shaken and needing to lay eyes--and hopefully hands--on his boyfriend. He rolled out of bed and padded soundlessly across the hotel room to check. 

He found Himchan with a toothbrush sticking out the corner of his mouth while he examined the room's tiny coffee maker. He spotted Jongup in the mirror behind him and jumped, one hand going to his heart in an unconsciously theatrical motion. He leaned over the sink and spat out a mouthful of toothpaste before turning around. 

"You scared me to--Jongup-ah?" 

Because Jongup had wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his neck, breathing him in. Himchan hugged him back immediately, pausing only to put down his toothbrush, then he rubbed circles in the dancer's back. 

"Why aren't you in bed with me right now?" Jongup mumbled into his shoulder. 

Japan had been heaven; after so many weeks of barely seeing each other, the two of them were roommates. It was only four nights; they had one left. They'd barely slept. The first night they systematically defiled every surface in the room, for once not troubling about how sore they might be the next day. 

"That's what they make painkillers for," Jongup had told Himchan. It was a small price to pay, in any case. The hotel had a particularly excellent shower that they had made good use of. Repeatedly.

Himchan had set up earlier-than-usual wake-up calls, too, guessing that their alarms would be insufficient. They spent those early hours wrapped around each other, talking and laughing and making out. And, once, showering.

It wasn't enough, but it was a start.

"I was coming right back," Himchan said now with a laugh. He released Jongup and the younger man pulled away a bit reluctantly. "Hey, are you okay?" He frowned at whatever expression he saw on Jongup's face. 

Jongup tried to smile reassuringly. He didn't want to tell Himchan about the dream. He'd had it before, several times since his boyfriend had told him about almost leaving B.A.P. It wasn't an especially _subtle_ nightmare, and he knew Himchan would figure out its origins easily enough and probably blame himself. It always left Jongup a bit shaky the next day. He could never catch the damn train.

"I'm okay, I think I had some weird dreams," he said. 

"Hmm."

Himchan poured him a little plastic cup of water. 

"Drink," he instructed. Jongup drank. The water had the metallic taste of hotels everywhere. Himchan ran the cold water. "Splash," he continued. Jongup smiled slightly and splashed his face, then directed the spray at Himchan, who yelped and jumped backward as the water arced across his stomach. 

"You weren't very specific," Jongup said innocently, smiling at him. Himchan narrowed his eyes and pulled his wet t-shirt away from his stomach. 

"You should probably just take that off," Jongup said. Himchan snorted, but did pull off the shirt. He was left in nothing but a pair of shorts and his glasses, his hair fluffy from bed. It should not have been nearly as sexy as Jongup found it. 

"Guess I'd better get changed," Himchan said, heading for his suitcase. Jongup followed and tackled him to the bed before he could get to his clothes. Himchan was already laughing. 

"We have time," Jongup said. Himchan smiled up at him and went to take off his glasses, but Jongup stilled his hand. 

"Leave them on. I like them."

"Really? Weirdo," Himchan said fondly. He played with Jongup's hands. "I think the coffee maker's broken. I don't think they thought anyone would actually use it three days in a row; it wasn't built for such abuse."

Clearly the hotel wasn't expecting someone with Himchan's caffeine habits. He liked to make one of the mini pots of coffee before he ordered another cup with breakfast.

Jongup ran his hands up and down Himchan's bare sides. The dream was a distant memory.

"I guess we'll have to think of something else to wake us up," he said.

**

The final concert went as well as the first two--actually no, scratch that. Jongup always thought the last concerts were the best; the group might be the most exhausted but they always got amped up the last time, with home on the horizon, wanting to go out with a bang.

Now the group was waiting to go into the hi-touch. Jongup could hear the crush of fans outside. He looked around for Himchan, but Manager Kang had pulled him aside for something as soon as they'd come offstage. 

"Jongup-ah." Yongguk passed him a bottle of water and he drank half of it in a gulp. They were all in white and silver this time and Yongguk's hair was a shock of white, giving him an otherworldly look. His hair hadn't been light since the early days and Jongup couldn't get used to it. 

He looked around again for Himchan. He never tired of sharing the after-concert glow with any of the members, but Himchan in particular was always _transcendent_ in those moments. He loved flipping through the pictures he'd taken of the fans, showing off the best ones to the others. 

But he still wasn't here, and the managers were lining them up to go into the hi touch. Jongup tugged Youngjae's elbow. 

"Where's Himchan hyung?"

Youngjae looked around, frowning, then tugged on Daehyun's elbow ahead of him, hissing the same question. Before Daehyun could continue the game of telephone with Yongguk, they were being ushered out without their sixth member. Jongup swallowed his frown as they were met with cheers and the usual swarm of fans. 

Then the venue director was introducing them, and Kang was stepping up to announce to the crowd that Himchan wouldn't be able to make the event, as he had just learned of a family emergency. 

The fans made noises of concern and the members glanced at each other quickly. Only years of experience kept the worry from their faces, but Jongup could see from Yongguk's expression that he didn't know any more about this than Jongup did, and he didn't like it. 

Youngjae's hand found the back of Jongup's elbow and squeezed; possibly his way of urging him to stay still rather than dashing off to find Himchan and find out what the hell was going on. 

 _He's fine_ , Jongup reminded himself. _You saw him ten minutes ago, whatever's happening Himchan's fine._

It was a struggle to make it through the hi-touch, though. He had to force himself to smile, to make eye contact. Whatever was wrong, it wasn't the fans' fault. 

He was relieved when they finally finished and returned to the relative quiet of the annex. Yongguk put an arm around Jongup immediately and asked Kang what was happening. 

"It's his parents," their manager explained without preamble. "There was a car accident; Hana called while you were finishing your last encore."

Yongguk's grip on Jongup's shoulder tightened. "How badly were they hurt?"

"His father should be fine, I think he had a fractured wrist? And plenty of bruises, I'm sure, but--it's his mother. She took the worst of the impact. They don't know if--" Kang shook his head, distress evident on his face. Jongup's stomach plummeted. Himchan must be terrified. Jongup should be there with him. 

"So are we meeting him back at the hotel, or--?" he blurted. His own voice sounded strange to his ears. Yongguk squeezed his shoulder and Daehyun crowded in on his other side comfortingly. Kang shook his head.

"He left early, he won't be doing the last interview tomorrow. We'll just bring his stuff when we--"

Jongup didn't wait to hear the rest. He wrenched free of Yongguk's hold and made for the dressing room. It was still a riot from concert preparations, every surface covered in makeup, brushes, water bottles and snacks. The members' regular clothes were tossed about haphazardly. Jongup began rifling through the nearest pile. He heard someone come in behind him but didn't turn.

"Jongup-ah."

"Where's my phone?" he demanded, trying another pile. 

"Jongup-ah."

He ignored his leader, continuing his frantic search. Sometimes Himchan had someone give him his phone during a performance so he could take pictures with it, but Jongup never bothered to keep track of his; it always turned up somewhere in the mess after the show. 

He jumped slightly as Yongguk held his own phone in front of his face; then he accepted it and pulled Himchan's number up from his frequent contacts. 

It went directly to voicemail. 

Jongup hit end. He was on his knees in the middle of the room. Yongguk crouched in front of him, dark eyes serious.

"He's probably already on the plane; Kang said they got him on the next flight, that's why he left so fast," he said quietly. Jongup nodded and passed the phone back. 

"He's alone," he said. He couldn't stop picturing him on the plane back to Korea, afraid for his mother, without Jongup or Yongguk or anyone around to reassure him or just hold his hand or _anything._ What was the point of Jongup if he couldn't be there for Himchan right this second?

"I know," Yongguk said. Jongup looked at him for the first time. He looked smaller than usual. Powerlessness could do that to a guy. 

"I wish--" Jongup couldn't finish, but his friend nodded.

"Me too. We'll call him once he lands, and tomorrow we'll go straight to the hospital when we get home. I mean, if--if they're still there." Yongguk's brow creased and he looked at his hands quickly. Jongup recalled that the rapper had known Himchan's family even longer than he had; that he was close with Himchan's mother.

There was nothing to say, really. Jongup couldn't very well stay frozen in the middle of the dressing room unless he wanted Kang and the other managers to suspect something was up. He let Yongguk help him to his feet and they continued the search for Jongup's phone in silence. Soon, they were joined by the others, and the subdued group got ready to leave the venue, one fewer than they had come.

**

A direct flight from Osaka to Seoul took one hour and forty-five minutes.

Except that couldn't be right, because Himchan's plane had been in the air at least three days. 

He had ordered a glass of wine to calm his nerves but which accomplished the opposite. He ate his little bag of plane pretzels and ripped his napkin into tiny pieces and ordered a screwdriver, light on the orange juice, which the attendant brought him even though technically the service period was over. It didn't help, either.

Himchan pulled out his phone and stared at its uselessness for awhile. He didn't have anything to do. His tablet was back at the hotel with the rest of his things; he hadn't had time to pick anything up on his way to the airport, he'd barely made his flight as it was. All he had with him was his ratty gym bag with the clothes he'd been wearing before the concert. He hadn't even had a chance to shower.

Now he had nothing but time, and all he could do was replay Hana's phone call over and over again in his mind.

_There was an accident. Can you come?_

That she'd asked for him was no small thing; Hana was the strong one. She often remarked matter-of factly that she accomplished twice as much as Himchan each day and all without a manager to make sure her shoes were tied. His sister had always been utterly unimpressed with him and his career, which was both a relief and a constant source of frustration. 

_Eomma's in surgery. Her spine._

Himchan downed the rest of his drink, barely feeling the burn as it went down. Replaying Hana's phone call was bad enough but it was infinitely better than imagining his parents' accident, picturing their faces caught in oncoming headlights, the way their expressions must have changed from smiles to terror as they realized too late what was about to happen. He could hear the squeal of tires and imagine how _world-consuming_ the crash of metal must have been. He could feel his father's terror as he turned to find his wife, covered in blood and glass.

Himchan had seen too many movies for his mind not to fill in the blanks now. 

He'd insisted on leaving for the airport immediately, not even saying goodbye to the others. He was pretty sure if he saw Jongup he would dissolve into a crying mess on his shoulder and not be able to leave without him, and he needed to be stronger than that.

Still. He would have given just about anything to have him here now.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe, tried to imagine his boyfriend was in the seat next to him. Tried to imagine a world where they could just hold hands without it being a scandal or fanservice. Tried to remember the feeling of the smaller man pressed against him in the hotel--was that just this morning? It seemed an age ago now. 

_Eomma's in surgery. Her spine._

He sighed and opened his eyes. The flight had been four days now.

The pilot came over the speaker and announced their descent into Seoul. Himchan felt the plane tilt and the familiar stomach-dropping sensation of the plane lowering. He gripped his armrests and breathed.

**

The hospital was unfairly huge. Himchan had to ask three people before he got directions to the emergency ward that actually made sense. It seemed to be a kilometer away from where the cab had dropped him off. He almost passed the doorway but heard his name and turned back to find Hana. 

Normally as put-together as--well, as Himchan himself--his sister looked a wreck. She had on a pair of ripped jeans he would guess hadn't seen the light of day since she was in high school, and a huge grey sweatshirt that could only have belonged to her boyfriend Sanghun. She'd tied her long hair up in a ratty bun, except for a hunk she'd missed that lay against her neck. 

She was the best thing he'd seen all night. 

They hugged wordlessly for a long minute before she released him. He felt like crying but her eyes were dry, go figure. 

"What's happening?" he said, leading her over to a cluster of grey plastic chairs that turned out to be every bit as uncomfortable as they looked. 

"They're looking at Appa now; he hit his head and they're worried about a concussion," Hana said. Himchan's stomach lurched; he had thought his father, at least, was okay. 

"How worried?" he asked. Hana shook her head.

"I don't know; I thought he was fine, he was out here with me, they'd bandaged him up, but then he started talking funny, I don't know--" She stopped and pressed her lips together tightly. Himchan suddenly wanted their father with them very badly. _Talking funny._ Their father wasn't a big talker. He was the odd man out in his gregarious family, but he always completely unequivocally belonged to them. Somehow you could never forget he was in the room, no matter if he hadn't said a word.

He was, Himchan suddenly realized, not unlike Yongguk in that way. 

"Concussions--they can fix those," he said firmly. Hana nodded. "What about Eomma?"

"They won't tell me how bad it is," Hana said. "Something about patient confidentiality, which is _ridiculous,_ I'm her _daughter_ , but I think Appa had it done up so we don't get to know anything unless he's--gone."

It would be very like their father to quietly arrange things to minimize stress on his children. 

"But I know it's serious because they said the surgery would probably take _sixteen hours_ ," Hana went on a bit frantically. "What is that? What could take that long? So I started looking online to see--"

"That's a _terrible_ idea," Himchan said. 

"Right, so it turns out any kind of spinal injury is like one of the the worst things that could happen, and I don't even know if she'll--if she'll--" Hana stopped again and sat back in her seat. Her face was very still, except for her chin, which kept dimpling as though she were about to cry. Himchan took her hand and sat back in his seat, and together, they began to wait.

**

Yongguk followed Jongup to his room and Jongup let him. It had been cleaned while they were out, of course; the bed neatly made and turned down, fresh towels laid out, their room service scraps removed. It looked peacefully anonymous again.

Except Himchan's suitcase was still next to the TV where he'd left it that morning, the polka dot pajama pants Jongup had bought him folded neatly on top. His toothpaste was still in its travel case on the counter next to Jongup's. His neck pillow had been laid neatly on his bed. 

Jongup's dream came back to him, an unwelcome intrusion. 

"Missed the train again," he muttered to himself, kicking his shoes off with more force than was necessary.

"What?"

He'd forgotten Yongguk was there. The rapper was hesitating in the entry, looking around the room, an unreadable look on his face. 

"Nothing," Jongup said quickly. "Just a nightmare I keep having."

Yongguk frowned and set his backpack carefully on the floor. "What about?" he asked. Jongup couldn't help scowling as he thought about it.

"Himchan getting on a train and leaving the group."

Yongguk started as though Jongup had raised a fist to strike him. "You--did he tell you about that, or--"

"Yeah. That's about when I started having the stupid dream." Jongup sat on the edge of the bed, suddenly exhausted. He wanted _Himchan_. "I'm chasing him to the train station but he always leaves before I can get to him."

He glared down at the phone in his hand. He'd had a text in the van on the way to the hotel, a short, almost terse _On my way to the hospital, idk anything yet._ Followed by a less terse _Try to sleep_ with a frog emoji--Himchan's specific text shorthand for _I love you_. 

Jongup had replied with an emphatic _CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN_ and about fifty frogs.

"Should I even ask?" Youngjae had said about the emoji when Jongup passed the phone around to show Himchan's message. Jongup just shrugged. 

"Come stay with me and Junhong," Yongguk said abruptly now. Jongup blinked.

"Why?"

Yongguk sat beside him on the bed and nudged him with his shoulder. "Because I don't want you up all night brooding by yourself."

"Isn't that what you're gonna do?" Jongup asked, smiling a little. Yongguk gave him a serious look.

"No, I'll be brooding _with Junhong_ ," he corrected. 

"I don't want to wake you guys up if Himchan calls, though."

"I'd rather know right away if he does."

Jongup thought he caught something unfamiliar in the rapper's voice then, and he wondered at it. It occurred to him that, until recently, Yongguk would have been Himchan's first phone call without question. Now it would be Jongup. Probably. Almost definitely. Yongguk was always so taciturn Jongup hadn't stopped to wonder before if the change bothered him. 

"Okay," he said a bit cautiously. In truth, the idea of spending the night in the room that Himchan had occupied with him before didn't hold much appeal. Yongguk was right, it was just a recipe for anxiety. 

The rapper helped him gather his things (this mostly consisted of Yongguk picking up his toothbrush and waiting by the door for Jongup to locate his pajamas in the mess of his suitcase--he hadn't worn them the past few nights with Himchan and it was lucky he'd brought any at all), and they left the room for Yongguk's, two doors down.

Junhong was stretched out on one of the beds when they entered, flipping through the channels on the TV. His leg was jittering to some internal beat. Some things never changed. He and Jongup had roomed together all the time in the early days of tour, and the maknae was always suffused with a manic energy after shows. They had taken to sneaking out late at night and finding the hotel pool or roof deck or any interesting feature that might be available. 

Now the maknae had mellowed somewhat--growing up or a side effect of rooming with Yongguk, Jongup wondered--but the old energy lingered under the surface.

He looked around as they came in and didn't seem especially surprised to see his new roommate. 

"Did he call yet?" he asked immediately. Jongup shook his head and he frowned, then scooted over a bit on the bed to make space. Jongup crawled over him wordlessly and shook his head as he was offered the remote. Junhong went back to flipping through channels and Yongguk settled into bed and together, the three of them watched TV in silence.

**

Hana went in search of coffee and Himchan continued to sit. They were afraid if they both left the waiting room together they would miss any updates.

He wanted to call Jongup; would have given anything to hear his voice. But he was sitting directly across from a large, no-nonsense sign prohibiting the use of cell phones. He'd already earned himself a glare from a passing nurse when he'd taken it out of his pocket intending to send a quick text. He felt, a trifle superstitiously, that his parents' fates might be tied directly to how much the hospital workers liked him. 

He sighed and let his head rest in his hands. It felt heavier than usual. That couldn't be right. 

A coffee cup swam into his view suddenly.

"You look like you could use this." 

He looked up to find Mina standing over him. He didn't even have it in him to be surprised; nothing about the night felt quite real. He accepted the proffered cup and tried to smile.

"What are you doing here?"

She took Hana's vacated seat beside him. "My dad called. I'm so sorry, Himchan."

"We don't know how bad it is yet," he said automatically, lifting his cup. 

"Careful, it's--"

"Hot," he sputtered, somehow managed to swallow the small sip of inferno.

"I was going to say terrible, but okay."

He managed a short laugh at that. 

"I didn't think you'd get here so fast," she said. "Weren't you in Japan?"

He squinted over at her. "How'd you know that?"

She flushed a little. "You know your mother still calls me every week, right? She keeps me up to date on _all_ your activities."

"Hmph. Sorry about that."

"Don't be. She's sweet." Mina paused and they watched an orderly wheel a young woman past them. "Do you know--"

"Not yet." He took another sip of the coffee. It really was terrible. He glanced over to find Mina studying him. "What? I must look awful."

"Maybe you could just splash some cold water on your face." She nodded to the bathroom down the hall. Cold water _did_ sound good. Hell, a shower sounded good. "And have you eaten?"

"Do airplane pretzels and alcohol count?"

She gave him a disapproving look and bumped his shoulder with hers. "Go on, get cleaned up. I'll stay here in case anyone comes with updates."

He set the coffee cup down and stood up, stretching. "Thanks, Mina. I mean--thanks for coming."

She looked up at him somberly. "I love your parents," she reminded him. "And--well." She flushed a little and looked away. Himchan wondered what she'd been about to say. "Go on," she repeated, not looking at him.

He slid his bag out from under his seat and went to the men's room to assess the situation. 

"Aish," he grimaced at his reflection. He still had stage makeup smeared across his eyelids, the airport bathroom having been insufficient to remove it. Still, it did nothing to hide the circles under his eyes. And--were those _lines_ starting to form around his mouth?

For a half-second he almost cared, then he remembered where he was and what was happening, and felt sick with himself and his stupid, shallow worries. He bent over the sink and splashed his face several times with bracingly cold water, rubbing at his eyes until spots flashed behind his lids. 

His stomach started rumbling as he wiped his face dry with a rough paper towel. This only made him angrier. He glared at himself in the mirror, at his stupid blotchy face. He did not, he felt sure, get to be hungry right now. His body was betraying his parents by trying to distract him with such base needs. 

He remembered the pills in his bag. 

He'd managed to forget them--or, at least, ignore them--since Junho had given them to him. It wouldn't be right, Yongguk would kill him, he'd made it so far without using anything stronger than caffeine to get him through years of idol insanity. 

But he was hungry. His mother might be _dying_ , and he was hungry. 

He was firmly and emphatically not okay with this. 

The bathroom was empty. Without giving himself a chance to reconsider, he rifled through his bag until he located the pills. He pulled one out and looked at it for a beat, an innocuous round white. Then he swallowed it dry.

"Better?" Mina asked when he returned, slightly cleaner and, he fancied, more clear-headed than when he'd left. 

"Thanks," he said with a nod, taking up his seat and coffee again. When his sister returned a few minutes later with her boyfriend and an armful of vending machine snacks, Himchan turned them down. 

**

His head was killing him; exhaustion had crept in at some point around 4 am. It was considerably later now--almost lunch time--and his body wanted sleep so badly he felt almost delirious. Sanghun had found a cluster of chairs around the corner for Hana to stretch out in. Last Himchan had seen her, she was asleep with her head in her boyfriend's lap.

Himchan rested his elbows on his knees, massaging the bridge of his nose with his thumbs. Allowed his eyes to close for just a minute.

When he opened them, there was a familiar pair of red high-tops in front of him. His head jerked up. 

Jongup stood in front of him. 

Himchan didn't think. He surged up and Jongup caught him, holding him tightly. Dimly, Himchan thought they should be more careful, but he pushed it away. It was a hospital; anyone else in the waiting room would assume something terrible had happened to warrant this act of comfort.

Unreality washed over him as he remembered that something had.

"How'd you get here so fast?" he mumbled into the smaller man's shoulder.

"Manager Kang got us an earlier flight. We left straight after the interview."

The schedule had originally allowed for a few hours' sight-seeing, a rare treat for the group. Himchan was more touched than he could say that they'd given it up for him. 

He released Jongup reluctantly. The younger man raised a hand as if to touch Himchan's face, maybe brush the hair off his forehead, then stopped and lowered his hand, looking unhappy. 

"Where are the others?" Himchan asked. 

"Daehyun-hyung went back to the dorm with Youngjae-hyung and Junhongie; we didn't want to overload you if...um. Yongguk-hyung's still downstairs, he got a phone call, he'll be up in a minute."

Yongguk. Himchan couldn't have asked for a better pair of visitors; one to be his air and the other his...his external brain, or whatever.

He was so tired.

He'd barely had the thought when he swayed a little on his feet and Jongup grabbed his arm. 

"Sit down," he urged, pulling him down onto his chair and sitting beside him. Their knees pressed together. "You look exhausted, Himchannie. Did you get to sleep at all?"

Himchan just shook his head. He rested a hand on Jongup's knee. He wished he could hold his hand. Why was it that something he'd done a thousand times in front of fans and cameras suddenly seemed like it would expose too much if he did it now in front of neither?

"What about you?" he asked, trying to distract Jongup, trying to get the worried look off his face. Not a chance.

"Off and on. Yongguk-hyung made me room with him and Junhong so I wouldn't freak out alone all night."

Himchan smiled slightly. "So you freaked out together, then," he said. Jongup nodded, frowning, and looked up and down the hallway.

"He wanted to get here as much as I did, I don't know what's taking him so long," he said.

**

Yongguk's phone call was quick; he only meant to let Kang know they had arrived at the hospital, and allow Jongup and Himchan to hopefully have a moment alone before he joined them. But the rapper had never had a particularly strong sense of direction, and it didn't take him long in the uniform white hallways of the hospital to become hopelessly lost. 

He looked around for a sign or someone to ask, but every nurse and orderly he passed was helping a patient and Yongguk was loathe to interrupt just because he was dumb.

Finally he exited one of the blank white hallways into an atrium of sorts, the glass-paned ceiling arching high overhead. The room was wide and bordered with a coffee shop and sandwich station on one side, a pharmacy and what looked to be a gift shop on the other. Small tables were set at regular intervals in the middle with large planters scattered among them, the leaves too uniformly green to be anything but plastic. It wasn't especially crowded, though there were a few clusters of workers in hospital scrubs eating their lunch, and a few tired-looking men and women picking desultorily at theirs.

Yongguk wandered toward the coffee line, debating. Himchan would probably appreciate a caffeine boost, but the rapper was starting to doubt that he would ever actually find him. He would call, but the halls were littered with signs prohibiting cell phones. He wondered if Jongup had made it okay. 

This was ridiculous. Maybe one of the baristas could give him directions. Their line wasn't that long. He moved purposely to the counter just as the woman in front was taking her order. She turned to leave, iced americano in hand, and almost bumped into Yongguk. They both froze.

"Oh," Mina said. 

"..." Yongguk said. 

"Nice hair," Mina said. 

Yongguk reached up automatically; he kept forgetting. The white had been Himchan's idea, practically a dare, and while Yongguk would never stoop so low as to be _goaded_ into stylistic choices by his best friend...well, let's say he'd had a weak moment.

In any case, the hair, which looked admittedly very cool on stage and in photo shoots, had a way of looking kind of silly in real life. Normally he'd have put on a snapback, but with one thing and another he'd completely forgotten. 

"Himchan didn't say you were coming," Mina went on, moving aside so she wasn't blocking the counter. Yongguk stepped aside with her, reluctantly. He should have expected to see Mina; he knew how close her family was with Himchan's, but of course she'd been the furthest thing from his mind. 

Strangely, she looked younger than he remembered. Five years ago she'd been...stiffer, somehow, never a hair out of place, her clothes perfectly pressed. Now she was casual in jeans and a sweatshirt, hair loose and messy around her shoulders. She looked like someone you could actually talk to.

He realized that was exactly what he'd have to do if he wanted to find Himchan this century. 

"He doesn't know," he said. "We came back from Japan early. I was looking for him, I got all turned around." He motioned vaguely at the hallway he'd come from, and Mina's expression softened very slightly.

"This place is a disaster; if you come in the wrong entrance the emergency ward is impossible to find. I'll show you, come on--" She took a few steps but Yongguk hesitated.

"I was thinking of getting him a coffee," he said. She rolled her eyes and lifted the iced americano she was holding. 

"Who d'you think this is for?"

She led the wending way through the maze of the hospital. Yongguk asked after Himchan's parents.

"His mother's still in surgery but it must be almost finished by now. I don't know if it's a good sign or bad that we haven't heard anything yet. His Dad's going to be all right, thank goodness, but he was so distraught they had to sedate him and now he's under observation."

"And Himchan?" Yongguk pressed.

"You can ask him yourself."

They rounded a corner and Yongguk saw him. Jongup had made it; the two of them were seated close together, talking quietly. Jongup had his hand on Himchan's knee in a role reversal, and Himchan was looking at him, just drinking the younger man in as if there was nothing more he'd ever need. 

It was an unquestionably intimate scene. Yongguk glanced over at Mina to see if she'd noticed. Something did seem to sharpen in her expression as they got closer, but he wasn't sure if he was only imagining it. It was impossible to guess how his friends would look to anyone on the outside; Yongguk knew them all so well, knew the background behind nearly every glance, every touch. Maybe without that history Himchan and Jongup looked like a pair of regular friends.

But he kind of doubted it.

He deliberately dragged one of his sneakers along the linoleum floor as he and Mina approached, making a loud squeak that made Himchan and Jongup look up. They moved a bit away from each other when they saw him and Mina. 

"Look who I found," Mina said.

"Bbang," Himchan greeted him, standing. Jongup stood too, bowing to Mina, but Yongguk only had eyes for his best friend. He looked like he belonged in a hospital with those dark circles under his eyes. He looked ill. 

Yongguk hugged him tightly. 

"We were afraid you got lost," Himchan said.

"I did. Extremely," he said, releasing him. He was relieved when Himchan laughed. "It was lucky I ran into Mina or I'd never have found you." He glanced over at her, but she was studying the dancer. 

"You're Jongup, right?" she said abruptly. "You were at Mrs. Kim's birthday party."

"That's right," Jongup said evenly. 

Yongguk didn't think he could be imagining Mina's calculating expression as she looked between Jongup and Himchan. He felt his stomach plummet and he tried to divert attention. 

"Any news?" he asked Himchan. 

"We should know something soon," he said, glancing at his watch. "She's been in surgery all night."

Mina held out the coffee she'd gotten him. "I wish it was a cup of sleep, but you'll make do," she said. 

"Thanks." He took a long sip and then looked at Yongguk. "Sorry I missed the interview," he said.

"Don't be stupid," Yongguk and Jongup said in unison. Mina gave Jongup another appraising look and Yongguk winced. Of course she'd expect Himchan's dongsaeng to have more respect. He couldn't figure out how to get Jongup's attention without also attracting Mina's, though. 

They all settled in the uncomfortable chairs to wait. Before long Hana and her boyfriend joined them, and there were more greetings, bows, hugs. Yongguk kept an eye on Mina. 

She was watching Jongup.

 _She knows_ , he thought.


	12. Chapter 12

Week Twenty-five, Part Two

 

The van was quiet on the way to the dorm. There was an almost comical amount of space with only half the members in the backseat. Youngjae, Junhong and Daehyun had been greeted by a crowd of waving Babyz when they left the airport, while Jongup and Yongguk were escorted discretely out a side entrance to the cab that would take them to the hospital. 

The three remaining members waved to the fans, unable to respond to their cries of "Where's Yongguk/Himchan/Jongup-oppa?" 

Junhong was sprawled out in the very back, as usual. Daehyun and Youngjae could have each had their own row too if they'd wanted, but they'd sat beside each other in the middle. They hadn't been driving long before Youngjae spoke up.

"This doesn't feel right."

"It really doesn't," Daehyun agreed immediately. Junhong sat up a little straighter, pleased he hadn't had to say it first. 

"We could still go," he said. They both turned halfway around in their seats--Himchan would scold them if he were there--so they could all see each other.

"We don't want to get in the way, though," Daehyun pointed out. 

"We could wait downstairs or something."

"We could buy out the gift shop."

"I bet there's a cafeteria, we could stay there. At least we'd be close by, in case..."

"It's not like Himchan-hyung would _mind_."

Junhong saw Manager Kang in the front seat, head tilted just enough to betray that he was listening. 

"I mean, what are we gonna do instead, unpack?"

"Laundry," Youngjae said darkly. 

Daehyun and Junhong booed, and then Daehyun and Youngjae shared a quick silent conference, all significant looks and raised eyebrows and little head shakes. Junhong waited patiently. He'd let the hyungs do their thing first and if that didn't work, he'd play the maknae card.

"Hyung-nim?" Daehyun called up front, his voice honey-sweet. Kang grunted. "We were thinking, what if we went to the hospital too, instead of back to the dorm?"

"We weren't invited," Kang said flatly, not turning around. 

"We don't need to be _invited_ ," Daehyun said indignantly. "It's Himchan-hyung, we should all be there in case he needs us!" He'd dropped his wheedling tone. For all his and Himchan's bickering, they were as close as any two members of the group.

"He's right," Youngjae piped up. " _Still we are six,_ remember?"

The fans had latched onto the phrase, pasting it on signs all throughout the tour. It never failed to make Junhong feel stronger when he saw it. Kang was quiet for a minute. 

"We don't know how long it'll be," he warned them finally.

"We don't care!"

"Hospitals are uncomfortable."

"So are eighteen hour plane rides; we've had worse."

"If the Kim's ask us to leave, we'll leave. It will have been a wasted trip," Kang said. Daehyun rolled his eyes.

"Fine. They won't kick us out, but fine."

Kang sighed deeply. Daehyun raised both hands in triumph and Youngjae and Junhong bumped fists quietly. They were in. 

**

Yongguk had never seen Himchan so quiet. 

They were still waiting, him and Jongup and Himchan and Mina. Hana paced the halls restlessly. Her boyfriend sat across the hall and every time she passed him he offered her a sip of water from the bottle he was carrying. She couldn't seem to stop moving.

Himchan was perfectly still.

He had his arms folded tightly across his chest and was staring fixedly into space, a slight frown on his face. He'd refused to sleep, even when the others had promised to wake him the second there was news. He'd refused food, downing endless cups of coffee instead. 

Jongup sat on his other side, mimicking his posture, his shoulder pressed tightly against his. Every so often he'd cast a worried glance at him, and, sensing the attention, Himchan would try to smile at him. If his expression was any indication, Jongup wasn't fooled. 

Yongguk heard Hana give a sharp intake of breath and Himchan stood up suddenly as a doctor approached the group. 

"Your mother's out of surgery," he told them without preamble. "She's going to live. That's the good news." 

Hana reached out blindly and Himchan took her hand. Yongguk scooted over so he was next to Jongup. 

"The bad news, if you want to call it that, is there's still a great deal we don't know. We'll need to wait until she's conscious and healed enough from the surgery to test for the extent of any nerve damage and loss of motor control."

"How long will that be?" Hana asked tersely.

"It varies from patient to patient; it could be hours yet. Your father will be in with her shortly, as soon as they move her into recovery."

"And how long after she wakes up can they start testing for nerve damage?" Hana pressed.

"We'll need to see how she's feeling. We may not be able to start tests until tomorrow, other than a few preliminaries to see if she has sensation in the lower extremities." 

"And--do you have any idea of--of whether or not she will? Have--have sensation," Himchan stammered. Yongguk saw Jongup's hand squeeze his own knee tightly, and knew it was killing him not to be holding Himchan's hand right now. It was kind of killing Yongguk. He put his hand on the dancer's shoulder and squeezed that instead.

The doctor regarded Himchan kindly. "I'd rather not speculate," he said. "I'll caution you that with an injury as severe as your mother's, it's unlikely she'll be left with _no_ nerve damage at all, but it's just too soon to say how severe it might be. She may be able to continue to live her life in much the same as she did before the accident. And if not, people who suffer these sorts of injuries can still go on to have a very high quality of life. We'll just have to wait and see."

"You said our father's in with her?"

"He will be, shortly." The doctor smiled slightly. "He asked that I tell you both not to worry." 

"Can we go in too?" Himchan asked.

"We'll have someone come get you," the doctor promised. He checked his watch. "I know you must have a lot of questions, and we'll get you answers as soon as possible, but for now I'm afraid I need to get back."

"Of course," Hana said. The doctor hurried back through the swinging doors down the hall. They all stood in a cluster. Hana pressed her forehead to Sanghun's shoulder. Mina took Himchan's hand. Yongguk could feel Jongup stiffen beside him.

"She's alive," Mina told Himchan quietly. He nodded quickly. His eyes were very bright. His gaze found Yongguk's and Yongguk gave him a forceful nod. Himchan turned to Jongup. His free hand came up as if to reach for him and the dancer stepped closer. They looked at each other for a beat, communicating without speaking. 

Yongguk watched Mina watch this. He didn't know her well enough to read her expression, but he didn't see how anyone could miss the way his friends looked at each other. He thought about pulling one of them aside, warning them to be careful--but fuck it. Himchan needed all the comfort he could get right now. He needed Jongup. Yongguk wouldn't--no. _Mina_ wouldn't take that away from him. She didn't get to.

Sanghun pulled Hana away from the group so she could sit. Yongguk had known Himchan's sister for years and he'd never seen her so lost. She held Sanghun's hand as if it were the only thing anchoring her. 

It didn't escape Yongguk that Himchan couldn't take the same comfort from Jongup right now.

Before anyone could speak, there came a rabble of familiar voices from down the hall. Yongguk turned to find the three final members of B.A.P, aka the ones who were not supposed to be there, hurrying down the hall toward them, hissing and bickering at each other.

Himchan released Mina's hand when he saw them, and something lightened in his face. Daehyun and Youngjae were elbowing each other and clearly arguing as quietly as they could, which was not very. Junhong glided along behind them, towering over his hyungs, his big eyes solemn and worried. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders high as though he were trying to make himself smaller, like he didn't want to touch the walls. 

"Hyung!" Daehyun said, seeing Himchan and speeding up. He ignored the others and plowed right into Himchan, hugging him. Himchan staggered a little, but hugged him back. 

"What are you doing here?" he said as Youngjae hugged him, then Junhong.

"That's a rhetorical question, right?" Youngjae said.

"How's your mom, hyung?" Junhong asked. 

"We just heard, she's going to live," Himchan said. 

Then he burst into tears.

It hit him fast as a thunderclap, his face crumpling like a paper napkin. He covered it with both hands. 

To his shame, Yongguk froze. But Junhong was still close from having hugged his hyung last, and he didn't hesitate. He hugged him again, pulling Jongup in with one long arm so Himchan was sandwiched between them, Jongup's head coming to rest against his back. Yongguk could see the dancer's throat working. 

"Aw, hyung," Daehyun said, immediately joining the embrace, his own eyes spilling over almost instantly. Daehyun could never stand to see anyone cry.  Neither could Youngjae, for that matter, and Yongguk's paralysis finally broke as he allowed the younger vocalist to drag him into the hug too, so the group had Himchan surrounded and propped up, shielded on all sides.

Only Mina stood apart. For a moment, Yongguk had forgotten her. It was hard to see past his best friends; they filled a room, his brain, his heart. 

Himchan sniffled. "I'm being silly, it's good news--"

"You're not silly, hyung," Jongup's voice cut through the noises of dissent from all the members. "Exhausted, not silly."

After a long moment, they released him--all except for Jongup, who kept a hand on his shoulder and his eyes on his face. Himchan wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and then Mina was there, offering a tissue. He gave her a watery smile.

"Mina, these are my dongsaengs," he said with a hoarse laugh. The three newcomers seemed to notice her for the first time and there was a flurry of bows, apologies and introductions. She seemed a little flustered under the sudden attention and Yongguk gave Jongup a quick nod. 

"C'mon, let's splash your face," the dancer told Himchan in a low voice, leading him to the bathroom. Yongguk watched them go, a slight pang in his chest. He pushed it aside and pulled the maknae closer. 

"How'd you guys get Kang to let you come?" he asked. Their manager had been dead set against all of them going to the hospital--the press could get a hold of it and cause extra headaches for the Kims, fans might show up at the hospital and cause extra headaches for the staff, Himchan and his family deserved privacy, _yes, even from us, Youngjae-yah._ He'd been reluctant to even let Jongup go, but he knew as well as anyone that Jongup was Himchan's favorite, even if he didn't know the extent of it, and they'd worn him down on the flight home.  

"We just asked," Junhong said. "A few times." Then his chin lifted, a bit defiantly. "Then we said we'd just get a cab from the dorm if we had to."

Yongguk smiled, clapped him on the shoulder. 

"Good," he said.

**

"Splash," Jongup said, running the cold tap on the bathroom sink. Himchan's face was all blotchy, his eyes far away somehow. Still, he did as Jongup bid, flicking him half-heartedly with water when he came up for air. 

"You weren't very specific," he said. Jongup just drew him in and hugged him again, kissing him lightly across his face and neck. He wished he were tall, he wished he were _huge_ ; that he could envelop Himchan completely and protect him from everything sad and horrible in the world. 

"She'll be okay," he said quietly. Himchan clutched his shoulder. 

"We don't know--" he began, then couldn't go on.  Jongup tightened his grip. Himchan hated uncertainty. He also had an overactive imagination. Jongup could only guess at all the worst case scenarios he must be running through right now.

"You need to sleep," he told him. 

"I can't."

"You can try. I'll be your pillow."

"Mmm. That sounds nice. But we can't, not in front of--" Himchan didn't have to finish. There were too many options: _Mina, Hana, every random person who walks by._ Jongup wondered if any of them would even care. He wondered if _he'd_ care if they did. At the moment, he felt like he'd have sex with Himchan in front of a crowd of reporters and fans if it meant he could just hold his boyfriend's fucking hand in the hospital hallway. 

"I'm getting your shirt all wet."

Himchan hadn't dried his face before Jongup hugged him. 

"Not important." Jongup drew back slightly and studied him. His eyes were rimmed with red and set atop dark circles. His hair was a mess and he needed to shave. He was still in the hoodie he'd changed into for the hi-touch after the concert. It was all stretched out now. 

He was still so lovely he made Jongup's chest ache. 

"Please, hyung, you _have_ to sleep. I swear I'll wake you up the second anyone comes out," he pleaded. But Himchan just shook his head and smiled tiredly. He touched Jongup's cheek. 

"I'm okay, Jonguppie. I need to wait until I can see her," he said. A gulf stretched between them somehow, even though they were touching. The possibilities Himchan was facing...how could Jongup possibly hope to help? 

He suddenly wished Yongguk had come in with them. Yongguk would know what to do. Jongup was out of his depths. 

Plus, Mina. 

But he pushed thoughts of her away, pushed away the image of her holding Himchan's hand like she had every right. None of that mattered right now. 

"Well have you eaten anything?" he tried. Himchan smiled and rested his forehead against Jongup's.

"Don't worry," he said. 

"I _do_ worry."

The door creaked behind them and they moved apart, but it was just Yongguk. 

"They said they can take you in to see her," he told Himchan.

**

The woman lying on the bed was not his mother.

Himchan wanted to tell the nurse that she'd made a mistake, that this woman with the tubes coming out of her, with the sunken cheeks, not breathing so much as _gasping_ \--she couldn't possibly be his mother. Hana squeezed his hand painfully hard at the sight of her. 

Their father was there, sitting at the side of the bed, holding one of the woman's claw-like hands.

_Not her, not her, not her._

"Appa," Hana said, releasing Himchan. Their father rose, and again there must have been some mistake, because when had he grown old? It seemed somehow that the smile lines around his eyes had transferred to deep brackets around his mouth. The side of his face was mottled with bruises and he had a brace on one wrist. 

He held open his arms and Hana went to him, hugging him gently, carefully. Himchan held back. His exhaustion made everything strange. He didn't know this man.

But then he released Hana and said "Himchan," and it was him, it was his father. He went to him, staring over his shoulder at the woman on the bed who, no matter how long he looked, bore no resemblance to his mother.

**

Youngjae, Daehyun and Junhong went downstairs in search of snacks and presents. Jongup didn't join them, but paced the hall instead. Yongguk sat a few chairs down from Mina. 

She was watching Jongup. 

"Where's his girlfriend?" she asked abruptly.

"What?"

"Himchan was seeing someone, last time we talked. Are they still together? Why isn't she here?"

Yongguk looked down the hallway, wishing the others would come back and provide a distraction. But of course they'd just left a few minutes ago, and in a hospital this size he'd be lucky if he ever saw them again. 

He had to say something. He couldn't help Himchan's parents, couldn't make any of this easier, couldn't undo the accident or guarantee Mrs. Kim would ever walk again. 

But he could at least try to deflect Mina's questions. 

"Why do you care?" he said, watching Jongup too. It hurt, watching him. There was yet another person he couldn't help, another problem he couldn't fix. The dancer walked slowly, first one way down the hall, looking out windows as he passed, picking up the three-year-old magazines strewn about the waiting area, then he paced back, glancing at the vending machines and reading the various informative signs on the wall, as if any of them might hold the instructions to help Himchan in this impossible situation. 

"Himchan's my friend, of course I care," Mina said after a beat. 

"Are you still in love with him?" 

He hadn't meant to ask. He didn't want to talk to her more than was strictly necessary. But he didn't like the way she looked at Jongup, didn't like the way she spoke to Himchan like she was still a part of his life.

He could feel her eyes on him. 

"I'm not sure how that would be any of your business."

He couldn't help but snort softly, shaking his head. He debated how much to say, glancing over at her. She was still glaring at him.

"Your feelings aren't my business, but Himchan is. He doesn't need any distractions right now."

"Is that what happened to the girlfriend? _You_ decided she was a distraction? Exactly how much control do you think you should have over his life?" Mina's voice was quiet, but Yongguk could hear her anger. He had to bite down some of his own. Was that really what she thought of him? That he fancied himself in charge of every aspect of his bandmates' lives?

It was uncomfortable to be so misunderstood. 

"Himchan runs his own life. He's got a good thing going. Do you need someone to tell you you're in the way? Because he won't, but I will," he said. 

"If he has such a good thing going, why isn't she here?" Mina countered. Yongguk had to struggle not to roll his eyes. He remembered _this_ from the old days. Mina never could let a thing go. "Or is she?" she continued, more quietly. She was looking at Jongup again, then pointedly back at Yongguk. He just looked at her, hoping she couldn't sense the way his stomach dropped at her words.

_She knows. She_ knows. 

"We weren't sure what you wanted, so we got some of everything." Daehyun was suddenly there, flanked by the other two, all of them laden with bags from the gift shop. "Are you hungry?" he asked Mina politely, and all the distractionYongguk had been praying for was finally there. He let out a breath and let his dongsaengs crowd around them.

**

Himchan had been gone a while. 

Jongup wished he had something to do with his hands. Hell, he wished he had something to do with his whole body, just so long as it didn't require him to be anywhere else when Himchan came out. 

Unfortunately it was just a hallway with chairs. Options were limited.

"Hyung?" Junhong appeared at his shoulder, holding out a paper cup. "I got you a hot chocolate."

"Thanks." He took the cup and blew on the little hole in the lid. His friend didn't go back to the others. "What do you think's happening in there?" Jongup asked after a minute. 

"It's his first time seeing his dad, right?" Junhong said. Jongup nodded. That was something. At least Mr. Kim was awake. If anyone could reassure Himchan right now it would be his father, wouldn't it? "So that'll help..." Junhong continued. 

"I hope so. _I_ can't do anything." Jongup could hear the bitterness in his own voice. Junhong frowned down at him. 

"You're helping," he said. "You're _here_. We're all helping."

Jongup squinted at him. "You sound very sure," he observed. The maknae nodded. 

"Himchan hyung loves us," he said. "He just needs to know we love him too. That we've got his back whatever happens."

There was probably something to that. 

His gaze landed on Mina and he was surprised to find she was looking at him. She blushed a little when their eyes met and she looked away. Junhong followed Jongup's gaze.

"So that's her, huh?"

"Apparently." 

"What's she doing here?"

Jongup shrugged and took a sip of his hot chocolate, then grimaced. Trust a hospital to fuck up hot chocolate.

"She's an old friend of the family."

Junhong regarded him seriously. "Want me to scare her off?"

"Scare her off?"

"Yeah."

"How would you do that, exactly?" Jongup couldn't think of many people less intimidating than Choi Junhong. It was his eyes. He was basically a woodland creature out of a Disney film.

"I'm quite tall."

"You're quite mental."

"Mental is scary."

"You can't scare her off. You _can_ sit on Himchan hyung when he gets home if he keeps refusing to sleep."

"Deal." They bumped fists to make it official. 

The swinging doors opened to discharge Himchan. He was alone, and pale. Jongup and Junhong each took him by one of his shoulders; he didn't seem especially steady.

"Hyung?" Jongup said. Himchan looked at him and for a frightening moment, he wasn't there; his gaze was an uncomprehending blank. Then he blinked, and was back. He reached up and took Jongup's hand off his shoulder, holding it absently. 

"I just came out to say you guys can go home," he said. 

"What's happening?" Yongguk came up beside them, the others trailing behind uncertainly, giving them space. 

"Nothing, she's still unconscious. We're gonna stay until she wakes up; there's no need for you all to keep waiting."

"You need to get some rest," Mina spoke up, her voice soft but firm. When Jongup looked at her, she was looking at his hand in Himchan's. 

"I can rest in there," Himchan said. "Appa's up, and Hana's in there, and just--we're gonna wait."

"We can wait too, then," Jongup said, and the others nodded. But Himchan just shook his head and looked at Yongguk.

"Are you sure?" the rapper asked quietly. Himchan nodded. 

"I'll call if anything happens," he said. 

Jongup looked pleadingly at his leader, willing him to refuse, but Yongguk held Himchan's gaze and didn't spare a glance for the dancer. Finally he nodded. 

"We love you," he said. 

It wasn't something they said often away from the cameras and fans. It just _was_ : definite and understood and immutable. For a minute, Jongup thought Himchan was going to cry again, but he just nodded.

"I'll call you," he said. "Thank you all for..." he trailed off. That was okay; they got it. Mina gave him a hug.

"Call if you need _anything_ ," she whispered fiercely, releasing him. Jongup stood off to the side, shifting from foot to foot, clenching and unclenching his fists. Daehyun put a hand on his shoulder. Looked at his face. Took his hand off. 

The members murmured their goodbyes as Mina picked up her things and tossed out empty coffee cups and crumpled food wrappers by the chairs they'd been occupying. Jongup wished she would move faster.

The others drifted back to the chairs, leaving him with Himchan and Yongguk. 

"Be careful," the rapper said in a low voice, casting a glance at Mina. Jongup caught his meaning immediately. He'd seen the way she was watching them all day.

He just didn't really care.

Himchan didn't seem to be listening. 

"Hold on." He left them and went to Sanghun, who was just coming out of the bathroom. They spoke in low voices for a minute, then the older man nodded and sat back down in his seat. He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes, clearly settling in for the long haul. 

Jongup wanted to hit something. This wasn't _fair_. Sanghun could stay and no one would question it, but if Jongup tried he'd have to worry about what to say to Kang, how it would look to Mina and to the Kims. 

Himchan returned to him and Yongguk. "Sorry, I should get back," he said. He nudged Jongup, his dark eyes probing his face. Jongup tried to smile. It wasn't Himchan's fault. 

"Try to sleep," he urged. "And call if--anything. I--" He stopped, helpless, the words choking him. Somehow he still couldn't say _I love you_ in front of Yongguk, even though there was no chance he didn't already know.

"I promise," Himchan said. "I'll see you later." And he was gone again, unreachable through the damned swinging doors.

**

Hana was curled up in one of the armchairs next to the bed when he returned. She looked about to pass out; she was blinking very slowly. 

Himchan settled in the seat next to his father. It was still hard to look at his mother. He tried to breathe in time with the beeping of one of the machines. It was a little soothing, actually. He thought he might actually be able to sleep. That would make Jongup happy. 

He barely noticed at first when his father began talking. His voice was so quiet it was hard to hear over the _hum-beep-buzzing_ of all the machines in the room. 

"We just wanted to listen to some music."

"What?" Himchan looked at him. His father was staring fixedly at his wife. 

"Your mother got one of those, I don't know, one of those cords to hook up a phone to the speakers. Said it would be easier than looking for a CD while I was driving."

"That's--advanced for her," Himchan said. It was something of a family joke how resistant his mother was to new technology. She'd put off getting a cell phone as long as possible, and had only just gotten rid of her ancient flip phone over the hiatus when Himchan had moved home temporarily and been shocked to see her using such a relic. 

"Oh, she's very happy with the smart phone now," his father said mildly. "She promised to show me how to get music on mine through the car, and--something about radio shows, I don't know. There was a pothole in the road, one of those wide ones, I couldn't go around it--she dropped the phone while she was hooking it up."

Himchan could see the scene. His parents would be laughing, bickering good-naturedly. She would have been teasing him about his driving, he'd have called her clumsy. They had been flirting and teasing each other all Himchan's life. When he was younger he'd found it embarrassing, before he was old enough to understand how rare their marriage was. 

"It fell on my side, and I was afraid it would slide up under the pedals. We both tried to grab it. I must have...looked down just as the light changed."

His father's throat worked. Himchan forced himself not to look away. 

"It wasn't your fault, Appa. Accidents happen," he said. His father brushed a tear away absently. 

"She'll be all right," he murmured. Himchan wasn't sure he even remembered Himchan was there. "She's strong." He sighed deeply. "May you never learn what it is to not be able to protect the people you need to."

Himchan took his hand, and together they waited.

**

Jongup was absolutely, completely, 100% positive there was no way he was going to sleep that night right up until the moment his phone rang and woke him up. 

He fumbled around the floor; he'd passed out on the couch. Finally he found it, and was relieved to see Himchan's name on the screen.

"Hello? Hyung?" he said a bit groggily. 

"Ah, I didn't want to wake you."

"No--I wasn't--it's not--what time is it?" Jongup said, incredibly smoothly. Himchan laughed a little. 

"Early, it's only six."

Jongup pushed himself up on the couch and rubbed at his eyes as they adjusted to the dim light of the common room. Then he padded down the hall to Himchan and Yongguk's room. Yongguk had asked to be woken if Himchan called.

The rapper was sprawled out on his bed, on top of his sheets and blankets. Jongup sat gingerly on the edge of his mattress and nudged his foot a few times. 

"Did you sleep at all?" He jostled Yongguk harder until he sputtered and blinked over at him, sitting up when he saw the phone at his ear. He hit the speaker button so they could both hear. Yongguk rested an elbow on his shoulder, biting at his thumb nail. He looked as dazed and exhausted as Jongup felt.

"Some, off and on. Enough I feel almost human again."

He did sound more himself, even through the tinny phone speaker. "How's your mom?" Jongup asked. 

"She woke up," Himchan said. 

"Really? That's gr--"

"I mean she opened her eyes for a minute. She was still pretty out of it, they said the anesthesia might hit her harder because she's older."

"She didn't say anything?" 

"I think she saw that my dad was there, but that was about it. There are nurses in and out of her room every few minutes now so they must be expecting her to wake up again soon."

"Where are you now?"

"Just came outside for a little fresh air. I wanted to hear your voice."

Jongup shifted a little, looked sideways at Yongguk. The rapper reached out and pressed the speakerphone button, rendering the call private again. Jongup gave him a grateful smile and stood, returning to the common room.

"I'm glad you did," he said. "I'll come back to the hospital today."

"Jonguppie, you don't have to do that. I'll barely even be around."

"That's okay. I'll be there if you need anything."

"And what'll you tell Kang?" Himchan asked reasonably. Jongup huffed a little. He didn't feel like being reasonable. Or rather, he didn't like the kind of reasonable he was being asked to be, the kind of reasonable that felt completely _wrong_ and stupid.

"I'll tell him my hyung needs some fucking support and I'm gonna be there for him," he snapped. Himchan was quiet. Jongup sighed. "Sorry, just...Sanghun got to stay."

"I know."

"I should be there with you."

"You always are."

They were quiet for a minute. Jongup could hear the sounds of early morning traffic through the phone, and, occasionally, birds. 

"I should go back in," Himchan said finally. "I love you."

"I love you so much. Call me whenever."

"Okay."

He sat with his phone held loosely in his hand after they hung up. Yongguk joined him a minute later. 

"We can go to the hospital later," he said. Jongup nodded. 

"I hate that we can't _do_ anything," he burst out. 

"Me too."

"Do you really think Mina knows?"

Yongguk paused, then he nodded. That's what Jongup thought. 

"What do you think she'll do?"

Yongguk thought so long Jongup almost fell asleep again waiting. Then the rapper shook his head slowly.

"I really don't know."

**

"Eunji?" Himchan's father perched on the edge of the bed, his wife's hand in his. "Can you hear me?"

Her mouth worked. Himchan could see her eyes moving beneath their lids. The doctor gave his father an encouraging nod and he tried again.

"Eunji, we're all here. Me and Hana and Himchan. Can you open your eyes?"

She grunted a little, then, slowly, her eyes cracked open. Hana took Himchan's hand. Their mother's eyes opened further, her gaze finding her husband. She blinked up at him a few times and then murmured something he had to lean in to catch.

"What'd she say?" Hana asked. When he stood up again, their father was smiling. 

"She said, next time we'll stick to the radio," he said. A smile ghosted on their mother's face, and for the first time since he'd entered the hospital room, Himchan recognized her.


	13. Chapter 13

**Week Twenty-Seven**

 

"All right, Eunji, now just squeeze the ball as hard as you can for me, all right?"

Himchan's mother gave the doctor an arch look, then did as she was bid, her right hand closing slowly around the squishy red ball she'd been given. She winked at Himchan as she did so.

"They must know I was always good at this," she said. He laughed, scandalized.

"Eomma!"

"I'm just saying, I was a ball-buster in my youth," she went on placidly. 

"Oh my god. You're lucky Appa isn't here, his head would explode."

"Dear, I could tell you a thing or two about your father that would make _your_ head explode."

"That's very good," the doctor interrupted, smiling at the pair of them. "Now squeeze and _hold_ , Eunji, as long as you can."

His mother continued to smile, but Himchan could see the strain in both her eyes and the shaking of her hand. 

But at least she had use of her hands. 

Himchan had never had cause to really think about how the spine affected every part of the body before. The past two weeks had been illuminating. He'd learned everything he could. There was lots of waiting time in the hospital, and there was plenty to do with it once he decided all the "No Cell Phones" signs were just for show, and as long as he wasn't talking loudly on his, no one cared too much if he used it. He's mostly used it for research. 

"Aren't you just freaking yourself out?" Daehyun had asked, last time he took a shift with him. All of the members had been taking turns the past two weeks hanging out with him in the hospital while his mother rested between physical therapy sessions.

At first, it had been Jongup all the time, but Himchan had taken Yongguk aside and asked that he make sure the younger man wasn't exhausting himself. They _were_ about to start a promotion cycle, after all; it was bad enough Himchan was barely around. He was grateful to Yongguk for taking care of Jongup while he couldn't, though he hadn't missed the baleful look Jongup had given the rapper the day before when he came to hang out and insisted the younger go back to the dorm. 

But for once, Himchan didn't have the energy to worry about the group. He hadn't slept in a bed since the accident, passing out in hospital chairs or Yongguk's tent in the studio instead. He went straight from the hospital to whatever location needed him for a practice, appearance or interview, then straight back again. For the first time in his life, he resented B.A.P's schedule and activities.

"I'd rather know as much as possible," he'd told Daehyun. 

What he knew for sure was this: she'd been lucky. She could have been left paralyzed from the neck down. But she still had use of her hands, though she would need physical therapy. 

They still couldn't say if she would walk again. 

She had sensation in her legs and feet, but her motor control had been badly damaged. Physical therapy might help, eventually. In the meantime, the doctors had suggested some good wheelchairs.

Himchan's father slipped into the room and bowed to the doctor. 

"Mina's here to see you," he told his wife. She brightened. Himchan studiously avoided her eyes as she tried to meet his. 

"She's so sweet to visit so often," she said. "Don't you think, Himchan-ah?"

"Mm," he said noncommittally. Of course it was sweet, but he would never give his mother the satisfaction--or false hope--of saying so. 

Instead, he checked his watch and grimaced. "I actually need to go," he said, standing. He'd missed the last two group vocal practices. Everyone was being very understanding, but he needed some solo practice time. He leaned over to kiss his mother on the cheek. "I'll be back later."

She waved her free hand--a jerky, laborious motion, but she was already stronger than she'd been a week ago. "I'll be asleep later," she said. "You should go sleep in your own bed for once. I'll still be here tomorrow, I suspect."

Himchan shrugged and looked at his father. "I'll be back later."

Mina was out in the hall with a book when he exited. 

"Hey," Himchan greeted her. She looked up and smiled when she saw him. 

"How is she?" 

"Almost done with her session, Appa'll come get you when she's done. She's happy you're here."

"And what about you?"

Himchan blinked. "Am I--happy you're--?"

She laughed and flushed a little, "No, I mean--are you leaving?"

"Oh. Yeah, I need to get to the studio for a few hours."

Mina frowned a little. "When's the last time you got a good night's sleep?"

Himchan kicked at her lightly. "Just because Eomma's out of commission doesn't mean her job's up for grabs," he joked. 

"Smooth deflection," Mina said, rolling her eyes. 

"Anyway, I need to--"

"I need to talk to you about something," Mina interrupted. "Not, like, right now or anything, but soon?"

_Be careful,_ Yongguk had said. Himchan hadn't been paying very close attention at the time, but he thought it had something to do with Mina. Somehow the salient details were escaping him. 

"Of course," he said. "I'm here every day."

**

It was late, but Jongup couldn't sleep. He left Youngjae snoring quietly across the room and made his way to the kitchen. The dorm was silent. Everyone was asleep except him. 

And Himchan, because he wasn't there.

Jongup had been trying very hard not to let it bother him. In the two weeks since the accident and his boyfriend was trying his damnedest to be there for his family and for the group. This left him with very little time for Jongup, or, it seemed, for sleeping or eating. 

And Yongguk had been keeping Jongup away from the hospital. 

It made no sense. He muttered something about Jongup needing rest--as if it were him that were hurt or something. He didn't seem to care about the special circumstances, or Jongup's proven ability to sleep wherever he could lay his head, be it his own pillow or a couch backstage or, yes, even a horribly uncomfortable hospital chair. Yongguk wouldn't budge, and seemed to actually be scheduling Jongup's time so that he could only make it to the hospital once or twice a week. He'd had to settle for seeing Himchan during his too-brief sojourns to the studio for practice, and then there were always so many people around they couldn't manage more than a press of the hand and a significant Look.

It wasn't enough. His inability to help gnawed at him like a sore tooth. He'd never felt so at odds with Yongguk, and between that and Himchan's continued absence, he felt off-balanced and fretful. 

He poured himself a glass of water, and promptly almost spilled it all over himself when the door opened behind him and his boyfriend came in. 

Himchan looked nearly as startled to see him as Jongup was to see him--or at least he managed an exhausted facsimile of surprise. They had seen each other in the practice studio hours before; Jongup had gotten the same update on his mother as everyone else had. But they hadn't had a moment to themselves. 

Himchan kicked off his shoes silently, deposited his backpack on the couch. Then he joined Jongup in the kitchen doorway, slipping an arm around his waist as Jongup passed him his glass of water. He seemed to be breathing easier all of a sudden with Himchan there. 

His boyfriend drank half of the water while Jongup drank him in, studying the persistent circles under his eyes, the new hollows in his cheeks. Himchan saw him frowning and pressed a thumb gently to the crease between his eyebrows. Jongup took the glass from him and set it behind the counter, then looped his arms loosely around the other man's waist. For a moment they were still, just breathing each other in. Himchan's hand toyed lazily with the hair at the nape of Jongup's neck, prickling him with gooseflesh.

He made no conscious decision to kiss him; he was simply pulled into his orbit, their lips brushing lightly against each other until, abruptly, there was nothing gentle about it. 

Himchan's hand held Jongup's head in place--as if he had any urge to move--and the kiss turned harsh, bruising, needy. Jongup pressed against him in turn, holding his face in both hands, wanting him as close as he could get him. Himchan pressed him into the door frame, one hand going to the small of his back and drawing him in. 

Jongup's hands went to Himchan's shoulders and he frowned into the kiss when he felt the tightness there. He pushed against him and after a beat Himchan let him walk him to the bathroom. 

Hot water would help. 

They parted long enough to shed their t-shirts and Jongup turned on the shower, pushing the knob left to let the hot water run. In the meantime, they reconnected with increasing urgency, Himchan pushing Jongup against the wall. He gasped and arched his back as bare skin touched cold tile. He pushed his chest against Himchan's, which was warm and firm and _fuck_ he'd missed him. 

He fumbled with the other man's belt while Himchan untied his pajama pants' drawstring and pushed the offending garment down. Then he pulled him into the shower, which was hot enough the room was already getting steamy. 

The water woke Jongup up a little and he pulled away. Himchan tried to chase his lips but he dodged, smiling, dropping kisses along the other man's shoulder and turning him around. Himchan resisted until he understood his intention, then his shoulders went slack as Jongup began to massage them carefully, letting Himchan stand under the spray of the water. Jongup alternated rubbing his shoulders and massaging his scalp--he'd been frowning like he had a headache. 

Jongup kissed the back of his neck and felt him relax against his chest. He dropped his hands down from his hair to circle his waist, then paused there uncertainly. There were a few things he'd love to do with Himchan in the shower, but he knew how exhausted the other man must be, and he wanted him to rest more than anything else. 

Himchan's hands found his and their fingers linked together. Jongup kissed his shoulder again, the skin hot and so smooth under his lips. He could just hear Himchan hum quietly over the noise of the water, and then he was turning in his arms and capturing his lips again and all thoughts of restraint flew out of his head. The water made him feel like they were melting into each other. Himchan's tongue was hot in his mouth and he tasted like sweet coffee. Jongup never liked coffee so much as when he was tasting it on Himchan. 

They didn't speak; not when Jongup broke away long enough to get the shampoo and massage it into Himchan's hair; not when they both lathered up with soap, laughing into each other's mouths as they brushed against ticklish spots and strained to reach their lower extremities without losing contact. Not when Jongup knelt in front of Himchan and laved a path along his inner thigh before taking him in his mouth, and certainly not when, a few minutes later, Himchan raised him back to his feet and pressed him against the shower wall, kissing the taste of himself out of his mouth before repaying him in kind.

The hot water was all but gone when they finished. Jongup pulled his pajamas back on while Himchan wrapped a towel around his waist and went to his room. He was back a minute later, cozy in a pair of loose pajama pants and a soft t-shirt. He joined Jongup on the couch, leaning back against his chest. Jongup wrapped his arms and legs around him like a sloth and felt him laugh. He tugged at his shirt.

"Isn't this mine?"

Himchan turned his head partway to see him. "Do you want it back?"

Jongup tightened his grip. "Nuh uh." He liked seeing Himchan in something of his. They all shared clothes fairly indiscriminately, but somehow it never gave him the same warm fuzzies to see anyone else in his things. 

It occurred to him that Himchan hadn't slept in his own bed--or any bed, for that matter--in weeks. He debated the merits of his bed versus Himchan's. Yongguk and Youngjae were both there, and probably neither would mind; it wasn't exactly unprecedented for the couple to share a bed to sleep. One thing was for sure; Jongup wasn't letting him sleep alone tonight. 

"Which bed?" he murmured. 

"Mmm. Neither. Right here," Himchan mumbled. Jongup smiled against his hair, which was still wet and sweet-smelling from his shampoo. 

"You'd be more comfortable in your room."

"I'm very comfortable. Or am I hurting you?" Himchan made to get up suddenly, but Jongup had a very secure grip on him. 

"Of course not."

"Then here," Himchan insisted. Jongup wriggled a little further down on the couch so his head was resting on a pillow. 

"Okay."

**

When he woke up, Himchan was gone.

**

The hospital was just waking up when Himchan got there. He was starting to learn the rhythms of the place, not to mention his way around (which took longer than seemed logical; seriously who had planned the layout?). 

He felt buoyed for the first time in a week. His skin still thrummed with Jongup; he fancied he could still feel him pressed against him. 

It should have been awkward, sleeping on him like that, but it was unquestionably the first comfort Himchan had allowed himself since the accident. It had been almost painful to leave him, but he'd known if he woke up him up, he'd never get out the door.

Now he practically had a bounce to his step. He wasn't due at the studio for hours. He liked being there during his mother's physical therapy sessions, ever since his father told him she didn't get as frustrated with him there. 

Himchan knew she wasn't quite as cheerful as she acted in front of him and Hana. How could she be? She was in pain and there was still so much uncertainty as to how much function of her legs she would ever regain. She needed daily therapy sessions just to use her hands. It was enough to frustrate a far more patient person than his mother. 

He'd taken to smuggling in small treats for her, to giving her sips of his coffee or bits of his food when the nurses weren't looking (after extensive research to be sure none of it would actually arrest her recovery, of course). His mother always enjoyed covert ops. 

He made for the coffee kiosk and then wandered upstairs. He was too early, really; he'd gotten to know some of the night nurses and they didn't mind him staying late, but the morning shift seemed to take visiting hours very seriously. 

He smiled brightly at the young woman at the desk he passed going into his mother's ward. She just nodded at him sternly. That was all right. She'd be singing a different tune in a few hours; no one could resist the Kim charms for long. 

He took a seat on what he had scientifically determined to be the least uncomfortable of all the chairs, and took out his phone, resigned to going over his lines for practice that afternoon. 

He hadn't gotten far when someone said, "You're here early."

He looked up to find Mina standing over him. He blinked. " _You're_ here early," he countered. 

"I told your dad I'd drop off this book," she said, pulling a thick tome out of her bag. "It's about how to support a loved one who suffers a spinal injury; it's supposed to be really good. I thought it might help." She took the seat next to him and he took the book, thumbing through the pages idly. 

"I should read it," he murmured. 

"In all your free time?" Mina said, nudging him. He shrugged. "I'm surprised you've been able to be here as much as you have."

"Of course I'm here." He frowned at her a little. "The others have been covering for me."

She nodded thoughtfully and chewed on her thumbnail for a minute. Himchan put down the book and regarded her.

"You said you wanted to talk to me about something," he recalled.

"Are you still seeing someone?" she asked abruptly. Himchan paused. He could see how this conversation would go. If he said yes, she'd ask why his girlfriend hadn't been to the hospital yet. Or he could say no, they'd broken up. Either way, he'd have to lie. 

He was sick of lying.

"Yes," he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Why hasn't she been here? Why doesn't your family know about it? It's been--I mean, we talked about it almost six _months_ ago."

Himchan gave a start and did some quick math in his head. Shit. _Shit_. He was usually better at this stuff. 

Mina was still waiting for him to say something. 

"It's a long story," he muttered, still cursing his own carelessness.

"Himchan."

"Mmm?" He forced his attention back to her and found her frowning at him. "Sorry, what?"

"Is it--possible--" she said slowly. "That they _have_ been here?"

Himchan blinked a few times and remembered that Mina had always seen through any lie he tried to tell her. 

"I guess anything's possible," he said finally. She seemed to shrink a bit. 

"Moon Jongup," she said. 

Even though he'd half expected it, he felt the air whoosh out of his lungs. He couldn't read her face. He felt frozen. 

"You should probably breathe sometime soon," Mina said. Ah, that was what was missing: oxygen. He took a gulping breath and looked away. 

"How did you know?"

"It might be the way hearts and rainbows shoot out of your eyes every time you look at him," Mina said dryly. 

"That's not true."

She scoffed. "He's just as bad. He looks at you and forgets to blink."

He wanted to smile at that. Jongup was so intense sometimes it made him blush. But he couldn't very well go giggling at how cute his boyfriend was without proving Mina's point.

"My family doesn't know," he said to his lap, turning serious. 

"I kind of figured."

He forced himself to look at her squarely. "Are you going to--"

"What? Tattle on you?" She gave him a disappointed look. "Give me some credit, Himchan."

He swallowed his relief. "You sound mad."

"I'm not _mad._ " She sounded mad. Himchan couldn't help but care. He hated having anyone angry at him. "Why didn't you say anything?" Mina muttered. Himchan raised his eyebrows at her.

"Aside from the obvious reasons? Also, actually, I _did._ I _told_ you I was seeing someone, I'm sorry if you thought--" She looked at him sharply and he swallowed the rest of his sentence before it could poison the air between them any further. 

Too late.

"If I thought what?" she practically spit. He took a steadying breath. 

"You've been around a lot lately," he said evenly, meeting her eyes. "I know my mother's been pushing us at each other, I'm sorry if you thought something was going to happen."

"Oh, for-- _fuck's_ sake, Himchan. I've been _around_ because I moved back to the country. I've been _here_ because I love your parents, despite their terrible judgement in spawning _you_. At most you've been my--my backup plan."

"Your _backup_ \--"

"I hate dating, it's a pain in the ass. And I knew--well, I _thought_ \--no one else would have you, so if I ever got desperate--"

Himchan burst out laughing. It was more a release of tension than actual amusement, but still. Mina looked outraged for a beat, then she seemed to relax. A smile played around her lips. 

"You still think you're a catch, don't you," she muttered, shaking her head. Himchan tamped down on his laughter and smiled at her. 

"Have you _seen_ me?"

"Whatever. It's all makeup and lighting."

"No it isn't." He softened a little. "Sorry I can't be your backup," he said quietly. Her smile faded. 

"I'm just--" She shook her head and looked away. "Were you always? I mean, while we were--" She couldn't finish. 

"No." That much reassurance he could at least provide. "He's the first guy I've ever--"

"Huh." Mina crossed her arms and took this in. She cast Himchan a sidelong glance. "Look, don't take this the wrong way, okay? I can...feel something about this without it meaning I actually wanted to get back together. You were my first love, that's all."

"You were mine too."

"Hmmph." They were quiet for a minute. "I mean. He seems like a good kid," she offered.

"He's twenty-two, he's not a _kid._ "

" _Christ_ , Himchan, I'm trying to be _nice,_ can you just--"

"Fine, fine." 

They glared at each other for a minute, then Mina snorted. 

"What?"

"I'm just--I bet there's a ton of movies about this. The girl who's boyfriend falls in love with a guy as soon as they break up. You've made me into a cliche."

" _As soon as_ we broke up--five years later, Mina."

She made a scoffing sound. "Five years, please. You've known him that long. What, did it just hit you all of a sudden?"

"It felt like it."

They sat quietly for another minute. "You really won't say anything?" Himchan asked finally. 

"Don't be stupid. Who else knows, anyway?"

"Just the other members."

"Yongguk knows?"

"Don't start in on Yongguk now," Himchan warned. 

"I wasn't going to, I'm just surprised."

"You don't know him."

"I guess no--shit, is Jongup--like, was he pissed to see me here?" she asked. "Does he know about us?"

"He knows." It felt surprisingly nice to talk about it. "He wasn't that happy when I first told him about it, but everything's fine now."

"I would have thought he'd be here with you more."

"He wanted to, but--I don't want him to wear himself out, you know? We still have full schedules, and he dances and does a lot of the vocal work now, and--he doesn't need anything else on his plate."

"Wow," Mina said. "You're really stupid."

"What?"

She was smiling at him, but he could see she was serious. 

"If he's worth the way you feel about him he wouldn't mind having this on his plate. He should want to support you."

"He does!" Himchan hurried to defend him. "I--asked Yongguk to keep him away."

Mina rolled his eyes. "You were always so bad at accepting anyone's help," she said irritably. "Who ever told you you had to do everything yourself?"

"I don't want to be a burden."

"You're an idiot."

"So you're really grieving the loss of me as your backup plan, huh."

"I may just get some plants instead."

"You really know how to make a guy feel special."

**

_i need to talk to you about something later_

Jongup worried at his lower lip while he stared at the text from Himchan. 

Himchan, who'd skipped practice again. Who hadn't fought Yongguk to let Jongup be with him at the hospital in weeks. Who'd fucked him and then left without a word that morning. He hadn't even left a note. And now this.

Someone bumped his shoulder. "What's the matter with you?" Daehyun asked, collapsing on the studio floor next to him and passing over a half-empty water bottle. 

"Nothing," Jongup muttered, tucking his phone away. He didn't want to say what he was thinking. He didn't want to be _thinking_ what he was thinking. Daehyun's eyes followed his movement and he turned serious. 

"Himchan hyung's staying at the hospital?"

"Yeah. I guess. I don't really know."

"How come you don't know?"

Jongup just shrugged. Himchan had been shutting him out since the accident. He'd thought the night before meant things could get back to normal, but now--now he wondered if Himchan had been thinking something totally different.

"Jongup-ah? Are you okay?"

He looked at Daehyun and tried to smile. "Uh huh," he lied. 

_Later_ , Himchan had said. He'd know if he was really okay later.

**

It was late by the time Himchan got back to the dorm. His errands had taken longer than expected, but that was all right. He'd found what he wanted, eventually.

He was relieved to find Jongup was still up, tucked into the corner of the couch with his iPad, playing some game. He looked up when Himchan came in. His expression seemed strained, but maybe it was just how long it had been since Himchan had seen him in his glasses. 

"Hi," he said, toeing off his shoes and dumping his bags on the end of the couch.

"Hi." Jongup put the iPad down. Himchan collapsed on the couch facing him, and tilted his head.

"You okay?" he said. Jongup just nodded. 

"How's your mom?"

He paused, pulling his knees up to his chest and looping his arms around them. "She's...I don't know. She was frustrated today. She's so impatient, her physical therapist isn't letting her progress as quickly as she thinks she should. Of course she thinks she knows best." He shook his head a little, cast a quick glance up at Jongup to gauge his reaction. 

Mina's words had played in his mind all day. Maybe he'd made the wrong call, keeping Jongup away from the hospital. But sometimes he felt if there wasn't one part of his life untouched by the accident, he'd scream at the unfairness of it all. Jongup was his refuge. 

Except it felt kind of nice to talk to him about it now. He was going to be very annoyed if Mina turned out to be right. 

"She's not in as much pain?" Jongup asked quietly. Himchan shook his head.

"I mean, a lot still, obviously, but it's more...like the signals don't reach her legs the way they used to. She has to relearn how to use her own body, and of course it's awful. I don't think I was much help today."

"I'm sure it meant a lot you were there," Jongup said. Himchan just nodded.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," he said. 

"I know." Jongup looked almost nervous. "I think I know what you wanted to say."

"You do?" 

He nodded. Himchan shook his head. "I'm sorry, Jonguppie. I'm usually better about this stuff, I just--"

"It's okay, you don't have to say it."

He stopped and stared at the dancer, who was studiously avoiding his eyes. 

"I don't?"

Jongup's eyes flickered to his and away again. "It's fine. I know you have so much going on right now, it doesn't make sense to have to worry about anything else."

Himchan tried to follow what he was saying. 

"I wouldn't say it was a worry," he said. "I just felt bad that I forgot."

Jongup frowned. "Forgot?"

Himchan nodded and leaned back to pull over the extra bag he'd been carrying. He took out the small box. "I know our sixth month isn't as big a deal as a year," he said, holding out the box to his boyfriend. "And I'm a week late. But--happy anniversary anyway?" He smiled, though he was confused at Jongup's expression. He was staring completely blankly at the box. 

"You're not breaking up with me?" the dancer said. Himchan almost dropped his present.

" _What_?"

"I thought--I thought you were gonna say we should take a break for a while," Jongup said. Himchan stared at him. 

"I don't--why would you think that?" he asked, bewildered. Jongup gave a one-shouldered shrug.

"It seemed like--you didn't really want me around, or--you have so much going on, I just thought--"

Himchan groaned. Mina had been right. He really was an idiot. 

"Fuck. Jongup-ah, no. Fuck. I'm sorry." He scooted closer to him on the couch, hating the wary look on the other man's face. He reached for his hand and was relieved when Jongup let him take it. "Mina was right about me; I'm a moron. She knows about us, by the way."

Jongup's eyes widened. "Like--"

"Like that I'm in love with you, yeah," Himchan said. "Anyway, that's not important."

"It seems _kind of_ important--"

"Jongup--did you really think I didn't want to be with you anymore?" Because no matter how dumb he'd been with his stupid attempts at self-sufficiency, Himchan couldn't imagine not wanting to be with Jongup. It simply wasn't a thing that would happen. 

"We haven't had a chance to talk so much lately, and when you left this morning..."

"Okay." Himchan stood up and pushed Jongup's legs out in front of him so he could sit in his lap, staring sternly into his handsome face. "I left without waking you up today because if you'd been up, there'd be no way I could leave you. And...yeah, I've been busy, but..." He groped for words. Fuck. Why was this so hard? He always had words.

Jongup leaned his head back on the arm of the couch, studying him. "Did you tell Yongguk hyung to keep me away from the hospital?" he asked quietly. Himchan suddenly found it hard to meet his gaze, looking at their linked hands instead. He nodded. 

"I don't--actually know what I'm doing," he admitted finally. "I've never--it's the worst thing that's ever happened to my family. I guess I--felt like the strong thing to do was...to not burden you with it. Maybe that was stupid," he added hastily when Jongup opened his mouth to speak. The dancer frowned.

"It is stupid. You're not a _burden_." He sat up and wrapped one arm around Himchan's waist, holding him a little closer. "I don't know what I'm doing either, you know."

Himchan lifted Jongup's hand and pressed his lips against his palm.  Jongup's expression softened. 

"How bad is it that Mina knows?" he asked. 

"She won't say anything."

"Was she upset?"

"A little, at first. I think she was afraid I was using her all those years we were together. I told her there was never anyone before you. Anyway, she slipped right into giving me relationship advice and telling me all the ways I was fucking up. I'm so mad she was right."

Jongup laughed a little. "She knows you."

Himchan nodded. "Not as well as you do, but--yeah."

Jongup shook his head, smiling more broadly. "Six months?" he said suddenly. "I forgot, too."

"Oh!" Himchan brightened, groping around the couch for the dropped box. "Here, this is why I was late tonight."

Jongup took the box from him and looked at it a bit dubiously. Himchan was suddenly nervous. What if he didn't like it?

"It's nothing much," he said. Jongup raised an eyebrow at him and opened the box. He stared inside it for a minute. "It's--you don't have to wear it if you don't want to," Himchan said. Jongup took the ring out of the box and examined it. It was simple silver; Himchan didn't think he should go for anything too attention-grabbing. 

Jongup still hadn't said anything. Maybe he hated it. Was it too couple-y for six months? Granted, they hadn't exactly followed the normal relationship trajectory, having lived together for so long before they became a couple. After everything they'd been through, Himchan rather thought they could probably skip some of the early relationship steps.

But judging from Jongup's silence, maybe not. 

"Are you asking me to marry you?" the dancer said finally. Himchan sputtered for a minute before he saw the way Jongup was biting his lip. He punched his shoulder.

"I thought you were serious for a minute," he said with a laugh. Jongup grinned and slipped the ring onto his thumb, turning it around a few times on his finger. 

"Do you have one?"

Himchan took the second box out of the bag. Jongup took it from him and examined the other ring. 

"They're the same," Himchan told him. Jongup took his off his thumb and examined the two of them next to each other. He switched them from hand to hand, then closed his fists around them and held them out to Himchan. Himchan rolled his eyes, suppressing a smile, and tapped on Jongup's left fist. The dancer uncurled his fingers to reveal a bare palm. Himchan gave a theatrical gasp and pretended to check up Jongup's sleeve. Jongup grinned and did some complicated gestures, then coughed outrageously into his right hand. Himchan tapped his right fist. Jongup opened it to reveal it was empty, then waved his left hand in Himchan's face, two rings glinting on his ring and index fingers.

"I always knew you were magical."

"I had a slow couple weeks to learn some tricks." Jongup offered him his hand and Himchan slid one of the rings off. He frowned.

"It's too big."

"It's okay."

"You'll lose it."

Jongup considered, then pulled the thick silver band from his other hand and slid it on on top of Himchan's ring, anchoring it in place. "Now I won't," he said. He took the second ring and put it on Himchan's index finger. It fit him better. He still looked a little troubled, though. 

"Can I come to the hospital with you tomorrow? We don't have anything scheduled but practice."

There wouldn't be many days like that coming up, Himchan knew. Their next single would be dropping in a week and they would be doing daily performances for a few weeks after that. 

"Okay," he said. "She'd like to see you, as long as she's, you know. Up for it."

"If she isn't, I can just hang out," Jongup said firmly. Himchan nodded. "And--maybe we could go out after? I feel bad now; I didn't do anything for--" he motioned at his ring, looking sheepish. 

"You didn't have to. I'd like to go out, though."

"Good. I had an idea of something we could do."

"Does it involve hamburgers?"

"Nope. It's a surprise."

Himchan thought he'd like any surprise that Jongup looked so pleased about. 

"Okay, then," he agreed. "Tomorrow."


	14. Chapter 14

Jongup needed to find Junhong. The maknae was an integral component of The Plan. (Jongup had very little experience with making plans, the consequence of hiring his first manager sometime around puberty, but he rather thought that things could only be helped by the strategic employment of capitalization. Ergo, The Plan.)

(Or, Operation Six Month Surprise, also known as Operation Make Himchan Fucking _Relax_ For Once, aka Operation Bumblebee. Just because.)

Junhong wasn't in the studio with Yongguk. He wasn't in the gym. Jongup even poked his head out the window to confirm he wasn't in the alley with his skateboard again. 

He finally remembered his friend mentioning something about passing out in one of the vocal practice rooms a few times, and he jogged up the steps to check. The first few rooms he passed were occupied by trainees. He waved to a couple he recognized. Then, at the end of the hall, he heard something. He peered in the narrow window in the door and didn't see anyone--but there; if he angled his head just so, he could see a familiar pair of feet sticking out. He recognized the socks' random pattern of turtles and umbrellas.

He pushed the door open carefully, enough to get his head around it, and grimaced. 

"What _is_ that?" he said. Junhong jumped and fumbled with his phone, bringing an end to the cacophony. Jongup's ears were ringing in the sudden silence. 

"Oh, hi," Junhong said. He was sitting on the floor for some reason, even though there was a chair right there--Jongup assumed this was some tall person thing and dismissed it. He came in and closed the door behind him, giving the maknae's phone a wary look. 

"Seriously, what was that? You don't have to play it again!" he added quickly as Junhong reached out. The maknae leaned back against the wall and smirked. 

"You don't want to hear it?" he asked. Jongup had heard enough to know it was...loud. And chaotic. He gave his friend a strange look.

"I think I'm good."

"You don't even know what it was."

"Okay." He was in a hurry, but now he was curious despite himself, because Junhong had a very knowing look on his face. 

"Himchan-hyung," he said, with the air of a magician revealing his secrets. Jongup waited. He felt the noise he had heard warranted a longer explanation. "That's him playing," Junhong clarified finally, apparently realizing no further reaction was forthcoming. 

"Playing," Jongup repeated. He looked at the phone, then, warily, nodded his assent. Junhong hit play and the sound filled the room again. Jongup winced, but now he could hear it was a piano somehow making the racket. Junhong let it play for several seconds, then shut it off again, his expression triumphant. Jongup still felt like he was missing something. 

"Why was he playing that?" he asked. He'd heard Himchan play before, of course; he'd accompanied the vocalists onstage before. He was good, quick to pick up a song. Jongup had never heard him play something quite so...smashy...before. 

"He wrote it," Junhong said. 

Jongup blinked at him, then at the phone, as if it could give him more information. He supposed it could. He took it from his friend and pressed play again, this time not shrinking from the volume or the _mess_ of it. The sound was huge and it seemed to scramble his brain a little to listen to it. He tried to hear his boyfriend in it somewhere. He _wrote_ this? 

Then, after a minute, the crashing collapsed into music. It was like magic. 

The track ended and quiet rushed to fill the room again. 

Jongup rewound and listened again from the beginning. 

Then again. 

Junhong didn't seem to mind. He had his notebook on his lap and he scrawled away in it contentedly while Jongup listened. He didn't look up until he passed his phone back to him. 

"What do you mean he wrote that? When?"

"I found him in one of the piano rooms a couple weeks ago," Junhong said, snapping his notebook closed. "He didn't have any music or anything, he said he was just playing around. Like--" And he waved his hands as if to say, _can you believe it?_

Jongup could, now that he'd sat with it for a little while. Himchan had studied music so long that it didn't surprise Jongup much to learn that he knew how to write his own. He wondered why he'd never mentioned it. It was exciting to think he still had things to learn about him after all these years. 

Junhong cocked his head to one side. "Do you like it?" he asked. 

"Not exactly," Jongup said. "Can you send me the audio file?" Because, like it or not, the music had been fascinating. Himchan was in it somewhere; Jongup just needed to find him. 

"Sure." Junhong fiddled with his phone and a second later, a little whoosh from Jongup's told him he'd received the file. 

"Thanks." 

"Did you come to get me for practice?" Junhong guessed, standing and offering a hand. Jongup let him pull him up. 

"No," he said. "I mean, kind of. But I needed to ask you--"

"There you two are!" 

It was Himchan, poking his head in. He looked better rested than Jongup had seen him in weeks, thanks to spending two nights in a row in the dorm, the second of which in his own bed. Jongup had climbed in with him, casting Yongguk a pointed glare. The rapper had said nothing. Jongup figured he owed him the favor for having listened to Himchan and kept Jongup from the hospital for so long. 

Now Himchan looked like himself again, and he was _here_ , and he was smiling at Jongup and they were going out later. It was a good day. Jongup grinned at him. 

"Everybody's downstairs," Himchan said, opening the door wider. They followed him out. 

"You wanted to ask me something, hyung?" Junhong prodded, poking Jongup's side. 

"It's nothing," he said quickly, glancing at Himchan. "I forget."

**

"You still won't tell me where we're going?" 

Jongup pressed his lips together and just smiled at Himchan. His boyfriend rolled his eyes. 

"How am I supposed to know what to wear?" he complained. 

They reached the dorm and dumped their backpacks on the couch. Jongup took his hand and pulled him to the collective closet, coming to a stop in front of Himchan's racks of clothes. Jongup started going through his shirts. Himchan had the nicest clothes of any of them. Jongup studied a few things before pulling out a lightweight grey sweater he hadn't seen him wear in awhile. 

Himchan took the shirt from him and studied it; Jongup could see him trying to work out from it where they could be going. But it was just a shirt. 

"Get dressed," Jongup said. 

**

They went to the hospital first. Himchan seemed to know everyone from the other patients to the orderlies wheeling them through the halls. 

They had to wait to see his mother, an hour in which Himchan showed him the game he'd been mastering on his phone over the past weeks. Jongup was hooked immediately and vowed to beat Himchan's high score, earning him a scoff from his boyfriend. 

He was a little nervous to see Himchan's mother, truthfully. He'd never spent much time in hospitals; had never really known anyone who'd been through an accident like she had. But Himchan had obviously told her they were coming, and when they were finally ushered into her hotel room, they found her carefully made up, hair neatly combed and curled around her shoulders, wearing a green blouse rather than a hospital gown. 

She exclaimed over Jongup and asked him question after question about the completed tour and upcoming shows.

She fixed him with a steely look. "Now, my son will tell you he _has_ to be here, but don't you listen--tell Yongguk, too--it's much more important he be with all of you," she said. Jongup hesitated. 

"No it's not, ma'am," he said. Himchan smiled.

**

Jongup still wouldn't tell him where they were going, but Himchan didn't mind. He followed him through the train station as they headed away from the center of the city. They talked about nothing much, Himchan's stupid(ly addicting) game, mostly. It was entertaining to see Jongup be so impressed with him over something so silly, but then Jongup did love a good video game. 

It was a little distracting how good he looked. Himchan didn't understand how a simple white long-sleeved shirt could make him look so delectable, but that was just one of the many mysteries of Moon Jongup. 

He'd been so sweet with his mother, too. That was no surprise, Jongup was sweet with everyone, but he'd figured out the perfect blend of amused attentiveness. His mother had confided in Himchan early on that she hated seeing most people in the hospital-- _They look at me like I'm_ tragic _all of a sudden,_ she'd said irritably. _I'm lucky. They look at me like I'm on my deathbed._

Jongup hadn't. He'd laughed at her jokes and made his own, answered her questions and asked a few of his own, just simple ones about her physical therapy and how she was liking the hospital food. 

Himchan had just sat back and been quiet for once, enjoying the sight of two of his favorite people spending time together. He was reminded of how stupid he'd been to keep Jongup away for so long, and for the first time he let himself imagine, just a little, what it might be like if his mother knew what Jongup really was to him. 

"C'mon," his boyfriend said abruptly, pulling him off the train. They were at an unfamiliar stop on the outskirts of the city. The buildings were smaller here and there was more green everywhere. The evening was cool and moisture hung in the air from the recent rain.

Jongup led them down a side street to a stone mansion set back from the road. 

"Where are we?" Himchan asked. Jongup just smiled at him and rang the buzzer next to the wrought iron gate. A second later there was a click and the gate sprang open. Jongup led them inside and up a gravel drive. A young woman in a neat blouse and pencil skirt met them at the door with a clipboard. 

"You're here for the class?" she said. Jongup told her their names, which she found on her list. Himchan watched this with fascination. They were on a _list_. Jongup had made a _plan_. This was deeply flattering, because he knew he wasn't one for planning. Jongup tended to take things as they came. 

"Straight back that way and down the stairs," the woman told them with a smile. Jongup thanked her and led Himchan on. The house was beautifully appointed in what seemed to be all natural materials, stone and wood in different hues. Not comfortable-looking, exactly, but fairly grand. Himchan couldn't work out what it could be used for. He couldn't imagine anyone living here. 

A long set of stone steps led them down into the cellar. Himchan could hear murmured voices before he could see anyone. It was cooler in the basement, and he could also, finally, work out what they were doing there. He grinned and punched Jongup on the shoulder happily. Jongup grinned back. 

It was a wine cellar, the largest one Himchan had ever seen. The walls stretched seemingly as wide as the mansion above, and were lined floor-to-ceiling with bottles. 

There were perhaps a dozen people milling around a cluster of tall, small round tables that had been set up like a strange classroom.

"Welcome." A tall, willowy man greeted them at the bottom of the stairs. Despite his greeting, the look he gave them was almost suspicious, and he had a very rigid bearing. He struck Himchan as a man who could use a few glasses of wine to loosen up. "I'm Hosook, I'll be running the session. And you are--?"

They gave him their names and bowed. "We'll be getting started in just a few minutes, why don't you pick a table," he said, motioning for them to go ahead. They found one in the back. They were easily the youngest people there, but Himchan didn't care.

"It's a wine-tasting class," Jongup said. 

"I kind of got that," Himchan said.

"Do you like it?"

Himchan just pinched him because kissing him would be kind of a giveaway.

They quickly found that Hosook's disdain was not reserved solely for the two of them. He faced the group with the air of a tenured professor placed unwillingly in front of a group of twelve-year-olds. 

"I've given you all two _wine glasses_ ," he said clearly, as though parlaying some kind of advanced vocabulary. 

Giggles bubbled up in Himchan's chest and he glanced over at Jongup, who had on the angelic attentive face he used in interviews when he thought the MC was an idiot. 

(Himchan and Daehyun had once sat down and made a comprehensive list of Jongup's interview expressions while he acted each out.There was this one. There was the slightly vacant one when he wasn't paying attention. There was the other slightly vacant one when he had a song stuck in his head and the _other_ slightly vacant look when he was calculating the odds that the next question would be about which bandmate he would date if he were a girl.

"I guess we know the answer to _that_ one now _,"_ Daehyun smirked, elbowing Himchan. 

"It's Junhong _,"_ Jongup said placidly. 

"What? Junhong _?"_ Himchan sputtered while Daehyun just about died laughing beside him. 

"I want to be with you as _me,"_ Jongup said. "I don't want to share you with Girl Jongup." 

"So you're imagining both of you existing at once?" Himchan asked, intrigued by the prospect. 

"And what are _you_ imagining now, hmmm _?"_ Daehyun smirked. Himchan pinched him and they got back to the list: the private smile that looked like Jongup was thinking about something dirty when really he was thinking about hamburgers; the intense stare he directed at Himchan sometimes like he couldn't drag his eyes away from his face.

"What are you thinking about when you do that _?"_ Himchan couldn't help asking, even as Daehyun made exaggerated vomiting sounds. Jongup smiled at him. 

"Nothing _.")_

Jongup's expression now did nothing to quell Himchan's giggles. He knew it was just his exhaustion; probably relief at being out in the world again after weeks of going from the hospital to studio and back again played no small role.

But also, seriously, the guy looked like he was sucking a lemon as he explained the process of wine-making. 

It was nothing Himchan didn't know, but that might have just been because Hosook was still talking to them as though they were children. A few of the men and women were nodding seriously, though Himchan spotted an older couple at the table next to theirs who were looking unimpressed. He glanced over at Jongup, who noticed his attention and leaned in. 

"Hyung, did you know wine was made from _grapes_?" he whispered, his expression awed. Himchan coughed to hide his laugh and Jongup pounded on his back helpfully, his face all innocence. Himchan had never loved him more. 

Hosook cast a disgruntled look in their direction but continued on with his spiel while a woman came around with two bottles of wine, pouring out tasting portions of each for everyone in the room. 

Jongup picked up one of his glasses curiously and the teacher raised a hand. 

" _Wait_!" he commanded with no little drama. "You must learn the _technique!_ " The woman at the next table let out a sputter of laughter that she hid under a cough. Jongup put his glass down quickly and put both hands up. Himchan couldn't look at him for fear of losing his shit, but he locked eyes with the woman who had laughed, and that was nearly as bad. They both had to fake coughing fits again and the man accompanying the woman waved a hand in the air as if to clear an imaginary dust cloud. Jongup did the same beside Himchan, though he looked more as if he were trying to swat a fly away. 

 Hosook gave an almighty sniff, sticking his not-inconsiderable nose into his own glass. 

"You must take in the _bouquet_ ," he said. "Then _swirl._ Then sniff again. Notice the difference?"

Around them, people were picking up their glasses of wine, tentatively, as though afraid they too would be scolded. 

Himchan exchanged another wide-eyed look with the couple at the next table, then picked up his own glass, pulling Jongup's hands down with his own free one.

"I think it's okay now," he said in a low voice. He'd been afraid Jongup might be embarrassed, but he needn't have worried; his boyfriend looked heartily entertained as he picked up his glass again and gave an experimental sniff. Himchan did the same with his, trying to mimic the teacher's wrist movement. 

"You'll get hints of cherry, sandalwood," Hosook was saying. 

"Nesquik," Jongup and Himchan muttered in unison, and exchanged a grin. 

"Then _swirl--"_

They swirled. Himchan thought he spotted the teacher watching them suspiciously and was smug to note that Jongup's technique was flawless. He always could mimic any move anyone demonstrated. 

"And sniff again," Hosook continued, sounding a bit disappointed as he moved his attention elsewhere. "This time you should get notes of chocolate and walnut."

Himchan sniffed. He used to be better at this. 

"Oh no," Jongup said, frowning at his glass. "Mine just smells like _wine_."

"I think we got a defective bottle, too." The woman at the next table leaned over to talk to them. Her partner sniffed his glass.

"I'm getting hints of fermented grapes. Is that wrong?" he said. 

The four of them exchanged a merry chuckle that they quickly tamped down as Hosook cleared his throat significantly. 

"When you're ready," he said, with the implication that few of them actually were, "you may want to take your first sip." 

He proceeded to demonstrate his version of sipping, which involved much puffing out of his cheeks and thoughtful eye-rolling. Jongup squeaked very quietly next to Himchan and ducked his head. Himchan hid his own grin behind his glass as he took a sip of wine.

However ridiculous their teacher, the wine was excellent. Hosook was encouraging everyone to spit out perfectly good wine after they'd tasted it, but when Himchan glanced around he saw that he and Jongup and their friends at the next table weren't the only ones disregarding this advice. 

Hosook seemed to sense he was losing control of the situation and so he moved on to the next wine a bit desperately. Things only unraveled from there. 

Jongup and Himchan kept up their own quiet commentary as they tasted the wide variety of wines, getting increasingly ridiculous as the class went on. Jongup whispered darkly that he was pretty sure they were just tasting the same wines over and over, and he had a point; Himchan couldn't see or taste much of a difference either. 

Once, this might have bothered him--he really _did_ want to learn, after all--but tonight it felt perfect. When Jongup finally dissolved into helpless giggles beside him and had to duck under the table, Himchan thought he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so happy. 

By the time the tasting class ended, Himchan was warm and his thoughts decidedly fuzzy. He and Jongup waved merrily to the couple at the next table and dodged the now-disgruntled teacher as they made their weaving way upstairs. 

Jongup's steps were fairly stumbling, so Himchan took his arm to steady him. 

"There's a restaurant a few blocks over," Jongup said, pointing vaguely once they were out on the street again. Himchan pulled him along contentedly. 

"Which wine was your favorite?"

"I liked the red one."

" _Half_ of them were red."

"Were they different?"

The restaurant was small and comfortable. Jongup propped his head in his hands while he watched Himchan grill the meat, still competent despite the way the world was still wavering on the edges. They drank cup after cup of rice tea and Himchan felt his equilibrium return. He piled the biggest pieces of meat on Jongup's plate.

"What about you?" Jongup said, frowning at Himchan's smaller portion. 

"I think the wine hit you a little harder," Himchan told him, smiling. The younger man was looking a little bleary-eyed and the last thing Himchan wanted was for him to get sick. 

The food seemed to help, though. They spent awhile making fun of Daehyun (always a favorite pastime). He had gotten addicted to some drama that was so bad even Youngjae wouldn't watch it with him. Apparently Junhong had walked in on him crying over it and had been roped into watching an episode with him. He'd been incoherent with laughter for hours after, even when Daehyun locked him out of their room.

At this point Jongup paused and tilted his head very slightly and looked at Himchan for a long time.

"What?"

"Junhongie told me--" Jongup began, then subsided and shook his head, smiling a little.

"What?"

"Nah. Later," he said, and moved on to the story of how he and Junhong managed to lure Daehyun out of his lair with food. He then teamed up with Youngjae in an epic pillow fight that ranged across the entire dorm. Maybe some food was thrown as well.

The things one missed when they spent their nights in hospital chairs.

Himchan relished just listening to Jongup talk. He loved it when he got chatty like this. Sometimes when he drank he went very _still_ \--mostly when he was part of a large group of people. But Himchan had learned if it was just the two of them, the opposite often happened and Jongup would get giggly and talkative. 

"What?" he said now, squinting at Himchan. Himchan shook his head, smiling. "No, what?" Jongup prodded, poking him across the table. 

"Just. You just make me really happy," Himchan said. Jongup paused. 

"Me too. I mean, you too," he said. "Let's get out of here."

Himchan recognized the Look in his eyes, and didn't argue. They spilled out into the night. It was quieter here than in downtown Seoul, and Himchan could see more stars in the sky than usual. Or maybe his vision was still a bit doubled.

Jongup tapped away at his phone.

Himchan tapped away at his shoulder. "What are you doing?" he asked, trying to see, but Jongup tilted the screen away from him, smiling. 

"Calling a car," he said. Himchan arched an eyebrow but Jongup wouldn't say any more. They sat on a bench outside the restaurant, their thighs pressed together, thumb-wrestling and talking. 

After a few minutes a car pulled up in front of them. Himchan blinked at it. 

"Isn't that--?"

The window rolled down to reveal the driver. 

"Need a lift?" he called. Jongup waved and pulled Himchan up and they got in the backseat. In the driver's seat, Junhong turned partway to grin at them. 

"Hi, hyungs," he said.

"What are you doing here?" Himchan demanded, looking from him to Jongup and back again.

"I'm your chauffeur." Junhong tipped his cap at them and pulled out into traffic. 

"This feels weird," Himchan said with a laugh, nudging Jongup. 

"I didn't want us to have to take a train all the way back, and cabs are expensive," he said with a shrug and a lazy half-smile Himchan wanted to kiss right off his face. Junhong might not have minded--well, too much--but he restrained himself, content to lean against Jongup and weave their fingers together. He couldn't have done _that_ on a train. 

They passed the trip regaling the maknae with stories from the wine-tasting. They were laughing so hard it probably didn't make much sense, but Junhong chuckled along gamely, always ready to be amused when his hyungs were. 

Jongup's laughter seemed to dry up when Junhong pulled the car into the lot. 

"What are we doing here?" he said, frowning up at the dorm. Junhong turned around in his seat, eyes wide and blinking quickly.

"Hyung?"

"We live here, remember?" Himchan said, squeezing his hand. 

"Junhong-ah--"

"Yongguk hyung told me to bring you home," the maknae interrupted, and now he looked guilty. 

"But--"

"Sorry, hyung." He shrugged awkwardly and got out of the car. The couple followed suit, Himchan looking at Jongup questioningly because he was scowling now. 

"He was supposed to take us to a hotel," he muttered. Himchan couldn't help the stab of disappointment this gave him. It would have been nice--more than nice--to spend the night with Jongup in a hotel when they weren't exhausted from a concert. Yongguk surely meant well--he always did--but Himchan wished his friend hadn't been so set on being quite so responsible this time. 

They made an awkward trio in the elevator, Junhong shuffling his feet guiltily and pretending to fuss with his phone and Jongup glaring stonily at the floor. It was a sour end to what had been such a fun night; Himchan wracked his brain to think how to cheer up his boyfriend. Surely Yongguk would make himself scarce, wouldn't he? But a night at the dorm sounded a little bleak compared to what Jongup had had planned. Himchan rubbed the dancer's neck gently, feeling the tension there. 

The elevator let them out and they went to the dorm, Junhong holding the door open for his hyungs. 

Jongup went in first and stopped short and Himchan run into his back. 

The other members were in the common room. 

Weirdly, though, they weren't draped over the furniture and each other. They were standing in a row, Yongguk, Daehyun and Youngjae. They were all a little sweaty, though dance practice had ended hours ago. And they all seemed to be suppressing smiles. 

"Hi?" Himchan said. He glanced behind him at Junhong and saw the maknae was smiling now, all traces of guilt disappeared. Jongup gave Himchan a baffled look. 

"Welcome home!" Daehyun and Youngjae chorused. 

Himchan sought out Jongup's hand. The singers were being creepy. 

"Thanks?" Jongup said, his irritation forgotten in the face of his hyungs' odd behavior. 

"May I take your coats?" Youngjae asked, holding out an arm and bowing. 

"We're not wearing coats." Himchan stared at him, trying to work out if he was very drunk or what.

"Of course, of course," Youngjae said, giggling and stepping back. 

"Bbang?" Himchan tried. Yongguk avoided his eyes and Daehyun elbowed him, and they both burst out laughing. 

"What is going _on_?" Himchan demanded, put-out. He didn't like not being in on the joke. Or drug experience, if that's what was fueling this. 

All at once Youngjae had a hold of Jongup's wrist and Daehyun had a hold of Himchan's and Junhong was propelling them along from behind, through the common room and into the hall. 

"What are you do--" Himchan's question died as they were pushed into his room.

Something was different.

First he thought _Wow, Bbang put away his laundry_. 

Then he thought, _Wow, Bbang got a comforter._

Next he thought, _Wait, why did Bbang steal_ Jongup's _comforter?_

Then he started seeing it--Jongup's favorite snapback hanging on Yongguk's bedpost. Jongup's cluttered box of jewelry sticking out from under Yongguk's bed. The neat stacks of Jongup's clothes sitting at the end of Yongguk's bed. 

"That's all my stuff," Jongup said. 

"We thought it was about time we switched roommates," Yongguk said. "We, ah. Hope you guys won't mind sharing again."

Himchan and Jongup looked at each other blankly for a moment, then, in a moment of perfect telepathy, Himchan tackled Yongguk and Jongup tackled Youngjae. 

"Bbang you glorious wonderful perfect human!" Himchan bellowed, hugging his best friend while he groaned and tried to bat him away. Well, tough; Himchan loved him to pieces and was going to show it whether the rapper liked skinship or not. 

Jongup and his roommate-- _former_ roommate, ha!--were having a similar exchange over on Jongup's new bed. 

"Help!" Youngjae sputtered as the stronger man hugged him, a blissful grin on his face. (There may have been a certain degree of payback in the embrace, Jongup's plans being thwarted and he and Himchan being faked-out and all, but still.)

"What about me?" Daehyun asked pleadingly from the center of the room, apparently torn on which hug to wrestle his way in on. "I helped move all Jonguppie's stuff!" 

Junhong gave him a supportive hug from behind, petting his hair with one hand. 

Yongguk was giggling helplessly now and Jongup and Youngjae's hug had turned slightly violent, so that was okay. 

"Thank you thank you thank you," Himchan chanted into Yongguk's shoulder. The rapper managed to get a hand free and patted him clumsily on the back. 

"Happy anniversary," he said. 

**

It took awhile, but the other members cleared out--not just of the room but of the dorm, heading out for food because according to Daehyun, "Moving makes me hungry."

They left Himchan and Jongup alone in their room. _Their room_. Himchan was smiling so hard Jongup worried his face would split. His own cheeks hurt from all the laughing he'd done tonight. 

This was much, much better than a hotel room. 

They lay together on Jongup's new bed, their legs twined together, still giggly and happy.

Himchan poked him.

"What were you going to tell me?"

"Hmm?"

"At dinner, you said Junhongie told you--something. And you'd tell me later."

" _Oh_." Jongup rolled over halfway, anchored by Himchan's legs around his, and groped around for his phone. He came back and pulled up the audio file, playing it quietly. For a moment, Himchan's face was completely blank and confused, and then recognition dawned.

"Oh," he said. "I didn't know he recorded it."

Jongup shut it off. "How come you didn't tell me you write music?" he asked. Himchan gave a half shrug.

"It's just something I play around with," he said.

"Do you do it a lot?"

"Not in the past few weeks...I really just started getting back into it. I want to practice more." He seemed a little embarrassed. Jongup nudged his cheek gently with the tip of his nose. 

"I think that's good, hyung," he said. "Playing makes you happy."

" _You_ make me happy."

Jongup smiled and pulled Himchan until he rolled on top of him. "You can practice me any time, too," he said supportively.

Himchan smiled, and did just that.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for body issues, friends. <3

**Week Thirty-two**

 

"Hyung." A quiet voice, the waft of coffee. Himchan wanted to stay in this moment. But the voice persisted--"Hyuuuung," accompanied by a soft stroke to his cheek. Himchan grunted. He wanted to bat the hand away--no, to hold it. But his arms felt very heavy and movement was impossible. 

"Him-chan-hyung." Each syllable punctuated with a soft kiss--on each of his eyelids, the tip of his nose. 

"Mmm." He smiled unwillingly; his automatic response to Jongup. 

"There's coffee." 

There was also a pressure on his middle--heavy, solid, not unpleasant. 

"Mmm?" he hummed politely. His eyes still didn't want to open. He heard a soft _clunk_ as something was set down on the bedside table, then he felt Jongup's breath, hot on his cheek. 

"We have to leave soon. If you don't get up I'm going to kiss you before you've brushed your teeth or had coffee or _anything_."

This was a low blow. Himchan's eyes slitted open just enough to see his boyfriend sitting on his chest, smirking down at him. Jongup was already dressed, which Himchan felt should probably alarm him, but he was too tired. This was probably because he could count on three fingers how many hours he'd slept. 

He had spent the evening at his parents' house again. They weren't there, of course; they'd all but moved into Himchan's cousin's apartment a few weeks before. Her place was close to the hospital, an easy trip to get his mother back and forth to physical therapy sessions, and the elevator in the building made it more navigable in her wheelchair than her own home. 

That was soon to change, though. Himchan and Hana had been taking turns overseeing the ramp installation and restructuring of their parents' house to make it wheelchair friendly. Himchan had spent hours after practice the night before moving things out of his father's former study downstairs to make room for his parents' bedroom to be moved in. 

Jongup had wanted to help, but they were in the middle of a promotion cycle now, and he had his own bruising schedule. They had been performing almost daily on the music shows, and Jongup's part in the dance was particularly acrobatic. Himchan knew his body needed rest, not to be helping him rearrange his parents' belongings. 

"You wouldn't dare," he mumbled now, scowling in what he hoped was a threatening, unkissable way at the dancer. Since they'd been sharing a room, Himchan had been keeping mouthwash next to his bed so he could safely kiss Jongup first thing in the morning without the intrusion of morning breath or the need to leave the room. Jongup found this hilarious for some reason and liked to threaten him with kisses before either of them had had a chance to freshen up. 

("I'm just trying to--preserve the--romance!" Himchan panted one morning, one hand over his mouth as Jongup tickled him mercilessly and rained kisses over his shoulders and the back of his hand.

"I think we have different definitions of romance," Jongup said.)

"Anything to get you moving," Jongup said, shifting a little to let Himchan push himself into a half-sitting position and handing him a cup of coffee. He took a sip.

"Just the right temperature," he said admiringly, his voice still husky with sleep. "You really are magical." Jongup smiled briefly, but his eyes were narrow with worry. 

"You came in so late," he said. "I didn't want to wake you up, but the van will be here soon, you have to eat something."

Himchan glanced over at the clock and groaned, downing the rest of his coffee in three quick gulps. 

"I need to _shower,"_ he corrected, taking Jongup's hips in hand to reluctantly shift the younger man off him. "I was too tired last night."

Jongup sighed but didn't argue. They were going on TV; a shower wasn't exactly optional. Himchan dropped a quick kiss on his lips before grabbing his bag and something to change into and darting down the hall to the blessedly-vacant bathroom. 

He let the water run while he undressed and pawed through his bag until he came up with a friendly orange bottle. In the end, it had been no trouble at all getting more pills after he ran out of Junho's freebies. All it had taken was a quick call, some cash left in the specified locker in the gym, and six hours later he had a fresh stash. 

The pills had been a blessing. He'd thought he knew what it was to be busy, keeping a full idol's schedule. But add to that all the trips to the hospital and his parents' house, making the essential time for Jongup, and the recent return of his own musical practice and some casual composing? He didn't have time to think about food, let alone eat it. 

Not that he wasn't eating at _all_ ; nothing so crazy as that. He'd still get meals with the members after practice, or share some terrible hospital mush with Hana or his father during visits. Of course he was eating. It was just that mostly he was doing everything else instead.

He couldn't see a downside; not only were his pants decidedly looser, but the pills gave him a better energy boost than coffee. He didn't need more than a few hours' sleep even when he was home. His heart seemed to be working a beat ahead of him, his body rushing to catch up. He'd grown to like the sensation. 

He knocked a pill into his palm and swallowed it dry before climbing into the shower.

**

Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck._ Himchan really wished the ground would just swallow him whole. Swallowing him whole would be great, like that man-eating hole in the ground in that Star Wars movie he'd watched with Jongup and Junhong. What had the evil slug said? It would digest the good guys slowly and painfully over a thousand years?

That had to be an improvement over this.

He'd forgotten his line.

_He'd forgotten his line on a televised performance._ He'd only _had_ a handful of lines and he'd forgotten one in the middle of a show. Kim Himchan. This was Officially Not Okay.

The group was waiting in the hall to go in for their interview following the performance, and all Himchan wanted to do was curl up in a bathroom stall and cry, or possibly vomit. 

Jongup's hand was at his back, the gentle pressure all he could provide in the crowded studio. Himchan kept his eyes on the floor, didn't want to see his expression of sympathy, or the pity on the others' faces. He'd embarrassed the group. He couldn't look at any of them. 

And now he had to sit through an interview and talk about it. 

The pressure from Jongup's hand increased and he looked up to see the others filing into the room. They were up. 

The interview was a short one, like thousands they'd done before, and so Himchan knew the rhythm of it, knew just when the MC's would turn their grins on him and say, "Well, he may not always remember the lyrics but B.A.P's visual earned his title today, eh? You're looking so handsome, Himchan-ssi!" 

Okay, _that_ was a little unexpected. He couldn't remember the last time an MC had called him out as the visual--before the hiatus, surely. It was what he'd wanted, what he'd been missing, but now he felt no pride, only shame--over his fuck-up and over how he'd managed to lose enough weight to be noticed again. 

Still, he pasted a smile on his face as the second MC nodded his agreement. "It doesn't matter if you know your lines when you look this good!" he crowed, to general amusement. 

They moved on. 

Himchan's smile hurt.

**

It had been bad, okay, and Yongguk knew it. He didn't think Himchan had ever screwed up during a performance before, and he knew he was beating himself up over it. Yongguk was grateful to the MC's for laughing it off and showering him with compliments during the interview. It wasn't what Yongguk would have wanted to be noticed for, but he and Himchan had always been different. 

Plus, he was a little embarrassed that it had taken a couple of strangers to point out how good Himchan looked. He'd recently shed some of the weight he'd put on over the hiatus, and while Yongguk knew this was probably due to stress and a hectic schedule, at least it was a silver lining, right?

He sidled over to Himchan as they were all changing out of their stage clothes after the interview.

"Channie."

Himchan just grunted. He'd been avoiding Yongguk's gaze since the performance. Yongguk handed him his shirt and glanced around to make sure they wouldn't be overheard. Youngjae and Junhong were playing keep-away with one of Daehyun's shoes while the singer chased them ineffectually around the room. Only Jongup kept off to the side, casting watchful looks over at Himchan. No doubt he'd caught his mood as well. Yongguk assumed he'd cheer him up privately later, and was glad of it. In the meantime, though, he'd stop his friend stewing if he could.

Himchan took the proffered shirt and tugged it over his head.

"Don't worry about it," Yongguk told him bracingly. "It happens."

"Not to professionals," Himchan muttered. 

"To everyone, sometimes," Yongguk corrected. He felt guilty; he should have been monitoring Himchan better. He hadn't wanted to intrude on his time with Jongup--but then, he had an idea Himchan had barely been in the dorm to have any. Yongguk knew how busy he'd been, helping his family. It was a wonder the strain hadn't shown before now. "Anyway, they were right," he added, trying to lighten things up. "You are looking really good."

He hoped for a smile but the one Himchan gave him looked hollow somehow. 

"Thanks Bbang," he said, and before Yongguk could say anything more, Kang was there, and the group was being ushered out. 

**

Jongup's forehead was pressed against the floor. So were the soles of his feet. His ass was in the air, his hands clasped behind his back. Beside him, Junhong was in the same pose, just bigger. 

"I don't think it's possible," Jongup said. 

"I've done it before," Junhong said stubbornly. 

"How would you get enough momentum, though? Pushing against your head--"

"You just have to--kind of--" Junhong grunted, and then there was an improbable unspooling of limbs, his legs stretching in the air as he somersaulted over, his head staying on the ground. He landed with his back on the studio floor. "Ow," he said. Jongup snorted and straightened up, his vision clouding over with black spots as the blood rushed from his head. 

"Not advisable, then," he amended, smiling, seating himself on the floor next to his friend. "I don't think my head's hard enough."

Junhong reached up and knocked on Jongup's forehead a few times. Jongup imagined his worries being flicked away with the motion, like flies dispersing.

He'd been trying not to think about Himchan, and it wasn't working. 

Junhong was looking at him somberly. "He'll be okay," he said. "Remember that time Daehyun hyung's voice cracked performing Warrior? Or--my voice cracks all the time, it's no big deal."

"Himchan's voice didn't crack," Jongup reminded him gently. He'd missed his cue entirely, leaving a gap in the song only too noticeable before Daehyun had realized and rushed to fill it in with his own vocals. 

"Still."

"Yeah. Just--you know how bad he beats himself up over stuff."

"Well, he shouldn't. It's not like we don't know how busy he's been lately," Junhong said. Jongup just nodded, pretending to study his hands. Guilt was eating at him again. He should have insisted when Himchan refused his help at the house. Or let him sleep longer this morning. Or woken him up earlier, maybe if he'd had more time to get ready--

The studio door opened, cutting off his circuitous train of thought. 

"Sleepy hyung!" Junhong said happily, sitting up, then clutching his head. 

"Maknaes," Sleepy greeted them in his customary mellow voice. He bent to bump fists with each of them in turn before joining them on the floor, crossing his long limbs with lazy ease. "Seen you all over tv lately, that's a catchy song there."

Junhong grinned in unabashed pleasure at the praise. Jongup tried to guess whether Sleepy had seen that day's performance. The rapper met his eyes. 

"Just saw Channie upstairs," he commented lightly. "Playing janggu like a motherfucker. It's, like, _sick_ how good he is."

It was Jongup's turn to smile; he ducked his head to hide how relieved Sleepy's words made him. When Himchan had left him and Junhong saying he was going to go practice for a bit, Jongup had worried he'd be brooding. If he was really playing, though, he'd be all right. 

Jongup had packed his janggu without asking the last time he went with Himchan to his parents' house. He'd been so happy to see him starting to practice again--the piano in the studio, the guitar or ukelele around the dorm. Himchan couldn't be still for long without picking up an instrument, and Jongup hadn't missed the way it seemed to take the tension out of his shoulders every time he did. When Himchan realized Jongup had packed it for him, he'd tackled him, right there in the parking lot outside the dorm. They'd been lucky the van was blocking them from view. 

"So did you listen?" Junhong said. Jongup looked at him curiously and Sleepy pulled a flash drive out of his pocket. 

"Only like fifteen times," he drawled, flicking the drive at the dancer, who caught it easily. "Hope you don't mind, I did a little mixing."

"Really?" Junhong's voice came perilously close to a squeal.

"What is this?" Jongup said, looking between the two. Junhong shot him a quick, slightly guilty look. 

"I, um. Sent him our demo," he said quickly so his words blurred together. Jongup raised his eyebrows and looked at Sleepy, who was watching them with heavy-lidded eyes and an implacable expression. 

"You didn't say," Jongup said. Maybe he should have been annoyed, but it was hard to be irritated with Junhong. It had been his idea, after all, and most of his lyrics. 

"Sorry?" Junhong offered, eyes darting between Jongup and Sleepy. 

Junhong had been working for weeks before Jongup caught him at it. He'd taken the weird discordant song Himchan had written and set his lyrics to it. Jongup had found him while he was stuck on the bridge, and after some coaxing, Junhong had shown him what he had so far. It was their first time collaborating on lyrics rather than choreography, but it worked much the same. They were both opinionated but polite, and liked each other so well that any disagreement was worked through with relative ease. In the end, Jongup had managed to fix the middle section so the whole thing flowed better. And Himchan's song had grown on him the more he listened to it. They'd been putting off showing it to the elder, waiting for a good moment to surprise him. 

Apparently the wait had been a bit much for the maknae.

"I liked it, if that helps," Sleepy offered, cracking his knuckles methodically. "You said Channie did the music?"

They both nodded and Sleepy gave his half smile, shaking his head. "That guy. Always knew he was a big weirdo deep down. Real good lyrics, too. I like how pissed off it is, but like it's funny, too, so that's even better. Spliced some shit together to make it flow, make sure the music doesn't overpower the lyrics, left a little space at the end so the tune comes through--"

"Here," Junhong said eagerly, scooting across the floor to snag his bag and bringing it over, pulling out his laptop. He plugged in the flash drive and the three of them listened to what Sleepy had done. 

Jongup felt a little awed. It sounded like a cohesive song all of a sudden, not like something he and his best friend had been fooling around with in stolen moments between rehearsals. Junhong's voice rang out clearly, strong and, yeah, angry, but not without humor. It played against Himchan's music perfectly; Sleepy had done something to the recording so you could hear it more clearly, could hear the switch between apocalyptic noise and simple piano. It was as contradictory as Himchan himself, and Jongup couldn't stop himself grinning like a fool as the song went on. 

Junhong was no better; he kicked his legs with glee when his spurt of lyrics layered just so with Himchan's playing. He met Jongup's eyes and they both laughed--how crazy to hear their own work like this, was this how Yongguk hyung felt all the time?

Sleepy just watched them with his Zen-like smile. 

When it was over, Junhong rolled onto his back, kicking his feet blissfully. 

"That's a good thing, yeah?" Sleepy said, observing him. Jongup nodded and grabbed one of Junhong's feet before it could flail into his face. 

"Hey," he said, tickling his ankle. "We should play it for Himchan hyung now."

Junhong rolled back up. "Yeah?"

Jongup nodded again. If anything could cheer Himchan up, it was this. 

Sleepy left them with a wave ("Gotta jet, give em hell.") and they jogged upstairs with the laptop, elbowing each other and trying not to be too loud and interrupt anyone's practice. 

Jongup slowed to a halt in front of Himchan's practice room. He could see him through the window, seated on the floor with his janggu, beating out a crushing rhythm, his hands moving almost too quickly to see. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed in concentration. 

Jongup grabbed Junhong's elbow to stop him before he could open the door and interrupt. Junhong subsided, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet, eager. But they waited until Himchan stopped. 

He ended abruptly, breathing hard, lowered his arms. When he opened his eyes they held a deep unhappiness so unexpected Jongup couldn't catch his breath for a second. He forgot Junhong was there and opened the door. 

"Hyung?"

Himchan looked up, startled, and his lips quirked into a smile. Whatever had been in his eyes was gone; he looked fine again. 

"What are you two lurking for?" he said with a laugh, motioning them in. Junhong bounded in and sat cross-legged beside him, reaching out to stroke the drum reverently. 

"Cool, hyung," he said. Jongup sat across from them, probing Himchan's face. He really _did_ look thinner. How had he missed it? When he spent every night wrapped around him? He supposed it was hard to catch that kind of thing with someone you saw every day; the change was too gradual. He vowed not to let him skip another meal if he could help it. But there were so many times they weren't together.

"What are you two up to?" Himchan said, tilting his head at Jongup and giving him a questioning look, evidently seeing the worry in his expression. 

Junhong brandished his laptop triumphantly and Himchan raised an expectant eyebrow at it. 

"You said I could show you my stuff sometime?" Junhong said. The merest degree of nervousness crept into his voice--Jongup couldn't tell whether he was second-guessing the song again or just anxious to show Himchan what they'd made with his music. 

Himchan brightened. "You finished something?"

Junhong nodded. "Sleepy hyung mixed it and everything."

Himchan rolled his eyes. "Aishh, so Sleepy gets to hear it before I do?" he complained, but he pinched Junhong's cheek lightly to show he was kidding. The maknae grinned.

"Anyway," he said, and hit play. 

Himchan's music filled the small space and his expression turned confused for a beat before Junhong's vocals joined in. They listened in silence, the dancers' eyes glued to the elder's face. It was difficult to read, even for Jongup. 

When it ended, he and Junhong exchanged a glance-- _Does he like it?--_ **Beats me.**

Himchan appeared to be thinking hard. "Did--" he began, then stopped again, frowning at the laptop. 

"What?" Junhong asked finally when the suspense got to be too much. Himchan looked up at them, seeming to notice their attention for the first time. He broke into a broad grin. 

"Don't look so nervous," he chided. "I was just going to ask who wrote the middle part? It wasn't you, was it Junnie?"

"No," Junhong said, glancing at Jongup. Himchan followed his gaze. 

"You did?"

Jongup nodded, and now all of a sudden _he_ felt nervous. What if Himchan picked that part out because it was stupid?

"How'd you know?" he asked. 

"You two have really distinct cadences," Himchan said. "It works so well to have your part in the middle like that, keeps the whole thing from feeling rushed. Not that yours is rushed," he added, looking to Junhong. "I think they're your best lyrics yet, honestly--they just needed Jongup's there for balance." 

He was taking them seriously. There was no cheek-pinching now, no cooing over how cute they were. Jongup saw Junhong's chest puff out a little with pride. He felt like doing some chest-puffing himself, actually. 

Himchan listened to it again, stopping playback occasionally to comment on a lyric he liked. After, he shook his head, smiling. 

"I wouldn't have thought anyone could make anything of that mess I was playing," he said with a laugh. "You have a good ear, Junhongie."

"Sleepy hyung made it sound a lot better," Junhong demurred, but he was grinning. "Do you--do you think Yongguk hyung might like it?"

Something went soft in Himchan's expression. He took the maknae's face in both hands and squeezed. 

"I think Yongguk might just shit his pants in pride," he said, and Jongup burst out laughing. 

"Gross," Junhong said, but he was flushed and pleased and obviously itching to run to the door. 

"He's in his studio," Himchan said, rolling his eyes and releasing him. "What are you waiting for?"

They watched Junhong bound out the door like an overeager puppy, then Jongup tugged Himchan over to him, where they couldn't be seen through the window unless someone pressed their nose against it and tilted their head just right. 

Himchan slipped his arm around Jongup's waist and rested his chin on his shoulder for a minute smiling at him. 

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you guys were doing that," he said, without a trace of anger. 

"We wanted it to be a surprise."

"Seriously, Yongguk's gonna lose his mind when he hears it."

Jongup ran a hand through Himchan's hair. "Will you come eat with me?" he said. "I didn't have dinner yet."

Himchan shifted slightly beside him. "I'll hang out with you."

"That's not what I said." He drew back to look at him better. "Come on, Himchannie, you have to eat too, right?"

The door opened beside them before Himchan could answer, and Junhong pulled in a bemused-looking Yongguk. 

"What's happening?" he said. 

**

Yongguk did not _exactly_ shit his pants in pride, which the maknaes seemed to find half a letdown and half a relief. 

It was better. The four of them sat on the floor, squeezed into a space meant for one person and an instrument, and Yongguk listened to the song again and again, first silently, then asking questions. When Junhong told him Himchan had composed the music, Yongguk had given his friend a long, assessing look. Himchan didn't know what it meant. But the pleasure on Yongguk's face as the maknaes answered his questions about their song was only too obvious. 

They'd gone out for food after, on Jongup's insistence, and Himchan picked over his noodles as best he could although in truth he had little appetite. Some of his humiliation from the morning had faded, thankfully. Some of it was janggu practice--it felt very good to hit something very hard for a long time--and some of it was his unwitting contribution to Junhong and Jongup's song.

Those two. They didn't seem to realize how rare and special it was to be able to collaborate the way they had; of course they had done it in the past with the choreography, but that they could do it with writing too opened up new doors. He didn't think they knew it yet. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd really collaborated with Yongguk. 

This was unfair and part of him knew it, but he couldn't help it. He was still smarting from his friend's comments after the interview earlier. Clearly he'd trade a Himchan who knew the lyrics to their songs for one who was skinny again. Somehow he'd thought Yongguk would be above that kind of thing, but apparently not. 

He stuffed the laundry basket full of clothes with more force than was strictly necessary. He was back at his parents'. He'd needed to get away for a while after dinner before practice. He felt stifled by the members and stuffed with food he hadn't been hungry for. He'd kissed away Jongup's objections, not wanting him to worry, and managed to avoid questions from Yongguk on his way out. 

Now he was doing some quality stewing as he moved loads of his parents' belongings down to their new room. 

The thoughts played on a loop in his head: _I can't believe I missed my cue--As long as I look good I'm useful--those fucking talented maknaes they don't even know--Yongguk would never let me help so much--why did I eat dinner?--I can't believe I missed my cue,_ on and on and on he went until he was so blinded by his own thoughts (and the oversized load of clothes in his arms) that he somehow missed the last step coming down, and he fell.

He seemed to fall for a long time, though of course it took no longer than normal. He landed hard, hitting his tailbone painfully against the edge of the step. 

But then he couldn't catch his breath. 

This part definitely took longer than it should; he heard himself gasping but no air seemed to reach his lungs. His heartbeat was loud in his ears, and too fast, and fuck he couldn't _breathe--_

and then he could. 

He sat still, laundry scattered in drifts around him, a hand pressed to his chest, shaken. Counted his heartbeats as they slowed to normal. Relished the feeling of air being drawn into his lungs and then released. 

"Fine. I'm fine," he muttered to no one. Just a bad fall. His tailbone hurt; he'd be bruised within the hour, he bet. But it could happen to anyone. 

His eyes caught on the hall clock and he swore. He was late for practice.

**

Junhong felt like he was floating. Flying.

He felt high, basically--or how he'd imagined being high felt before the hiatus happened and he actually _got_ high with his new friends in Canada and discovered it just made the world go wibbly at the edges and he kept making puns that cracked him up but that the Canadians didn't understand even though they laughed anyway because they were high too. 

(Later he would tell this story to Daehyun and express some disappointment in the experience.

"Wrong drug for the high you were looking for," Daehyun said authoritatively, but then he wouldn't elaborate. Daehyun was always going in and out of acting like a hyung; it was so annoying.)

It had been nothing compared to Yongguk hyung liking his song. Scratch that--to Yongguk, Sleepy _and_ Himchan hyungs all liking his song, out loud to his face on the same day. It was like the best day ever. 

Not for everyone, though. 

Himchan hyung had ducked out after dinner, claiming he had a few things he needed to take care of before their late practice. Junhong knew he was still upset about missing his cue that morning. He wished he could throw together a compilation of all the times his voice had cracked or Daehyun sang when he wasn't supposed to or someone messed up the choreography. They'd all fucked up before--hell, Himchan himself had fucked up before without minding. Junhong supposed it must be the extra strain from all the family stuff he was still dealing with. He couldn't imagine having all that to worry about on top of their full schedules. Junhong's brain constantly felt full to bursting as it was.

They'd switched to every-other-day rehearsals as they neared the end of their single promotion cycle, practices starting later in the evening. 

Himchan was late.

Jongup had been watching the clock and now he had that little furrow between his eyebrows. Junhong had watched him pull out his phone a half dozen times in the last fifteen minutes, then put it back in his pockets without sending a text or making a call. He had to be hoping for word from Himchan.

Relationships, Junhong had decided, were mysterious things. Himchan and Jongup's was the first he'd really witnessed up close, other than his parents', and he'd been making a covert study of them, in case he ever found himself with a girlfriend or boyfriend. 

He was about 90% sure it would be a girlfriend, but then, he and Jongup hyung used to talk about girls every once in awhile, so maybe you couldn't tell for sure until you met the right person. In any case, he wasn't ruling anything out. 

Not ruling anything out seemed like it would make for a more interesting life, which Junhong was bound and determined to have. 

But so he'd been watching his friends navigate their relationship. In the beginning, they'd been so worried about making the rest of the group uncomfortable, which Junhong could never understand. He found the fact that two of his best friends were in love and would always take care of each other to be a tremendous comfort. Anything that bonded B.A.P more tightly together could only be to the good. 

He liked that they weren't so shy in front of them now. Himchan was such a touchy person; it had been much more distracting when he was forcing himself to stay away from Jongup than when he hung all over him. By now it felt far stranger when the group was out in public and they had to pretend they weren't together. 

Junhong hadn't yet thought his way to a solution for this issue, but he was working on it. 

Strange to watch Jongup stop himself from calling Himchan. Junhong was positive Himchan wouldn't mind. He didn't mind anything Jongup did. How was it Junhong could see that and Jongup couldn't?

Yongguk was watching the clock too by the time Himchan arrived, spilling apologies--and his backpack--as he hurried in. 

"It's fine, Himchan-ah," Yongguk said. Himchan ditched his stuff in the corner and pulled his hoodie off, grimacing slightly. 

"What's wrong?" Jongup said, catching his pained look. 

"Aigoo, your hyung's so clumsy, I kind of fell--" And he lifted the back of his shirt to reveal a shockingly purple bruise forming at the base of his spine. Five voices hissed in sympathy at the sight and Himchan twisted to try to see it himself. "Is it that ba--oh." He caught sight of it in the mirror and grimaced. "That's not great."

"Will you be all right to dance?" Jongup asked, making as if to touch the bruise and then drawing back with a wince before he could. Himchan clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. 

"I'll be fine, Jonguppie. We all know I need the practice," he said lightly. "Anyway, should we start?"

They did, Junhong taking the lead this time. He and Jongup tended to take turns these days when it was just the six of them in the studio. He kept a close eye on Himchan as they warmed up; his hyung was clearly in pain, but, true to form, he didn't complain. Himchan was funny that way; he'd whine and moan about nothing, but then when something was actually wrong, he'd suffer in silence. 

He made it through the warm up and the first run-through, but he looked flushed and seemed to be struggling more than usual. Junhong cast a glance at Yongguk, wondering if he should cut practice short. But Himchan spoke up before he could: "Let's go again, I keep messing up the last turn--" and Yongguk was nodding. so they went again. 

It must be fine, Junhong reasoned. Himchan hyung always sweat buckets during practice. 

Except this clearly wasn't that. 

Himchan was slow on the second turn, and when they all did the crouch in the middle during Junhong's solo, he couldn't seem to find his feet and get up after. Daehyun almost ran right into him. 

"Hyung," he complained, over the music, but then his face changed and he crouched beside him worriedly. "Hyung?"

Junhong hit stop on the stereo and when he turned back, Jongup was at Himchan's other side looking frightened. 

"Yongguk hyung!" he cried--needlessly, because Yongguk was there an instant later, kneeling in front of Himchan.

Junhong circled around to see, and he froze when he did, understanding Jongup's fearful expression. Himchan was _gasping_ like he couldn't breathe, and he'd gone an unhealthy shade of white. 

"Get Kang!" Yongguk barked at no one in particular, and Youngjae darted for the door..

"No," Himchan wheezed. 

"What do you mean _no_?" Yongguk said, the anger in his voice belied by his wide eyes. He suddenly looked very young. 

"I'm--I'm okay." He did seem to be breathing again, in short, painful-sounding gasps. 

"No you're not," Jongup murmured, rubbing circles on Himchan's back. The elder gave a shaky laugh.

"I am, I just--forgot to breathe for a second."

Junhong saw Daehyun and Youngjae exchange a disbelieving look. Youngjae had halted in the doorway, undecided. Yongguk was staring at Himchan. 

"Daehyunnie, Youngjae-ah," he said abruptly. "Take him...to wash his face, get some water." 

Jongup made a small noise of protest and went to stand, obviously intending to go with them as the singers pulled Himchan to his feet. But Yongguk gave him a quelling look and grabbed his sleeve and he subsided. 

"C'mon, hyung, let's splash some color back into your face," Daehyun said, putting an arm around him and leading him to the door. 

Junhong realized he hadn't moved in awhile. Years of dance had taught him that every movement should have a purpose, and at the moment he had no idea what he could do to help.

Yongguk waited until the three members had left the studio before rounding on Jongup.

"How long has he been sick?" he demanded, worry making him sound pissed off. 

"He's not," Jongup said blankly. "I mean, he wasn't. He's been fine--not sleeping enough, but...he's been fine."

Junhong wondered at this. Hadn't he seen Himchan taking painkillers a few times lately? He'd given a start when he caught Junhong watching once. 

"Headache," he'd explained with a pained smile, as if it were something to be embarrassed about. Junhong hadn't questioned him, though; Himchan got headaches whenever he was caffeine-deprived.

Unless.

Some nameless, shapeless suspicion clouded Junhong's thoughts, and his eyes went to his hyung's backpack in its haphazard heap in the corner. His movement had purpose now as he sidled over to it, half-listening to Jongup and Yongguk, still talking. 

"--came in really late last night, but that's not weird or anything--"

"--my fault, I should have been checking on him--"

"--he's been at his parents' house so much--"

Junhong kicked lightly at the bag on the floor. The flap was open. He could see a sweatshirt poking out. He kicked at it again, revealing a set of tangled earbuds hidden inside. 

He heard something, a light rattle.

He kicked the bag again and there was a flash of orange as a bottle slipped out of the inner pocket. His stomach dropped. Before he could stop himself, stop to think, maybe--words like _hyung_ and _privacy_ \--he knelt and plucked the bottle out of Himchan's bag. 

It was a prescription pill bottle, but there was no label. A cluster of small pills rattled inside. Not Aspirin. 

_This doesn't mean anything_ , Junhong thought, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Himchan's. But didn't it, though? Hadn't he seen a flash of orange in Himchan's hand when he'd spotted him popping pills? Or was his memory filling in this detail now where it hadn't existed?

He didn't think it was.

"Hyung?" His voice sounded strange in his ears, harsh and too loud. Yongguk and Jongup stopped talking and looked over. Junhong swallowed hard. "I think we need to take Himchan hyung to the hospital," he said. "Now."

**

There was a spot on the linoleum. Jongup couldn't tell if it was blood. He kept his eyes focused on it, just in case it was the kind of thing you could figure out eventually if you just tried hard enough.

He didn't want to think about anything else.

Not what they were doing in the hospital. Not what might be happening beyond the swinging doors the nurse had led Himchan through. Not what might be in the pill bottle Junhong had unearthed in Himchan's belongings. 

The others were grilling the maknae in hushed whispers. 

"How many times, though?"

"I dunno, like--three or four, maybe? He said he had a headache the first time, I figured--"

"No one's blaming you, Junhongie," Yongguk rushed to reassure him. This was true. Jongup couldn't imagine how any of this could be Junhong's fault. 

Jongup's, though--maybe. He was Himchan's roommate. He was Himchan's _boyfriend_. What kind of partner was he that he'd had no idea? Junhong had pulled out the pills and Jongup had just frozen, unable to take his eyes off the bottle, even when Himchan came back with Youngjae and Daehyun. When Yongguk had said they were taking him to the hospital, he'd scoffed, and Jongup had seen him turn to him for help out of the corner of his eye, but still he couldn't look away. Himchan had followed his gaze to the bottle in Junhong's hand and there had been no excuse, no reasoning. He hadn't said _Those are just painkillers, pabos_ or anything else that could have conceivably made all this okay. 

This was not okay. 

Yongguk had made some excuse to Kang; no one from the company knew where they were. Jongup knew the leader didn't want anyone else involved until they knew what was happening. What Himchan had been taking. 

Jongup hadn't been allowed to see the doctor with Himchan, of course. Why would he? He was just a stupid dancer who couldn't see what was right in front of his stupid face.

"He _has_ been losing weight lately," Daehyun said hesitantly. 

"I thought he was just too busy to eat," Youngjae said. 

"That's never stopped him before..."

"Shut up." Jongup didn't mean to speak. He had his head in his hands by now, massaging his temples. He couldn't look at the others. "All of you just shut up."

"Jongup-ah--" Daehyun went to put an arm around him but he shrugged him off. The spot on the floor _was_ blood. He was sure of it. 

There was a swish of swinging doors. Jongup glanced up to see Himchan walk out, eyes downcast. 

He didn't look so terrifyingly pale anymore, and he'd stopped sweating. He looked normal again. Or not; apparently Jongup was a lousy judge of these things. 

Yongguk stood up. "Well?"

"They said I can go home," Himchan muttered. He wouldn't meet any of their eyes. Yongguk stared at him for a long beat.

"Then we'll go home," he said at last.

**

It was very late, but none of them went to bed. They sat in the common room, the six of them. Jongup was pressed against Himchan's side, a comforting weight. Himchan couldn't bring himself to look at his expression, but at least he was there. 

Yongguk wouldn't sit; he was a stone pillar in the center of the room. Junhong sat on the floor against the wall with his head down. Himchan had an idea the maknae was avoiding his eyes as much as Himchan was avoiding everyone else's. Guilt, he supposed--it seemed Junhong had been the one to figure it out. But Himchan couldn't bring himself to be angry with anyone but himself.

Daehyun and Youngjae were huddled together on the end of the couch, Youngjae chewing methodically on the string of his hoodie. 

"So?" Yongguk prodded. 

Himchan took a long drink of the water Jongup had brought him, then set the glass on the coffee table. 

He began to speak. 

He told it plainly, leaving out any excuses or justifications. The jig was up; he couldn't see the point in embellishing. The group was silent around him until the end. For a long moment, no one spoke. Then, Yongguk.

"How could you be so stupid." It was barely a question. Himchan looked at him for the first time and saw fury in his friend's face. 

For a second, Himchan was chastened, and then his own anger rushed in, heating his face and clenching his fists in his lap. 

"Oh, I don't know," he said stiffly. "Just trying to fulfill my role in the group again, _Bbang_." He spit the nickname like a curse and felt Jongup flinch beside him. Yongguk's eyes narrowed.

"What are you talking about."

"Oh, please. How many interviews? How many times have you said you hoped I'd go back to the way I used to be? Don't tell me this isn't what you meant. All your fasting, your _I just eat to live_ bullshit." He pitched his voice deeper to imitate his friend, a cruel parody. At some point he'd stood up. He and Yongguk glared daggers across the table at each other.

"Don't pretend you thought I'd ever want you to take _drugs_ ," Yongguk snapped. "Don't use me as an excuse."

An _excuse_. "You don't even _know--_ " Himchan couldn't speak for a second as months of hurt welled up in his throat. Every comment any of the members had made, any joke from an MC that they'd laughed at, every time his family mentioned his weight or clucked their tongue in disappointment, every time a fan mentioned it on V App--it was all still there, choking him. 

"What was I supposed to do?" he said finally. "Yeah, I took a shortcut, _forgive me_ , Saint Fucking Bbang; you wouldn't give a shit if I starved myself the old-fashioned way."

"That's bullshit and you know it--"

"I've done it before!" Himchan exploded. "I've done it before and you didn't give a damn then; why would you suddenly care now?"

They'd never discussed this. At the time he'd been too exhausted and beaten down to really think about what he was doing, the plates of food he'd pushed away even as his stomach grumbled in hunger, the meals he'd replaced with cigarettes and coffee. 

And the whole time, every interview, all anyone said was how good he looked. 

Yongguk broke off, staring at him. Himchan's heart was pounding too hard again and he thought back to what the doctor had told him. 

_"Phentermine, or something similar, I'd guess,"_ he'd said, examining the pills and then feeling Himchan's pulse in his neck. _"Really not intended for long-term use; mostly it doesn't cause anything more serious than dry mouth but some people do get heart palpitations, insomnia, shortness of breath...Who prescribed it for you?"_

Himchan had muttered excuses that the doctor clearly saw right through. 

_"Look, it's no problem, Stop taking these for now and switch them out--I've got something that might work for you with fewer side effects."_ He'd filled the prescription for him right then and there. _"Have to keep our idols in top shape, eh?"_ he added with a wink. 

Himchan let out an impatient huff when Yongguk stayed silent. He went and rooted through his bag and pulled out the new pill bottle with its official label and tossed it at Yongguk. It bounced off the rapper's chest and rolled onto the coffee table, coming to rest against a pile of magazines. 

"There," Himchan said. "Doctor-prescribed and sanctioned, I can keep on drugging myself skinny without anyone needing to have any kind of moral crisis about it--"

Jongup picked up the pill bottle suddenly and went to the bathroom. There was a series of splashes and they heard the toilet flush, and then he returned, and slammed the empty pill bottle on the table. 

"No." 

They stared at him. 

"Jongup-ah," Yongguk began, but the dancer jerked his head violently. 

"No. That's enough. We're going to bed." He wrapped a hand around Himchan's wrist and tugged until he followed him, leaving the others in silence in the common room. Jongup slammed the bedroom door and kept a hand pressed against it. He didn't look at Himchan. 

"You're not taking any more pills," he said finally. He still had a hand around his wrist but he still wouldn't look at him. 

"Jongup-ah--"

" _No_." When he turned, Himchan saw that the younger man's lips were a thin line and he had tears in his eyes. "No pills. Get undressed." 

He released him and turned to his side of the room, stripping his t-shirt off and throwing it on the pile of laundry in the corner before rooting around for his pajamas. Himchan stayed still, watching him. Jongup turned around.

"What are you doing? Get ready for bed," he said. 

He was crying, the tears running in a steady stream down his cheeks. He didn't seem to notice.

Himchan went to him, brushing his tears away with his thumbs. 

"Jongup-ah..."

The younger man was stiff in his arms. He pushed him away. "Get ready for bed," he insisted. Fresh tears spilled over, and Himchan was undone in the face of them. Jongup had never been a crier, yet another way he was the odd man out in the group. Himchan had seen him choked up before, but it had been years since he'd actually seen the dancer cry. 

There seemed to be nothing to do but follow his instructions. He undressed silently, pulling on soft pajama pants and crawling into bed. It felt so mundane, and therefore insane on such a singular night. 

He watched Jongup pull on the shorts he slept in, wondering if this was it, if they just weren't going to talk. Jongup flicked off the bedside lamp, shrouding the room in black.

A second later, Himchan let out a breath as the younger man crawled into bed beside him. He rested an arm on Himchan's side and they were silent for awhile, until Himchan's eyes adjusted and he could just make out his boyfriend's face in the dim light coming under the door and through the window. 

"You scared the shit out of me." Jongup spoke first. Himchan touched his cheek lightly, felt the next hot tear fall. 

"I'm sorry."

"I don't--understand."

Himchan ran a hand through the younger man's hair. "What don't you understand?" he asked gently. 

"How could you--how could anyone--look at you and not see you're fucking perfect. It's--I don't understand." His voice rose slightly in frustration and Himchan continued stroking his hair soothingly. He felt sick. He'd made Jongup _cry_ ; he must be some kind of monster. 

The younger man continued before he could think of anything to say. "You know I think you're perfect. Now, before, after the hiatus, all the time--you know that, right?"

"I do." Because he'd said it before, and Jongup didn't lie.

"Why, then?" he said in a small voice, nothing like Yongguk's furious version. 

Himchan sighed and Jongup found his hand in the dark, squeezing it hard. "I don't know," he said finally. "I felt like a disappointment. Not to you--" he squeezed his hand quickly. "I knew how you felt, and--and that mattered. It matters. I believe you think it, I just...don't think you're right."

It was Jongup's turn to sigh. He scooted closer to Himchan in bed and rested his forehead against his. 

"You can't do it anymore," he said. "Not anything. Don't skip meals or take pills or anything. I don't care if you gain a hundred pounds."

"That's easy to _say,_ though--"

"Shut up. I mean it, hyung." There was a new steel in Jongup's voice. "I can't be with you if you're doing this shit. You're _hurting_ yourself. If I can't...help you not want to? Then I can't be with you. I won't watch you kill yourself."

The bottom dropped out of Himchan's world at Jongup's words. He wanted to laugh them off, to say Jongup was being dramatic, that he was hardly _killing_ himself, what an exaggeration.

But Jongup was crying and it was his fault. He wouldn't diminish his feelings. Not Jongup's, not ever. 

"Okay." His voice was so quiet he could barely hear himself, but Jongup tightened his grip on his hand slightly.

"Okay?" he repeated. Himchan nodded.

"I promise," he said. "I hope you're serious about that hundred pounds thing."

Jongup gave a watery laugh and kissed him urgently, and Himchan took a minute to thank whatever god there might be for Moon Jongup. 

They broke apart, tips of their noses touching. 

"I'm sorry I scared you," Himchan said quietly. 

"You won't do it again," Jongup said. It wasn't a question. Himchan nodded his agreement. 

After a long time, they slept. 


	16. Chapter 16

The members of B.A.P had trained themselves over the years to sleep under less-than-ideal circumstances. They slept on planes, trains and buses; in refreshing (not) six-minute increments; and of course sitting up. Occasionally standing. 

This training did not, however, seem to extend to having another member crawl over their body in bed. Daehyun frowned and groanedas he felt someone's knee dig into his side.

"This bed was made for one person," he mumbled as he felt the second body stretch out beside him.

"Then how come you're always climbing in with one of us?" Youngjae said. Daehyun cracked an eye open to glare at his friend. (His _dongsaeng_ , dammit; Youngjae might like to ignore the age difference but Daehyun felt the gap in maturity between them clearly. Mostly.)

"Well. I get cold."

Youngjae just smirked at him. Daehyun huffed a little and made a bit more room for him on the bed. 

"What are you doing in here? It's the middle of the night." He glanced at the clock and saw it read 3:02. He'd only just gotten to sleep. He could see Junhong across the room, sprawled out on his side in bed, blinking over at them. They kept the room lit at all times with a squat little lamp next to the maknae's bed so they wouldn't wake each other when they came in at all hours. No need to go stumbling around in the dark, practically breaking all their toes hitting them against a bed post or something.

Not that they'd learned that lesson the hard way.

"Yongguk hyung's stewing," Youngjae said quietly. "I mean he's pretending to be asleep, but he's doing it really aggressively."

"How does one sleep aggressively?" Daehyun asked, skeptical.

"Haven't you ever watched Himchan hyung before?" Junhong spoke up. Himchan was known the be the most _active_ sleeper in the group, sometimes migrating across beds in his sleep if they were too close together. Daehyun wondered how exactly he and Jongup shared a bed, as he assumed they did these days. He wasn't positive; he'd stopped sneaking in with Jongup when he was cold. It was a huge sacrifice to make, but Daehyun was selfless that way.

Also, he didn't want to risk seeing something he shouldn't.

Also-also he didn't want to face Himchan's wrath if he _did_ see something he shouldn't.

Youngjae propped his head up on one elbow so he could see Junhong over Daehyun. 

"Exactly," he agreed. "Except not at all the same because Himchan hyung's just naturally spastic and Yongguk hyung's really upset right now and I don't know what to do." He sighed. Daehyun sighed. Across the room, Junhong sighed.

It had been a little like the end of the world. Daehyun couldn't remember ever seeing his hyungs fight like that before. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen them fight, period. Sure, Yongguk would get annoyed with Himchan--Himchan kind of lived to get a rise out of him and he was very good at it--but he'd never seen them angry at each other like that. 

Plus, Himchan.

Daehyun didn't know _what_ to think of those pills. He was uncomfortably aware of too many comments he'd made in the past year about his hyung's weight. He lived to get a rise out of Himchan (and come to think of it, Youngjae lived to get a rise out of Daehyun; it went through the group all the way down to the maknaes, who were apparently the nice ones), and this was just one method. 

He felt sick with himself now. And oddly grateful Jongup had punched him all those months ago, as that had forced him to cut down on that particular joke. 

He glanced from Youngjae's worried scowl to Junhong's. Shit, he was the hyung in the room, he realized. He needed to reassure them.

"It'll be fine," he said authoritatively.

" _You_ don't know," Youngjae said immediately. Daehyun pinched him.

"Of course I do!" He was sure he was right. He just wasn't sure which "it" he was referring to. 

"Do you think Himchan hyung's mad at me?" Junhong asked softly. 

"No, Junhongie," Daehyun and Youngjae spoke together. Daehyun was at least sure of this. Himchan and Junhong liked to pester each other and Himchan would pretend to get annoyed with him, but he never really got angry. It was impossible to be mad at Junhong. 

"You did the right thing, anyway," Daehyun continued. "If he'd kept taking those things he could have had a heart attack." The guilt hit him again and he couldn't look at the others. 

"What do we do?" Youngjae asked, serious for once.

Daehyun considered this. He didn't know how to help his hyungs make up. They'd always been a team, a unit, and no matter how close he was with Himchan or how close he felt to Yongguk these days, he still had trouble when it was the two of them together. They were The Hyungs, clearly, and had something Daehyun wasn't a part of. 

The other stuff, though.

"We make sure Himchan hyung eats," he said. "And not make it a big deal."

"We shouldn't read the comments on V App when fans say stuff about his weight," Youngjae agreed, brightening slightly. 

"We can all eat together," Junhong put in. "So we can make sure he does."

"He's still going to the hospital all the time, though."

"Do you think we should tell--I don't know--Hana, or something?" Youngjae asked. Daehyun grimaced. Himchan's sister had helped out the group before with logos and promotions, and she knew them all well. But if Himchan wasn't angry with anyone but Yongguk now, telling his family what had been going on would be a real quick way to change that.

"No," he decided. "She's got so much going on with their mom too. We've got this. Besides...Jongup."

Youngjae and Junhong nodded. Daehyun thought of the dancer's face when he came back from the bathroom with the empty pill bottle. He thought the sheer force of his anger might just be enough to get Himchan through this okay, so long as Jongup hadn't killed him already. 

"And Himchan and Yongguk hyung?"

Daehyun shrugged. Youngjae shrugged back. "I'm sure they'll be fine," he said uncertainly.

They sighed again.

**

Himchan almost hit Jongup but he ducked easily. It helped that he was awake and the older man wasn't. He draped his arm over Himchan's shoulder, effectively pinning his arms in place. 

Himchan was frowning in his sleep.

Jongup was frowning in his not-sleep.

He'd been awake most of the night, watching Himchan and unable to stop himself from going round and around in mental circles. This was still better than sleeping; when he'd fallen into a thin doze, he'd dreamt of a huge warehouse of a pharmacy with pill bottles lining shelves that stretched into a distant horizon and reached for a dark sky. There was a stage in the middle of it all, and Himchan was there, surrounded by instruments.

"For my next number--" he said into the microphone, and downed a handful of pills. His face went purple and he began choking while a massive audience cheered and clapped and kept Jongup from reaching him.

Awake was better.

Awake, he could watch. Awake, he could make sure Himchan was breathing.

Maybe he was being dramatic, but he didn't care.

At least Himchan was sleeping, however fitfully. It helped a little, weirdly, having to hold him down. It gave Jongup something to do with his hands when he really wanted to hit something. He was almost sorry he'd flushed those pills; it would have been more satisfying to take a hammer to them, one by one. 

He didn't understand. 

Normally, Jongup liked things he couldn't understand. He didn't understand much about outer space, for example, and this made him very happy, gave him a singular questing ache in his chest when he tried to imagine the unimaginable.

He didn't understand how Junhong's body moved sometimes, and he liked studying it, liked figuring out the physics of his best friend.

He didn't understand how being around Himchan was the only time he was really aware of his heart in his chest, like Himchan carried it around with him and would only return it to Jongup when they were together.

(Actually, part of him _did_ understand this, he just couldn't put words to it. But words were kind of overrated.)

But he definitely, positively, did not understand how anyone could think Himchan was less than perfect. Not that _perfect_ meant to other people what it meant to Jongup. To Jongup, Himchan was perfect because of all the weird mismatched bits that made up his personality--how he could tease them all mercilessly while still being so goddamned protective of them; how he could seem to wear his every feeling out in the open and yet keep huge fucking secrets to himself; his ability to laugh at himself while still taking himself way too seriously.

How could anyone look at him and think the surface was the important part?

Himchan shifted in his arms again, but differently now. Jongup caught the catch in his breaths and knew he was waking up. He kissed his neck and kept his face buried there, breathing him in. After a minute, Himchan hummed and his hand found Jongup's. 

"Hi," he mumbled. 

"Hi," Jongup said, the word muffled in his shoulder. He felt him laugh and then he loosened his grip to let him roll over in his arms. Himchan smiled his sleepy smile at him and Jongup felt his heart slot into place in his chest. 

"You didn't sleep?" Himchan said, touching Jongup's brow lightly. 

"I'm okay. How do you feel?"

"I'm not sick."

"Himchannie."

Himchan's smile faded and he looked away. Jongup put his head down so his nose was against the other man's cheek. He pressed a hand to his bare chest so he could feel his heartbeat, steady and reassuring. Jongup wasn't going to let anything get close enough to fuck that rhythm up again. 

"I--don't want to backslide," Himchan said finally. 

"What do you mean?"

"I've lost some weight, I look good, I don't want to gain it all back."

Jongup frowned. He imagined a tiny version of himself in Himchan's brain, drop-kicking every such thought that tried to enter. 

"You looked good before."

"You know that's not true." Himchan's voice was so quiet he almost didn't hear it. Except he _did_ hear it, and the urge to hit something was back and very strong. It was probably a good thing Himchan hadn't named the dancer who'd set him up with those pills; if Jongup ever figured out who it was he was going to kill him. 

He rolled over onto Himchan and flicked his forehead. 

"Ow!"

"There's more where that came from," he warned. "I'm telling you you looked good before. Amazing, actually. I should know, I spend a lot of time looking at you."

Himchan smiled slightly, then rolled over to grab the small bottle of mouthwash from the bedside table. Jongup rolled his eyes but let him, taking a swig for himself, knowing he wouldn't be allowed to kiss him until they did this. They spat into the little cup on the table ("Oh, like _that's_ not disgusting," Youngjae said when he'd seen this). 

"You're a little biased," Himchan said now. Jongup couldn't see what this had to do with anything. So he was biased. Sometimes he stared at Himchan so hard because with every day, he could see his outsides less and less. All he could see when he looked at him was the _real_ stuff, the inside stuff. He had to really focus to see what Himchan looked like anymore because he was all covered in Jongup's feelings for him. 

He didn't know exactly how to describe this, so he didn't.

"I'm right," he said instead. He dipped his head to capture Himchan's lips gently, tasting the sharp mint on them. He drew back to study the other man's expression, which was fond but skeptical. "Admit I'm right," he insisted. 

"You're sweet."

Jongup kissed him harder. 

"I am not," he said. Himchan's smile got realer.

"You are, though."

He kissed him again. 

"No. I'm right. Admit I'm right about this."

"Or what, exactly?"

Jongup paused, stumped. He didn't have a whole lot of leverage here. There wasn't much he could do to punish Himchan without also punishing himself. 

"I'll--tie you to the bed?" he tried. Himchan's smile widened. "And then leave you alone," he added hastily. 

"I think someone might notice," Himchan said. He traced Jongup's jawline with the tip of a finger. "We don't have to agree, you know," he said. "I'll still keep my promise."

Jongup nodded, choked up suddenly. Himchan keeping his promise, stopping the pills and the starvation diets--that was important.

But he wanted him to see himself the way Jongup did, too. He wanted him to understand how amazing he was--not in a glib, over-the-top way for the cameras, but the _real_ way, right through to his bones. 

He supposed this might be a one-thing-at-a-time situation. 

**

Yongguk was in the kitchen when Himchan and Jongup came out. Himchan felt the younger man stiffen slightly beside him. Yongguk looked up, his face unreadable, even to Himchan. 

He used to always be able to read him.

"Good morning," he said. "There's coffee."

His voice was oddly formal, and it made something go stony in Himchan's chest. 

"Thank you," he said, matching the rapper's tone. He took a few mugs out of the cabinet and poured a cup for Jongup first. His boyfriend was watching Yongguk with a faint air of hostility. Himchan had to nudge him to get him to take the cup before he could pour his own. 

"What's on the schedule today?" he had to ask. Usually he was on top of these things but there had been so much in the past months, his mother's physical therapy appointments and the hours someone had to be at his parents' house to greet the builders, plus all of B.A.P's performances and training sessions. He'd given up trying to keep it all straight in his head. 

"We're filming promos for next month's concert. Then rehearsal, and I have a meeting to talk about the next album," Yongguk said in that same polite tone. Himchan scowled into his coffee for a second. Once upon a time, he and Yongguk had talked through album plans together, trading ideas back and forth. Yongguk always had the final say, of course, but it had been nice to feel included in the process. They hadn't done this since Matrix, though. Somehow Himchan hadn't noticed before now.

Junhong and Youngjae filed into the kitchen, and Himchan didn't miss the way the maknae tensed slightly at the sight of him, his gaze going shifty and nervous. Shit. Himchan supposed he needed to talk to the dongsaengs.

Better them than Yongguk.

"You two want coffee?" he offered, pulling more mugs out of the cabinet.

"Yes please," Junhong mumbled, not meeting his eyes. Himchan filled the mugs and handed them over. 

Youngjae met his gaze steadily and Himchan gave him an apologetic smile. The younger shook his head slightly, smiling back. He looked a little sad and he pressed against Himchan's side unnecessarily on his way to the fridge, a comforting not-hug.

Junhong still looked like he was waiting for Himchan to shout at him or something. 

"I'm gonna shower," Jongup murmured, downing his coffee--as always--with a lack of enjoyment Himchan found baffling. He pressed Himchan's hand as he put his mug in the sink, then gave the maknae a pointed look. Himchan nodded. 

Yongguk was staring at his phone, determinedly not looking at Himchan. Fine. He tugged the maknae's arm until he followed him out into the common room.

"Sit with me a second, okay Junhongie?" he said. The taller boy just nodded and sat next to him on the couch, posture stiff, staring into his coffee cup. Himchan waited, and after a minute the maknae spoke.

"I'm really sorry, hyung."

"What for?"

"I--found the...you know. In your bag?"

Himchan sighed. He'd give anything for it not to have been Junhong who had, anything to get that look off the boy's face. What kind of hyung was he?

"You don't need to be sorry," he told him. "I do."

Junhong chanced a wide-eyed look at him. Himchan nodded. 

"That was on me, okay? Not you. You're fine," he said emphatically.

"But--"

"No buts. But nothing. I'm not mad at you, Junhongie." He saw his shoulders relax fractionally.

"But," Junhong said again, more slowly. "Are you--are you okay, hyung?" he looked at him again, his gaze searching, worried. Old and young at once, somehow.

"I--" Himchan almost brushed the question off. Made himself stop. When had lying become so reflexive? "Not really," he said. "But I'm going to be better." Had to be. Jongup would leave him, he'd said. Himchan didn't want to test his resolve on that one. 

Junhong put his mug on the table suddenly and put his arms around Himchan. He almost spilled his own coffee in his surprise, then patted Junhong's shoulder as best he could and kissed the top of his head. Looking past him he saw Yongguk in the doorway, that same blank look on his face. 

"We need to leave in twenty minutes," was all he said.

**

Jongup hung back to let Daehyun climb into the way-back seat with Himchan. He'd seen the guilt and worry on his friend's face and knew he wanted to talk to Himchan, reassure himself he was okay. Jongup sat in the middle row with Youngjae and Junhong, soothed by the sound of his friends' voices behind him.

He glared at the back of Yongguk's head.

Maybe this was unfair.

But Himchan had been right. Yongguk had to have known, _must_ have known back then what Himchan was doing, how he was starving himself. Jongup had assumed they'd talked about it; this was before Himchan would have confided in Jongup and he'd just figured the hyungs  _must_ have.

But apparently he'd figured wrong. Yongguk had been the one person who could have confronted Himchan about it back then, and he hadn't. And this time...He and Himchan had been very _careful_ with each other all morning. Jongup didn't want them careful; he wanted them to yell it out if they had to, but there had to be _something_. Yongguk wasn't even trying. 

And so Jongup just glared. 

**

Himchan didn't have a chance to slip away until after dinner. He'd choked down the meal as best he could, too aware of four of his five members' eyes watching his every move.

Yongguk still wasn't looking at him.

Himchan couldn't bring himself to care. All day he felt off, tired and cranky and headachey and _hungry_. He hated it. 

He thought of the third locker from the left in the gym. All he had to do was send one little text and leave some cash. 

How easy it would be to lose Jongup forever. 

He took some Aspirin and drank water and powered through, trying not to let the strain show. He joked and flirted with Daehyun and Youngjae through the promo filming, Jongup's hand a constant light pressure at his back. He forced himself to focus through rehearsal, not wanting to be the one to slow things down or trip the others up again. When they broke for dinner, he made himself eat, even though he felt disgusted with himself the whole time.

After, though, Yongguk left for his meeting (Himchan felt instantly lighter with him gone, an end to all their forced courtesy) and the others began to disperse for practices--vocals for Youngjae and Daehyun, dance for the maknaes. 

He could see Jongup didn't want to leave his side and tried to reassure him.

"I'm going to one of the piano practice rooms," he said.

"You don't want to rehearse with us?" Daehyun said. Himchan fought not to roll his eyes. He never rehearsed with them, only with the entire group. It would be a waste of everyone's time; the main vocalists had so much more to do than he did. Daehyun only wanted to keep an eye on him and as much as Himchan knew he meant well, knew they _all_ meant well, he was chafing under their attention. 

Plus there was something he had to do.

"Nah, I want to go start my next masterpiece," he told Daehyun, winking at Jongup and Junhong. Jongup was looking at him intensely in that way of his, like he was trying to burrow into his brain and read his every thought. He nodded a little reluctantly. Himchan wondered how long it would be before he trusted him again.

They all parted ways and Himchan made for the gym. 

He almost missed him; Junho was in a crowded cluster by the weights. He caught sight of Himchan, waving from the doorway, and made his way over to him. 

"Hyung," he said, smiling in a worried kind of way. "I heard about your mom, I've been meaning to ca--"

"We have to talk," Himchan interrupted, pulling him aside. They went outside to a secluded stretch of roof where trainees sometimes smoked covertly, but which was currently abandoned. 

Himchan filled his friend in on the events of the past few days.

"Shit, hyung, I'm so sorry, I never would have suggested--"

He waved his apologies away. "That's not my point. You need to stop taking them, they're dangerous," he said. 

"Well--I mean, you said the doctor said those effects were unusual," Junho hedged. Himchan gave him an incredulous look. 

"You really want to take that risk? What if something happens in front of one of the managers? I got lucky, it was just my members in the room, no one from the company knows--what?" Because Junho was giving him an oddly pitying look. 

"Sorry hyung, I thought that was clear--they already know," he said. Himchan blinked.

"What? Who?"

"The managers. The _company_ , really; it's just one of those things?"

"One of _what_ things."

"Like...they just _know_. And turn a blind eye, like. So if something happened in front of a manager, it'd be okay."

Himchan felt sick. He also felt like an idiot. Of course TS knew about it. They'd known back when he was starving himself, too. They'd never openly encouraged it, but there had been ample opportunity for them to stop it. Like they could have stopped this, apparently.

"But. There are safer ways," he said dumbly. Junho gave an apologetic shrug. 

"Look, I need to get back, but...I'm really glad you're okay, hyung. You look amazing, too."

Himchan had a sudden vision of Jongup showing up and pushing Junho off the roof. He half-expected his boyfriend to be there when he turned back to go inside. 

If he'd looked up he might have seen him watching from the window three stories higher.

**

Jongup wished he had a pair of those Extendable Ears from Harry Potter to let him eavesdrop on Himchan and the dancer while they talked on the roof. Jongup didn't want to be suspicious of Himchan, didn't want to spy or follow him. But he'd seen how miserable he'd been all day, much as he'd worked to hide it. Jongup hadn't quite been able to let him out of his sight.

For all he knew, this was nothing. Himchan had tons of friends, he could just be updating this one on his mother's condition and that was why they looked so serious.

Somehow he doubted it, though.

He watched the dancer leave Himchan alone on the roof, looking upset.

Jongup made for the stairs, passing Junhong in the doorway as he went.

"Hyung?"

"I'll be right back," he muttered.

He took the steps too fast, almost stumbling, his anger mounting as he descended. That guy had given Himchan the pills, he was sure of it. 

He almost ran into Himchan outside the stairwell, saw his boyfriend pass the window in the door. Jongup paused, panting slightly, letting Himchan go. Then he poked his head out the door and watched him turn down the hallway toward the elevators. Heading for the music practice rooms, as he'd said. 

Jongup had to trust him. He _had_ to.

The dancer was nowhere to be seen, which meant he could only have gone into the gym. 

Jongup's hands were in fists at his side as he made for the door. 

Just before he could throw it open, though, there was a hand on his upper arm, hauling him back.

"What are you doing, hyung?" Junhong demanded. Jongup hadn't even heard the maknae following him.

"Let go of me, Junhong-ah."

"No. No way. Not with your face like that," Junhong said, pulling him insistently back toward the stairwell. "What are you doing?"

Jongup shook him off. "I think I know who gave Himchan the pills," he said quietly. Junhong's eyes widened for a second but his expression didn't lose its resolve. 

"You can't go beating up some guy in the middle of the gym," he hissed. "Not after Daehyunnie--probation, remember?"

Jongup stopped. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears, longing for an outlet, the release of some internal pressure. How was he supposed to just... _bear_ this?

But Junhong was right. There had been no official follow-up after he'd hit his teammate and been placed on probation, but the company could hardly look the other way if he did it again. 

And he wouldn't stop at one punch if he got started on this guy. 

"Himchan hyung would blame himself," Junhong said, and Jongup sagged. His friend knew exactly which buttons to press. He slumped against the wall, miserable.

"Someone _gave_ him those pills," he said softly. "They could have killed him. How can we just...not do anything? How is that right?"

"It's not," Junhong said. "Nothing about this is right. But hyung wouldn't want you to do anything; you _know_ he wouldn't."

Jongup massaged his temples, willing the pressure to let up. Junhong patted his shoulder. 

"What if I just kind of...tripped, and smashed his face into a mirror?" Jongup suggested. 

"You said you only _thought_ he was the one who gave him the pills. What if you're wrong?"

He gave a growl and pushed himself off the wall, began stomping back up the stairs. "Stop making sense."

"Hyung?"

Jongup turned back to see Junhong still standing at the base of the stairs. 

"What?"

"You know I get why you want to, right? Just...we can't, that's all." He gave him a pleading look. Jongup nodded. 

"Dance it out, right?" he said dryly. His friend smiled a little. 

"One Shot?" he suggested. "Angriest dance _I_ know."

"We could throw some No Mercy in there."

"Yes! And--and Warrior. Our dances used to be a lot more hardcore," Junhong observed as they left the stairwell. 

"We could do something about that," Jongup said.

**

He'd been playing scales for an hour and his fingers were still clumsy, his head still too full of reality to lose himself in the music. That was a shame, because Himchan really, really wanted to get lost right now.

He broke off in the middle of the progression and stared at the keys. They blurred as he let himself go cross-eyed. 

He hadn't thought it would be this hard. On a hunch, he'd gone online that afternoon while he was waiting to get his makeup done for the promo. It had taken a few tries to work out the spelling of _Phentermine_ , the drug the doctor had told him he'd probably been taking. Once he did, he couldn't stop reading. 

Appetite suppressant: that much he knew. But then, also: _Can cause rapid or irregular heart beat, delirium, panic, psychosis and heart failure._

Oops. 

And the icing on the cake: _This medicine can be habit-forming._

Himchan was very much a creature of habit. He liked habits. He had a coffee habit. A reluctant gym habit. A Jongup habit. 

The Jongup habit conflicted strongly with his new drug habit. As far as he was concerned, that was the only reason he had half a shot at breaking it. 

There was a light knock on the door and he spun away from the piano, grateful for the interruption--

\--until he saw who it was. 

Yongguk's face was as closed-off as it had been that morning. He came in and closed the door, leaned against it, arms folded over his chest. And waited, as though Himchan had been the one to walk in on _him_.

Himchan wasn't going to speak first.

He didn't know what he'd say. Sorry? Fuck you? So he stayed quiet.

Except he was Kim Himchan and he didn't really _do_ quiet, and Yongguk knew it, so him staying quiet was dickish and manipulative and _typical_ and ugh. 

"Did you need something?" Himchan's voice came out clipped and curt, so that was something at least. 

"The next album's gonna be a full-length one," Yongguk rumbled. Himchan felt something deflate inside, some small blossom of hope he didn't even know was there until Yongguk spoke. Mandated. Relayed information, like Himchan was a reporter or an MC, someone Yongguk _had_ to talk to. 

"Fine," he said shortly. "You might let the maknaes have a song on it. They're good writers."

"Yes."

They were quiet, the air thick between them. 

_I'm sorry._

_Fuck you._

"Anything else?" he said finally. God, why did Yongguk have to make it so hard? Why couldn't he just _speak_ like a normal person instead of making Himchan drag every sentence out of him?

"I need you," Yongguk said slowly. The hope blossomed again. "To think about how your actions affect the dongsaengs. We have to set the example."

The hope withered and caught fire while falling off a cliff. And was hit by a train. 

"Right," Himchan said, turning back to the piano. "Should we schedule my self-flagellation for after they get out of practice tonight, or just do it first thing in the morning?"

He heard Yongguk sigh. "I wish you'd take this seriously."

Himchan turned back fast. "You think I'm joking?" he said incredulously. "You think I don't know I fucked up? I made Jonguppie _cry_ , you think I need _you_ to make me feel guilty? I couldn't feel worse, Yongguk-ah, believe me."

The rapper shifted a little, and something came unglued in the armor covering his face--just for a second, then he was back to being unreadable.

"Well. As long as it's not a problem in the future, we're fine," he said. Himchan wanted to laugh in his face. _Fine_ they most decidedly weren't. 

But fuck it--he was tired and hungry again and probably his headache was thanks to withdrawal and he was going to get fat again and basically everything was kind of terrible. He didn't have the energy to draw Yongguk out, to muster up more apologies and however much self-loathing the rapper deemed appropriate. 

"Great," he said, glaring fixedly at the piano keys. 

Yongguk was quiet behind him. Of course. 

"I'll be in the studio," he said finally. Himchan listened to him leave. The door clicked shut behind him, as final as a period.


	17. Chapter 17

**Then**

This was a mistake. 

There was a woman spreading makeup onto Yongguk's cheeks with a soft damp pad. She was centimeters away and staring intently at his face, but Yongguk still had the feeling she was looking right through him. 

A second woman was fiddling with his clothes, pinning them in the back and shaking them out in front so they looked like they fit perfectly, something which apparently couldn't be acheived by him just wearing a different size or something.

A man was playing with his hair. He'd sprayed it with all kinds of stuff to make it glossy and stiff, and now he was combing it out in an attempt to un-stiffen it. 

Yongguk wondered if they ever felt like their jobs were a waste of time. He was getting a sinking feeling that idol life was going to come with a lot of this bullshit. 

The kid, the dancer, was across the room, getting similar treatment to Yongguk but too far away for them to commiserate about it. Although Yongguk wasn't sure the distance was the issue; the kid didn't seem to talk. 

Yongguk could relate.

He wasn't sure how they were supposed to be on the same team, though. But at least the boy-- _Jongup,_ he reminded himself, _his name's Jongup_ \--was better than-- _him._

The only other member selected so far for their developing group was on the other side of the room, but Yongguk could hear him, his loud horsey laugh and his gravelly voice as he joked and chatted with the hair and makeup team. 

They'd just met; he'd marched right over to Yongguk, bowed, and gave him a ridiculously wide rabbit-toothed grin. 

"I'm Kim Himchan. I guess we're together, eh?" he said cheerfully. Yongguk looked him up and down and tried to imagine how the hell anyone had thought he could head up a team with this person. He was fairly certain they were from different planets. For one thing, the guy seemed completely unfazed by the riotous activity surrounding them, the cameras and light techs, the rolling wardrobe racks and terrifying array of makeup being laid out on the tables around them. 

"I guess so," Yongguk said finally. "Unfortunately."

Himchan's smile had flickered but then one of the managers had dragged over the dancer kid and made quick introductions before all three of them were surrounded by the stylist teams.

Soon the three of them would be having their pictures taken together--something about testing their chemistry, so maybe there was still a chance he wouldn't get stuck with that Kim guy--and Yongguk was close to bolting. What the hell was he doing here? He was an underground rapper, not an idol. He didn't have the looks, for one. And he had no idea how to talk to people he didn't already know. As Jepp Blackman, this was no problem; it all lent him a _mystique_. Here, they'd probably expect him to be as effusive and fake-happy as Kim. 

He tried to calm himself by watching Jongup. At least he was quiet too. They could be quiet together, maybe. The stylists finally left the kid alone and he rocked from one foot to the other, the motion revealing his disquiet although his face looked calm. 

As Yongguk watched, Himchan came up behind the dancer. He looked fucking ethereal all made-up like this. He looked like he belonged here. Yongguk's dislike deepened. 

Himchan clapped a hand lightly on Jongup's shoulder. The dancer jumped, then went still as Himchan came around and smiled at him, said something. Jongup gave a small shrug and Himchan said something that made himself laugh (he was one of _those_ people, then; Yongguk might have known). Jongup nodded and said maybe three words--but then he smiled for the first time, and fuck. He really _was_ just a kid, and Yongguk was being all awkward in the corner while Himchan actually made an effort to put the boy at ease. Some of Yongguk's dislike shifted away from Kim and in his own direction. 

Some. 

**

There was a racket happening when Yongguk entered the dorm for the first time. He dumped his duffel bag on the floor and listened to the pounding. They couldn't still be building, could they?

It sounded too rhythmic for construction, anyway. 

He followed the sound to the bedroom at the end of the hall, where he found Kim Himchan sitting in the middle of the floor, banging away at some sort of drum. He had his eyes closed and his brow was furrowed. He wasn't wearing makeup and actually looked normal in plaid pajama pants and a black t-shirt. 

Yongguk stopped in the doorway, startled. This he had not expected. This was...cool. Himchan seemed to be in his own world, so Yongguk sat down on the floor across from him and watched, trying to place the instrument. He'd seen it before, but the name escaped him. Himchan played with an ease but also a _fervor_ that Yongguk wouldn't have expected from him. 

Not, he reflected a bit guiltily, that he actually knew anything about this guy. 

Himchan stopped playing abruptly and opened his eyes, and he and Yongguk both jumped as their eyes met. 

"Aishh, you scared me!" Himchan said, laughing. Yongguk made a mental note: this was a boy who reacted to the unexpected with a smile. Yongguk typically did not. 

"Sorry," he said. 

"How long have you been sitting there?"

"Minute." Yongguk looked at the drum, motioned with a hand. "What is that thing?"

"It's a janggu, a traditional drum."

"Where'd you learn to play?"

Himchan cocked his head to the side like a bird, or a puppy. Yongguk found it oddly endearing. "I was a classical music major," he said.

"I thought--weren't you were an MC?" Yongguk stuttered. Himchan laughed. 

"My mom just made me do that to force me to get over my stage fright," he said. Yongguk gave him a doubtful look.

" _You_ get stage fright."

"Ahh, do I hide it well?" Himchan asked, puffing out his chest and sitting up straighter, grinning. "It's not as bad as it used to be."

Yongguk didn't know what to say to this, so he didn't say anything. The other boy didn't seem to mind. He pushed his drum away and stretched. 

"Do you have a lot to unpack?" he asked. Yongguk shrugged and Himchan nodded as if this were any kind of an answer. "So they have us all sharing a room," he went on. "All the beds are in there, anyway. I bet we could push one in here if you want your own space, though." He stood up smoothly and Yongguk followed suit, letting Himchan pass him and lead him to the other room in the hall. It had three bunk beds in it, though only two mattresses were made up, two of the top bunks next to each other. 

"You and Jongup didn't want your own rooms?" Yongguk said. He'd have thought Himchan was the type to demand his own quarters. He shook his head, though.

"Nah, I think Jonguppie's still a little homesick. He doesn't talk much but I think he feels better with someone around. Unless I'm reading him totally wrong and he's plotting to push me off the top bunk one night." He laughed again, seemingly unconcerned at the idea. "You don't talk much either, huh." He didn't say it like it was a bad thing, just gave Yongguk that head tilt and another smile. Something about this smile felt more real than the ones he'd given at the photoshoot. This one was goofier. 

"No." Yongguk left him standing in the doorway and retrieved his duffel bag, returning to the bedroom. He hesitated a beat before tossing his bag up on the last available top bunk. "I may push you off one night if Jongup doesn't," he warned. But he was smiling a little bit now, and something told him it wouldn't come to that.

**

**Now--Week Thirty-five**

 

"Something must be done," Youngjae said darkly.

"Have you thought about minding your own business?" Daehyun suggested. 

"It _is_ my business--it's _all our_ business!" Youngjae protested. They were sitting in the sun drinking coffees because this was the kind of thing you could do when you weren't right in the middle of a promotion cycle. There couldn't be too many days left that would be warm enough to sit outside--in truth it wasn't quite warm enough now, but they were stubbornly pretending to enjoy it as the wind made their eyes water and their noses go red.

Well, Daehyun was pretending to enjoy it. Youngjae was ignoring the weather entirely so he could _scheme_. Typical.

"Just because you're scared of them--" he began. Daehyun hit him, eyes wide.

"I'm not _scared_ of them--"

"You're a little scared, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Hmph." Daehyun sat back in his seat and folded his arms, annoyed. He was not _scared_ of the hyungs. Oh sure, an angry Yongguk was objectively kind of terrifying, but it's not like he was angry at Daehyun, so it didn't intimidate him a bit. 

There was just something _unpleasant_ about the way the air got all charged with angry electricity whenever the hyungs saw each other these days. They were polite enough when they spoke, but they were clearly avoiding being in the same room. 

"It's been three weeks," Youngjae went on. "They're obviously not going to fix this on their own."

"What's up?" Junhong greeted them before Daehyun could respond. He and Jongup pulled chairs over to their small table; fists were bumped, shoulders slapped as the dancers settled in. 

"We were talking about Himchan and Yongguk hyungs and this whole cold war thing they have going on," Youngjae said promptly. Daehyun kicked him under the table. Jongup's eyes went hooded and he looked away, sipping at his own coffee and slouching in a way that was too stiff to look really unconcerned. "What?" Youngjae said. Daehyun rolled his eyes at him. Some people had no tact.

"What do you think, Jongup-ah?" Youngjae went on. Jongup just gave a half shrug. Youngjae nudged Daehyun under the table. Daehyun gave him a pained look in response. 

_Don't make me_ , he whined with his eyes. Youngjae just kicked him again. 

"Maybe you could talk to Himchan hyung," Daehyun said reluctantly, twisting in his seat to remove his legs from the line of fire. 

"I talk to him all the time."

"Maybe you could talk to him about Yongguk, I mean."

"I know what you meant." Jongup's eyes shifted over to Daehyun's and he shrugged. "He doesn't want to talk to him and I don't blame him."

"That's great, Jonguppie," Youngjae said, apparently unable to help himself. "You really don't think it's a problem that two of our members aren't speaking? And one of them is our leader?"

"So let _him_ apologize," Jongup said stubbornly. Youngjae gave a huff and sat back in his seat. For a long moment, uncomfortable silence sat between them like an unwelcome guest. 

"Well we know how stubborn they both are," Youngjae said finally. "I think we'll have to do something."

"Oh no," Daehyun said, peering at him. "Don't even, you're-- _plotting_ ; you've got that _One Shot_ look on your face and everything!"

"Why does everyone always go back to _One Shot_?" Youngjae complained. "You do remember it was an MV, right, and not something that really happened? And it was the director's idea, not mine?"

"He clearly saw right into your soul and knew if any of us were going to betray the others, it'd be you."

"Oh, please, like you wouldn't turn on us in a heartbeat if you were hungry enou--"

"Hyungs?" Junhong interrupted. "We only have like ten minutes before we need to get back?"

"Yeah, focus, pabo," Daehyun smirked at Youngjae. The (much, much) younger vocalist tried to kick him again but his legs were still out of reach, so there. 

"Fine," Youngjae relented. "As it happens, I _do_ have a plan." He pointed his cup at Jongup. "You can't tell Himchan hyung or it won't work. Promise you'll keep quiet. I mean promise _out loud_ , don't just stare at me like a--"

"Leave me out of it," Jongup said, checking his watch and standing. "Your plans always wind up going terribly anyway--"

"Hey!"

"We have a couple minutes," Junhong reminded Jongup, squinting up at him. 

"I know, I said I'd bring Himchan a coffee. I _won't say anything_ , get that look off your face, Jae." The dancer headed back to the counter, tossing back over his shoulder as he went: "Just try not to get anyone shot this time..."

"Yah, it was _an MV_!" Youngjae called after him. Daehyun laughed while Junhong merely snickered behind his hand. Youngjae fluffed his hair in annoyance. "Anyway," he said, turning back to what was left of his audience. "Here's the plan."

**

Mixing was going badly. 

Yongguk had what he had thought was a decent song, but in trying to mix it with the bare-bones melody the composer hyungs had sent over, it had turned clunky and stale somehow. He'd been working for three days straight and seemed no closer to getting a decent song he could actually use on an album.

And he had to do this fourteen times. Stupid full-length albums. 

He was grateful to hear the ping of his phone as a text came in. He smiled a little to see Junhong's name before he read the message. 

_hyung can we talk? on the smoking roof? i'm not smoking dont worry its just for privacy and air and stuff_

He frowned and shot back a quick response, already heading out the door and downstairs.

It was late, almost midnight, and he'd thought the members would all be back at the dorm by now. Their schedules were lighter without daily performances. 

His phone pinged again: _thanks hyung meet you there_

He hoped everything was okay. He hadn't been hiding exactly--okay, fine. He'd kind of been hiding, or at least _avoiding_ the dorm, avoiding the others. Everything was still wrong with Himchan, and he was pretty sure Jongup was pissed at him too, and the others were probably all freaked out.

Usually Himchan smoothed these things over. 

He tried to push him out of his mind as he slipped out the window to the stretch of roof everyone used for smoking. Junhong wasn't there yet, nor was anyone else. Yongguk hadn't been out here himself since he quit smoking years before, and he was struck fresh by what a nice spot it was, with the city laid out before him. 

It was cold, though, the wind biting. He should have brought a jacket. He pulled his hands up into his shirt-sleeves and made his way to the edge, distracted from the cold by the view. He liked looking at cities from above; always had. You could sense the energy of them without being surrounded and overwhelmed by it. 

The window creaked behind him and he turned, expecting to see the maknae. He went still when he saw Himchan instead. 

Himchan clearly hadn't expected to find him, either. He paused. 

"Junhongie texted me," he said. Yongguk sighed. 

"Me too," he said. 

Behind Himchan, the window slammed shut. They turned to see the apologetic-but-not-nearly-apologetic-enough faces of Youngjae and Daehyun. Himchan darted over to the window and banged on the glass irritably.

"Yahh, what are you doing?" he demanded.

"Sorry hyungs, it just closed on its own somehow!" Youngjae called, his voice slightly muffled through the glass. 

"Yoo Youngjae, I know where you sleep!" Himchan threatened. "Daehyun-ah!"

Yongguk joined him at the window, giving his best glare to the vocalists. They seemed to have been anticipating this attack and averted their eyes. 

"We'll get someone from maintenance to come get this open," Daehyun said. "Sit tight, hyungs...you could talk or whatever...I think I left my scarf out there earlier, so if you get cold..." and he pointed to a corner of the roof where, Yongguk saw now, there was indeed a scarf, neatly folded. 

It was a shame the singers weren't looking at him because Yongguk's glare was positively top-notch right now. Himchan pounded on the glass a few more times but the vocalists turned and fled. Yongguk tried to remember if there was anyone else he knew in the building. He took out his phone and considered calling Kang, but--fuck. It was late and their manager had a family, and he deserved what little break he could get. Yongguk wouldn't disturb him so late just because of whatever childish nonsense was happening right now. 

"Aishhh, those two," Himchan huffed. He glanced at Yongguk and they both looked away again quickly, then Himchan pulled out his phone and dialed. 

"Jongup-ah," he whined after a second. "Where are you?...I'm at the studio, _on the roof_ , our friends are horrible and--what?...Why didn't you say someth--What does fair have to do with it? You're only supposed to be fair to me!"

Yongguk almost smiled before he remembered. His phone pinged again. Junhong. 

_Sorry hyung it's for your own good youngjae and daehyun hyung said so_

Ping.

_also i agree with them sorry though sorry hyung_

Ping. 

_i told daehyun to leave something warm for you tell me if he didn't i'll drop something out the window for you_

Ping. 

_(sorry.)_

Yongguk craned his neck to try to see if the maknae was watching through any of the higher windows in the building. He thought he saw a shadow in one, but it was gone too quickly to make it out. Himchan ranted on beside him. 

"-I _know_ it was Youngjae's idea, this is _One Shot_ all over aga--why are you laughing?" His tone turned wheedling. "Jonguppie-ahhh, it's freezing up here. Can't you just--?" He listened for a time, pouting. Yongguk turned away, wandered a few steps back toward the edge. Not that he was thinking about jumping or anything. 

"Fine," Himchan muttered. "You can pick up my frozen corpse in the morning. Oh, don't even, if you _loved_ me you'd help me!" And he hung up with a loud huff. 

Then they were silent. Yongguk finally chanced a glance at the other man; Himchan was no better prepared for the night's chill than he was. He'd pulled his arms into his shirt and clearly had them folded across his chest. His hair blew wildly with every gust of wind. It was getting so long. He was staring out at the city. As Yongguk watched, his eyes flickered over to him again. They both looked away. 

"Might as well get that scarf," Himchan sniffed after a minute. "You look freezing."

Yongguk shrugged, but he _was_ awfully cold. He retrieved the scarf and wrapped half of it around his neck, then held out the other end to Himchan wordlessly. Himchan scowled. 

"That's just what they want," he said shortly, and wandered a bit away to look at the city. 

**

**Then**

 

The pounding on the door filtered through the music ringing through his headphones and Yongguk tugged them off reluctantly.

No one was supposed to know he was back except Natasha and Yongnam, but he was staying with Natasha and Yongnam had a key, so.

He thought he probably knew who it was. 

He padded to the front hall--he was still in his pajama pants and nothing else--and opened the door.

Himchan was holding two plastic cups of what could only be iced americanos; he had stacked the cups and was drinking out of the top one. He arched an eyebrow when he saw Yongguk and his eyes flickered down to the new piece on his chest. 

Yongguk experienced a strange doubling sensation as the boy he had last seen months ago resolved himself into the current version before him. His hair was black again, and long enough he'd tied it back into a small ponytail. His cheeks had gone from sharp to rounded and his clothes no longer hung off him. He looked _healthy_. 

"How'd you know I was back?" Yongguk said. It came out colder than he'd meant, like he wasn't happy to see Himchan. 

He wasn't sure "happy" _was_ the word, but it did feel a bit like having one of his limbs clicking back into place. 

"You posted the tattoo on Instagram, pabo. I figured you weren't about to let anyone but Natasha do something so big, so...I can't believe I had to find out about it on SNS. Are you going to invite me in? I got you a coffee, but I'll drink it if you don't want it. Did you just get up?"

As always, words flowed from Himchan like water from a tap. He stepped around Yongguk into the house and toed off his shoes, handing over the second cup and a straw he'd tucked in his back pocket. 

"I was up," Yongguk said. "And I didn't think I had to run my tattoos by you first." He was smiling. He couldn't help it. Everything from the coffee to the slight whiff of cologne to the way Himchan kept one hand in his pocket as he followed him to the back patio just spelled _home_ to him.

"You should," Himchan told him, stretching out regally on one of the deck chairs. "You _should_ run your tattoos by me; I'm the one who's going to have to look at them for the rest of  my life."

"You make it sound like we're married." Yongguk tried to sound severe, but really he felt _relieved_ ; the group may have been on indefinite hiatus, Yongguk may have fucked everything up for all of them, but Himchan was still planning to stick around. Yongguk would take it.

Himchan scoffed. "I'm too needy to marry someone like you. I need someone who'll pay attention to me," he said, so seriously it made Yongguk crack up. He leaned back in his own seat and surveyed his friend. Himchan let him, taking it as his due. Himchan was used to people staring at him. 

He looked older. Not in a bad way, just...when they'd parted, Yongguk had still been thinking of him as a boy. The Kim Himchan here now was clearly a man. 

"I thought you were still in America," he said by way of excuse for his own silence. Himchan rolled his eyes. 

"Check your email, Bbang. I wrote you all about it, I've been back for weeks. Something you might have known if you answered your phone once in awhile."

Yongguk just nodded. He'd been traveling solo for months. He'd meant it to be a week or two, but then he hadn't wanted to come back. It had been soothing to escape Seoul, escape the uncertainty and the judgement and his own doubts. They'd all been crowding back in since the minute he got off the train. 

"Have you seen the kids?" he asked. 

"Spent a few days in Busan with Daehyunnie when I got back," Himchan began. He frowned. "He's drinking too much," he added, almost to himself. "He's practicing hard, though. So's Youngjae; we've been out a few times. He's very _steady,_ you know, you'd never think anything was wrong."

"And Jonguppie?" Yongguk eyed his friend carefully. In the last months leading up to the lawsuit, he thought he'd seen something shift between Himchan and the dancer. 

The two had always been close, but after Himchan returned after his injury, Jongup barely let him out of his sight. He'd been especially tuned to Himchan's changeable moods, always ready with a smile or a perfectly random observation if the elder ever gave off a hint of unhappiness. And for his part, there was a new _thing_ in Himchan's eyes every time he looked at Jongup. The two of them had been spending more time alone, too. Once, Yongguk had left them chatting on the couch one night only to find them still there come morning, legs tangled together, still talking. Neither had noticed the time passing. 

"He's fine," Himchan said now, taking another sip of his americano. In just two words, something softened in his voice. "He refuses to do anything with SNS, of course, so I'm forced to take him out every week just to make sure he's still alive. So far, so good." His words were careless, but that _thing_ was back in his expression. 

That was okay. Himchan took very, very good care of the people he loved. Better than Yongguk.

He was feeling sorry for himself again. He pushed it away.

"Junhongie?" He couldn't look at him as he asked after their maknae. Just saying his name made him sick with guilt and grief. 

Himchan didn't say anything. Then he didn't say anything some more, and finally Yongguk had to look at him. He was giving him a very understanding look. 

"He's good, Bbang," he said quietly. "He's back from Canada. He's been writing." He lifted his hips to slide his phone from his back pocket and played with it for a second. "I emailed it to you, should've known you wouldn't check," he said absently. "Here, he's done a whole song--"

He found the file and passed his phone over to Yongguk. 

An orchestral crash before Junhong's vocals. Shit, when had his voice gotten so deep? He gave Himchan a wide-eyed look and his friend nodded. 

The lyrics were tiny paper cuts on Yongguk's insides, making it hard to breathe right. His heart wanted to stop beating. He'd never heard Junhong sound _angry_ before, not in his own words, not saying things that mattered. 

When the song ended Yongguk covered his face with one hand for a minute. Too late, probably; Himchan could read him faster and better than anyone except his own twin. 

When he had himself back under control and chanced a glance at Himchan, he saw he was studiously fishing ice cubes out of his cup with his straw. He sensed Yongguk's gaze, though, because he said casually, "You won't believe it when you see him, he's up another four centimeters, I swear. When we get back, he and Jonguppie are going to look so funny dancing next to each other."

He said it very matter-of-factly, as if their eventual return to the stage were a given, a guarantee. Yongguk wished he had his confidence. 

"So what about you, then?" Himchan went on. 

"What about me what."

"You've been in hiding."

"I have not."

Himchan gave a hearty sniff of disbelief and set aside his empty cup, reaching over and taking Yongguk's ignored americano and beginning to drink. Yongguk had to smile.

"You shouldn't drink so much coffee."

"It's called an addiction, Bbang."

"Addictions are meant to be broken."

"Not the way I do them. The trick is to only get addicted to things that are awesome--coffee and music and, like, watching--the maknaes dance or whatever." He stuttered very slightly at the end. Yongguk wondered what he'd almost said. "Anyway, don't change the subject. You've been hiding out for ages. It's time to come back now."

His expression had gone serious. Yongguk sat up a little straighter.

"Did something happen, or--?"

"Sleepy's seen the lawyers around the building a lot. And he's heard through some gossip-vine or other that the company numbers aren't looking so hot."

Yongguk knew B.A.P brought in good capital for TS. It was just about the only leverage they had. 

"So you think--"

"Something's going to happen soon. At least that's what Sleepy thinks. Kang, too."

Yongguk winced. He owed Kang a phone call. He owed lots of people phone calls. And apologies, probably. 

"We're having dinner tonight," Himchan went on. Yongguk raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "We, the six of us," his friend clarified. "It's time to rally the troops, general."

"You're the general."

"Consider yourself rallied, then, and take over. I'm lousy at being in charge."

Yongguk shook his head. Who else but Himchan was half as good at getting the others smiling when they were exhausted? Who was better at diffusing tension with a single well-timed self-deprecating remark?

"It's a wonder they're all still alive," he agreed dryly. Himchan pursed his lips at him. "I'm glad you've been here," he added. "Sorry I wasn't."

"I know, I know," Himchan said airily, though his eyes were intent on Yongguk's face. "What would you ever do without me?"

**

**Now**

 

They hadn't spoken in a long time. 

Himchan was wandering the edge of the roof; it was really too cold to be still. Yongguk hadn't been able to bring himself to wrap the scarf entirely around himself, and so it wasn't doing him much good. Technically, he supposed it wasn't cold enough to give them hypothermia, but this was only true in the same way that _technically_ he couldn't kill the dongsaengs if they ever came back and released them.

"How long do you think they'll leave us out here," Himchan spoke up first, seeming to read Yongguk's thoughts.  

"Until they think we've...talked, I guess," Yongguk said. 

"So let's tell them we talked," Himchan said irritably, kicking at a cigarette butt on the ground. Roof. Floor. 

"Or we could. Talk," Yongguk said. 

"Who are you and what have you done with Bang Yongguk?" Himchan's joke was half-hearted. 

Yongguk sighed. Everything he was feeling roiled just under the surface. He felt so full he was surprised his skin wasn't rippling. How did other people just _speak_ as though it were as simple as breathing? He could never find the words when he wanted them. He needed weeks or months to write them out and edit the shit out of them, and even then he always felt something got lost in translation. 

The things he felt now he badly needed to say correctly. He'd already fucked it up twice. 

"What were you doing here so late?" It occurred to him to ask. 

"Practice. Piano."

"I didn't know you were doing that again."

"Yeah, well we haven't talked so much in the past few weeks."

"I mean before."

The maknaes' song had come as something of a shock--not just because the dancers' lyrics had impressed him, and not just because he hadn't known they were collaborating on something. When Junhong told him Himchan had composed the music, he felt...what? Confused. Left out, a little, if he was being honest. Why hadn't Himchan told him he was writing music again? He used to tell him everything whether Yongguk wanted to hear it or not, and this definitely fell under the umbrella of things he would have been happy to hear. 

Himchan stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I was just playing around, I didn't even know Junhongie recorded that song. It was so weird, I wouldn't have tried to do anything with it."

"It worked."

"Yeah."

They were quiet again. 

"This is stupid," Himchan said abruptly. "Let's just tell those idiots everything's fine so they let us back inside. Let's just forget the whole thing."

"If that's what you want."

"What I _want_ \--" Himchan repeated, and laughed. "What _I_ want. Okay, sure. Whatever you say."

Yongguk glowered at him, angry again all of a sudden. 

"If you'd just told me what was going on, we wouldn't be here," he snapped. Himchan threw up his hands. 

"Right, because _telling you_ really worked well! Why did I wait so long? It's so helpful to be bathed in your scorn and disappointment, what the hell was I thinking?"

"I'm _worried_ about you."

"Yeah? Funny way of showing it," Himchan muttered. 

Yongguk sighed, scrubbed a hand over his face hard enough that it hurt. 

"I'm not good at this," he reminded the other man. Himchan snorted.

"Don't strain yourself." He was sulking like a child and Yongguk wanted to shake him. He wished there was some way to just project his thoughts onto the side of the building.

"Of course I was pissed at you," he said. "You--broke the rule."

"The _ru--"_

"The rule, yeah, the rule that says we don't _get_ to fuck up like that. You don't get to put yourself at risk; we have _those idiots_ counting on us--" And he motioned to the window above them where three familiar shadows were lurking. At his gesture, they ducked away hastily. "And Jongup," he added. "What happens to them if one of us falls off the edge?"

Himchan stared at him. "You're serious right now," he said. He looked...baffled. This wasn't quite the reaction Yongguk had expected. "You really think--" He broke off and shook his head. "You fucking hypocrite," he said in a tone of wonder. Yongguk blinked.

"What?"

" _What happens if one of us falls off the edge_? Gee, _I_ don't know, let's all turn our memories back to the hiatus when you _fucking disappeared_."

Yongguk's heart gave a painful clang in his chest. "I didn't--we all traveled," he said. 

"That's not what I'm talking about. We did this huge _thing_ , we risked everything, and then you dropped off the edge of the world. Yes, we all traveled, but you were the only one who stopped talking to us--phone calls, emails, texts, I fucking tried all the things and just--nothing! Did you know I pretended for the others that we were talking, just to stop them all freaking out even worse?"

Yongguk hadn't known. Of course he hadn't; he'd never asked. 

"You never said anything," he said through lips that felt suddenly numb. 

"I was afraid you'd shut down on me again if I did. So _don't_ \--" He pointed an accusing finger at Yongguk's chest. "lecture _me_ about thinking about _them_." He motioned at the window and there was another flurry of activity. They both ignored it. "You're the leader; I'm fucking _nothing_."

"Don't talk like that," Yongguk said sharply. The need to explain himself warred with the need to understand what the hell his friend was talking about. "Why would you ever say that?"

"I'm the visual. Or I was. It's not exactly an essential role." Himchan's voice was matter-of-fact, with no trace of self pity. But his expression was so unhappy it physically hurt Yongguk to look at it. 

How had this happened? He frantically scanned his memories for clues he must have missed. He _knew_ Himchan was purposely over-the-top in interviews, exaggerating his own self-confidence for comedic effect. But he'd always thought that, on some level, he must have meant it, too. Yongguk had been so grateful for that confidence. For years, the company had given Himchan so few lines in their songs, no matter how hard Yongguk pressed for him to have more. His role as visual got Yongguk off the hook, in a way. He hadn't even realized that's what was happening. 

He'd been able to give Himchan a few more lines since he started producing, but he wasn't satisfied. If Himchan could be the same visual he'd always been, Yongguk thought, _plus_ have more lines, he'd know he was doing right by him. 

What an idiot. 

"The song you wrote--" he began. The pieces were clicking together in his mind now, too fast for his words to capture. The song was as messy as his own mind felt. He'd always imagined Himchan's brain must be polar opposite to his own; he never knew what his friend was going to say next, after all. He hadn't seen that music in him because he hadn't been looking for it. 

Himchan was watching him with an irritable sort of curiosity. 

"If I'd known you wanted to write music, I'd have had you in the studio with me every day," Yongguk told him quietly. 

Himchan actually took half a step back and turned away, but not before Yongguk saw his throat working. 

He approached his friend and carefully tied the other end of the scarf around his neck. Himchan let out a heavy sigh and wove his arm through Yongguk's. Together they stared out at the city lights.

"I know it was stupid," he said finally. "I knew it was stupid while I was doing it, I just...there was so much happening, and the pills made it easier not to think, if that makes any sense."

Yongguk knew exactly what he meant.

"I let you all down," he said abruptly. Himchan turned to look at him but he couldn't meet his eyes. "I was supposed to protect you and I couldn't. I knew you stopped eating and I couldn't...I didn't know how to help, I couldn't even...so when we filed the lawsuit, I left. It made it easier for me not to think."

He glanced at Himchan very briefly. His friend was staring at him. 

"You dummy," he remarked. "The lawsuit was how you protected us. And it worked. All that other stuff was never your fault." He nudged him. "I _knew_ you were keeping something from me when I went to get you at Natasha's when you came back. Next time I'm going to beat it out of you."

Yongguk laughed. He couldn't help it. The only people who brought out violence in Kim Himchan were still watching them from that window. When he glanced over at him, he saw Himchan was smiling a little now. 

Impulsively, Yongguk began, "I could use your help on this new song, it's not coming tog--"

The window creaked open behind them and they both jumped, tried to turn, got tangled up in the scarf stretching between them.

Himchan made a strangled sound and then Yongguk was laughing again and then _Himchan_ was laughing, too, ripping the scarf away from himself like it was a snake. 

"Get _off_ of me!" he huffed at it, accidentally pulling it taut around Yongguk's throat. Yongguk crossed his eyes at him and then they were both giggling again as they made their way back to the now-open window and the single figure standing there. 

Not Youngjae, Daehyun, or Junhong, but Jongup, holding two coats in his arms. 

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the traitor," Himchan said, accepting his coat when Jongup passed it through the window to him. 

"I'm under strict instructions not to let you back in unless you've made up," the dancer said, passing Yongguk his coat.

"Don't tell me you'll listen to _them_ before you'll listen to me," Himchan complained. Jongup shook his head.

"Nah, I do what I want, mostly," he said. "I didn't actually want you to freeze to death, though."

"Isn't he just the sweetest?" Himchan asked Yongguk dryly. 

Down the hall, the door to the stairwell creaked open and a familiar face peeked out.

"Don't let them back in unless they're friends again!" Youngjae called. Jongup waved him away without turning. 

"Are you?" he asked, looking between them. Himchan tugged Yongguk's coat closed around him and zipped it up to his chin. Yongguk burrowed deeper into the warmth, although most of it seemed to be coming from his insides now rather than the coat. 

"Sure," Himchan said dismissively. "Good enough friends we can murder three of our dongsaengs together, wouldn't you say, Bbang?" 

Yongguk felt another rush of warmth at the nickname. He nodded seriously.

"Oh, most definitely," he agreed, motioning for Himchan to climb back inside ahead of him. Jongup held out a hand to help, which Himchan stubbornly ignored. 

"I haven't forgotten your part in this," he told him. 

"How long do you think you'll be mad?" Jongup asked politely. 

"At _least_ four or five min--yah, Yoo Youngjae, your reckoning is at hand!" Himchan interrupted himself and charged off down the hall, coat trailing after him like a cape. 

Yongguk had to laugh again and made to climb inside, but Jongup blocked his way.

"Hyung?" he said. His expression was troubled. Yongguk's smile faded.

"Say what you need to say, Jongup-ah," he told him. 

"Just--don't do that again," Jongup said. "He needs you, you know?"

Yongguk almost smiled again. How, he wondered, had Himchan stumbled upon the single perfect person in the world for him? He tamped down on the smile, not wanting Jongup to think he was making fun. "I won't," he promised. The dancer gave a small nod and moved aside to let him in. Together, they watched Himchan get Youngjae in a headlock. The vocalist had been summarily abandoned by his co-conspirators. He gave a yelp as he tried to wrench his way free.

"Should we help?" Jongup asked, leaning against the wall.

"Nah, Himchannie's got this."

They watched in companionable silence for a beat. Then, straightening, Yongguk made for the elevators. He clapped Himchan on the shoulder as he passed the wrestling pair. "Think I'll cut Daehyunnie off downstairs..."


	18. Chapter 18

**Week Thirty-nine**

 

Yongguk could read Himchan like a book, thank you very much. He knew his every expression, from the not-quite-a-yawn jaw-stretching thing that meant he was containing a joke he couldn't say in front of the cameras to the intense stare he used to overcompensate when he was zoning out. 

Himchan was very expressive as a rule, which was why Yongguk really didn't know what to do with him when he was being inscrutable.

Music poured through the speakers and Himchan's eyes flickered between the lyrics printed on the page in his hand and the composers' music up on the screen in front of him. His face was a perfect, smooth blank.

He listened to the song three times. When it finally ended, Yongguk stopped it before it could loop into a fourth. 

"Well?"

Himchan continued to look at the lyrics. He must have them memorized by now. 

Yongguk sat down beside him and kicked him. Himchan ignored him. Yongguk surveyed his options for a minute before throwing a Coke lid at him. 

Himchan caught it before it could hit him in the forehead. He and Yongguk stared at his hand, then at each other, and burst out laughing. 

"How did you do that?" Yongguk demanded. 

"My reflexes are no joke," Himchan said. Yongguk tossed a pen cap at him and Himchan dodged. It hit him anyway.

"Or not," Yongguk said.

"Why are you throwing things at me?" Himchan asked, the trace of a whine in his voice. He held up the paper with lyrics to block Yongguk as he held up a cap-less pen threateningly.

"You're taking too long."

"Says the man who can go 48 hours straight without speaking," Himchan muttered, tossing the page onto the soundboard. He folded his arms across his chest and slouched in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"So?"

"Soooo," Himchan agreed, drawing out the word. "I mean, the lyrics are good."

Yongguk waited. Himchan's eyes flickered up to meet his and he shook his head. 

"No," he agreed, reading Yongguk's thoughts as well as if he had spoken aloud. "The lyrics are _fine_ ; they're not your best."

"Cliche?"

"Determinedly."

Yongguk nodded, perversely pleased to hear what he'd already known. "The composer hyungs were enthusiastic, though."

"And they came back with...this..." Himchan nodded at the screen, the notes dancing across it. "This...vanilla."

Yongguk sat up a bit straighter. _Vanilla_ was just the word. The song was okay--inoffensive; catchy, even. He'd had the tune in his head all day.

It was driving him crazy. 

"They wanted another love song," he explained. He hadn't argued with the directive; it was a full-length album, after all, with more than enough room for different kinds of songs. But this...it felt too young. It felt like a step--or three--backwards, like something they might have put out just after their debut when they were first trying out a cute concept. But this was nowhere near as fun as _Crash_. 

"I'm stuck," he confessed. Himchan nodded. He was reading the lyrics again, mouthing them to himself. Yongguk let him think, patience renewed now that he knew they were on the same page. 

He'd missed this, Himchan being with him in the studio. Yongguk hadn't even realized how much he needed this time for just the two of them. Himchan was different with the others, his attention always diverted to whichever member needed it most. If Daehyun was struggling or Junhong was overly hyper, or Youngjae looking for a sparring partner. And always, always, Himchan was tuned to Jongup's moods and needs. Yongguk wasn't one to fight for his friend's attention, and so at some point he'd stopped receiving it. He was a little embarrassed to realize how nice it felt to have his best friend to himself again. 

It hadn't happened right away. After that night on the roof, things had been better. He and Himchan had been _gentle_ with each other like they hadn't been since those early days in the first bloom of friendship, when they'd known how badly the others needed the hyungs to be a strong united front. Once Yongguk had admitted to himself that he actually liked the gregarious other boy, that he couldn't help but enjoy the way his mind worked, so wholly different from his own, they had fallen fast into the kind of friendship Yongguk had imagined when he was a kid. He'd always been lonely without Yongnam around; his twin was the outgoing one with the easy smile. Friendly. Yongguk's thoughts turned dark too quickly, and while he always had friends, he'd learned early that to voice most of his thoughts was to make the other boys turn away, to tell him to lighten up, to glance at him sideways from across the room. So he'd gotten quiet.

Himchan had never seemed to mind. He learned to follow Yongguk's mood so when he descended into gloom, he'd drape himself over him or rest a head on his shoulder. 

"What's wrong with the world today, Bbang?" he'd ask, teasingly, but then he'd actually listen as Yongguk told him about whatever news story he'd gotten caught in his brain, or the thought that had kept him awake most of the night. He'd ask questions and sometimes even do his own research on the subject so they could discuss it more later. 

Other times he would whip out his phone and scroll through the photos for a minute. 

"Here's a really happy dog I saw yesterday," he might say, or "Look how cute the maknaes are, I want to pinch them," and on and on until Yongguk actually did feel a bit better.

Things changed over time. Eventually Yongguk realized he couldn't remember the last time Himchan had cuddled him and showed him dumb pictures to cheer him up--except a few days after their fight on the roof, he'd done just that. 

Yongguk had been brooding over some lyrics that weren't working, and Himchan had plopped down next to him on the sofa and put his head in his lap. 

"Hello," he said. 

"Can I help you?"

Himchan waved his phone in his face. "This flower was growing right out of the wall," he said. Yongguk stilled his hand and looked at the picture, at the tiny perfect white flower clinging to a brick wall. 

Yongguk smiled down at Himchan. "I'd think it was too cold for flowers," he said. 

"Oh, it's an old picture. I just forgot to show you."

It was a peace offering, one of many. Yongguk had found himself going out of his way to pick up coffees for the members from Himchan's favorite place instead of the faster shop just down the street. Himchan had started throwing Yongguk's laundry in with his own so that he found it neatly folded on the end of his bed when he stumbled in from a too-late night at the studio. 

It wasn't much, wasn't enough. This, today, _this_ was the real thing Yongguk had been pushing for since that night. The two of them in the studio, Himchan's full, honest opinion of the music. Yongguk liked the composer hyungs very much, but he knew how far the company stretched them. Maybe it wasn't so surprising that some of the tunes they'd come up with weren't exactly dripping with creativity.

"What if you gave it a go?" Yongguk said. Himchan peered over the paper at him.

"What if I gave it a--what?"

"Composing. I wanted to ask you weeks ago but everything's been so busy--"

Himchan nodded and now he looked nervous. "Bbang, I can't compete with the composer hyungs," he said.

Yongguk pointed to the screen with his pen. "You know this is shit. We can't put this out. It's-- _nothing_."

"There may be a certain lack of substance," Himchan conceded. "But _I_ can't--"

"I think you can. That song you wrote that Junhongie used? It's--weird, and messy, and _memorable._ We want to stand out, don't we?"

"Bbang, if we put out that song people would think we're insane."

"I think you're wrong about that, but fine. So we don't put that one out, but--something else. We need something different. Your brain is...not like other people's brains."

Himchan regarded him somberly. "Thank you?"

"I'm just asking you to try."

Himchan made a growly face but nodded. "We have to do something about these lyrics, though," he added.

**

The Kim house was quiet. Jongup could just make out the murmur of voices down the hall: Himchan's mother, Himchan, and the physical therapist. 

Mr. Kim dozed in the armchair next to Jongup. They had started to watch Spiderman together, Himchan's father peppering Jongup with earnest questions ("Why is the newspaperman always so angry?" "Can Peter wear anything under that costume?), but soon the older man had drifted off. Jongup didn't mind. He muted the television and turned on the closed captioning, contemplating a nap of his own. 

He had taken to accompanying Himchan on some of his visits home since his parents had moved back into the house. He seemed to appreciate the company. His mother was doing remarkably well, as far as Jongup could tell; she seemed in high spirits, always exclaiming over them when they arrived. She and Himchan would joke and argue good-naturedly and he would sit in on her physical therapy sessions sometimes. Jongup would step out for those, sit with Mr. Kim. He wasn't as big a talker as his wife and son, but he and Jongup would watch TV in comfortable quiet. 

Jongup had dreaded these visits at first, but quickly grew more comfortable as he realized Himchan's parents were genuinely pleased to have him there. They didn't seem to find his presence strange, either, which had been his other concern. 

Plus, no matter how cheerful the visit, Himchan always retreated inward upon leaving. Jongup knew how hard he found it to keep smiling as his mother struggled through her exercises, how impossible not to mourn the enormous changes the accident had wrought on his parents' lives. Jongup liked to take him to his favorite coffee shop after visits. They'd get their drinks to go and then sit in the car, silent, fingers linked, until Himchan could smile again for real. 

A sudden knock at the door halted Jongup's descent into sleep.

He started, glanced at Himchan's father, whose slow steady breaths continued uninterrupted. Good. Jongup stood a bit uncertainly, wondering if he should get Himchan, then hurried to the door as there was another series of brisk knocks. He could always get him or wake up his father if need be, but he wouldn't disturb them if it was just the mailman or something. 

He opened the door and froze. 

"Hi," Mina spoke first, looking as surprised as Jongup. "What are you--I mean. Hi."

"Uhh. Hi," Jongup said. He hadn't seen her since that long-ago day at the hospital. She'd cut her hair short and it suited her. Her arms were full; books were piled precariously on a large lidded pot and a paper bag swung from one wrist. "Come in?" Jongup said. He guessed this was fine; she'd known the Kims a hell of a lot longer than he had. 

"I can come back," she said quickly. Jongup looked at the things she was holding.

"Why?" he asked. 

"I didn't--I thought it would just be--" she began, then stopped, sighed. Rolled her eyes. "Yes, I should come in," she said decisively. 

"Okay." He stepped back to let her in. "Mr. Kim's asleep," he felt the need to explain. "Himchan's in with his mom, she's having therapy."

"I just had a few things to drop off, I can leave them in the kitchen," Mina said, shifting her armful of stuff a bit awkwardly. Jongup trailed after her to the kitchen. He wasn't sure if he wanted Himchan to come out now or not. 

"I made soup," Mina explained, sliding the pot onto the counter, the books slipping off to land in a heap beside it. 

"Okay," Jongup said again. Mina squinted at him, seemed about to say something, then thought better of it and turned to the fridge, rearranging the things inside to make room for the soup. There was a proprietary way that she did this, as if demonstrating for Jongup that she _could_. Reminding him that she had rights in this house born of a lifetime of visits. Jongup, a mere interloper, would not have felt comfortable opening the fridge himself to get a soda, say. Mina wouldn't think twice, _and_ she'd know where to find a glass.

Or maybe he was reading too much into this.

He glanced over his shoulder and down the hall, where he could just make out the flickering edge of the TV screen. Maybe he should wake up Mr. Kim. Surely he'd want to know he had company?

Mina read his thoughts. "Let him sleep," she said airily. "I'm here all the time."

He wasn't reading too much into this. 

"Okay," he said a third time. Mina raised her eyebrows at him and slid her pot neatly into the fridge. 

"You're very quiet," she observed. "Is that just compensating for being around Himchan so much or have you always been like this?" She stacked the fallen books neatly on the counter and finally took the bag off her arm. The handle left a dark imprint on her wrist.

"I don't think I've always been anything," Jongup said. He leaned against the doorway, put his hands in his pockets. Mina folded her arms and frowned at him. Jongup had a sudden image of what they must look like, facing off across the kitchen. 

"Look, this doesn't need to be awkward," Mina said. "I assume Himchan told you about our conversation?"

She could only mean the conversation in which Himchan told her about his relationship with Jongup. He hadn't given him many details, though; hadn't seemed to find it all that important, in the end. The thought gave Jongup some comfort. He nodded. Mina seemed to be waiting for something, but he didn't know what. An apology? 

"So--" She said finally. Jongup waited patiently. Curious, despite himself. Mina sighed. "Just--take good care of him, will you?" she said quietly. "He's a good guy. You know. Deep down."

Her words made Jongup bristle for the first time. As if she got to be protective of Himchan. As if Himchan needed protecting from _him_. 

"I don't need anyone to tell me that," he said. 

She studied him, but before she could answer, a door shut somewhere behind them. Himchan's voice preceded him into the room. 

"Jonguppie-ahh, she kicked me out, can you beli--" He stopped short in the doorway, catching sight of Mina. "Oh, hey," he said. He brought one hand to rest between Jongup's shoulder blades. "I thought I heard the door. What's up?" 

Of the three of them he was by far the best at playing it cool. Jongup couldn't tell if he was acting or if the events of the past weeks had actually rendered Mina so unimportant that Himchan was no longer flustered by her. 

"I brought soup and some of that tea your mom likes," Mina said, dumping several packets of loose tea out of the paper bag. "And some books for your dad."

Himchan pressed past Jongup and picked up one of the teas. The package was the size of his fist. 

"How much tea do you think she drinks?" he teased. "This is enough to last three or four years."

She flushed, smiling a little. "I didn't want her to run out," she said. 

"No chance of that," Himchan snorted. He turned back to Jongup. "Where's--?"

"Asleep," Jongup said. "She kicked you out?"

Himchan scowled. "She's in a _mood_ today," he said darkly. "She's as punchy as Youngjae. One of these days we should get the two of them in a room together, just to see what happens."

Jongup smiled at the thought, but he didn't miss the way Mina's eyes were roving over Himchan. 

"Have you been eating?" she asked. Himchan's smile flickered.

"Of course." 

"You look too thin," Mina said, frowning. Jongup had a second of unwilling...not pleasure, exactly, but appreciation. It wasn't the reaction he would have expected from her, but it was the one he wished more people had with his boyfriend these days. He _did_ still look too thin.

"I really don't," Himchan murmured. Jongup would have kicked him if he were close enough to reach and if he could do it without attracting Mina's attention. He kicked him mentally, and was gratified that Himchan actually seemed to feel it, his eyes darting to Jongup. "Anyway," he said quickly. "Can I get you a drink or anything? Jongup-ah, you need anything?"

"No," they replied in unison. 

"Himchan-ssi?" A new voice from the hallway, then a woman in hospital scrubs, her hair in a long braid down her back, poked her head into the room. 

"Am I allowed back in?" Himchan asked the therapist. She smiled. 

"I'm afraid not. She's asking for a glass of water and she asked specifically for Jongup to bring it."

"Oh, I get it," Himchan said huffily, but Jongup detected an undercurrent of pleasure under the surface. He knew how much it meant to Himchan that Jongup should get to know his parents better. They'd known each other for years of course, but these past weeks had been his best chance to really spend time with them. They might not know the truth of his relationship with their son, but Jongup thought Himchan liked to imagine that this was how it could be one day if they ever did. He couldn't help hoping for it himself. 

"Of course," he said, accepting the glass of water Himchan poured and handed him.

"Be careful," Himchan called after him as he followed the therapist down the hall. 

In truth he _was_ a little nervous. He'd never seen her during therapy, only before. The sessions still exhausted her so much she wasn't up for company after. 

He wasn't sure what to expect, but all he found was Himchan's mother sitting in her wheelchair, the weights and bars scattered around her the only evidence of her therapy session. She was sweating slightly, but smiled warmly when Jongup came in. 

"Ahhh, bless you," she said, accepting the glass of water with a hand that only wavered slightly. She really was getting stronger, then. "Come sit with me a moment. I hope my son isn't skulking outside the door?"

"No, Ajumma," Jongup said, taking the proffered seat across from her. "Mina stopped by, they're talking in the kitchen."

She brightened and Jongup tried not to wince too obviously. He couldn't forget how much she wanted Mina and Himchan to get back together. 

"In that case, you should sit with me awhile," she said, smiling.

**

"How in the hell did _you_ wind up with someone so quiet?" Mina asked. Himchan ignored her tone--he'd had quite enough of _tones_ today, thanks--and searched the fridge for something to drink. 

"He's not always. I hope you didn't give him a hard time."

"Of course I didn't. I was surprised to see him, though," she admitted. She perched on one of the stools at the counter, and Himchan had sudden flashbacks of thousands of afternoons with her in this kitchen, making elaborate snacks after school or practice, spoiling their dinners and gossiping about teachers and classmates. 

"He's been coming out with me a lot. Company cheers Eomma up. Usually," Himchan said. 

"So...does that mean you've told them, or...?"

"No!" he hissed, glancing at the door as though his parents might be lurking outside. "They're just--I just want them to know him better."

"Hmm."

He ignored this, too, crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. He needed to change the subject before he got too annoyed with Mina. 

"I've been meaning to call you," he admitted. 

"Really?"

"Yeah, I--look, don't take this the wrong way or anything."

She tensed slightly. "Okay..."

"It's just--you were right. And I wanted to say..that. And thanks, maybe."

"How exactly might I take that the wrong way?" 

"I just don't want you to think I think you're right in _general_ ," Himchan emphasized. "This is clearly just a fluke, so don't let it go to your head or anything."

"I'll try to reign in my arrogance," she said dryly. "Are you going to tell me what we're even talking about, or...?"

Oh, right. Details. "About the music," Himchan clarified. "I've been practicing again, and even composing a bit. Junhongie and Jongup put lyrics to something I wrote and it turned out pretty excellent, actually, and Yongguk wants me to write some stuff for the full-length album we're working on. It probably won't be very good, but--it feels good to be working on something. So."

He trailed off, wanting to stop before he confessed exactly how unequal to the task he really felt. 

Mina's face relaxed into a smile for the first time.

"Himchan, that's fantastic," she said. "Really, I'm so happy to hear that."

"Well." He felt himself blushing and had to look away. 

"Can I hear the finished song?" she asked. "Do you have it on your phone or anything?"

He did, but he still hesitated. "It's really weird," he warned. 

"So are you. Come on, let me hear it," she wheedled. Himchan sighed and pulled the file up on his phone. 

He couldn't watch her listen to it and emptied the dishwasher instead, then wiped down the already-clean counter.

"Well," she said when the three minute song wrapped up six years later. Himchan made himself meet her eyes. "You weren't kidding, you weirdo," she said with a laugh. Himchan winced and she touched his arm. "By which I mean I _loved_ it," she said quickly. "Really, it's not what I expected at all, in a good way."

"The maknaes wrote all the lyrics," Himchan muttered. 

"And they were good, honestly, but the _music_ \--it's about damn time you put yourself out there. I'm glad Yongguk finally got to hear what you could do," she said. Himchan just nodded. He didn't want to get into it with her about Yongguk again right now. Things were better but still felt so raw and he didn't want to let Mina get too close. 

"Anyway, thanks for, you know, pushing me about that," he said, shrugging. "Although really it was as much my friend Sleepy's idea as yours..."

"I don't mind sharing the credit. All I did was remember how good you are," Mina said. "But so how's it going? The new album?"

Himchan grimaced. 

"That well, huh?"

"Honestly? I'm so out of my league," he confessed. That song was just--luck or something. Yongguk's not even happy with his lyrics yet so I don't have anything to go on and it just seems pretty likely I'm going to let everyone down again."

Mina frowned. Actually, she'd been frowning the whole time. "Again?" she repeated. Himchan kicked himself. One of these days he was going to learn to think before speaking. 

"Nothing, just--it's a big deal, working on the album like this. I don't want to fuck up."

Mina sighed. "You know I haven't been bugging you about this for so long just for fun, right? I've always wanted you to compose because I know you're talented. Maybe you lucked into that first song, but if you work at it you'll come up with something even stronger."

"I'd better," Himchan said grimly. "Or maybe Yongguk and I are just too old for this now."

"I don't know about that but I think there's a good chance you're too stupid."

Jongup slipped into the room with a now-empty glass and Himchan brightened. 

"You survived! Am I supposed to go back in there?"

Jongup shook his head. "She's asking for your dad. I'll wake him up." And he slipped out of the room as soundlessly as he'd come. Himchan frowned after him. He hoped his mother hadn't said anything to upset the younger man. If she'd mentioned Mina...

"I need to get going anyway," Mina said, standing. "Rehearsal. It was good to see you, though."

"You sound surprised," Himchan said. "You've been avoiding me, haven't you."

"Maybe a little," she admitted. "Just...processing."

Himchan supposed that was fair. And with so much going on, he'd hardly noticed her absence. But now he found himself remembering how easy she'd always been to talk to. 

"Well, when you're done with that, let me know," he said. "We could start being friends again."

Mina looked away shyly just as Himchan's father came into the kitchen with Jongup. 

"That was an _excellent_ movie," he declared.

**

For once, Jongup was glad Himchan didn't want to talk on the way back from his parents', because Jongup didn't know what to say.

Technically he knew eavesdropping was wrong. But he hadn't been able to bear the _hope_ on Himchan's mother's face as she thought of Himchan and Mina together. Jongup hadn't realized how much he'd been fooling himself with these visits until that moment, face to face with the reality that she would never get that expression of glee at the idea of her son with _him_. He'd made his excuses, helped along by the therapist, who had been peeking at her watch, and slipped back to the kitchen.

Where he heard Mina and Himchan talking. 

The crazy amazing song Himchan had written came as no surprise to Mina because, of course, _she_ already knew he could write music. Had apparently encouraged him recently. Had seen straight through his bluster to the heart of the matter and knew that making music again was just what Himchan needed. 

Jongup really didn't want to be bothered by this, but he was. He didn't give a shit how well Mina knew her way around the Kims' house, but the way she still knew her way around Himchan was another story. 

He'd even told her Yongguk was struggling with his lyrics. This was news to Jongup. They always asked the leader how it was going, and he always had something positive, if vague, to say. 

This, at least, Jongup thought he could do something about. 

When they got back to the dorm, he let Himchan be pulled onto the couch with Daehyun, and went in search of cohorts. He found Junhong stretched out in bed taking those weird-angled selcas he always did. 

"Hey!" the maknae greeted him when he noticed him in the doorway. "You're back."

"We're back," Jongup confirmed, climbing into bed beside his friend. He let Junhong take a few more pictures with him in the background. 

"So listen," he said after. "I need your help."

**

_Crap crap crap crap CRAP crap craaaaaap,_ Himchan sang to himself as he ran through his scales again. Back in the studio, back to trying to force the kind of musical genius that would fit the genius lyrics Bbang was sure to come up with any minute now. 

He'd tried to recreate the conditions that had worked the first time, tried playing what he remembered of some classic songs and then gradually changing them to make them unrecognizable. But every time he played those recordings back, all he heard was a muddle of garbage. 

_Give it two more days_ , he told himself. _Then you can tell Bbang you're a fraud and go back to being useless._ Good plan. 

The door banged open behind him.

"Oh, thank god," he muttered, turning. Sleepy arched an eyebrow and they slapped hands in greeting.

"What's up with you?" he asked, nodding to the piano.

"I'm a talentless hack and everything is terrible," Himchan explained. 

"That's a rough beat, man," Sleepy sighed. "Have you tried going outside today?" 

Himchan checked his watch. God, he'd been here for _hours_. This was just depressing.

"I'll take that as a no," Sleepy said, shaking his head. "I just came from Bbang; you two have the same face right now. I was gonna send you up there to cheer him up but it looks like you need it just as bad."

"I'm fine," Himchan said automatically. Sleepy shook his head. "What are you up to, anyway?" Himchan went on. "Want to get food with us?" He still found he could eat most easily with lots of people around, with conversation enough to distract the small cold voice in his head telling him how disgusting he was with every bite he took.

"I would, man, but I'm heading up to the hospital," Sleepy said. 

"What? What's wrong?" Himchan looked his friend over as though he might have an injury he'd somehow missed.

"My boy Geonwoo's in there," Sleepy said. That name sounded familiar. HImchan tried to place it.

"Your friend...doesn't he train over at JYP?" he recalled.

"He's set to debut in a month," Sleepy said, a trace of pride in his voice. "I'm hoping this doesn't set him back."

"What's the matter?"

"Dunno, really, he collapsed after practice, they're saying it's something with his heart," Sleepy said glumly.

Himchan went still.  

"His heart?" he repeated. 

"His team leader went with him in the ambulance, it happened late and no one else was in the building but a bunch of trainees. He had an arrhythmia or something," Sleepy said, shaking his head. "Then he calls me today, all _everyone's making a big deal out of nothing_ , like you believe that shit?"

He regarded Himchan somberly and Himchan tried to guess whether that was a _knowing_ look in his friend's eyes or if he was imagining things. 

"That's awful," he said, trying to swallow around his tongue, which seemed suddenly coated in sandpaper. "I hope he's okay."

"Me too. Hope he wasn't doing anything dumb, you know? 'Cause nothing's worth that."

He didn't wink as he said it, didn't peer significantly over a pair of spectacles, didn't complete the sentence with a Yongguk-esque _Nam sayin'?_ but Himchan got the point. If he were a better liar, he'd probably ask Sleepy what he was talking about, what dumb thing could possibly cause a young man's heart to pause in its reliable beat. But Himchan had always had a shitty poker face, and he just stared dumbly at his friend while the edge of the piano pressed into his spine. 

"Anyway, I'm out," Sleepy continued in the same relaxed tone. "Go meet up with your boy Bbang, commiserate n' shit; get some food in you and get back to work, yeah?"

"Yeah," Himchan said, forcing a smile. "Right. Go see your friend."

"Yeah, man, thanks," Sleepy said, clapping him affectionately on the shoulder before slouching out of the room as calmly as if he hadn't just detonated a bomb in the middle of it.

It took him a few minutes to get himself together enough to get up to the studio, where he found Yongguk, constructively banging his head against the desk.

Himchan observed this from the doorway for a moment before determining that no, this wasn't going to stop on its own. He placed a hand between the table and his friend's forehead, wincing when the latter drove his knuckles into the hard surface. 

Yongguk paused, then peered up at him. 

"Going a bit literal this evening, huh Bang?" Himchan asked. There was a red mark in the middle of the rapper's forehead. He'd have to ice it if he didn't want a bump. Himchan wondered how long he'd been at it. 

"Helps me think?" Yongguk mumbled, resting his head in Himchan's palm. Himchan stroked the back of his skull, enjoyed the tickle of the freshly buzzed cut. Yongguk had decided that the twelve and a half seconds he'd been spending a day washing and combing his hair was too much, and had buzzed it shorter than Himchan had ever seen it. 

Well, he probably also wanted to get rid of every last trace of the white, too. 

"I just saw Sleepy," Himchan said. Yongguk turned to look at him without lifting his head from his hand. 

"What's wrong?" he asked. Himchan blinked down at him. 

"What?"

"Your voice went funny."

"Oh, like you know me," Himchan scoffed, tugging on his friend's earlobe. Yongguk sat up and frowned at him.

"Seriously."

"He just--did he tell you about his friend?" Himchan asked. Yongguk shook his head, his forehead creasing. 

"We mostly talked about me," he said with clear guilt. Himchan had to fight to keep from rolling his eyes; he could only imagine the acts of penance Yongguk would demand of himself now. 

He told him what Sleepy had told him and watched his face darken. Sometimes he could almost see why people who didn't know Yongguk found him intimidating. 

"Coincidence?" the rapper suggested hopefully. Himchan shook his head. 

"I wish." Reluctantly, he told him the rest, what Junho had told him about the widespread use of the drug among TS trainees and dancers, and the tiny damning detail that the company already knew. 

"I'm sure it's not just TS," Himchan finished wearily. "It must be all over the industry. No wonder that doctor didn't bat an eye."

"There must be something we can do," Yongguk said. Typical Bbang, ready to charge in on his white horse and save the day. 

The thought was slightly unkind and Himchan pushed it away. He couldn't fault his friend for the instinct, anyway. 

"Right?" Yongguk prodded. "We could..." He trailed off and they looked at each other for a minute. Himchan didn't bother to tell him that every time he thought about the pills, there was still a part of him that wanted one. Or twelve. 

Their phones buzzed at the same time and they pulled them out of their pockets, checking the new texts.

"Junhongie," Yongguk said.

"Jongup," Himchan said, unable to quite stop his smile. "He's says to come home, they're..."

"Cooking," Yongguk finished, reading his own. They exchanged a silent, horrified stare, before grabbing their things and getting out as fast as humanly possible. 

**

Jongup stifled a laugh as he watched Himchan's car screech into the parking lot and the hyungs tumble out. They almost missed him in their mad dash for the door.

"Hyungs?"

"Jonguppie!" Himchan gasped. He took his face in both hands and looked him up and down. "Oh, thank god," he muttered. 

"What are you doing?" Jongup asked through squished cheeks.

"Just, you know. Checking for third degree burns or cuts or whatever--where's Junhongie?"

"Not cooking alone?" Yongguk said worriedly, peering up at the building. Looking for smoke billowing out a window, Jongup guessed. He was tempted to tease, to tell them the ambulance had just left with the maknae or something, but judging from their faces they'd already been stressed enough at the thought of the dancers cooking.

If he wasn't feeling sorry for them, he'd have been insulted.

"Nah," he said, prying Himchan's hands from his face and squeezing them. "We just said that to get you home faster. We just made ramen and got snacks. Are you hungry?"

They stared at him, nonplussed, and he turned and went inside. After a moment, they followed. They both glared at him in the elevator.

"What were you doing in the parking lot?" Himchan thought to ask as they reached their floor.

"Just taking out the garbage," Jongup lied easily. He let himself into the dorm first and turned to see the hyungs' reaction. They both stopped in the doorway and stared. 

"Jongup-ah," Himchan said slowly. "Is that...a blanket fort?"

"Obviously!" Junhong called from somewhere within the bowels of the structure. 

It was, if Jongup did say so himself, a true feat of engineering. The fort took up the majority of the common room, with tunnels branching off toward the kitchen, bathroom and hallway. They had used every blanket and pillow in the dorm, and not a few towels, plus some of Yongguk's ridiculously oversized shirts. Youngjae had even commandeered the lamps from around the apartment and plugged them in inside the fort so the whole thing glowed becomingly. 

Yongguk burst out laughing and actually clapped, which was when Junhong stuck his head out the nearest entrance. 

"Hyungs! Welcome to Fort Matoki!" he said grandly. "Come in, we have snacks!"

"And soju!" Daehyun yelled from somewhere off toward the kitchen. 

"And a feast fit for a king!" Junhong continued. "By which I mean ramen. But _lots_ of it."

Yongguk ducked down, still giggling, and crawled in after Junhong. Jongup motioned for Himchan to follow. 

"How old are we?" his boyfriend mused, but he was grinning his goofy grin and let out a giggle of his own as he followed Yongguk in. Jongup brought up the rear. 

They had constructed the fort around the coffee table, atop which sat a giant pot of ramen, as well as clustered bottles of soju and juice and what looked to be the entire snack stockpile from the convenience store. Pillows and stuffed animals were stacked around strategically to make comfortable seats on the floor, and the small lamps set everyone's faces aglow. Daehyun and Youngjae were already seated cross-legged on one side of the tent with bowls of ramen, slurping away.

"This is amazing," Yongguk said fervently. Himchan was peering up at the roof. 

"I can't believe this is high enough to fit you," he said, poking Junhong's side lightly. "What's the occasion? Were you guys really that bored?" He took one of the bottles of soju and settled against a pillow pile, then motioned Jongup over. The dancer went gladly, leaning into his side, glad that their days of covert cuddling around their friends were over. 

The others looked at him, waiting for him to explain. 

"Uh," he said, a little discomfited at the sudden attention. Himchan's finger traced lazy circles on the back of his neck. "We thought it was time for a--a summit."

Yongguk had already grabbed a bowl of ramen. He paused in blowing on the surface to raise his eyebrows questioningly.

"About the new album. We haven't been helping much?" Jongup said, motioning to the group's four youngest members. "We thought maybe there was something we could do?"

He paused, a bit nervous as Himchan and Yongguk exchanged a glance. Would they be insulted? Would they finally confide in the rest or them? Would they laugh at the very idea that the others could help?

"Oh thank god," Yongguk said, putting his bowl down and flopping onto his back on the floor. 

"Help us," Himchan agreed pitifully, nuzzling Jongup's shoulder. 

"Please," Yongguk added.

"Soju?" Youngjae offered.

**

They all wound up on their backs, staring up at the sloped blanket roof above them. Jongup was pretty sure Junhong's feet were sticking out of the tent, but otherwise they all actually fit. Jongup's head was pillowed on Himchan's shoulder and one of Himchan's legs was slung over his, and it absolutely should not have been as comfortable as it was. They'd been passing a bottle of soju back and forth and trying (and mostly failing) to toss chips and snacks into each other's mouths without looking. They would have to sweep later.

That didn't matter, though, because the fort was working. 

Jongup hadn't explained his full thought process to Junhong, Youngjae and Daehyun when he'd suggested it, and in truth they didn't need much prompting to get excited for the project. (It was possible they really _had_ been bored.)

But what Jongup knew about blanket forts was that they were magic. 

His hyungs had taught him as much when he was a little kid, afraid to go to school for the first time. 

_Come on, dummy_ , they'd said, tugging him along by his chubby arms and patiently (and then not-so-patiently) taking him through the process of building his first fort. It was nothing near as nice as this one; the roof sank so badly in the middle that they had no choice but to lie on their backs in it and still it almost brushed the tips of their noses. But Jongup had felt so safe there, sandwiched in between his hyungs. 

_Only big kids get to make forts_ , they'd told him seriously. _You can come here any time you're scared, and then when you get out...poof!_ A sudden tickle to his ribs, making him giggle. _You won't be scared anymore._

It would never have occurred to Jongup in those days to doubt his hyungs' words, and when he first went to school, he found they'd been right. The nerves he'd carried around all summer had vanished. 

They built forts a lot in those days (Jongwhan went through a phase when he thought himself too grown up for such things, but they pulled him back in.) Forts were good for everything, from nerves about a test or soccer game or date and yes it's possible they were still building blanket forts way past the point when most people would have thought it was childish, shut up it worked for them just shut up. 

Because the Moon brothers understood magic.

There was just something about sitting in a tent of your own creation, looking up at some lopsided roof that made things clearer. It was easier to say things that would have made you feel stupid anywhere else. 

He thought that might be just what his hyungs needed.

"Love is impossible to write about," Yongguk complained. He was resting his head on Daehyun's thigh and the singer rather looked like he would never move again. "Because it's already been done. Everything's already been said. Seriously, name one thing no one's ever said about love." He waited, took a long sip of soju. A drop trailed down his cheek onto Daehyun's leg.

"Love is...like...an umbrella?" Youngjae attempted. "It shields you from the rains of life! That's good, isn't it?"

"You're an idiot," Daehyun said. 

"Like to hear you come up with something better," Youngjae sniffed. 

"Love is...love is...it's like...a filter." Daehyun glanced at Jongup, who squinted at him doubtfully. "Like, when you love someone, the love is like a filter and only the good stuff comes through? Like a...vacuum...filter..."

Youngjae burst out laughing.

"You could write a great rap about that, hyung," Junhong said seriously, only the dimple in his cheek giving him away.

"Seriously, of all the kinds of filters out there you go to one in a _vacuum cleaner_?" Himchan teased. "Not, like, a coffee filter?"

"I didn't want to be so obvious!" Daehyun protested. 

"He's not gonna write about just love in general anyway, right hyung?" Junhong said. "Love songs are always about a specific scenario or whatever. She's cheating on me or our love is a secret and everything is--complicated." He gave a little hiccup. 

"Why don't you write a song about Jonguppie and Himchan hyung?" Daehyun suggested brightly. "Like... _I'm in love with my best friend and I just can't hide it, whoa, whoa--"_

They all burst out laughing at his crooning. Of course Himchan tried to kick him, too, careful not to hit Yongguk along the way. 

"Leave the lyric writing to Yongguk, pabo."

"That's not bad, though," Yongguk said thoughtfully once their giggles had died down and a fresh batch of soju had been passed out. "Something more specific, falling in love with a friend, like...how does that happen?" He tilted his head and met Jongup's eyes. "Like how did you know?"

"Me?" Jongup squeaked, making them all laugh again. 

"I already know what the moment was for Himchannie," Yongguk said, grinning gummily. 

"Oh, shut up," Himchan said. Jongup craned his neck to see the side of his face. 

"I don't know this," he said. Himchan's cheeks were pinker than usual; from the alcohol or embarrassment, Jongup couldn't tell. 

"It was nothing," he said, too quickly.

"Ohhhh no, hyung, there's a story there!" Youngjae crowed. 

"There is not."

"I'll tell!" Yongguk said gleefully. Jongup stifled a laugh. Drunk Yongguk was a reliably good time, but it had been a long while since he'd seen their leader so relaxed. Jongup found Himchan's hand and held it, playing with the ring on his index finger. A nice part of a break was not having to remember to take their rings off for the cameras. Jongup was always afraid he would misplace his. Himchan had finally gotten him a cord so he could wear it around his neck.

" _I_ had to tell him," Yongguk went on proudly. "He was so in love with Jonguppie and didn't even know it!" He grinned and Daehyun and Junhong _awww_ ed and Youngjae made gagging sounds that didn't fool anyone. 

"What about you, Jonguppie?" Daehyun asked. Jongup just stared at him for a minute, unable to quite believe they were having this conversation. All those months of hiding everything from the members...he never could have believed they would wind up here. 

"Um," he said. He thought back, tried to remember the minute it had happened. It had been in the hotel, right? Except not. If he was honest, he thought he'd had a crush on Himchan for a long time without even realizing it--maybe even from the start. 

He'd been so nervous to meet the older boy, having already seen him MCing on TV. He was such a _presence_ , and there was Jongup, just an awkward kid who hadn't done much of anything yet. But Himchan had taken to him from day one, insisting he call him hyung, buying him snacks from the convenience store, always keeping an eye on him. Jongup hadn't been flattered so much as grateful. Yongguk had always been _kind_ , and Jongup sensed early that his leadership could make them great. But Himchan was the one who made it _fun_ in those early days before even Junhong was with them. So Jongup had dismissed the antsy feeling he got when Himchan wasn't around and the giddy feeling he got when he was. Himchan was his favorite hyung, that was all. 

Nothing could have prepared him for what it felt like to realize Himchan wanted _him_. Their friends and fans had teased them for years about their skinship, but Jongup hadn't thought anything of it. After all, Himchan was like that with everyone, always resting his head on Yongguk's shoulder, kissing Junhong, slinging an arm over whichever shoulder was nearest. Jongup had known he was Himchan's favorite, but at the same time he'd somehow convinced himself he was nothing special to him--a feat of mental gymnastics he could no longer recall how he'd managed. 

"I don't really know?" he said weakly. He glanced over at Himchan, tried to read him--difficult from that angle. But he sensed his disappointment. "I kind of think I liked him from the start and didn't know," he admitted. This wasn't for the others; it was only for Himchan. "And when I realized he liked me too, I was so _happy_ , like--like the happiest ever."

He'd never claimed to be great with words. He just had to hope the truth was good enough. 

Himchan was silent, but he brought Jongup's hand to his lips and kissed it softly. 

"Ribbit," he murmured.

"Ugh, you two are so in love it's gross," Youngjae said. 

In the end, they slept in the fort. Nothing much had been accomplished, no usable lyrics written in the notebook they'd provided for Yongguk. But the leader was half-smiling in his sleep, and Himchan's rest seemed calm for once, unbothered by the dreams that had been plaguing him for weeks. Jongup would count that as a success. 

Daehyun's snores filled the tent. Youngjae sighed, rolled over and flicked off the nearest lamp, then rested a pillow lightly on the vocalist's face, dampening the noise a little, before resting his head on his chest and closing his eyes. 

Jongup met Junhong's eyes across the tent and they smiled at each other, high-fived through the air. 

"Think it helped?" Junhong asked. 

"I think they're happier."

Junhong nodded. "I think Yongguk hyung's happier with us than with any girl he's ever dated," he whispered.

"Definitely." That much seemed obvious. Yongguk could never date a girl without having to _talk_ to her, always a source of stress. He always seemed a bit relieved to end his brief affairs and return to the studio. 

Junhong's face was thoughtful in the dim light. 

"The company told hyung we needed a love song, right?" he said. 

"Yeah. That's kind of why we did this whole thing?"

"Right, but--who says we can only write a love song that's about _romantic_ love?"

Jongup blinked at him, then looked around the fort at the others. Daehyun's snores had faded enough to match Youngjae's in volume. Yongguk still had that peaceful look on his face. And Jongup could feel Himchan's heartbeat. 

He thought back to the days before he and Himchan were together, tried to imagine how it might have been if they never were. They'd still loved each other. Being here, the six of them, was pretty much Jongup's definition of happiness.

He sat up carefully, checked Himchan to see that the movement hadn't woken him, then hooked Yongguk's notebook and rolled over so he was stretched out on his stomach beside Junhong. 

After a few minutes, the maknaes began to write. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few terms:
> 
> Gugak= Korean traditional music  
> Samulnori= A style of percussion tracing its roots to traditional music. Uses several instruments including the janggu.

**Week Forty-one**

"Does my hair look thinner to you?"

Jongup looked up from his iPad at Himchan across the room. His boyfriend was peering at himself in his phone, either using the camera as a mirror or maybe just trying to see himself in the shiny, vaguely reflective surface of the screen. As he watched, Himchan touched his hairline and his frown deepened. 

"Keep making that face and you're gonna get wrinkles," Jongup told him, grinning. Himchan looked stricken for a second before he tried to smooth out his features. Jongup laughed and sat up, beckoning to him. "I'm teasing, come here."

Himchan continued to stare at himself in his phone, running a hand through his hair gingerly, but he did as he was bidden. As soon as he could reach, Jongup plucked the phone from his hand and tossed it behind him on the bed. He hooked his ankles around Himchan's knees and pulled him in close, then tugged him down and ran his own hands through the older man's hair. It was enviably thick and lush, as always. 

"Oh yeah, definitely losing some along the top," he said seriously. Himchan swatted at him. 

"You joke but I've been pulling it out all week and I read this morning that stress makes it fall out on its own!" he fretted. 

Jongup scooted backwards on the bed so his back was against the wall, then tugged Himchan onto his lap so he was straddling him. 

"Don't stress, hyung. Your hair's great and you know it."

"Hmph." Himchan pouted as Jongup played with the short hairs on the back of his neck. 

He knew that telling Himchan not to stress was a pointless exercise. He'd spent hours with him just yesterday in the studio, playing computer games while the older man went restlessly from instrument to instrument, trying and abandoning the janggu, piano, and guitar before starting the cycle all over again.

"I can't do this," Himchan muttered now. "Yongguk was wrong, I'm no composer."

Jongup made a dismissive noise.

"I mean it! You saw me yesterday..."

Jongup pulled away slightly to squint at him. He knew by now that Himchan had different needs on different days. Sometimes all he wanted was for Jongup to make sympathetic noises and cuddle him and agree about the unfairness of the world. But sometimes he needed Jongup to take his hand, shine a flashlight into the darkest corners of his mind and show him that the monsters weren't real.

He thought this was a flashlight night. 

"You can totally do this," he said. Himchan's eyes darted to his, then away. 

"What if I can't?" His voice was very quiet. "You and Junhong wrote such an amazing song, what if I just ruin it?"

Jongup tried to push aside his pleasure at the compliment, but the truth was, he was proud of the song. It was all about the six of them, though not explicitly. It was about choosing your family and holding onto each other through everything. It was funny in places, and had a few inside jokes no one but the members would ever spot, but it had also made a lump rise in Jongup's throat the next morning when they showed it to their hyungs and the six of them read it out together. Even without a melody, Jongup could tell it was the best writing he and Junhong had ever done. He was touched to see how hard Himchan was working to craft the perfect music to go with the lyrics. 

But he wasn't about to watch his boyfriend go bald over the thing. 

Flashlight nights called for jokes, or if those failed, then the brisk tone that Jongup adopted now. "Maybe we're going about this the wrong way," he said. Himchan tilted his head. Somehow his fingers had crept under the hem of Jongup's shirt and were brushing against his abdomen. Not that he was going to be distracted by such a thing. 

"What do you mean?"

"Just--" Jongup groped for the words. "Like when Junhongie and I are stuck trying to choreograph a new part, we can't just stay in the studio and push through that way. We have to go _out_ , like to the skate park or--you know the square by the mochi place? People do performances all the time just randomly so sometimes we'll go see if anyone's dancing--And just being out in the world always seems to help things click, or gives us new ideas or whatever. Of course you're stuck, you've been cooped up in the studio for weeks just staring at the same lyrics over and over again."

Himchan hummed thoughtfully. "There's a Gugak festival going on this week," he said. "I was saving it for after I finished--anything--but maybe it would help to go see some music performances."

Jongup nodded enthusiastically. "Can I come?"

"You'd want to?" Himchan said, almost shyly. 

Jongup pinched him. His boyfriend would be in his element. Jongup still knew embarrassingly little about the traditional music the older man had spent so many years studying, and he couldn't think of anything better than letting Himchan introduce him to it with his customary enthusiasm. "You can teach me the difference between a gayageum and a...um...tungso?" He tried to recall the names of some of the different instruments used in Gugak.

Himchan looked very concerned. "The gayageum is _nothing_ like a tun--"

"You can teach me all about it. It'll be hot," Jongup interrupted confidently. He was gratified to see a smile playing around Himchan's lips now. The monsters were banished for another night. 

"Okay," Himchan said. "Okay, that's a plan." His voice had lost its timbre of stress and deepened slightly and Jongup was suddenly very aware of his lapful of sexy boyfriend. He found himself staring at Himchan's lips. 

"So," he said. His voice cracked a little and he had to clear his throat, which was dry. Himchan was smiling at him in a knowing kind of way. "You probably want to get to sleep early..."

"Mmm, probably," Himchan agreed. He made no move to leave Jongup's lap. "Unless you can think of something better to do."

Jongup had a few ideas.

**

The festival organizers had estimated that something like 40,000 people would turn up for each of the three days of the event. Even with performances spread across four stages, and taking into account the fact that plenty of people were really just there for the food, it was still the largest crowd Mina had ever performed before. 

It was exhilarating. She felt hyper-aware of her own body, of her heart beating its steady rhythm in her chest, of her lungs inflating with each breath, of the breeze caressing her face. She even fancied she could feel the blood pumping its way through her veins. The sounds of the crowd seemed to fall away until it was just her, her haegeum, the musicians around her. These were the moments she lived for. 

The performance seemed both very long and brief as a heartbeat. As Mina stood with the others and bowed to the thunderous applause, trying not to look as awestruck as she felt as she took in the size of the crowd--there. Somehow, impossibly, amidst thousands of strangers, she picked out Himchan's face.

**

He was with Jongup and Yongguk, and really Mina would have liked to run away, but she was in a brightly-colored hanbok and there was only one way off the stage so she didn't exactly have much choice. 

She did the next best thing, which was lift her chin and do her best to mask her feelings. This was a challenge, as she wasn't especially sure what her feelings _were_. 

"Hey!" Himchan greeted her with a wide grin. That million-watt Kim Himchan smile. It made her stomach flip, even now. She reminded herself it had more to do with the music than with her presence. Nothing made Himchan happier than music.

Well. Except Moon Jongup, apparently. 

The younger man hadn't really registered for Mina the first time they met; she'd been too distracted by Himchan's unexpected presence. He'd looked amazing, though that first night she'd had no particular delusions that he was glad to see her. But they'd fallen right into their old bickering ways, and she hadn't thought to pay attention to his quiet dongsaeng.

Then he turned up at the hospital and Mina had seen something. The way he couldn't drag his eyes from Himchan's face, the way they always seemed to be holding themselves back from touching each other. 

She'd tried to dismiss her suspicions, reminding herself Himchan had a girlfriend. She was embarrassed, really; she'd gone five years without him just fine, made exactly the life for herself she'd always planned. How many people were lucky enough to make a living doing what they loved? She'd worked her ass off and she'd done it, and if it had been lonely along the way, well, that was a small price to pay.

But now Himchan was back in her life and kept intruding on her thoughts, an unwelcome intrusion to her neatly ordered existence. She'd found herself entertaining childish daydreams about picking up where they'd left off. Wiping the disappointed looks off her parents' faces. 

And his girlfriend kept failing to appear. She'd half-convinced herself he'd made her up to get his own mother off his back--except of course, he said his family didn't know about her. Maybe it was just to throw Mina off, then. 

When she'd finally confronted him about her suspicions and he admitted the truth, she couldn't help but feel deflated, not to mention annoyed with herself. This was why she didn't bother with men; they were a distraction and a disappointment. 

Also there was the small concern that she'd apparently turned her ex gay. 

And for a guy she'd never in a million years expected. Moon Jongup was attractive enough, she supposed. (Okay, this was crap; he was almost absurdly good-looking and the only reason Mina had failed to see this from the start was that he'd been standing next to Himchan.) But the dancer was so quiet, so... _small_ in all the ways that Himchan was large. Himchan took up space in a room in a way that had nothing to do with physical size. Mina, on the outspoken end of the spectrum herself, had always appreciated this about him. She'd heard the old adage about opposites attracting, of course, but she couldn't imagine ever being happy with someone who couldn't match her beat for beat, argument for argument. She wouldn't have thought Himchan could be happy with less than that until she'd seen it with her own eyes. 

He certainly looked happy today. The cold snap that had engulfed the city for weeks had finally broken and everyone had hauled out their fall clothes for one last hurrah before winter really hit. Himchan looked comfortable in his leather jacket and jeans, one arm slung over Jongup's shoulders. He wasn't wearing a face mask and his smile looked more genuine than Mina could remember seeing it lately. 

"Hi," Mina said, squaring her shoulders and trying not to look at Yongguk, who would surely be glaring at her. "You actually got some time off?"

"Yeah, we're still working on the album. Jonguppie thought we should get out of the studio for a day before we lost our minds," Himchan said with a laugh. Mina couldn't miss the way Jongup kept his eyes trained on his face while he spoke. No wonder Himchan liked him; he needed the constant validation. What could be better than a guy who looked at him like the sun shined out of his ass?

She was being mean again. It was an unlovely instinct in her, she knew. She tried to rein it in.

"That's smart," she told Jongup. "Did you guys like it?" 

"It was great." Yongguk. She hadn't expected that. When she looked at him, she saw his face looked lighter than usual. The absence of his customary scowl. 

"Thank you," she said, startled. He gave her a small smile. Jongup was frowning, though. 

"You didn't like it?" Mina asked before she could stop herself. She hastened to add, "I mean, it's not for everyone, the melodies can be kind of strange..."

"No, I liked it a lot," he said. "What was that instrument a few rows in front of you? The, like, flute thing?" He mimed something curving out and up from his face, the shape of a tusk.

"The saengwhang," Mina supplied. "It's a bamboo mouth-organ, basically. They're really interesting because they can actually produce three notes at once."

Jongup nodded enthusiastically and nudged Himchan. "Wouldn't that sound cool in the beginning part of what you were working on yesterday?"

Himchan blinked at him thoughtfully, then looked at Yongguk. "We could do the first part with the saengwhang and the danso, just a really light, clear melody and Jonguppie's vocals, and then--"

"Drop the bass," Yongguk said, a gummy smile spreading across his face. Mina didn't think she'd ever seen him smile in person before. It was transformative. It hit her with an almost physical force when he turned it on her. 

"We want to do a different sound with the new album, so Himchannie's composing some stuff. What do you think about a transition from traditional instruments to a more rock sound within a song?"

He was asking, she realized, as one musician to another. This had never happened with him before. It took her a beat to roll from surprise to actually consider the question.

"I think it would stand out. It could be really interesting. You'd need to be really thoughtful about which instruments to use." She directed this last to Himchan. "It's hard to say without hearing the song, obviously, but it sounds like it would probably work."

Himchan nodded and looked at the others. The three of them did some eye-talking that had Mina feeling a bit left out. Then he turned back. 

"Are you busy later?" he asked. 

**

She was behind enemy lines. 

Years ago, early on, Himchan had tried to convince her to visit him at the TS building. She'd refused, sure he only wanted to show off his newfound importance. That had been just before the end, when their fighting was at its worst. She hated all of it, from his stupid haircut to the makeup to the way photo shoots were somehow as important as the music. 

And Yongguk, of course. She'd hated him worst of all. Himchan had told her about their first meeting, laughing off the other boy's rudeness, but Mina had seen his worry and hurt. Even after Himchan had forgiven him (that took about three seconds in typical Himchan fashion) and the two became friends, Mina couldn't forget.

But that had been a long time ago. She couldn't ignore the way Yongguk had been there for Himchan at the hospital after his mother's accident, nor the way he was with him and Jongup in the studio now. Gone was the sullen boy she remembered. In his own studio, with his best friends, in front of a soundboard, he was lit up like she'd never seen him. He even smiled at her a few times in a way that didn't seem accidental. He was actually being _nice_.

He showed her how the equipment could mimic the sound of almost any instrument, and somehow it turned into a game where he and Jongup tried to stump her and Himchan, making them guess the instrument by sound. They matched each other round for round until Himchan slipped up and mistook the pyeonjongfor a pyeongyeong **.**

"Aishh, so stupid!" he groaned, smiting his own forehead. Jongup and Yongguk had been laughing at first but had both turned slightly slack-jawed as the game turned more competitive and the instruments more obscure and similar. 

"Yes," Yongguk said, deadpan. "Classic fool, Kim Himchan."

"Embarrassing," Jongup agreed. Himchan hit him on the shoulder and Jongup hit him back, which seemed to restore his good humor immediately. 

"So, not that I mind schooling Himchan in instrumentals or anything," Mina said. "But I'm not really clear on why you asked me here."

Himchan had been cryptic at the festival; _We need your help_ , he'd said, and somehow that had gotten her here. Because curiosity never led to anything bad. But she had to admit this didn't _feel_ bad. What it felt like was something closer to _fun_. 

"I need your ear," Himchan said. "It's better than mine; you know more about these instruments than any of us. You get to play next to them every day and you know what they can do. Just--hang out for awhile and tell us what you think?"

Mina glanced at Jongup to see how he was taking the request. He was tapping away at the laptop, seemingly not bothered in the slightest. Yongguk too was looking...hopeful. 

"Okay. I don't know how much help I can be, I mean you know I don't know much about the kind of music you make--" she said.

"You have a fresh perspective," Yongguk said quietly. 

There was a light knock on the door and a kind-faced older man poked his head in. 

"Sorry--Yongguk-ah, Himchan, they need you next door for a minute to check over the performance schedules," he said. 

"Be right back," Himchan said, touching the small of Jongup's back and smiling at Mina on the way out. She was left alone with the dancer. Some of the comfort she'd started to feel dropped away. 

"Performance schedules?" she said to fill the silence before it could get awkward. "He didn't mean for the album that doesn't exist yet, did he?"

"Yeah, they schedule it all really far in advance, so no pressure or anything," Jongup said dryly. He closed the laptop and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Mina was reminded of their recent stand-off.

"I'm sorry about how I acted last time I saw you," she blurted. Jongup's eyebrows furrowed.

"At the festival?"

"No, at the Kims' house a few weeks ago. I--wasn't very friendly. I hadn't expected to see you two there, and--I think I was kind of..."

"Defensive?" His tone was light. She sighed and nodded. 

"Yes. And--possessive in a way, I guess. I don't even have any right to be possessive, I know, it's just I've known him so long--anyway." She forced herself to stop babbling. Jongup shrugged.

"That's okay," he said. She waited to see if he would say more, but apparently pith was his thing. Fine. She could live with that. 

Except the conversation felt unfinished, dammit. 

"Should we--I don't know--do that thing where we bond over all of Himchan's weird habits and how hard he is to date?" she asked. The dancer arched an eyebrow at her. 

"Himchan doesn't have any weird habits. He's very easy to date, all the time," he said blankly. Mina sighed, trying not to be irritated, ready to scrap _that_ little conversational gambit. Then she noticed the very small twitch at the corner of Jongup's lips. 

"Are you messing with me?" she asked suspiciously. He smiled. It wasn't the full-on grin she'd seen him direct at Himchan, but it looked genuine enough, if a bit shy. 

"Maybe?"

She laughed. Maybe she'd misjudged him. Maybe he could match Himchan beat for beat after all. 

"Okay, fair enough. You must know so much more of his craziness now anyway; I never had to live with him," she said, returning his smile. "If you ever need dirt on his from, oh, six or ten years ago? I'm your girl. Anything after that and we're in your territory."

For the first time it felt okay to admit it, to let go of her old claim on Himchan. He was obviously in good hands, and while Mina hadn't thought she was a good enough person to _just want him to be happy_ \--well. It turned out she kind of did after all.

"What are you two laughing about?" Speak of the devil. Himchan was back with a tray of coffees and a hopeful smile, his eyes darting between the two of them. 

"Just sharing embarrassing Kim Himchan stories," Mina lied promptly. 

"As if there even are any," Himchan said dismissively, passing her a cup. Jongup made a small incredulous noise and Himchan gave him a look that was too outrageously injured to be genuine. "What have I _ever_ done that's embarrassing?" he challenged, holding one of the remaining cups high over head and out of the shorter man's reach. Jongup simply took Himchan's own cup and took a sip. Mina turned her laugh into a cough. 

"How about all the times you talk about how much you like my butt in interviews?" Jongup supplied. 

"Who does that embarrass?" Himchan turned to Mina. "His butt is the best," he said earnestly. 

"Oh my god." Jongup hid his face behind his coffee cup, but Mina thought the tips of his ears looked slightly pink. 

"I'm very happy for you both," Mina said. It was supposed to be a joke, playing off the whole butt thing, but it came out sounding sincere and Himchan's smile flickered.

"Thanks," he said quietly. 

"Can we get back to the music please?" Jongup said, tugging on Himchan's arm. Himchan smiled down at him. 

"Yes," he said. Mina had the idea he would have said the same to any request Jongup would ever make. 

He sat between them and pulled up a file on his computer. 

"Okay, Mina. Tell us what you think of this."

**

Himchan couldn't remember the last time he'd cooked. The hiatus, maybe. His parents' kitchen had been completely reorganized since then, the most-used glasses and dishes moved to the lower cabinets so his mother could reach from her wheelchair. 

"Red or white?" she asked, showing him a pair of wine bottles. 

"Red will go better with the galbitang," he said. She nodded briskly and wheeled herself past him to the utensil drawer for a wine key.

"What a lucky mother I am to have my son cook for me," she said. 

"Can't have you starving to death while Appa's out of town," Himchan said, smiling. His father was away on business, and while his mother insisted she didn't need a babysitter, Himchan hated the thought of her home alone for long. Hana would stop by later, but for now he could be a good son and feed her. 

They drank and chatted while he chopped, stirred and sauteed, his mother offering up cooking advice he ignored because she didn't know what she was talking about. The room filled with the warm smells of chile and beef, and Himchan had a great feeling of contentment. He was even excited for food, which was kind of new. Oh, he still got _hungry_ , more often than he'd like. But ever since the damned pills he hadn't been able to enjoy a meal. 

But after that day with Mina in the studio, he had spent the next two days composing, and finally, _finally_ , the songs were coming together. It was amazing the difference the traditional instruments made.  The taepyeongso ** _,_** danso and gayageum lent his melodies a complexity they had lacked before. And adding samulnori for the first time since _No Mercy_ already had Jongup excited about choreographing new dances. Himchan felt _useful_ again. 

He had thought it would be awkward to have Mina there, but somehow it worked. She had made good suggestions, reminded Himchan of instruments he had forgotten, gave her honest opinion about their ideas. It had been Mina at her best, the version he had grown up with, the version he'd loved, once. He'd missed her. And, what felt more important, he'd missed the version of himself he'd been when they were together. That Himchan had lived and breathed _music_ , wasn't so bogged down with appearances and photo shoots and the ephemera of fame. He was finally starting to get that back, and he liked it. 

 "You're looking so handsome these days," his mother told him warmly. He smiled at her as he poured the broth into a serving bowl. He tried not to be bothered by the thought that when she said _handsome_ she really meant _thin_. "I meant to tell you last time--when Mina was here?" Her voice was bright, innocent.

Himchan didn't buy it for a second.

"It's been so nice to see her so much lately," his mother went on. "She's been so kind, so generous with her time. Do you know, I think she brings us food once a week, no matter how we tell her she doesn't need to. But I can't complain, I missed her so much when she was studying abroad."

"Where did Appa move the good tongs?" Himchan asked, pawing through the utensil drawer. 

"Are you listening to me?" she prodded.

"Yes, I just--ah!" He unearthed the tool triumphantly and transferred the meat into the soup, motioning for his mother to go to the table.

"She's looking so well, isn't she?"

"Mina? I guess." He settled in his seat and served his mother as he debated how much to tell her. "She's kind of helping us with the album; we're using some traditional instruments in a few of the pieces. That, uh, I've been writing."

His mother brightened. "You're making music together again! Well that's about time; it's been so long since I've seen you two play."

He sighed. "It's not like we're performing together, she just came to the studio with us the other day." Honesty compelled him to add, "She was really helpful. But Yongguk wants me to play the janggu for the recording." It gave him a rush of pride to think about it. He knew the company was hesitant, preferring to use their own studio musicians and have him stick to vocals. But just the fact that Yongguk was pushing for it to be Himchan was enough for him. Almost.

"If she was so helpful, you should take her out to dinner to thank her," his mother said. Himchan sighed and slouched in his chair like a teenager. Debated banging his head against the table a few times. Why was he bothering trying to get her excited about the music? All she could hear was _Mina._

"No, Eomma."

"I'd like to know why not! Really, give me one good reason."

He could only stare stonily. She threw up her hands and gave a sharp little nod as if to say _there, you see?_

"I'm in love with Jongup."

He didn't mean to say it out loud. For a moment he wasn't even sure he had. His mother's expression didn't change one muscle. 

Then, like the rush of a collapsing house of cards, it registered on her face. Shock, dismay.

"Why would you say such a thing to me?" she said weakly. "That's no good joke to play, Himch--"

"It's not a joke." He wanted, _needed_ her to understand suddenly. The best thing that had ever happened to him should not be a secret from his mother. She deserved more than that. "I love him, Eomma. Not--to be dramatic or anything." He attempted a laugh, but the shock didn't fade from her expression.

"Jongup," she repeated. He nodded. " _Moon_ Jongup." As if there was another one. He nodded again. "And...this is not a joke."

"No. We're--we've been together since--it's been almost a year now." He marveled to think of it, of how far they'd come. Everything the year had held; how would he have survived it all without Jongup?

His mother's expression had gone blank. She still didn't understand. Himchan rushed to fill the silence, to explain.

"I wanted to tell you, but it's so important we keep it a secret, but--it's right with him, Eomma. He makes me so happy, I can't--" He shook his head, smiling. Remembering that morning, the two of them curled up in bed with Jongup's iPad, drinking coffee while Himchan showed him YouTube videos of some of his favorite samulnori performances. Jongup had sat between his legs, back warm against Himchan's chest. There had been music and coffee and Yongguk and the others coming in and out of the room in a noisy bustle, and for a moment Himchan had enough awareness to _notice_ his own happiness as it hit him. He'd never felt that as often as when he was with Jongup. He tried to think how to make the idea easier for his mother to take.

"Mina likes him, too, they're finally getting to know each other a little--"

" _Mina_ knows about this--relationship?" she interrupted. 

"Yeah, she figured it out," Himchan said, trying not to be put off by her tone. "She's fine with it, really, or she was once she got over being surpri--"

"Who else knows?" And now there was something new in her face and he recognized it. Fear. For him? _Of_ him?

"Just the other members," he said. She nodded, breathing deeply. 

"So there's still a chance," she said, almost to herself. "This doesn't have to spoil everything."

Himchan's stomach dropped. " _Spoil--"_

"Himchan-ah." Her voice was sharp suddenly, her gaze direct and unwavering. "There's time to fix this. Whatever you've been doing with that boy, it doesn't need to ruin your future. You can end it and go back to normal; no one ever needs to know."

All of the blood in his body rushed to his face. One second he was fine, the next he was _hot_. He wouldn't have been surprised to learn smoke was pouring from his ears. He downed the rest of his wine in an attempt to calm down. Mistake; the alcohol added a kind of rushing to his ears. 

"Back to normal," he repeated. His own voice startled him; he didn't sound like himself. 

"You know what I mean," his mother said impatiently. "You're a bit old to go through this particular phase, but you've always had a funny sense of timing." She shook her head and muttered, "Taking a break in the middle of your career for _nothing_ \--"

"For--? Are you joking right now?" His mind was reeling. "I _lived_ here during the hiatus and you never said _anyth_ \--I thought you understood." He didn't know which bit was the worst: her dismissal of his relationship or this sudden betrayal over the lawsuit. He felt as though she'd reached across the table and slapped him.

His mother took another deep breath through flared nostrils. "My son should be further by this time in his life," she said. "You should be settling down with a _family by_ now, not--not wasting your time chasing silly dreams with some-- _boy_ \--who's obviously corrupted your mind."

They stared at each other over the table. 

"Jongup," Himchan said. 

"What?"

"You know his name. He's not _some boy_ ; he's _Jongup_. He's been in this house. He visited you in the hospital. He isn't some _phase_ to me, don't you dare."

Her eyes widened. "This is how you talk to me?" she demanded. Himchan gave an incredulous laugh. 

"Who _are_ you?" he said. "My mother was _proud_ of my group and our _silly dreams_. My mother wasn't so closed-minded that she would have said _any_ of this." He waited, staring at her, _looking for_ her, for any sign of the woman who had raised him. 

She wasn't there. The expression on her face was mingled disappointment and disgust. She was a stranger. 

"I guess she didn't make it out of that accident after all," he said.

**

"They always do that," Daehyun said. Only he was speaking around a mouthful of honey butter chips, so it came out "Dey alw--ss oo at."

"Swallow, _then_ talk," Youngjae suggested from his spot on the floor. "You're grossing out Yongguk hyung."

Daehyun swallowed his retort along with his snack, looking guiltily at the leader. "Ahem. Sorry, hyung."

Yongguk glanced up from his phone. "What?"

"Who always does what?" Jongup spoke up, hoping to forestall an argument. 

"In the dramas, the guys always do that hug thing, pulling the girl in like _hwhooosh!_ Does anyone do that in real life?"

" _Hwhooosh!"_ Junhong echoed to himself, and giggled. He was draped over the back of the couch, tickling Jongup's neck with his toes. 

They all looked at Yongguk expectantly. It took a moment for the silence to filter through whatever was distracting him, and he looked up, took in the faces watching him.

"What?" he said again. 

"The hug thing," Daehyun repeated, motioning to the TV screen. Unhelpful, as it was currently showing a commercial for dish soap. "Would you do that in real life?"

Yongguk stared at him for a long moment. Jongup had a feeling he didn't have a clue what Daehyun was talking about. The rapper liked to hang out while they all watched TV in the common room, but he was rarely watching it himself, usually distracted by something on his phone or laptop. "Um. Probably not."

"Dramas aren't supposed to be like real life, hyung," Junhong explained helpfully, petting Daehyun's hair. 

"I don't know," Youngjae said, starting to laugh. "Whenever something important happens to me it usually happens four or five times in a row in slow motion as music swells in the background."

Daehyun ignored him and peered around Yongguk to see Jongup on the other end of the couch. "Have you and Himchan hyung ever done the hug thing?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Really?" He brightened. Jongup nodded solemnly.

"All the time," he said.

"See?" Daehyun flicked the back of Youngjae's head. 

"He's _joking_ , pabo."

Yongguk's phone rang and they all went quiet, Daehyun muting the TV respectfully. Yongguk clambered to his feet, climbing over Youngjae.

"Hello?" he said, heading for the back of the dorm, but he paused in the doorway and turned back, frowning. "Hana?"

Jongup looked up and Yongguk met his eyes. The rapper's frown deepened. 

"Slow down, noona, wha-- _what_?" 

The others exchanged a glance and Jongup's stomach flipped unpleasantly. He sat up a bit straighter. 

"I don't know what y--" Yongguk broke off and was quiet for a long time. Jongup could just hear the tinny voice coming through the phone. Himchan's sister seemed to be yelling. "I wouldn't know anything about that," Yongguk said. Another pause. "Noona-- _noona_ \--what happened to Himchan? Where'd he go?"

Jongup dived for his phone. He dialed Himchan's number. Straight to voicemail. Yongguk's frown was a monstrous thing. 

"Fine. Okay, I--yeah. I'll have him call you." Yongguk hung up and stared down at his phone.

"What happened?" Daehyun asked, seeing that Jongup couldn't. 

"Himchan...told his mother about him and Jongup," Yongguk said. He met Jongup's eyes. "Did you know he was going to do that?"

" _No_ ," Jongup said, completely baffled. In fact he couldn't imagine Himchan doing such a thing. "It wasn't a plan, if that's what you mean." 

"It didn't go well," Yongguk said. "They fought; his mother called Hana, she's completely hysterical, and Himchan left. That was over an hour ago."

Jongup's stomach had dropped so far it must be somewhere around the equator by now. He tried Himchan's number again. Voicemail.

"His phone's off," he said. He tried to think. Himchan had his car. Where would he go? Why hadn't he called? Shit. He'd been having dinner with his mother. Dinner at the Kims' meant wine. If he'd been drinking and left suddenly, upset...

"We need to find him," he said. 


	20. Chapter 20

There was no one in the gym.

Himchan's favorite practice rooms sat empty. His janggu languished in the corner of the studio. The smoking roof only held a cluster of trainees who looked over guiltily when Jongup pushed the window open and peered out. 

Daehyun checked the bathrooms while he made some calls. 

"Sleepy-hyung hasn't seen him," he reported, meeting Jongup in the hallway. "Manager Kang hasn't heard from him and I had to convince him I was asking because we're in the middle of another prank war and now he's annoyed with me." He frowned down at his phone. "I could try Suwoong?"

Jongup just shrugged. He didn't see why Daehyun was bothering; if Himchan was going to call anyone, it would be him. 

The five remaining members had split up to look for him. Yongguk and Youngjae were checking the bars around the dorm in case he'd stopped in one, and Daehyun had taken one look at Jongup's face and told him there was no way he was driving. Junhong had stayed in the dorm in case Himchan returned. 

Jongup had sent a single text: _Channie where are you? CALL ME_ , which had gone unanswered. That could only mean Himchan hadn't seen it; he would never let Jongup worry, no matter how upset he might be. But the possible reasons Himchan, who always had his phone on him, might have missed the message, were making Jongup's heart clench painfully in his chest.

_Maybe he left it at his parents' house when he left._

_Yeah, or maybe he drove off the road and he's unconscious in a ditch somewhere._

"Jonguppie?" Daehyun was giving him a very worried look. "We could try that coffee shop he likes? The one that's open late?"

Jongup knew the place. It had a fireplace in the middle of the cafe, lots of squashy couches and chairs. He and Himchan had spent hours there talking and drinking way too many americanos (Himchan) and hot chocolates (Jongup) and taking way too many pictures (Himchan) and avoiding being in as many pictures as possible (Jongup). 

He couldn't see Himchan going there if he was upset. A bar seemed much more likely. But in either case, his unanswered text ate at him. 

"I guess," he said finally, unable to think of anything better.

Daehyun was uncharacteristically quiet as they drove and Jongup tried to think. He tried to think where Himchan would go, of why he wouldn't have seen Jongup's message--all the mundane, likely reasons, like his phone was dead and he'd forgotten his charger.

At the same time he tried not to think. He tried not to think of what his mother could have said to him, of what might have happened if he left her house tipsy and upset. That was the problem, too; he didn't know that neighborhood well enough to guess where he might have gone. He didn't know his old haunts, his--

He stopped.

Oh.

He began to scroll through the contacts on his phone. The one he wanted had only been there a few days and he hadn't expected to use it so soon--or ever, honestly. He'd never thought he'd be so grateful to see that name pull up. 

Mina's voice was tentative when she answered, as if she thought he'd called her by mistake. Was it even possible to butt-dial someone with a smart phone?

"Hello?"

"It's Jongup. Have you seen Himchan?" He didn't bother with pleasantries. 

"Not since the other day in the studio. Why, what's the matter?"

"Where would he go? If he was upset at his parents' house, where would he go?" Jongup barreled on. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of this before. Mina knew Himchan's old neighborhood because it was _her_ old neighborhood. 

"What happened?" she demanded. "Is his mother all right?"

"She's--they got in a fight," Jongup said. "I guess he told her about--us--and it was bad, and he left and I'm afraid he was drinking and he won't answer his phone or texts or anything and just--where would he go?"

Mina cursed quietly. "I don't--okay. I mean, there was this old playground we used to sneak out to at night, it's up in the hills and looks out on the city? But I don't even know if it's still there, it's been years--"

"How do I find it?"

**

They scrapped the coffee shop idea and Daehyun drove them out of the city. Unhelpful updates buzzed through his phone from the others. Their searches had been fruitless. Jongup wasn't surprised. They were on the right track now, though; he could feel it. 

The drive took forever. Jongup could only be grateful there wasn't much traffic this late. Following Mina's directions led them past Himchan's street and up a winding path into the hills. 

The houses grew larger and drew back away from the road while trees crowded in behind a long low stone wall, giving the path a claustrophobic, airless feel.

Or maybe that was just Jongup. 

There was no one on the road with them so late; residents were presumably tucked in their homes for the night. It came as a shock when they rounded a corner and found a car stopped in the street ahead of them. Daehyun swore and braked too hard. They were in no danger of hitting the vehicle, which had been pulled off to the side of the road, albeit crookedly. But they both recognized Himchan's car on sight.

Jongup was out and running before Daehyun had fully parked. There was a long, deep scratch along the passenger side, and some rocks from the wall had come loose in the road behind the car. The concrete grew gritty under Jongup's feet.

The car was empty. 

Jongup stared in the window at the deep stain on the seat. He couldn't make out the color in the low light, but he thought it was red.

"What is that?" Daehyun said, crowding in beside him. "Is that--?" he broke off before he could say it. Jongup backed away. There was no broken glass. Himchan had been well enough to pull over, anyway.

"We must be close," he said. "He must've walked from here--" He continued ahead, peering into the trees on the far side of the road. Mina had warned him the path might not be there anymore. 

_It was already all sad and abandoned when we were kids, who knows if anyone goes there now._

He almost missed it because he'd been looking for an overgrown path. This one was wide and clear and obvious. 

"Are you sure that's it?" Daehyun asked, doubtful. Jongup looked farther up the road, tried to find another option. But this was just where Mina had said it would be.

"No," he said, and started down it. Daehyun turned on his phone's flashlight and followed. Even with the light, the trees were oppressive around them. Jongup couldn't quite seem to catch his breath. 

It hadn't been blood. It couldn't be. 

_Not blood, not blood, not blood_. The chant took the place of his heartbeat. 

Finally, the trees let up and they reached a clearing. Jongup could see the skeletal form of a playground against the night sky, lit from below by the city. 

"Jongup." Daehyun pointed and Jongup followed his gaze to the swing set and the single figure seated there. 

He would know Himchan's silhouette anywhere. For half a beat his knees were in danger of giving out. 

Daehyun squeezed his shoulder supportively, then gave him a small push. "Go on, I'll call the others," he said. "And keep an eye on the cars." He retreated back the way they'd come.

Jongup was still for a moment, taking in Himchan's distant form. As he watched, the older man moved, lifted something from the ground. 

Jongup started for him. As he got closer, details swam out of the dark. Himchan was in a plain white t-shirt, having discarded the button-down he'd worn to dinner. This he'd left in a heap on the ground beside him. What Jongup first took to be a shadow turned out to be a dark stain on the shirt, and as Himchan lowered to the ground what turned out to be a bottle, Jongup understood. Wine, not blood. 

"You were drinking and driving?" he demanded. 

Himchan jumped and half-turned in the swing at the sound of his voice. His brow creased. 

"Jongup-ah? What are yo--"

Jongup circled in front of him and clutched his shoulders, looking him over for injuries. Made himself really feel the warm muscles under his hands. Himchan was fine. He was fine. 

"I thought you were hurt," he mumbled, dropping to his knees in front of him, suddenly exhausted as the adrenaline left his system. "I thought--how could you drink and drive?" He pushed the bottle away, watched the wine soak into the sandy ground.

"I didn't," Himchan said. "I just grabbed the open bottle on my way out. Spilled it all over myself in the car, figured I should stop there." He rested a hand on Jongup's neck, ran his thumb along his jawline. "What are you doing here, Jonguppie?"

"Hana called Yongguk hyung."

Himchan looked away. 

Jongup rose and sat in the swing next to him, turning to him as much as the chain would allow. He noticed the view for the first time, Seoul spread out, lit up like a jewel. "What happened?"

Himchan was quiet. Jongup tried not to press too hard. He was basically dying over here, but that was okay. Himchan was okay. 

Himchan was okay.

"It was an accident."

Jongup's eyes darted back to his face, which he could only see in profile. Himchan was staring at his hands. 

"She wouldn't stop _pushing_ about Mina; I was trying to tell her about the new album and she just didn't care, and--I really wanted her to care. And I just said it, I just said I couldn't take Mina out because I was in love with you."

Jongup swallowed hard. Even after so long, hearing the words got him every time. His voice was thick when he spoke.

"What'd she say?" 

"It doesn't matter."

"That's not true." But Himchan was shaking his head. He pressed his lips together tightly as if to contain an answer that might try to force its way out. "Himchan, come on."  He wouldn't even look at him. 

"She's...not happy," Himchan said finally with a small, humorless laugh. "I'm a huge disappointment, basically, I should be married by now and should just give up the whole music thing altogether because it's a waste of time."

"Wait, what?" Jongup hadn't expected this. Himchan's parents had always seemed so supportive of the group, so proud. This didn't sound like it was much about their relationship at all. 

"It doesn't matter," Himchan said again.

Jongup frowned at him. He'd have known this was bullshit even if his boyfriend hadn't been sitting out here brooding over it for almost three hours. He suddenly noticed goosebumps along the other man's bare arms. 

"You're out here without a coat," he scolded, cursing his own obliviousness as he shrugged off his jacket and stood in front of Himchan again, pulling it tight around his shoulders. The unseasonable warmth of the past few days was still lingering, but with the sun gone down it had grown cold.  Himchan didn't look at him but he leaned forward to rest his head on Jongup's chest. Jongup stepped closer between his knees and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, trying to rub warmth back in. He felt Himchan's arms slide around his waist. He leaned down to press his lips against the crown of his head. 

"She was probably just...surprised," he offered, and immediately wished he'd stayed quiet.  As if surprise could excuse whatever she had said to her son.

"You know I love you, right?" Himchan's voice was muffled in Jongup's clothes. This question scared him almost as badly as anything that had happened all night. His hands froze, flat against the other man's back.

"That's...usually the kind of question you ask when you're about to break up with someone," he said. Himchan pulled back from him.

"That's not what this is." But he still wouldn't meet his eyes. "Just. If you ever wanted to. I'd understand."

Jongup had to remind himself to breathe. He ran a hand through Himchan's hair. "What have I done to make you think I'd ever want that?"

"You don't want to keep this big a secret forever, and...you should have someone you can be proud to bring home to your family, you know?"

"I'm proud of _you_ ," Jongup said sharply. He really, really didn't like where this conversation was going. Himchan finally looked at him and frowned. 

"I know that, I'm not--fishing for compliments right now," he said. "I'm trying to be _honest_ , Jonguppie." He nudged him gently with his knee. "You can't tell me you'd be fine keeping this from your family forever. Your hyungs."

Jongup clenched his jaw. It was true that it had gotten harder and harder to keep his relationship with Himchan a secret, especially when he spoke to his brothers. He had so _many_ stories with Himchan; he was even wrapped up in all the things you'd think would have been safe. When he talked about music, his writing, all the new lines he was getting now, he thought of Himchan watching him from the side of the stage or studio, his eyes positively _shining_ with pride. Late night choreography sessions with Junhong tended to be interrupted by Himchan bringing them food--hell, the dances they were working on now, the ones he was so excited about, had been inspired by the samulnori beats Himchan had introduced him to. Jongup wasn't accustomed to self-editing with his hyungs, and he didn't like it. But he'd put off actually considering the alternatives. If he ever told them and they didn't approve, he'd be crushed. 

But the idea of walking away from what he had with Himchan was fucking unbearable.

"So we tell them," he said recklessly. "They won't all react the same; they can't." He hoped. Himchan was shaking his head slowly. 

"You make it sound so _simple_ , Jonguppie, and it's--not. Believe me."

Jongup did. For the first time, he felt a spark of dislike towards his boyfriend's mother, and no small amount of disappointment. He'd thought she liked him; was the idea of him with her son really so awful? Whatever she had said to Himchan had shaken him badly enough to question their future. He had always been so sure. And now...

"I didn't say it was simple. But we can figure it out together, right?" He hooked a finger under Himchan's chin, lifting it so he'd look at him. 

Himchan sighed and smiled a bit sadly up at him. "Okay." He sounded tired. Jongup leaned in and kissed him. It came as a relief when Himchan kissed him back. Jongup pulled away just a hair. 

"You're freezing. Let's go back." He cupped Himchan's cold cheeks in his palms, trying to warm them. 

"I probably shouldn't drive yet," Himchan said sheepishly, glancing at the wine. 

"I'll drive your car. Daehyun-hyung brought us out here."

Himchan winced. "Everyone's worried?"

"They're looking for you," Jongup said, reluctantly, because he could see Himchan was in the mood to beat himself up. Sure enough, he scowled and looked away. 

"I keep fucking up _everything_ ," he remarked tightly. He let Jongup pull him to his feet. He swayed a little and Jongup slipped under his arm to steady him.

"No you don't. There's been a lot happening, that's all." They stared out at the city for a minute. "This is a cool spot, hyung."

"It used to be better. No one used to come out here but us, me and Mina and our group of friends? There was just this one broken swing that we all used to fight over. Everything was all overgrown and wild; this is horrible." Himchan frowned around at the neatly manicured lawn and new playground equipment.

"Someone has no sense of nostalgia," Jongup agreed, earning a smile. Together, they found their way onto the path back to the road. Jongup looked back at the view one last time as they went. Himchan didn't.

**

He didn't sleep. 

After they returned to the cars and he accepted Daehyun's hug, after he located his phone, sandwiched between the driver's seat and the door where he'd dropped it, after he saw the missed calls and texts from Jongup and Yongguk and Hana and Mina, after Jongup drove them back to the dorm behind Daehyun's car. 

After Yongguk met them wordlessly inside the dorm and handed him a bottle of water and kept a hand on his shoulder while he watched him drink the whole thing. 

After his apologies for worrying everyone were waved off and the members drifted to their own rooms. 

After he and Jongup changed into their pajamas and crawled into bed, after Jongup kissed him softly, sweetly, but fervently. After Jongup finally succumbed to sleep, after Himchan just watched him for a time, marveling at his existence--

He slipped out of bed and went to the common room. 

He slipped on his shoes and out of the dorm.

He rode the elevator down, breathing easier with every floor he passed. 

The night was cold but he was in one of Jongup's sweatshirts and the wind couldn't bite him as hard through the thick fabric. He sat on the step outside the building, kicking away a few cigarette butts. 

He needed to be away from Jongup. 

His first instinct upon storming out of his mother's house had been to call him, but he'd stopped himself. He felt that Jongup would only have to take one look at his face to see everything his mother had said. 

Well, screamed. 

It had gone on long past the point he should have walked away. They both made direct hits. He didn't want Jongup to know. He needed to protect him from all of it.

But he couldn't help feeling that by doing so, he was being selfish. Because no matter what Jongup said, there was no guarantee that telling anyone else would go any better. Himchan would never forgive himself if he came between Jongup and his brothers. How could he ask him to risk a scene like Himchan had just had?

He wanted a cigarette.

And a time machine to go back and make this night never happen.

His phone rang. He'd brought it with him out of habit more than anything else; he didn't want to talk to anyone. The screen showed his sister's name. 

He sighed and answered.

"It's late, noona."

"Where the hell have you been?" Hana raged. "I _just_ got Eomma to calm down enough to sleep, she's saying _crazy stuff_ , like about you being in love with _Jongup,_ like _what_? What the hell happened?"

He _really_ wanted a cigarette. 

He gave a humorless laugh. "I told her I was in love with Jongup; that's what happened," he said. 

She went silent. Himchan waited, turning his ring around and around on his finger. 

_Selfish_ , a familiar cold voice told him.

"What are you talking about?" Hana asked quietly. 

He gave his sister the abbreviated version; he was in love with Jongup, they'd been together a year or so, yes it was serious, no he wasn't kidding. Hana wasn't shocked so much by the whole two guys thing--she was a designer, she'd spent plenty of time abroad, she had a wider perspective on sexuality than many people--so much as that it was _him_.

"You've just always been so into _girls_ ," she said. 

"I like girls," Himchan said tiredly. "Girls are fine; girls are great. But I'm in love with Jongup."

She went quiet again for a minute. "Okay," she said finally. "Eomma didn't take it too well, huh."

"Not great, no." For the first time, he thought to wonder whether she'd called his father. Bad enough he'd lost his mother tonight; he didn't think he could face losing his father, too. 

"I'll try to talk some sense into her tomorrow," Hana said. "You know how old fashioned she is, she just needs time to catch up to this century." She already had that brisk, take-charge tone back in her voice. It brought tears to the corner of Himchan's eyes. He blinked them back.

"You don't think I'm some kind of deviant?"

"For being in a committed relationship with someone you've been close to for years? Yeah, you're really living on the edge of society there, Channie," she said. Hana didn't have a sentimental bone in her body, and he knew this was the closest she would come to giving him her blessing. 

He'd take it.

"Thanks, noona."

"Get some sleep," she said, more gently, and disconnected. 

Himchan stayed outside until the tip of his nose had gone numb. Then he gathered himself back up and returned to the dorm. He felt slightly better after talking to his sister. At least she was still being normal. Maybe Jongup was right; not everyone would react like his mother.

He reentered the dorm just as Jongup was coming out of their room, a worried look on his face. He stopped when he saw Himchan and took a deep, relieved breath. Himchan immediately felt guilty; he hadn't meant for Jongup to wake up to an empty bed. 

"I was just getting some air," he said quickly. Jongup nodded. 

"You couldn't sleep?"

Himchan shook his head. Jongup rubbed the back of his neck. He looked adorable in a pair of oversized pajama pants--an old pair of Himchan's, actually--and an unzipped hoodie he must have grabbed on his way out the door. His hair had grown over the break and it was all mussed with sleep. Himchan wanted to drape himself over him, to wrap the smaller man up completely. Jongup wouldn't mind.

But everything still felt strange and he was shy and he stayed where he was while Jongup passed him on the way to the kitchen. 

"Tea," he said tiredly over his shoulder. "Come on."

He followed and sat on the counter while Jongup bustled around heating water in the electric kettle, pulling out mugs (he made sure Himchan got his favorite mug for once; the one with his name on it that usually the others used before he could because they were _hilarious_ ) and tea bags and honey.

It was oddly soothing watching him, but then there was always something calming about Jongup. Himchan thought it was his focus, the way he always seemed content to be doing whatever it was he was doing. He didn't seem to spend nearly as much time as Himchan worrying about the future, fretting over the past, or debating other ways he could be spending his time in the present. He just _was_ , and being with him helped quiet some of the frantic whirring in Himchan's mind. 

"Here." Jongup handed him his mug and Himchan enjoyed the warmth of it between his cold palms. His boyfriend came to stand between his knees, as he had back at the swing set, only the counter was higher and so Himchan could look at his face instead of his torso. 

But he still felt too anxious and guilty to look Jongup in the eye, so he gazed into his mug instead, hoping Jongup would take this for a deep and sincere appreciation of the beverage. 

When he chanced a glance up at him, though, he saw that Jongup was watching him with a slightly cocked eyebrow. 

"Thanks for the tea," Himchan said. Jongup sighed and took the cup out of his hands, setting it on the stove next to him. Himchan watched him with some trepidation. Jongup was frowning slightly as he took his hands and brought them to his mouth, breathing hot air on them. 

"Is there some reason you keep trying to get hypothermia tonight?" he asked, his tone light but his expression serious as he studied Himchan's face. It was hard to meet his eyes. Jongup took a small step closer until he was flush with the counter. He held Himchan's hip with one hand, the other holding his hand, tracing the scar on the back with the tip of his index finger.

"It kind of freaks me out when you get quiet like this," he murmured.

"Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, just-- _talk_ to me. Please? Or else I'm gonna think you're--planning something dumb."

"Like what?" Himchan asked. Jongup met his gaze squarely. 

"Like breaking up with me before we have a chance to tell anyone else about us," he said quietly. 

Himchan turned his hand over to capture Jongup's. It hit him again suddenly, how far the younger man had come; how far they'd come together. Maybe it _was_ selfish. But Jongup could have pulled away any time. Himchan had given him more than enough reasons over the past year, yet here he still was. That had to mean something. 

"You know, for a secret genius you can be really, really wrong sometimes," he told him. The dancer squinted at him. 

"Really?"

"Uh huh." He tightened his grip on Jongup's hand; their rings clicked against each other. "I was _thinking_...maybe you were right. I talked to Hana. And it was kind of...fine, actually."

Jongup brightened a little. "Yeah?" 

Himchan nodded. "Maybe your hyungs will be, too." 

He didn't know Jongup's brothers as well as he'd like, but he knew enough to see that sweetness seemed to be a family trait. He suspected that any problem they had with their relationship would be directed toward him and not Jongup. That would be okay. He didn't think he'd have a hard time convincing them of his feelings. 

Jongup's smile was tentative. "So...should we do this? Tell people?"

The way he jumped at the idea told everything Himchan all he needed to know about how much the younger must have thought about this before. 

He shrugged. "I mean, not _everyone_ ," he said. "It's still probably not something the company should know about. But your family, yeah. It doesn't have to be now, just...when you're ready, I'm in."

Jongup's smile faded a little. "Your mom, though," he said. "I feel bad." He made a face at the inadequacy of the words. Himchan ran a hand through his hair, smoothing away some of the sleepy chaos.

"Hey. Turns out she was disappointed in me for a lot more than this," he said lightly. 

"She shouldn't be," Jongup said immediately. Himchan willed away the image of his mother that swam into his mind. The way she'd _looked_ at him...

"It's okay," he tried. Jongup was frowning.

"No," he said. "It's really not."

Himchan closed his eyes against the tears that were threatening again, willing them away. He was tired of feeling sad, tired of feeling guilty, tired of feeling fat and of keeping secrets. He was tired of suppressing the voices in his head that hated him so much.

He was so fucking tired.

Warm palms on his thighs, parting them further, then Jongup took his face in his hands and there was the gentle press of his lips, on each of his eyelids and then his mouth.

"Jongup-ah."

"Mm."

He opened his eyes and saw--Jongup. Just Jongup, looking at him.

The stupid voices fell silent.

Himchan ran a finger along the neck of the dancer's hoodie, following the open zipper down his abdomen.

"Take me to bed," he said. 

Jongup nodded, pulling on his hips. He barely moved back so that when Himchan slid off the counter, he was pressed flush against him. They both gasped a little at the contact, then Himchan's hands were skimming his sides and Jongup's lips were on his again, hands in his hair. 

There was only this, only _him_ : hard muscle and smooth skin, the faded taste of mint, the little involuntary sounds he made while they kissed. 

He pulled Himchan along with him, through the kitchen and common room, only stumbling a little. Himchan couldn't bring himself to let him pull away enough for them to walk normally back to their bedroom. 

Fortunately they didn't have far to go. 

Jongup had turned on the bedside lamp before leaving the room. The bed was a mess, the sheet stretching out across the floor as though it had tried to restrain him on his way out. Himchan kicked it out of the way.

He ran his hands down Jongup's shoulders, slipping the sweatshirt off him as he did. They dropped it heedlessly to the floor and then they were on the bed. Jongup pulled Himchan down on him, not letting him prop himself up to keep some of his weight off him. Himchan was already too far gone to protest. He just wanted to forget. Jongup could make him forget. 

The dancer was tugging at his clothes, but not having much luck from his position. 

"Bad shirt," he said reprovingly, trying to pull the offending garment over Himchan's head. Himchan chuckled and pulled back long enough to strip it off, grinding down against Jongup's hips as he did. The younger man gasped and his hands flew to Himchan's hips before going to the drawstring of his pajama pants. Somehow the string knotted instead of untying and Jongup growled, making Himchan laugh again. This only lasted until Jongup palmed him through the soft fabric. Himchan grabbed for his wrist to still his hand.

"Why aren't you more frustrated?" Jongup complained, but he was smiling too. Himchan shook his head and undid the knot, kicking off his pajama pants before lying across Jongup again. 

"I'm exactly where I want to be," he explained. Jongup relaxed under him, his face softening. Himchan didn't know how he could look at him like that, like  Himchan was _everything_ , somehow. He felt like he might just burst into flames. 

"Me too," Jongup said. He brought his knees up on either side of Himchan, holding him in place. Himchan dipped his nose to nudge Jongup's, passing over the dot on his nose, the arc of his cheekbone, the bow of his lips. 

"Himchan?"

He hummed and lifted his head. The younger man looked very serious.

"Just--I love you," he said. "I just wanted to say that before we--you know--"

Himchan smiled and kissed him, then rolled his hips against Jongup's. "Before?" he said. "You think I wouldn't believe it after?"

Jongup was funny like that. He didn't say the words so often, sometimes went days or even weeks between saying them. It had worried Himchan at first, until he noticed that his boyfriend was oddly superstitious about it. He didn't like to say _I love you too_ if Himchan said it first, apparently thinking he wouldn't believe him or it wouldn't count or something. 

Himchan didn't mind. It was there in every action, in every look. And every time he _did_ say it, it hit him as hard as it had the first time. 

"I'm serious," Jongup said. Himchan's smile faded.

"I know," he said. "Just like you know I love you more than anything."

Jongup smiled a little and for a second his eyes looked especially bright. "Well then," he said. "Since that's settled."

He pulled him down and Himchan went more than willingly. 

They had done this a hundred times by now, maybe more, and yet--

And yet.

The taste of Jongup's skin as Himchan kissed a path down his neck.

The barely-swallowed gasp as his thumb brushed one of the younger man's nipples.

The perfect pressure of Jongup's hand on the back of his neck and the precise roll of his hips as he wrapped a bare leg around Himchan. 

They were so fucking good at this. 

Himchan could never leave Jongup's lips for long. He kissed him until he was dizzy and they were both breathless. Jongup took Himchan's ass in both hands and pulled him hard against himself. Himchan groaned and bit Jongup's lower lip gently before moving down his body again. 

He pulled his boxers down as he kissed the dancer's toned naval. 

"Hyung--" Jongup's voice was hoarse. Himchan looked up at him. "You don't have to--"

Himchan tweaked his nipple, making him bite his lip. "Let me take care of you," he said. Jongup ran a finger along Himchan's lips. He was hard under his chest. 

"You always do."

Himchan smiled again and moved further down, kissing inside Jongup's muscled thighs and marveling once again that he was lucky enough to do this. Jongup lifted a leg and brought his foot to rest on top of Himchan's back. He would push down before he came; he liked to finish with Himchan inside of him. The older man glanced up at him and saw the way he was biting his lip and watching him with half-closed eyes. Himchan smirked and maintained eye contact as he took Jongup in his mouth, fast and deep. 

The younger man's back arched off the bed and he clutched at the sheets, but he kept his gaze on Himchan as he sucked him off. There was almost a _challenge_ in that look. It was almost the same expression he got dancing sometimes, intent and serious and so fucking hot Himchan couldn't bear it. 

He was painfully hard himself by the time Jongup gasped and pushed him with his foot. Himchan pulled off and let Jongup tug him back up, their lips meeting in a clashing kiss. Jongup wound his legs around Himchan's waist and for a second the glorious grinding pressure seemed like it would finish them both off before they could go any further. Then, as one, they went still, panting into each other's mouths and grinning. 

"Fucking--" Jongup mumbled and Himchan just nodded, groping around the nightstand for lube and a condom. 

He prepped the smaller man as carefully as he could stand with Jongup's tongue in his mouth, legs still tight around him. When he finally, finally pressed in, everything else stopped, and there was only Jongup, Jongup.

Jongup.


	21. Chapter 21

   **Week 46**

*****

B.A.P was silent.

They were silent so long, Yongguk began to think none of them would ever speak again. And probably that was a good thing, because they couldn't possibly have anything good to say at this point. 

It was their first time listening to the full album after all the composing, recording and mixing had finally been completed. Yongguk had been up for the past 72 hours straight and he barely knew which way was up anymore.

His friends were _so_ quiet. God, they must _hate_ it--and him by extension. He was a talentless hack, clearly; he'd only been kidding himself this whole time, he'd let everyone down--

His wild thought-train to desolation-town was interrupted when Junhong raised both arms in the air and _howled_. 

It was shockingly loud and shrill in the tiny, over-crowded studio, and it broke the spell. Youngjae burst out into his gasping little-kid laugh and he clutched the maknae around the shoulders, shaking him wildly as his howl turned to whoops. Then Daehyun was at Yongguk's side and he was smiling with his whole _face_ , that Jung Daehyun smile that turned his eyes to crescents and blocked out the sun with dimples and teeth and pure joy, and he was congratulating Yongguk and the rapper could feel himself blushing under the praise.

Against the wall, Kang had an arm around Himchan and Yongguk could hear him complimenting him on his composing. Himchan seemed a little shell-shocked until he looked past Kang at Jongup, who was bouncing up and down and grinning at him, and then Himchan's eyes met Yongguk's for just a second.

Yongguk tried to do the kind of eye-talking you could only do with people you knew really well, tried to tell Himchan _We did it!_ and **_You_** _did it!_ and _I'm proud of you_ and _That's a fucking killer song you wrote, I especially liked that crescendo at the end, like it makes me want to dance and cry at the same time if you know what I mean._

"Thanks," Himchan said, and for a second Yongguk was very impressed with this sudden mastery of telepathy, but then he realized Himchan was talking to Kang. Except Himchan held his gaze and his eyes seemed to be saying something that might have been _Cool album, Bbang,_ or _You probably should have gotten me more involved years ago, huh,_ or _Jesus H. you look like shit, you know that?_

Or _I'm proud of you_ or _Thanks._

Or none of these. Or all of them.

Then Himchan grinned and let Jongup pull him into his bouncing party and they even got Manager Kang in on the action, which would have made everyone laugh except they all were already. And somewhere in there Junhong and Youngjae started up a chant: _"Second full al-bum! Second full al-bum!"_ and somehow everything devolved into a dancing party and someone put the album on again and the sound of Yongguk's friends filled the air to bursting.

**

It took a very long time for the revelry to die down enough for everyone's ears to begin functioning properly again. Now they all lay in a blissful heap of limbs in the middle of the room. One of Youngjae's sharp knees was pressed against Jongup's side and Himchan's legs were slung across his middle and his head was pillowed on Junhong's stomach and he could feel his friend still vibrating with excitement and he couldn't stop himself smiling and everything was great.

Kang had joined the gleeful celebrations, but had managed to avoid the piling of the group on the floor. He looked down on them now with the typical Kang expression, equal parts amusement, bemusement, and concern. 

"Guys!" he bellowed over them as their chattering died down. 

"Hyung-nim, get down here!" Youngjae bellowed, to general noisy accord. Kang darted out of reach, grinning. 

"Release party!" he said. This made them all sit up in attention, or it would have if sitting up were actually possible. Jongup imagined a giant comb picking through the group, untangling limbs and separating them back into their individual selves again. 

"Party?" Daehyun repeated. Kang nodded. 

"So you know Friday night you'll do the countdown to midnight release on V App. Then you'll have your concert and hi touch Saturday afternoon. Saturday night, party."

"Did the company spring for a fruit tray?" Himchan asked politely, and Jongup heard Yongguk give what could have been either a cough or a laugh. 

"Not this time," Kang said. "We're talking an _actual party_ in an _actual club_. Catering, open bar, the whole thing." 

Jongup lifted his head just slightly and met Junhong's eyes just as his best friend began to smile. The dancer turned to the other side and grinned at Himchan, and somehow he and Daehyun managed a high-five without being able to quite see each other's faces. Kang was smiling now, too. 

" _And,"_ he said, "I know it's short notice, so I'm sorry about that, but you can all invite your families."

Himchan's legs stiffened across Jongup's middle. Jongup's smile faded. Kang continued, oblivious. 

"They don't want _too_ many people; or at least not too many non-industry people--" He rolled his eyes. It was the closest their tight-lipped manager ever got to badmouthing the company he worked for. "so I've got six tickets for each of you to give to whoever you want to be there. I already put them out in the main studio for you to pick up when you leave. Whoever you give them to will get special priority, VIP treatment, all that good stuff, so make sure you don't lose them." His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket, excusing himself a second later. 

They were quiet for a second. With Kang gone, Jongup reached out blindly and found Himchan's hand, squeezing it. 

"Parties are fun!" Daehyun said, a bit weakly. He understood the implications of Kang's words as well as anyone.

It had been a month since Himchan's fight with his mother. The two hadn't spoken since. Nor had he talked to his father, who took a staggering two weeks to even try calling. 

Hana had been in touch, but Jongup knew Himchan had begun to avoid her calls as well. His boyfriend took to "forgetting" his phone at the dorm under a pile of carefully-placed pillows. 

When Jongup confronted him about it, Himchan couldn't look at him. "I'm not ready to talk to Appa yet," he said. He was folding a giant pile of laundry. He'd taken to doing everyone's, though Jongup didn't know where he found the time in between his long hours in the studio. 

"As long as I don't talk to him, there's still a chance...that he could be okay with it." Himchan smoothed one of Jongup's shirts carefully. Jongup stilled his hand and held it. 

"Like Schrodinger's Cat," he said. He'd read about this scientific theory with fascination (and, okay, there had been some confusion in the mix). But he thought he understood enough: a cat, closed in a box with poison, could in equal probability be dead or alive, and thus could exist in both states at once until the box was opened. Until Himchan opened the proverbial box, his father could both approve of their relationship and disown him for it. Until he actually spoke to him, he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of the dead cat or feed the live one. 

Maybe Jongup was overthinking this.

It was the kind of comment, at any rate, that tended to earn him blank stares or indulgent laughter, but Himchan had brightened. 

"Exactly," he said warmly. "That's it exactly."

It had been Jongup's idea that they swap phones for awhile so Himchan could still be reached if they needed him. His boyfriend never asked if his parents had called, and so Jongup didn't tell him when he missed two calls from his father. 

The others had gone along with it without comment, though Jongup knew they were worried. Daehyun in particular had been deeply disturbed by the whole affair, maybe because, out of all of them, his relationship with his family most closely mirrored Himchan's. He had been especially sweet to Himchan these past weeks. 

Now, Jongup could sense the vocalist's discomfort as he tried to lighten the mood. 

"Right?" he prodded the others. "Fun?"

"Parties _are_ fun," Himchan agreed. Only someone who knew him very well could have heard the strain in his voice, so they all did. Jongup lifted his head to see Himchan's face, which was closed off. He saw Jongup looking and smiled at him. He was getting better at smiling when he didn't mean it. 

Jongup's movement had the effect of unspooling them from each other and they all sat up, pulling their own limbs back to where they belonged. Himchan pretended to clutch his back in pain and Youngjae and Junhong laughed. Jongup pushed himself to his feet and pulled Himchan and Junhong up with him. 

"Let's listen again," Himchan said.

**

They didn't talk about it until they were alone in their room that night. Himchan could feel it coming, could feel Jongup watching him. 

He decided to head things off at the pass. 

"You can have mine," he said as they were changing into their pajamas.

"What?"

"My tickets for the party, you can have mine. Invite your friends."

"Himchan..."

"I mean I'll see if Hana and Sanghun can make it, but you can have the rest."

He handed Jongup his glasses from the bedside table; the dancer had been squinting all evening and doing that scrunch face that meant he had a headache. Himchan didn't know why he didn't just wear his glasses whenever he wasn't dancing; it wasn't like they made him any less adorable. The opposite, really. 

Jongup slipped them on and blinked at him, and the headache face faded, only to be replaced by the worried-about-Himchan expression.

"You don't even want to ask them?" he said. 

Himchan shrugged and turned away, fluffing pillows and pulling back the blankets on their bed. He didn't have to ask who Jongup meant by _them_. He imagined inviting his mother to the release party. 

_Come celebrate our silly dreams!_

Something went hard and cold in him at the thought.

"Nah," he said carelessly. 

Jongup pressed against his back, slipping his arms around him. "I'll stay with you while you call," he offered. Himchan tried to hide how the idea filled him with horror. He didn't want Jongup around when he finally talked to his mother. The thought that she might turn her vitriol on the younger man was unbearable.

"Thanks," he said, loosening Jongup's grip enough so he could turn around in the circle of his arms and hug him back. "But I'm not ready yet."

Jongup just nodded. He slipped his glasses off so he could bury his face in the crook of Himchan's neck comfortably. Himchan smiled against his hair, let it tickle his cheek, smelled his shampoo. 

"So, should we take bets on who gets fall-down drunk at the party first?" he asked, trying to lighten the mood. Jongup blew a raspberry on his shoulder. 

"Can I pick you?"

Himchan hit him lightly and the dancer laughed.

"I meant Daehyun-hyung, obviously."

"I don't know, Junhongie's still a big lightweight."

Jongup pulled Himchan into bed and pressed his back firmly against his chest. For a moment, they lay like that, content. Then Jongup spoke up again, a trifle hesitantly.

"You should invite Mina."

Himchan blinked, then lifted his head to see the side of Jongup's face.

"Really?"

Jongup nodded, glancing over his shoulder at him. "She helped, and...and she's proud of you. She should be there."

Himchan lowered his head and tightened his hold on the younger man. Sometimes he couldn't comprehend how far they'd come. 

"That's a good idea," he said. "I'll ask."

**

It all went according to plan: the live countdown on V App was watched by almost a million fans; the MV views rose higher faster than any of their previous releases; the concert was lively and well-attended.

By the time the group was stumbling off the bus and past waving crowds of fans on their way into the release party, they were all riding the wave of adrenaline at its highest peak.  

They entered the club to general applause and cheers, but this was different from the cheering from fans. These were the _industry insiders_ Manager Kang had been talking about, more friends of the CEO than of the group, although supposedly their guests were around here somewhere. 

Before they could do more than follow Yongguk's lead into their usual greeting for the crowd, they were ushered off to the side for photos--with Secret and Sonamoo, then, more happily, with Untouchable. Sleepy slipped Himchan a shot, which he downed gratefully, hidden just long enough behind his taller friend before reemerging for the photos. Too soon, though, Sleepy was gone and the CEO was there and they were all smiling, smiling, smiling.

Himchan's cheeks hurt. 

They were age order, so he was between Yongguk and Daehyun, Jongup just far enough down the row that he couldn't check on him without being obvious about it. No doubt he appeared excited, happy; he was a professional after all. But Himchan knew how uncomfortable he must be in this particular crowd. They all were. 

But there was nothing he could do but smile--or do his intense smoldering expression--in whichever direction he was told to look. At least he could keep an eye on Bbang, who hated this kind of thing almost as much as Jongup. 

After photos there were speeches, the usual collection of people for the group to thank. They'd done it a thousand times so Himchan thought he could be forgiven for tuning things out just slightly.

Until, unexpectedly, he heard his own name. 

Yongguk was talking, and he'd been thanking the managers and composers he had worked with, and then--now--he was thanking Himchan by name. 

He met his eyes and he must have seen Himchan's surprise because the grin he gave him was the real deal in its full 1000-watt gummy glory. 

"Himchan composed two of the songs on the album," Yongguk continued. There was a whoop from the crowd, somewhere far off--not one of the suits, someone _real_. Hana? Himchan couldn't tell. But everyone laughed, including Yongguk. "And he played the janggu on several songs. I owe him a lot of thanks for helping me find my way to the sound for the album. His knowledge of Gugak and samulnori really inspired me--inspired all of us--" He motioned to the other members, who were all nodding. Himchan caught Jongup's eye for just a second but he had to look away very quickly because the pride in the younger man's face was making his throat go tight. 

In fact, the whole thing was threatening to undo him. He looked back at Yongguk. Everyone seemed to be waiting for him to say something. He didn't even have a _mic_. 

Still--just for Yongguk and the members--he stammered out his thanks, his voice betraying him. Daehyun put an arm around him and squeezed, and Yongguk just smiled. 

He had just enough time to compose himself before saying his own thanks. The thing was, there was a script. There was always a script. Yongguk had added him to his. Himchan wanted to do the same, to thank his best friend for giving him a chance to help. To thank Junhong for hearing something special when he was just playing around on the piano that night. To thank Mina and Sleepy, for pushing him back onto the path to music when he hadn't even realized he was lost.

He'd thank Jongup for every fucking _moment_ if he could.

He took the mic when Yongguk passed it to him. He looked out on the club full of suits, strangers mostly. He barely even saw any of the managers he knew.

He stuck to the script. 

After, finally, they were pulled off the stage and separated. Someone shoved a drink into his hand and he drank it gratefully, trying to nod his thanks at the congratulations being pressed on him from all sides. He lost his friends in the crowd.

The walls had been hung with enormous banners of the group, though, so if he turned _this_ way he could be reassured by Yongguk's glare, or _that_ way by Jongup's over-the-shoulder smirk. 

Shit, that smirk. 

His drink was never empty somehow, though he was never not drinking it. He had no idea how much he'd had.

The club did seem to be _swaying_ more than was probably normal. It occurred to him he hadn't had dinner.

Or lunch, for that matter.

The realization snapped him out of his stupor. Not only had he not eaten, but none of the others had either. _The maknaes_ hadn't eaten, and they were out there somewhere without their hyungs.

He excused himself from the random cluster of men who had cornered him--one of them did seem interested in actually talking about his composing, which would have been nice, but he knew he needed water. And to find the others. 

He elbowed his way through the room, smiled and nodded as congratulations and hearty claps on the back fell over him like rain. 

He was somewhere under the biggest banner ( _B.A.P 2nd Full Album Release)_ when someone grabbed him by the wrist and spun him around. 

" _There_ you are," Hana said. Or at least that's what he  thought; the music was too loud for him to actually hear his sister. But her lips formed the words, he thought. "Come on, upstairs--"

She cut a path like a freight engine through the crowd and Himchan followed gratefully.  The stairs she led him to seemed to to be a bit unsteady somehow, but they made it upstairs to a long, red-carpeted hallway that was quiet enough Himchan could hear himself think for the first time in hours. How long had the party been going on?

"It is _ridiculous_ down there," Hana said, pulling him down the hall and into a room before slamming the door behind them, muffling the noise further.  Himchan had time to make out dark wood paneling and low light before becoming distracted by the body lying in the middle of the room. 

"We've been looking all _over_ for you!" Daehyun bellowed, pointing a slightly wavering finger up at him. He was at a funny angle with his head in Youngjae's lap, peering at Himchan upside-down. 

Youngjae snorted. "As if you've done anything useful in the past hour," he said, his chiding tone belied by the careful way he held out a water bottle-- _water!_ \--for the other man to drink. Daehyun batted it away, scowling. "Don't be stubborn." Youngjae looked back up at Himchan and studied him for a beat before grabbing a second water bottle and holding it out. “You look like you need this.”

Himchan accepted it and crouched beside the two vocalists, drinking half the bottle down in one long pull.

“How are you still sober?” he asked.

“I’m smarter than the rest of you?” Youngjae ventured.

(Himchan had a comeback to this, a most excellent comeback, which he would deploy later, after more water and a meal and maybe a good night’s sleep as well. It could wait. Revenge was a dish best served...later.)

“Where’s everyone else?” he asked. He remembered his sister and smiled up at her. “You caaame,” he added. She gave him her pursed-lipped smile and brushed a sweaty strand of hair off his forehead.

"Of course I did," she said. "I had to make sure you were still alive once you stopped answering your phone." And she gave him what was probably a pointed look, but he was too touched to notice. 

"What a good noona," he said. 

(He'd had another question. What had it been?)

He looked back at Youngjae, who was shaking his head in a slightly-more-judgemental-than-a-dongsaeng-should-probably-be-of-his-hyung kind of way. 

"We're working on rounding everyone up," he said. 

Everyone. The others. Jongup. 

Himchan pushed himself to his feet and then wavered slightly. Okay, so he was definitely drunk, but he didn't think he was in danger of passing out. He finished his water quickly. 

"I'm gonna go--" he motioned to the door, but it opened before he could finish. Yongguk came in with an arm around Junhong, whose gait was definitely the worse for wear. They were followed by a woman Himchan didn't know. 

"HYUNG!" Junhong said delightedly. Himchan reached a hand behind his back and Youngjae put a water bottle in it. So he could maybe be forgiven for his whole being-sober thing. 

Somehow, seeing the clearly woozy maknae cleared Himchan's head a little. He accepted the dancer's very enthusiastic hug, making an _oh, god_ face at Yongguk over his shoulder. Yongguk gave him a _oops_ shrug back. Then, before the force of Junhong's hug could make him lose consciousness, Himchan was released. He handed over the water bottle. 

"Hello," he greeted the woman behind Yongguk. She had on a pair of thick black glasses that fell just short of stylish, and which kept slipping down her nose. She gave him a nervous smile.

"Hi," she said. "I'm Hyejin--I came with Mina?"

He had told Mina when he invited her that she should bring someone. He'd thought she might bring a date. Hell, for all he knew, she had. 

"Oh hi, great!" he said quickly. "I hope you're having a good time?" He tried to sound polite and solicitous when really he was itching to make for the door; they were all accounted for now except for Jongup. 

Hyejin was answering him, yes she was having a good time, the new album was so _good_ , he nodded his thanks and tried to look like he was listening. Then Hana was at his elbow. 

"Mina was just looking for Jongup to bring him up with the rest of us," she said casually. "We thought you all looked a little...um..."

"Like you were looking for the nearest exit," Hyejin supplied.

"Exactly."

"Thanks, noona," Yongguk offered. Hana squinted at him.

"Nice speech," she said. "And album, I mean congratulations!" she added to the room at large. From the floor, Daehyun and Junhong let out a ragged cheer.

The door opened again and Himchan was relieved to see Jongup come in behind Mina. 

His boyfriend had lost his blazer at some point and rolled up his sleeves and untucked his shirt, and his hair was all disheveled. He smiled when he saw Himchan and only the presence of other people in the room stopped him from grabbing him and kissing him right there because he looked perfect. He _was_ perfect.

"JONGUP-AH!" Daehyun bellowed. Youngjae rolled his eyes and clapped a hand over his mouth. 

"So _loud_ ," he scolded.

"Hi," Jongup said. He made as if to join Himchan but stopped short when he saw Hana. "Hi, noona," he said. 

"Hey," she said. "Nice choreo on the new MV."

"Thanks," he said. "You know that was really Himchan-hyung playing janggu on that track."

"I heard about that," Hana said. There was an approving note in her voice--of Himchan's playing or of Jongup's clear pride in him, Himchan couldn't be sure. Either way, it was the right tone; Jongup relaxed visibly. He looked at Himchan and smiled self-consciously.

"What?"

"What?" Himchan repeated, laughing.

"You're staring at me." 

"He's trying to guess how drunk you are," Youngjae said. He tossed a bottle of water at the dancer and Jongup caught it reflexively. "So, not as drunk as your hyungs, then," Youngjae surmised.

"I have a strong constitution," Jongup explained. Himchan squeezed his shoulder and went to greet Mina.

"Quite the party," she said, arching an eyebrow at him. "Do you even know any of the people down there?"

"I know the people in _here_ ," he said. "Crap, where's the rest of everyone's families?" The six tickets per member had been easily dispersed, yet he hadn't spotted anyone else's parents or siblings. 

"They're kind of all gathered in the back, we can go there but Hana thought you guys _might_ need a second to sober up first. Did you meet Hyejin?" she motioned her friend forward.

"Yes," they said in unison, smiling at each other. 

Behind them, Youngjae was pouring water into Daehyun's mouth while Junhong and Yongguk held him down. There was altogether a great deal of giggling and more water seemed to be getting on Youngjae's pants than into the desired location, but really, it wasn't like they didn't know how ticklish their lead vocalist was. Jongup and Hana were still talking about the MV; Himchan thought his sister was quizzing Jongup about the sets--they'd used a whopping 14 for the vid--and he was describing how hard it was to dance with the flares.

Himchan tried to bottle up this memory for later: Jongup and Hana having a perfectly normal conversation even after she knew what Jongup was to her brother, and with Jongup knowing she knew. 

Himchan had been annoyed to have a sister before, when he was younger. He'd been happy to have her before, a partner in crime when they weren't fighting. He'd been proud of her, of her career and skill, and envious of her calm and competence. But he couldn't remember ever feeling quite this level of gratitude for Hana before now. He wouldn't forget.

He tuned back in to his own conversation. Mina was telling him she'd gone to school with Hyejin.

"Oh, you're a musician too?" Himchan asked. 

"Not a very good one," Hyejin laughed. "I dropped out after two semesters. I only just caught up with Mina after weeks ago after _ages._ "

"Hyejin's writing for a new online column, trying to drum up more widespread interest in traditional music," Mina explained. 

"I'd love to write about B.A.P," Hyejin enthused. "I don't know of any other groups incorporating gugak so boldly in their work right now."

Himchan brightened. This was the kind of press Yongguk wouldn't balk at. B.A.P was always happy to be recognized for their music. 

"I'll give you my manager's contact information and we can set something up!" he said.

"Weren't we promised _food_?" Daehyun whined.

**

It took some doing, but they did manage to eat before anyone was sick. They even caught up with their families. Some of the suits had cleared out downstairs and the group knew more people; the dancer hyungs and their managers materialized and it began to feel like a party they wanted to attend rather than a function that required their presence. 

More drinks were passed around; Himchan was careful to sip his more slowly, and he saw Yongguk keeping a close watch on Junhong. 

At some point, someone turned up the music and a circle formed around Jongup and Junhong and some of the dancer hyungs in an impromptu dance-off. 

Yongguk sidled over to Himchan and slung an arm across his shoulders.

"Hey," Himchan said, pitching his voice loud to be heard over the music. "Thanks."

Yongguk gave him a questioning look.

"For what you said before," Himchan bellowed in his ear. "Thanks, that was...awfully nice of you."

He wasn't drunk anymore--tipsy, okay, but not drunk--and the music was at kind of an alarming decibel that was probably doing permanent damage to all their ears, and everything was crazy and crowded around him--and still he felt himself getting choked up again. _Honestly_. If Hana saw him she'd pinch him for being so emotional.

Yongguk pulled away to look at him, his face serious for a moment before softening. He clapped Himchan's shoulder again. 

"I meant it," he said. Himchan ducked his head. Together, they watched the dancing, until only two of the hyungs were left with the maknae line. Someone nudged Himchan's other side and he turned to find himself face-to-face with alternate reality Jongup, aka his hyung Jongwhan.

"You made it!" Himchan said delightedly. Jongup hadn't been sure his second eldest brother would be able to come. He'd be thrilled, if he ever got off the dance floor. 

The two shared a quick hug, then Jongwhan greeted Yongguk. Himchan cast a glance out at Jongup just in time to see him do a flip, his shirt lifting just enough to tease a glimpse of his muscled back. Surely that was why Himchan's heart was beating faster. He looked away quickly, lest Jongup's brother see anything in his gaze. 

They may have discussed telling Jongup's hyungs about their relationship, but they hadn't decided on _when_. Tonight was probably not the night.

He needn't have worried, anyway; Jongwhan and Yongguk were carrying on a shouted conversation and paying him no mind. He turned his attention back to the dance floor. The dancer hyungs gave up with a laugh, bowing to much applause from the crowd, and leaving only Jongup and Junhong in the middle of the circle. 

Himchan would never, ever get tired of watching them dance. Junhong's legs seemed to move independently from his upper body, while Jongup's every move was fluid and graceful all the way to the tips of his fingers. The way the two played off each other's moves was unpredictable but perfect; the result, Himchan knew, of thousands of hours of practice. 

Soon the other members were there, Daehyun's chin on his shoulder, Youngjae leaning against Yongguk, the four of them cheering their friends on. 

Jongup did some kind of complicated turn and his eyes met Himchan's. Fuck. Jongup knew what his dancing did to Himchan. He caught the younger man's slight smirk, then Jongup was shouting something at Junhong and the two of them were pulling the other four members onto the floor, ignoring their laughing protests. Jongup's hand was warm in Himchan's and his eyes were dark but also _bright_ and fuck if Himchan wouldn't follow him anywhere. 

At least his ridiculous dancing didn't stand out next to Yongguk and Youngjae and Daehyun's, and the crowd was cheering them all on, and then there was no circle anymore and _everyone_ was dancing and everyone was smiling and this, _this_ was what music was supposed to do. 

**

Their album played. There was more dancing, more laughter, more drinks. 

Then, somehow, Jongup and Himchan were upstairs in the hall, and Jongup had Himchan pressed against the wall and Himchan couldn't tell if the thumping was the bass from the music or Jongup's heartbeat or his own.

Jongup tasted sharply of the shots they'd been doing with _Manager Kang_ , of all people. Himchan had forgotten to be careful, but he thought the way his head was swimming now had more to do with the way Jongup was pushing against him, his firm grip on his hips, than with the alcohol in his system. 

They were both sweating; Jongup's hair was slick with it in Himchan's hands. Then they were stumbling over, then they were in the room and thank god for the simple lock on the door because that couch had their names printed all over it.

**

Jongup had been staring at the chocolate milk for a long time. 

Everything seemed to be taking longer than usual this morning. Afternoon. When he had stumbled into the elevator at the dorm, he had forgotten to push the button to go to the ground floor. The doors had eventually closed on their own, and then it took another minute for Jongup to notice that he wasn't going anywhere. 

And he was the only one strong enough to go to the convenience store. 

His basket already held bottles of seltzer for the hyungs, as well as a variety of snacks, ramen, and anything that could go into ramen. Like...chips. 

He was never drinking again.

He left the chocolate milk and paid for his food. He didn't want to leave Himchan and the others for too long. Daehyun had been moaning in the bathroom when he left. Youngjae was on the floor in the hallway, the closest he would get to lend moral support. Himchan hadn't been able to get out of bed yet, though Jongup had managed to get him to drink a full glass of water, so that was good. There had been no sign of Junhong or Yongguk.

The party had raged until almost 4am, when they were piled into the back of the van and taken home. Jongup could barely remember the trip. 

He downed half a bottle of seltzer and a bag of chips in the parking lot, and was cheered when they settled his stomach. He felt steadier walking back to the dorm.

There was someone sitting on the bench outside the entrance when he reached the building. He slowed when he saw who it was. The other man stood. 

"Hello," Mr. Kim said. 

Jongup recalled his manners and bowed. "Hello," he said. 

Himchan's father was neatly dressed, as always, his slacks sharply creased, his black coat open to reveal his pressed white shirt. He was _pristine_ , and Jongup was suddenly aware of how _he_ must look: he hadn't even combed his hair before leaving the dorm; he'd thrown on a hoodie with his sweatpants, he needed a shave. He was holding a very obvious supply of hangover cures. 

"I--I"m not sure if Himchan is--" ( _awake_ ) "home," he stammered. Mr. Kim just nodded.

"In that case, I wonder if I might speak with _you_?" he said. The way he asked it, Jongup could hear it was an actual question, not an order masked as a request. He nodded and set his plastic bags on the bench, doing his best to mask their contents. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to remember how normal people stood. Where did their...legs...go...

"Sit?" Mr. Kim invited. That was better. There were only so many ways a person could sit. Plus he was starting to feel a bit light-headed again. 

He sat beside the older man and held his knees in his palms, trying not to fidget. This was difficult, because he never knew he was doing it until he watched the tape later. It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to figure out that this was why Himchan kept an arm around him as often as he did; his touch had calmed his restless movements years before he could have explained why. 

He sat in silence with his boyfriend's father for a moment. It was surreal. He'd thought about this moment a dozen times, every time he'd gone with Himchan to his parents' house. Those afternoons watching superhero movies with Mr. Kim...But he had always expected Himchan would be here now. He was right upstairs, but he might have been lightyears away for all the good that did him.

"My son won't return my phone calls," Mr. Kim remarked. "I'm sure you've all been busy with the album release."

Jongup nodded. 

Mr. Kim reached into his coat and pulled out a familiar rectangle--the newest album. "We received this in the mail," he said. 

Jongup gave a noncommittal hum. 

"Himchan didn't send it," Mr. Kim said. "I think perhaps you did."

Jongup glanced at the album, then at Himchan's father. 

It occurred to him that this was an opportunity. He could let the older man see him as some hungover kid, tripping over his words. Or he could be the better version of himself. The version Himchan saw. The version he actually _was_ around this man's son.

Jongup lifted his chin a little. "He composed some of the songs," he said. "And he plays the janggu on some of them, and he helped Yongguk-hyung all along the way. I thought you should hear it." 

He hadn't asked Himchan before getting an album from Kang and sending it. He didn't know if his boyfriend would be angry. But he had thought of all the interviews when Himchan had pulled Jongup forward to speak or dance. He'd never let him fade into the background no matter how nervous he was. Jongup thought he'd have to be the worst kind of coward not to shine a light on Himchan now.

Mr. Kim studied him. "I hadn't realized he was writing music again. I'm glad to hear it," he said. Jongup met his gaze.

"Are you?" He thought of what Himchan had told him, that his mother thought he'd been wasting his time with music. 

The other man tilted his head slightly. "I am," he confirmed. "You realize...I'm not here to speak for Himchan's mother. I can't do that."

Jongup nodded. "And I can't speak for Himchan."

Mr. Kim nodded again. He had Himchan's eyes, Jongup saw now. He'd never noticed they looked alike.

"Even so," he began, then stopped, looked down at his hands, so Jongup looked at them too. He was more stubby-fingered than Himchan, who had such elegant hands. 

The older man spoke again, a trifle abruptly. "We used to go to the sea in the summers when Himchan and Hana were young. We rented a house right by the water. The children could have swam all day and been perfectly happy, but not Eunji." He smiled at Jongup, but his eyes were distant with memory. 

"My wife has always been a planner, you see. She could never relax unless she thought she was making the most of each moment. It was the same every year, the kids wanting to sleep in, to swim, to--read magazines on the beach, I don't know. And Eunji getting them up early and out to see some sight or take some hike all morning before we could do any relaxing."

This story was familiar, though Jongup couldn't remember Himchan ever actually telling it. Sometimes he wondered if they had all picked up pieces of each other's histories through osmosis, simply by being so close.

He wasn't sure where this story was going, so he waited. Thankfully, Mr. Kim didn't seem to be expecting an answer. 

"She's still a planner. This year...the accident...it took so much from her. She won't live the rest of her life the way she meant to. All the trips we were going to take, the things we were going to do...She can still manage some, of course, but...well. And she doesn't complain, you know. She's just started making new plans. I think many of them are for more for Hana and Himchan than for herself now. Marriage and children, our grandchildren...I think when Himchan told her about his relationship with you, she saw it as just one more future she wouldn't get to see." He looked at Jongup until Jongup met his gaze, and smiled at him. "She forgot that change doesn't always mean loss."

Jongup was fidgeting, dammit. He looked at his feet, trying to process. "That's not an excuse," he said finally.

"No." Mr. Kim's voice was grave. "It isn't." He sighed. "I thought if I gave them time, they would work it out between the two of them. But I suppose I'm getting impatient in my old age, and...I miss my son." He put a gentle hand on Jongup's shoulder. "I came here to tell you that when you boys finish up promotions, you should come to dinner. Both of you. I'll cook." He stood up. Jongup looked up at him dazedly, finally managed a nod. 

"And if you would, please tell my son..." Mr. Kim looked off across the parking lot in apparent need of inspiration. Jongup could see his throat working. "Tell him I'm very much looking forward to listening to the new album," he said finally. 

Jongup found his voice somehow. "I will," he promised. Mr. Kim smiled at him again and began to walk away. 

"Oh, and Jongup-ah?" he called over his shoulder. "Bring me more movie suggestions when you come. I'm all out of Spidermans."


	22. Chapter 22

**Week 50**

*

There was something strange on the floor next to the washing machine. Youngjae regarded it from the doorway for a minute before venturing inside and placing his armful of clothes on top of the dryer. Then he poked the thing experimentally with one foot. 

It twitched. 

" _You're_ not laundry," he observed. 

Himchan uncurled enough to scowl at him. 

"Can't get anything past you."

"What are you doing on the floor?" Youngjae squinted. "And--not to pry or anything, but--are you naked?"

His hyung was wrapped up in what Youngjae recognized as Jongup's comforter, but Himchan's chest seemed to be bare beneath it. The elder shifted irritably, tugging the blanket tighter around himself. 

"Only technically," he said.

"Ah. Excellent." Youngjae nodded a few times, then bit his lip. His hyung really did look pitiful like this, like some sort of...street urchin, or something. He knelt down and pet his hair a few times. "Do you want me to find Jongup?" He adopted the slow cheerful tone he used when he encountered his cousin's overly friendly dog. Or when he found himself unwittingly between Daehyun and his next meal. 

Himchan ducked away from his hand, giving him a baleful glare. 

"It's Jongup's fault I'm here," he said. Whined. 

Youngjae brightened. This story _had_ to be more entertaining than doing the pile of laundry he'd accumulated over the past several weeks of promotions. He sat on the floor, crossed his legs. 

"Explain."

Himchan narrowed his eyes, suspicious. "You'll only laugh at me."

"All life's a risk, hyung."

Himchan sighed and rearranged himself again. He must have pulled his knees up to his chest, though he was just one big blanketed blob as far as Youngjae was concerned. Except his toes sticking out the bottom. It was actually kind of cute, not that Youngjae would in a million years have told him so. He'd leave that kind of comment to Jongup.

"We're supposed to go to dinner at my parents'," Himchan mumbled. 

The smirk Youngjae had waiting in the wings slunk off backstage; its services would not be needed. 

"When?" he asked. 

"Tonight."

Youngjae let out a whistling breath. It was the group's first free night since the album had dropped; they had been doing nonstop promotions with short trips to Japan and China interspersed throughout. It had been fun; they had always wanted to spend more time with their Chinese fans, and Japan was comfortingly familiar by now. Plus, Youngjae thought this album was the most _them_ of any they'd ever put out. He could hear each member in almost every song, and not just in the vocals. 

So that had all been good. But there hadn't been much time for rest or, like, contemplation. Certainly not for emotionally-charged meals with estranged family. 

"Have you talked to her at all?" he asked. He didn't need to specify which "her" he meant. Himchan squinted at him, perhaps suspicious of the rare note of sincerity in his dongsaeng's voice.

"No," he said. "I didn't talk to either of them. Jongup did."

This was still so strange for Youngjae to imagine. He knew about Mr. Kim basically ambushing the dancer in the parking lot, of course, but if he and Himchan were having dinner with his parents now, Jongup must have spoken to him again. And, like, made a plan. 

"That guy really loves you," he remarked. Himchan's cheeks turned a little pink. 

"I don't want to go," he said. 

"Too bad." This came not from Youngjae, but rather Jongup, who appeared in the doorway in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, coffee mug in hand. "Get dressed."

" _You're_ not dressed," Himchan pointed out. 

"You have the other thing first," Jongup reminded him.

"What other thing?" Youngjae cut in.

"Interview," Himchan said grumpily. "Mina's friend who came to the release party?"

Youngjae had a vague memory of...glasses.

(He may have been drunker than he'd let on at that party, but he'd take that secret to his final day--when he'd throw it in Daehyun's face and laugh maniacally all the way to the grave.)

Himchan went on. "She wants to do a piece about how we incorporated the traditional stuff into the album, and since I know the most about it, Kang thought just I should do it." His voice got quieter as he finished. Youngjae blinked at him delightedly, then glanced at Jongup, who was watching the older man with a small, fond smile. 

"Hyung, are you _embarrassed?_ " Youngjae wanted to know. 

"No."

"Just because there's going to be an article _all about youuu--_ " he made to tickle Himchan but the blanket was in the way and Youngjae didn't actually want it to _not_ be there, so. 

"Yahh, don't you have laundry to do?" Himchan snapped. But Youngjae caught him looking at Jongup shyly and knew he was right. He felt a surge of affection for his hyung. After everything he'd been through lately and with how hard he'd been working, he deserved some recognition.

Obviously Youngjae would rather die than say so, but he was sure he got points for his depth of feeling. He'd release it all in song at the next concert and melt everyone's faces off with his love.

"Landry can wait. _I_ don't have anywhere else to be tonight," he told Himchan smugly. Himchan glowered at him. 

Jongup came over and handed Himchan the coffee mug. Himchan blinked up at him and somehow managed to get a bare arm out of the blanket without the whole thing tumbling down and scarring Youngjae for life.

"Thank you," Himchan murmured, all starry-eyed and rainbow-whatevered, ugh, just beaming that Himchan-looking-at-Jongup beam that was so pure it was just _gross._ Just looking at them made Youngjae's heart feel all _soft_ and ugh. Where was Daehyun when he needed him?

Himchan took a sip from the mug, never taking his adoring gaze off Jongup, then promptly groaned and spit out the liquid. 

"What _is_ this?" he demanded, wiping his mouth off with the back of his wrist. 

"Water?" Jongup said. Youngjae tried not to laugh at the horrified look on Himchan's face. He tried very hard but failed and laughed loudly anyway. Ah, well.

"In a _coffee mug_?" Himchan hissed. 

"You _monster,"_ Youngjae put in helpfully. 

"Sorry," Jongup said, but he was laughing almost as hard as Youngjae so it was possible Himchan didn't take this seriously. 

"You owe me a coffee," he said, handing the mug back to the dancer. 

"Oh no, are you mad now?" Jongup said, but he was still smiling and there was something under his words as he spoke, and--

"Come on, no flirting in front of me!" Youngjae complained. 

"We're not _flirting,_ I'm very annoyed," Himchan said, but he didn't look away from Jongup when he said it and if he hadn't been flirting a second ago he certainly was now. Youngjae rolled his eyes and pushed himself to his feet. 

"You two can put my laundry in the machine if you're going to take over the room with your weird foreplay," he said. Himchan made a disgruntled noise. 

"I _told_ you--"

"You didn't tell me why you're naked on the floor," Youngjae realized, turning back at the door. Himchan was pouting and wouldn't meet either of their eyes.

"That's actually a good question. I thought you were getting dressed?" Jongup said, running a hand lightly through the older man's hair. 

"My stuff's all wet and the dryer's broken," Himchan muttered. Jongup narrowed his eyes at him, then reached over him to press a button on said dryer. The machine whirred to life. 

"It's a miracle!" Youngjae cheered. 

"It helps if you turn it on," Jongup said. Himchan smiled up at him, wide and insincere. 

"Oops."

(Ha. Himchan was so annoying. Youngjae swelled a bit with pride; he had taught his hyung everything he knew, and it nearly brought tears to his eyes to watch him go forth into the world and put his lessons to good use.)

Jongup just sighed and hoisted his boyfriend to his feet. Somehow he got a hold of the blanket and pulled it out of reach. Youngjae and Himchan let out twin yelps of indignation, Youngjae covering his eyes and Himchan, presumably, covering something else. 

"If only there were clothes somewhere else in the dorm," Jongup mused regretfully. Youngjae could make out sounds of a struggle. 

"Give it baaack," Himchan whined. 

"Get dreeeeessed," Jongup replied.

(Daehyun had gone out with friends, Youngjae suddenly remembered. _That_ was why he'd been left alone in his current plight.)

"Junhongie!" he shouted, unwilling to uncover his face, lest he see something he'd (admittedly seen already a dozen times but always by accident and anyway _still_ ) rather not. " _Help!_ " He was relatively sure the maknae was still in his room.

"How are _you_ the one who needs help in this scenario?" Himchan asked. 

"What's wrong, hy-uhhhhh." It was Junhong, his voice dropping from polite inquiry to dismay. 

"Junhong-ah, why don't you get Youngjae-hyung back to his room?" Jongup suggested.

"Okay, _yes_ , okay," Junhong said eagerly, and Youngjae felt a hand around his wrist before he was pulled to safety, like a tugboat being pulled by a...much-taller boat. 

"It's safe now, hyung." Junhong peeled Youngjae's hand off his eyes and he looked around his room. Ah, safe haven! He was never leaving it again.

"I owe you my life," he said, clutching the maknae's t-shirt. "How can I ever repay you?!"

Junhong rolled his eyes and uncurled his fingers, shaking the wrinkles out of his t-shirt. 

"Get a grip," he said.

**

"One of these." Jongup held up two shirts. Himchan was on their bed; Jongup had relinquished his hold on the blanket and his boyfriend was wrapped in it again. Much as Jongup loved a naked Himchan, this one was almost too adorable for words. 

But more importantly, under his over-the-top complaining, Jongup could see he was honestly nervous; maybe more nervous than he had ever seen him. 

Himchan shrugged now and motioned to the blue shirt. Jongup hung the gray one on the back of the door and lay the blue on the unused bed. "It'll look good with your gray jeans," he said. Himchan just nodded. Jongup bit his lip. When he had told his boyfriend about the conversation with his father, he'd seen the longing in his eyes. However angry Himchan might be, he missed his family. He _needed_ his family. And he had seemed grateful, even relieved, when Jongup took over arrangements for tonight's dinner. He'd never expected to wind up texting Mr. Kim so much, but he sensed they both found it a more comfortable means of communication than talking. He'd conveyed each conversation to Himchan and thought his boyfriend was warming up to the idea.

Now, though...

"Hey," he said, perching on the bed next to him. "Did I--is this too much? Would you rather not go?" 

Maybe it made him a coward, but he wouldn't push Himchan into something he truly wasn't ready for, even if Jongup thought he needed it. How much was _too_ much?

Himchan sighed and rested his chin on his knees, looking at Jongup sideways. When he spoke, his voice was almost too low to be heard.

"If she says anything to you, I'm never speaking to her again."

Oh. _Oh_. Jongup felt like an idiot. Here he'd been thinking Himchan was worried for how his mother might treat him, but all along he'd been worried about Jongup. He leaned into the older man, kissed his shoulder. 

"I don't think your dad would have invited us if that might happen," he said. He thought this was true. He _hoped_ this was true. His imagination was failing to supply him the materials he needed to picture Mrs. Kim as anything other than what she'd always been to him: kind and generous. 

But she had also put an expression on her son's face that Jongup had never seen there before. It wouldn't be fair to dismiss his worries. 

"I guess not."

"If the worst thing that happens is your mom doesn't like me, we can deal with that. I could handle it, you know?" Even as he said it, Jongup wondered if it were true. It was Himchan's _mother_. He kind of had to love her just for, like, making his favorite person exist. If she couldn't stand him now, well. That would hurt. 

"Like you have any experience with someone not liking you," Himchan said, elbowing him. He smiled a little, but it faded fast. "If she does say anything stupid--you know it's about _me,_ right? It's not you."

Jongup sighed. He wished he could scrub Himchan's mind clean of all this shit. "Don't worry about me," he said. "Besides, she should be proud--there's gonna be a whole article about you!" 

"Aishhh, don't remind me!" Himchan said, but he was definitely hiding a smile now. Jongup tickled his sides until he was laughing. 

"It's gonna be great," he said when he let up. He smiled down at Himchan. (Somehow their tickle fights always ended with one of them on top of the other. Mystery.) "You'll do the interview and meet me at your parents' house. If it's in any way terrible, we'll leave." 

Himchan would be taking the subway to meet Hyejin for the interview, and was grabbing a taxi to the house from there. Jongup would drive Himchan's car and they would go home together. A getaway would be easy. If they happened to drink a bit too much with dinner, Jongup knew a nice playground they could sober up in. 

"You sure you don't mind driving?"

"I like driving." He did. Himchan and Daehyun had taken turns teaching him. They were both terrible teachers, honestly, each too high-strung for the job. But they had both rewarded him with food after a session, and Himchan had even paid his way. Plus, he laughed a lot with both of them. Now, driving on his own, it was...calmer. 

He glanced at the clock and climbed off Himchan reluctantly. 

"Get dressed," he said for the millionth time. This time, it worked.

**

They met at a coffee shop Himchan remembered from when he was younger. 

"I used to get this horrible chocolate and coffee abomination," he recalled with a laugh, pulling out a chair for Hyejin. She cocked her head at him.

"You mean a mocha?"

"I mean an abomination," he corrected, settling in his own seat. "Coffee and sugar don't mix."

"Oh, so you're one of _those_ people," the reporter snorted, setting a pen and pad of paper (so _quaint!_ ) on the table beside her phone. 

"One of what people?"

"Snobs."

"Oh. Yes," Himchan agreed. 

This wasn't so bad. His nerves over the dinner were pushed to the back of his mind as he played his public persona, joking easily with Hyejin as she launched into her questions. It was rare to give an interview with no managers present, with no script to read from, but Himchan had convinced Kang it wasn't necessary in this case. He'd checked out the website Hyejin wrote for; it was an understated thing with a small but dedicated following. The people who ran it were all about the music, not site views, which Himchan could respect. Besides, he figured a friend of Mina's was practically a friend of his by extension. 

In any case, he liked just going with it, script-free. At least he could be sure Hyejin wouldn't ask which of his teammates he'd rather date. 

"I think I've got everything I need for the piece!" Hyejin said, sitting back in her seat. "I hope more people will check out your stuff; it's really great. You may get as many as four new fans from this piece!"

Himchan snorted and she blushed. "Sorry, just--our readership isn't the highest," she said. Himchan waved away the apology. 

"It's a good site, I've seen it."

For some reason this made Hyejin frown slightly.

"It was amazing going to your release party," she said abruptly. "Kind of overwhelming, too."

"It was that," Himchan agreed. Hyejin bit her lip. 

"You know," she said. Stopped. Started again. "I'm not always so good with crowds? I hung in there as long as I could, but finally I had to get out of there. I'd left my jacket in that room upstairs and you won't believe what I saw when I went back for it."

There was something new in her voice now, somehow both steely and apologetic. Himchan's stomach dropped. He flashed back on a kiss in a hallway. And...more. But they'd locked that door, he was sure of it--she must be talking about something else.

"What was it?" he asked, feeling his smile go unnatural on his face.

Hyejin shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable. "Two of B.A.P in an--ah-- _compromising_ position."

Himchan's stomach seemed to splatter against the ground. Ouch. 

"I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"I thought you might say that." 

To his ever-deepening horror, she picked up her phone and tapped away a few times before turning the screen for him to see--a picture of, unmistakably, him and Jongup, in what was indeed a _very_ compromising position. She must have captured it just before they moved into the privacy of the room.  

He'd heard the saying "he saw his life pass before his eyes" a million times, but that wasn't what happened now. Instead, he saw Jongup's. Saw him as the fluffy-haired teen he'd been back when they first met, when his shy smile and soft voice had brought out something fierce and protective in Himchan, who vowed to take him under his wing.

He saw the first time he'd seen Jongup dance, _really_ dance his own style, for fun, the first time he'd realized the huge talent the boy had. 

Saw him in the stylist's chair, grimacing at the bleach in his hair, and the way he still managed to laugh at the stupid jokes Himchan told to distract him from the pain. 

Countless practice sessions, shows and concerts. Jongup's solo stages, so _good_ Himchan's heart wanted to beat right out of his chest every time he watched them. 

_He's just starting_.

It couldn't end like this. 

He met Hyejin's eyes. "What do you want?" he said. 

She pushed her glasses up. He didn't miss the way her hand was shaking. "To give you a chance to tell your story. In your own words. What it's like to be a closeted idol. You know you can't be the only couple in hiding. Your story can help so many people!" she said. 

Himchan narrowed his eyes at her. His shock was fading, anger surging up in its place.

"So this is you being _noble_ ," he said scornfully. "What, you think you're being heroic or something? Bringing truth to the masses?"

She stiffened. 

"Does Mina know why you really asked to meet me?" Himchan continued. He thought he knew the answer. No matter their history, no matter how much she might still resent him, he couldn't imagine in a million years she would ever consent to helping set him up. Hyejin's sheepish look gave him all the answer he needed. He shook his head and made to stand. The reporter held out a hand. Her words tumbled over each other.

"I didn't know what I was going to see in that club. This wasn't some sinister plan, I just--please," she said, surprising him. "I'm not a bad person."

"I'm gonna need you to show your work on that one."

"Do you know how hard it is to make it as a reporter in this city? I wasn't kidding, like six people'll read this article about your music. I work my ass off and I still have to wait tables on the side and I'm _still_ about to be kicked out of my apartment."

"And here's a story that might actually get you noticed. I bet you couldn't believe your luck when you stumbled on us in that club," Himchan said coolly. Anyone could have a hard-luck story. Good people didn't use theirs as an excuse to exploit others. 

Hyejin flushed. "Look. This can go one of two ways," she said. "Either you work with me to tell your story in your own words and we make it about something bigger than you and Moon Jongup, about how repressive the music industry and our culture in general can be. Or I can sell these pictures and this story to the highest bidder and let them spin it however they want. Up to you."

The walls were closing in on him. He couldn't see a way out. 

"Take 24 hours," Hyejin said, gathering her things and sliding a card across the table to Himchan. "I write at the cafe down the street every afternoon before working the dinner shift. Give me your answer tomorrow. If I don't hear from you, I'm selling the story and you can see it on the internet."

He tried to think of something properly scathing to say, something to shrink her down to size and remind her how unimportant she was, how untouchable _he_ was.

But all he could do was watch her, and his future, walk out the door.

**

Jongup circled the block a few times. He was early, and now that dinner with the Kims was almost upon him, he felt sick with nerves. No way he was going in without Himchan. 

His boyfriend wasn't answering his texts. He must still be on the subway, probably losing his mind along with cell reception. Jongup smiled a little at the thought. He turned again, hoping there were no diligent neighbors calling the police on the suspiciously-circling black car right now--and there, sitting on the curb up ahead, was Himchan. 

Jongup checked his mirror for other cars, then, seeing the street was clear, rolled to a stop across from him. 

Himchan was staring at the ground vacantly, and Jongup saw he looked paler than usual. Clearly his pep talk from earlier had faded. He put the car in park and jogged across the road to join him.

He put a hand lightly on his shoulder and Himchan jumped.

"Jongup-ah?"

"What are you doing?" Jongup asked. It took Himchan a minute to answer. 

"Nothing, just--nothing. I was waiting for you."

Jongup looked around them. They were a few blocks over from the Kims' house. "Lucky for you I was circling around, then?" he said. Himchan just nodded. 

Jongup had seen Himchan when he was nervous. The day of their comeback showcase after the hiatus, he'd been more nervous than ever before. He kept grabbing Jongup's hand and pressing it against his chest.

"Feel how fast it's beating!" he'd laughed. 

Nervous Himchan laughed a little too loud, was even touchier than usual. He made fun of himself, and yes, Jongup remembered exactly how fast his heart would beat.

This wasn't that. Himchan looked ashen, distant. He barely seemed aware Jongup was there, which was possibly unprecedented. Jongup's presence could usually snap him out of whatever internal thing he had going on. Jongup put a hand on his back. God, he could feel the tension in his muscles; Himchan felt ready to _snap_.

"Himchannie?" he said. It seemed to take forever for Himchan to look at him. "What's wrong?" Jongup asked softly. "You know we don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can just leave."

Anything to get that strange look out of the other man's eyes. 

But after another pause, Himchan shook his head slowly. "No, it's fine. Sorry, I just got nervous for a second." He smiled--not the real one, but he seemed to be back in his body again, so that was something. 

He pushed himself to his feet and held a hand out to Jongup. 

"You sure?" Jongup said as he was pulled up. Himchan nodded. 

"Yeah. Let's...get this over with, I guess."

The drive to the house was over quickly. Jongup felt a little shaky as they walked to the door. He tried to remember the last time he'd been here. Watching _Spiderman_ with Mr. Kim. Maybe this would take them back to that. 

Or maybe he'd never be here again.

They rang the bell. 

"Hey," Himchan said, touching Jongup's arm lightly. He'd gone for a button-down tonight, not his usual look, but he wanted to make a good millionth impression. Stupid, really. "You look great. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything."

Jongup relaxed a bit. Himchan sounded almost like himself again. Before he could reply, though, the door opened. 

"Since when do you knock at this house?" Himchan's mother asked. She didn't give them a chance to answer. She rolled herself expertly away from the door. "In, in," she said, motioning. They exchanged a glance and went in. 

Mr. Kim was obviously cooking, as promised; the air was redolent of meat and spices. Jongup's mouth started watering. He'd skipped lunch, too nervous to eat. 

"Leave your coats and come to the kitchen," Mrs. Kim said, rolling on ahead of them. 

"This isn't weird at all," Himchan murmured, shrugging out of his jacket and taking Jongup's from him, hanging both in the front closet. Then they proceeded to the kitchen. 

Mr. Kim was indeed cooking. He'd rolled up his shirt sleeves and had on a neat black apron. The steam from the stove had a sheen of sweat on his forehead, and for a second, Jongup wondered if he was looking at 30-years-in-the-future-Himchan. That'd be okay. 

"Boys!" Mr. Kim greeted them. He put down his stirring spoon and came around the kitchen's center island. He shook Jongup's hand quickly, but his eyes were raking over his son. He frowned slightly at what he saw. 

"Himchan-ah," he said. Stopped. Jongup waited, glancing at Himchan's face. He looked wary. His father cleared his throat. Clapped his son on the shoulder, frowned again when he felt the tightness there. "I can't stop listening to your new album," he said. 

Himchan relaxed a little. "No?"

"He's not exaggerating," his mother said from across the kitchen. "It's been on a loop for weeks now. Thank God it's so _good_." And she smiled. Her eyes met Jongup's. He wasn't sure he was imagining the apology in hers. "Wine," she said decisively. "You'll both drink white?"

Apparently they weren't going to talk about it. 

Himchan's mother passed out generous glasses of wine and Himchan's father went back to cooking and they pressed the boys for details on the album. When Jongup told them proudly about the article about Himchan, his boyfriend blanched. 

"I'm just--bathroom," Himchan stammered, and beat a fast retreat. 

"So humble," his mother said, rolling her eyes. But Jongup frowned after him, wondering at the reaction.

There was no chance to ask about it, though. The evening proceeded with more wine, with Mr. Kim's excellent cooking. Himchan's parents both seemed to be trying to put the couple at ease, but Himchan's discomfort felt like a separate entity in the room, Jongup was so aware of it. 

It was strange; normally Himchan was only too happy to let bygones be bygones; he never held a grudge, always let go of hurt feelings. But he maintained his distance all throughout the meal, managing only the merest ghost of a smile when anyone tried to make a joke, even Jongup. 

The closest Jongup had ever seen him to this was during his fight with Yongguk, but that had been both of them freezing the other out, and his parents were actually _tryin_ g. 

It was a relief when they finished eating. Jongup kicked Himchan under the table as he rose to clear the dishes, waving off their hosts' protests. Himchan helped mechanically. In the kitchen, Jongup tugged his elbow.

"What's wrong?" he whispered. Himchan shook his head. "Seriously, hyung, what?"

"I--" Himchan broke off and swallowed hard. "Sorry, Jonguppie, I--guess I'm just having a hard time pretending nothing happened, you know?"

Jongup glanced over his shoulder at the dining room in case Mr. Kim decided to see what was taking them so long. When he looked back at Himchan, he caught a glimpse of something foreign in his expression, before he smoothed it blank.

He squeezed his hand. "Hey," he said. "It's--should we say something? Do you want to--?"

"Nah." Himchan squeezed his hand back hard. "It's okay. I should've known, anyway. She's on her best behavior with you here; that's how it should be. It could have been worse. Let's just get this over with so we can get out of here."

Jongup frowned. He hadn't thought the point of dinner was to _get it over with_ ; he'd thought it was to _fix_ things. Himchan had always enjoyed being around his family.

But he couldn't very well say so, because now he did hear Mr. Kim's footsteps behind them, and his too-hearty voice.

"Anyone for dessert?"

*

He almost couldn't keep dinner down. Himchan's stomach was churning almost as much as his mind. He didn't even have it in him to feel guilty at the hurt look on his father's face when he made excuses to leave early. 

Not that he'd been lying in the kitchen; it hadn't escaped his notice that his mother was pretending everything was fine. If the end of the world hadn't been rushing at Himchan headlong, he would have called her out on it. He thought he noticed her tensing up the few times he addressed her directly. She must have been expecting a fight.

Hell, she might have been hoping for one. It had gotten them through his teenage years when every conversation had turned combative. The first fight always burned away at them, but the second fight cleared the air every time. He thought his mother looked a little bereft as he and Jongup donned their coats and left. 

"Are you okay?" Jongup asked in the car. 

"I think I had too much wine," Himchan lied.

Guilt and terror warred within him as they drove back, as he pretended to fall asleep. He'd never pretended to sleep for Jongup before, not even that awful night with the pills. 

He found himself chanting _Help, help, help_ in his mind, but he didn't know who he was asking.

He was wide awake as Jongup bustled quietly around getting himself ready for bed and then crawled in beside him, slinging an arm across his chest. His breath was warm on his cheek. He held himself still, forcing himself not to nestle into the comfort of the smaller man. If Jongup knew he was awake, he'd be worried, he'd want to talk. Himchan couldn't bring himself to lie again, but nor could he confess what had happened.

What _was_ happening. 

What _would_ happen.

_Help. Help. Help._

He thought about going to Yongguk. Yongguk always knew what to do. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, to admit what his own carelessness had wrought. It was his mess to clear up. Somehow. 

When he was sure Jongup was asleep, he let his own eyes drift open to study him. Every bit of him was perfect, from the mole on his nose to the faint acne scars along his jaw, to the unique mind and beautiful heart hiding just under the surface.

There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to protect him. 

The realization melted away the terror. The solution had been there all along, really. He just needed the guts to do it.

He slept, eventually, a thin slumber peppered with vague dreams and voices he couldn't recall upon waking. He slipped from bed as the sun was coming up and before Jongup could stir. He dressed soundlessly and left a quick note. 

Daehyun, always an early riser, was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and his phone.

"What are you doing up at this hour?" he demanded. Himchan shrugged, tried not to look too longingly at the coffee.

"Thought I'd get in a workout before I really woke up," he joked. Daehyun made a face and reached for his sleeve. 

"Nooo, have breakfast with me," he wheedled. "No one's ever up this early except me, and we don't have a million schedules for once, come on."

It was tempting. But then, _anything_ would be tempting today. Himchan pinched his friend's cheek. "Next time," he promised. "Aishh, don't _pout_ , it's unbecoming."

Daehyun batted his eyelashes at him. "I'm very becoming," he corrected. "Twitter says so."

Himchan didn't even try to argue with this, just forced a laugh and got out of the dorm before Jongup could wake up or, just as bad, Yongguk. 

The studio took longer than he'd hoped, and he had to dodge texts from Jongup and his friends, but finally he was at the coffee shop Hyejin had mentioned. She was installed at a corner table with a laptop. Himchan slid into the seat across from her. She looked up, startled. 

"You're early," she said. 

"I didn't need 24 hours."

She sat up straighter. "You'll work with me?" she asked. 

"I'll make a deal with you," he corrected. He had put a mask, cap and glasses on, as though that would hide him. "I'll give you a story. It'll make your career. But I want it in writing that you'll never publish anything about Moon Jongup unless it's about what an amazing performer he is."

She cocked her head to the side. "See, it's not nearly as good a story if I only publish one half of the couple," she said. 

"You're not writing about that." Himchan was calm now. Taking action--the _right_ action--had that effect.

"Oh no? And why is that?"

"Like you said, you're a good person. You're not about to damage a young man's career by outing him without his consent. You're going to write about something more important."

She sat back in her seat and folded her arms. "Enlighten me."

He reached into his coat and took out an orange prescription bottle, setting it on the table between them. 

It had taken some doing to get it; Junho had clearly told his dealer about his conversation with Himchan. He hadn't wanted to give him more pills. But in the end, money was money, and he'd gotten what he wanted.

Hyejin frowned and picked up the bottle. 

"What's this?"

"The favorite under-the-counter diet drug for trainees and idols everywhere!" He used his best TV announcer voice, did jazz hands. Why the hell not. It got her attention, though she tried not to look too interested. 

"What is it exactly?"

He shrugged. "Phentermine, or something close. I'm not a doctor. I just know what it does." She gave him a _go on_ gesture and he elaborated. "Aside from acting as an appetite suppressant, it's got fun side effects like psychosis and heart failure." 

She narrowed her eyes. "And it has widespread use in the industry?"

"I can name a few companies for sure that are looking the other way and hoping no one has an inconvenient heart attack."

"And have you ever taken it?"

Himchan took a deep breath _._ Yongguk's face flashed in his mind. He'd be furious. 

He thought of Jongup and his resolve hardened.

"Yes."

**

Himchan was late to practice, but on their first light day in weeks no one much minded. Jongup sidled over to him. 

"Where've you been?" he asked in a low voice, searching his face. 

"Sorry, I just needed some time to think," Himchan told him. "I worked out my issues in the gym and on the janggu." He smiled and Jongup smiled back a bit uncertainly. He had checked the practice room for Himchan earlier and his janggu had been propped up in the corner. He must have just missed him. 

Himchan seemed fine in practice, but Jongup couldn't shake the sense that something was wrong. Over the next three days, the older man seemed to have no appetite, yet there was something hungry in how he watched Jongup and the other members, as if he couldn't bear to let them out of his sight. When he climbed into bed each night, he held Jongup so tightly he had to remind him he needed to breathe. 

It was a Tuesday and they were in the practice studio when Kang came in, looking uncharacteristically serious.

"Himchan-ah," he said, beckoning. Something in the set of Himchan's shoulders bespoke relief. He didn't look at the others as he followed their manager out. 

Yongguk clearly didn't know what was going on. He continued to lead practice with a small frown on his face. He looked at the door often. Twenty minutes later, Kang was back, and led him out. 

"What's going on?" Daehyun asked. The four remaining members clustered in the middle of the studio. There seemed no point in continuing practice with the hyungs gone. 

Jongup just shook his head mutely in response to Daehyun's question. Suddenly his heart seemed to be beating extra quickly. Something was about to happen. 

Yongguk returned alone an hour later, and Jongup's first thought was that someone had died. He'd never seen their leader so pale.

"Jesus, hyung," Youngjae said, getting one look at him and grasping him by the elbow. Daehyun dragged a chair over and Junhong brought him a bottle of water that he proceeded to spill half of when he got the cap off. 

"What happened?" Jongup asked. "Where's Himchannie?"

Yongguk looked up at him uncomprehendingly. When he spoke, his words were halting, even slower than usual. "Kang took him back to the dorm. He's...packing."

"Packing? Why?" Jongup demanded. 

"He just got kicked out of the group."


	23. Chapter 23

It was with great regret that TS Entertainment was nullifying Kim Himchan's contract. Their hands were tied as he had clearly violated the terms of their agreement, namely the section stating that all comments regarding the company for purposes of publication were to be cleared by management first. The termination of Himchan's contract in no way suggested an admission of liability on the part of the company. 

The five remaining members of B.A.P should consider the matter closed, as Himchan was adamant that he had acted alone, in full knowledge of the possible consequences, and had at no point involved anyone else from the group or their staff. B.A.P was not being disbanded. The five members would fulfill the remainder of their contracts. 

CEO Kim conveyed the information to them with a look of great sadness on his face. Yongguk tried to keep the great dislike off of his own.

For once, it wasn't that hard. Shock lay over him like a blanket. This couldn't possibly be real.

Except it was, and Yongguk had to deal with it. He had to be the leader. Without Himchan. 

Impossible.

Every time he looked at one of the members, he had his own feelings reflected back at him. Disbelief, Daehyun. Confusion, Junhong. Worry, Youngjae. Numbness, Jongup. 

They went through the motions because it was what they did with the CEO, an automatic response to entering the cool beige conference room where they had first announced their lawsuit and later settled it. 

The meeting took forever. Yongguk was dimly aware they were being stalled so Himchan could have time to pack. 

But finally it ended, with lots of comments about how "regrettable" the whole affair was. Then, blessedly, Kang was back. He led the group back to their studio.

"Get your things," he said gently. "I'm taking you back to the dorm to...to say goodbye." He suddenly looked very young.

They didn't speak, just gathered their coats and backpacks.

Except for Jongup. He stood stock-still off to the side, staring at the floor. Yongguk put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Jongup-ah?"

The dancer looked up at him. His handsome face was a blank. Yongguk didn't bother asking if he was all right. 

"It's just--goodbye for now," Yongguk said. The muscle in Jongup's jaw twitched and he looked away.

"Everyone ready?" Kang asked.

_No_ , Yongguk thought. He was never going to be ready for this.

*

Himchan kept his shit together in the meeting. He didn't look at Yongguk once. Accepted his punishment, made his statement and signed it. 

It was easier than he would have imagined to ruin his own life.

Then he was being ushered out. 

"My janggu's upstairs," he protested. 

"We'll ship you everything you can't take with you today," the stone-faced security guard told him. 

(His name was Dongwhan. He and Himchan had been exchanging grins, small talk and bags of chips for years now. Apparently their casual friendship had reached its end.)

Himchan kept it together in the car, running through a list of everything he should take: his toothbrush. His favorite jeans. The grey shirt he had stolen from Jongup to sleep in. 

(But no, thinking about Jongup, very bad, back away quickly.)

His comb. His plain black coat since it was getting so cold now.

The driver dropped him off in front of the dorm, told him someone would be by to pick him up in an hour or so.

Himchan thought to wonder where he would go. Not his parents', though they certainly had the space. He could have the whole upstairs to himself now if he wanted it. 

Somehow he knew that wouldn't be room enough to let him hide from his humiliation. A hotel would be better.

He thought this through dispassionately as he rode the elevator up, took the familiar path to the apartment, let himself in. 

Inside, though. The familiar warm mess of the place, his true home these past six years. His things mingled with Jongup's and the others'; the slight scent of ramyeon spice and coffee constantly perfuming the air.

For the first time, he let himself feel it.

He didn't live here anymore. He was out of the group.

His chest was caving in. He let out a single strangled sob, and then he had a hand over his mouth, trying to push it back. It didn't want to go. The loss was so huge it suffocated him and for a long time he couldn't catch his breath. 

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, to just... _stop_...right here, right now.

But he didn't. His breath returned to him and his heart maintained its stubborn beat. He swiped angrily under his eyes and went to retrieve his suitcase.

He tried to pack without thinking. He failed. 

The bathroom wasn't so bad, nor the kitchen. He only wanted his mug, anyway. The communal closet, too, was okay; it felt much like packing for tour, except he left his most stylish clothes on their hangers and packed his simplest things instead.

He couldn't face the bedroom, the miserable task of untangling his things from Jongup's. 

Jongup. 

The name threatened to undo him again, and he couldn't let it. 

_Jongup's safe. B.A.P will go on. Jongup's safe. B.A.P will go on._ He chanted to himself as he worked until the words lost all meaning. 

He was just dragging his suitcase back out to the common room when the front door opened and his friends filed in. 

He barely had time to register their presence, so completely had he been in his own head, and then Jongup was coming toward him fast. Himchan opened his arms--and stumbled backwards as Jongup pushed him.

"I can't believe you did that. _How could you do that_?" The dancer pushed him again as he practically shouted the demand. 

"Jongup-ah!" Yongguk and Daehyun were there, pulling him away, though Himchan could tell his boyfriend hadn't used all of his strength or he'd be on the ground right now. 

Jongup barely seemed to notice his hyungs holding him. 

" _How the fuck could you do this? You ruined everything, hyung_ \--"

"Jongup-ah!" Yongguk said again, sharper. Himchan waved a hand at him, approached the smaller man and hugged him. Jongup was shaking. 

"I'm sorry," Himchan said. "I'm sorry, Jonguppie, I'm sorry--"

Jongup was pushing against him, trying to push him away, but he held on, too aware this might be the last time. Finally, Jongup's muscles went slack and he sagged against him. Yongguk and Daehyun cautiously let him go. 

"I'm sorry," Himchan said again, meeting Yongguk's eyes over Jongup's shoulder. Yongguk pressed his lips together and looked away, blinking quickly.

Jongup was no longer pushing. He stood still as a stone. Himchan pulled away to look at him. He had thought he might be crying, but his eyes were dry, dark, his expression blank. Himchan touched his cheek and he didn't pull away. 

"All right?" he asked quietly. Jongup's look turned withering and Himchan smiled despite himself. "Stupid question," he agreed. 

He looked at the others for the first time. Daehyun had his arms woven tightly across his chest like he was cold. Youngjae was fiddling endlessly with the ends of his hoodie strings and biting his lip. Junhong was standing closest to the door and looked ready to bolt. Himchan had to swallow hard but he could still feel the tears in the back of his throat. 

"You guys okay?" he said. Youngjae let out a short incredulous laugh and Daehyun just shook his head. Junhong stepped back and looked at the floor. Himchan glanced at Jongup again. He was glaring at him. 

Yongguk took Himchan's elbow. "Jongup-ah, get some air," he said, pulling Himchan back to his bedroom. He let him. He didn't know what he could possibly say anyway that would help. He let Yongguk close the door behind them. He took a minute before he could look up. Being in the room hurt. The blankets were still mussed from that morning. 

When he could bear it, he sat beside Yongguk on the edge of the bed. They were quiet for awhile.

"What happened?" Yongguk asked finally. 

Himchan told him the truth. Yongguk didn't interrupt. After, he said, "You're sure she won't sell the photos?"

"I've got it in writing. Anyway, she won't need to after this," Himchan said drily. "Bbang...I really am sorry."

"What for?"

It was absurd question and Himchan had to bite back hysterical laughter. 

"For being careless and stupid, and--and just for everything."

Yongguk reached out and took his hand and Himchan started, staring down at their linked fingers. "You protected our dongsaeng," Yongguk said. "That's what we're supposed to do."

Himchan nodded fast. A tear dripped down his cheek before he could stop it. He wiped his cheek on his shoulder. 

"Will you tell him?" Yongguk asked. 

"No." Himchan had been thinking about it all week. "I don't want him--looking over his shoulder. I don't want him to know anyone would do this. Does that--sound stupid?" He chanced a glance at his friend. Yongguk was looking at him and there was something _fractured_ in his expression that hurt to look at. 

"It's not stupid," he said. "But...he'll be angry if he doesn't know the whole truth. He'll be angry at _you_."

"I know." Himchan hadn't actually considered it, but the moment Jongup had pushed him, he had felt something like, _of course_. It stung to think of Jongup being angry with him, but at the same time he understood. From the younger man's perspective, Himchan really _had_ ruined everything, right when things were starting to go so well. 

But better he hate Himchan than know that someone could be as opportunistic as Hyejin. Jongup had grown up so much in the years Himchan had known him, but he still had an innocence to him the older man couldn't bear to shatter. 

"Himchan?"

He looked at Yongguk again. 

"You know--whatever happened we would have all stood by you both. You know that, right?"

Himchan swallowed hard and looked at his hands. "I know," he managed. "I just..." _Say it_. "Maybe I'm just a coward. I don't know what would happen, but I know it would be--big. And I don't think I could do it." 

He imagined Jongup facing the scrutiny they both would if the story broke. The dancer basked in attention onstage, when he was in his element, lost in the music, doing what he'd been born to do. But offstage, he shrank from the spotlight. Himchan could still see it happen, though Jongup had grown so much more skilled in hiding it. 

This would kill him, and it would tear them apart. 

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad," Yongguk offered, but his words were hollow and they both knew it. Himchan imagined Yongguk's music being overshadowed by questions about him and Jongup. No album B.A.P put out could compete with the story. 

He hoped the one he'd substituted instead, the abrupt exit of one member amid a drug scandal, could be forgotten after a few news cycles. Everyone would pay extra attention to the music B.A.P released next, to see if the missing member could even be noticed. 

"Maybe," he said. 

"I don't know if I can do this without you," Yongguk said. 

"Of course you can," Himchan said immediately. His friend was shaking his head. 

"We would never have made it this far without you," he said, meeting Himchan's eyes. Himchan blinked. His disbelief must have shown in his face. "It's true," Yongguk insisted. "Those first six months, if you hadn't been there...You're so good with the dongsaengs; I don't know how..." He trailed off. 

"That's crap. There's not a member in this group who wouldn't rather die than disappoint you. This doesn't change that."

Still, worry bit at him. He had every confidence in Yongguk's ability to take care of the others. But who was going to take care of Yongguk? He rested his head on his shoulder. For old times' sake. 

"I have to finish packing," he said. 

"I'll help."

They had to return to the common room to get Himchan's suitcase. Youngjae and Daehyun were the only two still there, sitting very stiffly on the couch. Youngjae stood up when they entered. 

"Junhongie took Jongup outside," he said. Himchan nodded. Dimly he registered Yongguk dragging his suitcase down the hall. 

"You're--not stupid," Youngjae said. 

"Thank you?"

"I just mean--you had to know what would happen. What _could_ happen."

Damn. Trust Youngjae to work through things fastest. His eyes were narrowed, probing Himchan's face. He kept his expression impassive and waited. "So--so you must have had a really good reason for doing it," Youngjae said. His voice faded, turned pleading. "Right?"

Himchan sighed and sat on the couch next to Daehyun, pulling Youngjae down with him. 

"I don't know if it was a good reason. Just--one of Sleepy-hyung's friends from JYP wound up in the hospital the same way I did, but worse. And after what happened with me, I just--" He tried to order his thoughts, tried to push aside thoughts of Jongup and focus on what he'd actually done. He thought of the whitening creams Daehyun was always trying to lighten his complexion, the way Youngjae used to poke miserably at his teenage belly. What if one of them had done something like this to try to "fix" themselves? The price was too high. 

"It's just--it's _wrong_ ," he said finally, looking at Youngjae. "The companies know half their people are on these pills or doing who even _knows_ what else trying to fit some specific mold--lots of them are just kids, too. Maybe the article will help, make people see how damaging this shit is." 

It felt uncomfortably self-aggrandizing to say this about an act that had been meant to save his own ass--well, Jongup's, anyway--but he suddenly realized he meant it. He hoped Hyejin had been serious with all her talk about wanting to make a difference. Maybe it really was time for this particular truth to come out.

"That's a big risk to take, hyung," Youngjae said. Himchan nodded. 

"All life's a risk, Jae." His dongsaeng smiled very slightly at his own words, echoed back. 

"It won't be the same without you," he said, meeting Himchan's eyes squarely. Himchan nodded. 

"Do me a favor," he said. "Keep an eye on Jonguppie for me." They all would, he knew. But Yongguk's attention would be stretched between the four of them. Junhong was getting better at being assertive, but Jongup was still his hyung. Daehyun avoided conflict whenever possible--and besides, Himchan had another job in mind for him. Youngjae had the right mix of perceptiveness and blunt force that Himchan thought might be necessary to get through to Jongup if he withdrew too far. 

Youngjae nodded.

"What about me?" Daehyun said, affronted, or trying to sound it. But his voice was thick. He was shit at hiding his feelings. Youngjae shook his head, stood up and squeezed Himchan's shoulder tightly for a moment before retreating down the hall. Himchan looked at Daehyun. The singer was chewing on his lower lip and his eyes were swimming. 

"Hey," Himchan said, nudging him. "You know what this means, right? You're the second hyung now. You have to step up."

Daehyun was already shaking his head. 

“ _I_ can’t be a hyung, I’m like twelve minutes older than Youngjae—“

“Better not let him hear you say that or you’ll never hear the end of it.”

Daehyun let out a small reluctant laugh. Himchan turned serious.

“Don’t be scared,” he said softly. “You’ve got this, Dae. Just—make sure Bbang eats. You have to look after him. I’m bequeathing his care and feeding to you.” Daehyun blinked back the tears, nodding quickly. Himchan tried to think practically.

“Ramyeon—if he doesn’t want to eat, he’ll usually at least have ramyeon,” he said. “And if he really won’t sleep, you can always tell him he's being a bad example for Junhongie. Works every time."

Daehyun laughed again. His eyes spilled over but his smile looked more real this time.

“I always knew you used us against him,” he said, swiping at his face with the back of his hand.

“When it comes to Yongguk, sometimes you have to be shameless,” Himchan said. He put his arm around Daehyun and squeezed. “You’ll be fine,” he said. He made himself let go, stand up. God. He still had to do this with Junhong and....He couldn't even think the last name. He felt completely wrung out. “I left you my face wash,” he said briskly. “I know you’re the one using it all the time. And that jacket you like—“

“Oh my god, you’re dying!” Daehyun exclaimed. “That’s what all this is about, isn’t it, you have some kind of incurable disea—“

“I’m not dying,” Himchan said, rolling his eyes. “I just don’t have room to pack everything. Don’t dramatize.”

Daehyun stood up too. “I’m not,” he said. “I’m—totally serious, hyung. We’re—we're good, right? I mean I know we didn’t get along so great at first and, like, fight sometimes—“

“Don’t be stupid,” Himchan interrupted, pushing his shoulder lightly. “Of course we’re good. I love you, Daehyunnie.”

The younger nodded again, then he hugged him hard. “I love you too,” he mumbled into his shoulder.

Good thing Himchan wasn’t the crying kind.

*

Jongup was sitting on the bench outside the building while Junhong rolled around the parking lot on his skateboard. Himchan stood next to the bench but Jongup wouldn't look at him. 

"Junhong-ah," he called instead. The maknae hesitated, and for a beat Himchan thought he would simply ignore him and skate away. But then he kicked the board up into his hand and slouched over. He'd pulled a snapback low over his eyes. Himchan lifted the brim a little so he could see his face. That face, still in flux between fading childhood and the man Junhong very nearly was. 

"It's going to be fine," Himchan told him, because he could see the maknae was afraid. Afraid the group would fall apart again, probably. The lawsuit had hit him so hard; Himchan needed him to understand this wasn't that. 

Junhong shook his head. 

"It _is_. You'll be fine. You'll be great. I can't--can't wait to see what you do next." Himchan's voice caught for a second. He was going to miss so much. 

Junhong's face crumpled and he pulled his cap low again, almost angrily.

"See you, hyung," he said. Then he was gone, gliding across the parking lot. This time he didn't stop when he reached the end. Himchan watched until he was out of sight.

He sat next to Jongup, his legs wobbly. The dancer had his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. He didn't look up. Himchan wanted to rub his back but he had a feeling he'd lost back-rub privileges along with one or two other things. 

"You didn't tell me." Jongup spoke without lifting his head. "How could you not _tell_ me?" And now he _did_ look up, and Himchan was shaken at the fury he still saw in his face, so foreign in Jongup's eyes. He wanted to explain, to say anything to make that expression go away, to bring _his_ Jongup back. 

But to tell the truth now would be unconscionably selfish. 

"I'm sorry," he said instead. "It--seemed like the right thing to do, but I didn't want to get anyone else in trouble, especially you."

"You think I care about that?" Jongup said. "You're out of the group. There _is_ no group now."

"Don't say that," Himchan said sharply. "You guys are going to keep doing great things." 

They had to.

Jongup was shaking his head. "You didn't have to go this far to break up with me," he muttered.

It was on the tip of Himchan's tongue to protest; the words were almost out before he was able to catch them and haul them back.

_I don't want to break up_. So simple, so fucking true. 

He tried to imagine how it would play out. They'd be back to daily phone calls, sometimes less; Jongup wouldn't always have the time or energy. Himchan wouldn't be allowed back in the dorm; Jongup would have to sneak out to visit him, and who knew where he'd be? Hell, for all he knew, TS was instituting a new "Stay away from Himchan" clause in the members' contracts at this very moment. 

Jongup would be gone on tour for months at a stretch, and Himchan would be--what? Where? His own future was a terrifying blank.

They'd be caught. Without the privacy afforded them by the dorm, by their friends, they'd be caught sooner or later, and Himchan didn't have any more scandals up his sleeve to exchange for a reporter's silence. All this would be for nothing. 

So he did the unthinkable and sat silently, didn't reassure Jongup. It felt a little like he was stabbing himself in the chest very slowly.

"It--was never going to work, Jongup-ah," he said finally. "Not in the long-term. It--that doesn't mean I don't love you, I just--" 

Jongup held up a hand and Himchan went silent. 

_Stab, stab, stab._

"You should have just said. You didn't have to--." He was massaging his temples with the tips of his fingers. Himchan wanted to take his hands away and do that for him. Get him his glasses, scold him for not wearing them. But he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, either.

"The company really knew?" Jongup looked at him again. His eyes were red, but dry. 

"I didn't realize it at the time, but yeah, apparently," Himchan said. Jongup clenched his jaw. 

"We should all breach our contracts," he said darkly. Himchan laughed once. His throat burned. 

"Don't," he said. "Keep writing, keep dancing. The company's a...necessary evil, that's all."

Jongup shook his head and looked away. The door opened behind them and Yongguk came out, toting Himchan's suitcase. 

"You didn't have to do that," Himchan said, standing. Yongguk just shrugged. Jongup stood too, brushed past Himchan on his way inside. Himchan made to follow him, but Yongguk put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Give him a little time?" he said. Himchan watched Jongup disappear back into the building. The thought of him going back into their room alone, upset--it kind of made him want to die. He'd never left Jongup alone upset before. He hoped he would at least let Daehyun and Youngjae keep him company. 

A familiar van pulled into the lot. It was going to feel huge without the other members crowded in around him. He supposed it was good that this would be his last time inside.

"Will you go to your parents'?" Yongguk asked. 

"God. No," Himchan said. They would take him in, he was sure; even his mother would never actually turn him away. But he couldn't bear the thought of explaining. All this time they'd thought they had a son they could be proud of. He couldn't stand to be the one to tell them otherwise. "Don't worry, I'll--let you know when I figure it out."

The van pulled to a stop in front of them. They looked at it, then each other. Yongguk looked so young suddenly, the same as the kid he'd been when they first met. 

"Tell Junhongie I'm proud of him," Himchan said. He had so much to say; who ever thought they'd run out of time? "And take care of the others, too, and fucking _eat_ sometimes, Bbang, seriously, you're my best friend but if I find out you've wound up in the hospital because you forgot to sleep or something I'll come back and smother you with a pi--"

Yongguk hugged him. He was all muscle and bone, Bang Yongguk, but Himchan could feel his heart beating and he knew too well about the warm squishy insides that made up his best friend, and he knew he was as heartsore as Himchan. He hugged him back for a long time. 

When they let go, he climbed into the van, and when the driver asked him where he wanted to go, he finally had an answer.

*

"Himchan?"

Mina looked surprised to see him, and more surprised still when she spotted the suitcase at his feet.

"Are you busy?" he asked. 

She didn't ask, just stepped back to allow him entry into her apartment for the second time. She'd decorated since he'd been here last, had hung the pictures and bought a few plants. The place felt lived-in now, with used mugs and bowls littering the coffee table and what looked like half of Mina's wardrobe slung carelessly over the furniture. 

"It's a mess," she explained. Himchan collapsed on a bare stretch of couch. 

"It's fine," he said. Mina was still hovering around the doorway. 

"What happened?" she asked. For the second time that day, he told the truth. Mina's face went white as he spoke, her lips compressed into a thin line. When he finished, she stood and went to the kitchen, pulled a mostly-full bottle of white wine from the fridge and poured an enormous glass. She drank half of it down before grabbing another glass from the cabinet. She blew the dust out of it and brought it over to Himchan. They drank in silence, too fast. The wine was cold and sour going down, and Himchan could feel it settle in his empty stomach. 

"I didn't know. I swear to God I didn't know, Himchan," Mina said. Himchan waved her words away. 

"I know. It's not your fault. Although if your guilt means you'll let me crash on your couch for a few days, I won't say no."

"Of course," she said. "As long as you need, honestly." She moved a stack of clothes to sit on the other end of the couch. "We're going to need more wine," she said.

*

**Week 52**

*****

Lee Hyejin had a new coat, and her glasses had been replaced with a pair that didn't slide endlessly down her nose. She looked sharply pretty, the "after" shot in the movie about the mousy-but-plucky up-and-coming reporter. Her lips were in a barely-suppressed smile as she exited the editing office. 

Mina tucked her newspaper into her bag and approached, saving her greeting until she was very close to the other woman. Hyejin's expression froze when she saw her. 

Mina slapped her hard across the cheek. It stung her palm. She'd never hit anyone before. 

A few passersby slowed, uncertain if they should intervene.

"Nice article," Mina said. "You must be so proud." Then she called her a word she saved for very special occasions, and turned and left the reporter standing stunned, hand to her reddened cheek.

*

"It's a very fair article, I guess." Himchan was lying on the couch, as had become his custom in the past few weeks. Mina was happy to see he'd at least gotten dressed today, and as always the dishes were sparkling in the drainer beside the sink. 

"You left the house?" she asked, taking the newspaper out of her bag. She'd meant to get a copy before Himchan could, to vet it for him, to be with him when he read it. 

"Didn't have to," he said, lifting his tablet. "It's all over the internet."

She nudged his foot and he lifted his legs magnanimously so she could slide under them if she so wished. She pushed them gently to the floor instead, then sat. 

"At least she's more condemning of the companies for looking the other way than of the trainees and idols taking the pills," she said grudgingly. In fact, if Hyejin hadn't screwed over Himchan, and used Mina to help her do it, Mina might have admired the article. It was a call to arms, meant to enrage the public as it raised awareness of what their strict standards actually meant for the artists subjected to them. 

But Mina was not in a forgiving mood. 

" _Viva la revolucion_ ," Himchan agreed. "Bbang would be so pleased."

"Have you talked to him?" Mina asked. She thought she knew the answer, and wasn't surprised when he shook his head. In the end, she had been the one to text Yongguk, and Jongup too, to let them know where Himchan was. Yongguk had responded with a simple _Thanks_ ; Jongup not at all. 

"And--anyone else?" She had learned early not to say Jongup's name unless she wanted to watch Himchan fight back tears. In any case, there were plenty of other people she could have meant, most notably his parents or sister. Mina had alerted Hana, with Himchan's permission, to the situation. She had come over and the three of them spent a depressing evening polishing off an alarming amount of wine. Himchan had steadfastly refused to speak to his parents. 

"No," he said, sitting up. He tossed a sheaf of paper Mina hadn't noticed onto the coffee table in front of her. She stared down at it, dismayed but somehow not at all surprised. 

"Oh, Himchan. Are you sure?" she asked. He nodded. 

"Can't live on your couch forever." 

"I don't know; I was getting to like having someone to clean up after me," she said, trying to smile at him. She hadn't minded his company at all, in the end, morose as he'd been. Maybe she really should get a cat. 

"When will you go?" she went on, too kind to make him respond to her weak attempt at a joke. 

"There's open recruitment, so I was thinking...maybe tomorrow," Himchan said. 

Mina hadn't expected it to be so soon. Her heart gave a painful lurch. 

But it wasn't her place to try to talk him out of it; there was little point, anyway. It would happen sooner or later. 

"You should call him," she couldn't help but say. Himchan looked away. " _Himchan_. You need to say goodbye." 

He had told her, briefly and weepily at the end of a wine-soaked night, about his parting from Jongup. Part of her wanted to find the dancer and shake him for letting Himchan leave the way he had. The other part of her knew that if he was hurting half as much as Himchan, she could hardly judge him for it.

"I need to shower," Himchan corrected. "We're going out to dinner. My last hurrah kind of thing, and to say thanks for putting up with me for so long. You're the best." The smile he gave her was sad and fond. 

She should have slapped Hyejin twice.

*

"Hyung?"

Junhong hovered in the doorway. Jongup was flat on his back in bed. He'd found a glittery bouncy ball in one of the gift bags from the fans, and he was seeing how many times he could throw it up and catch it without missing, or, like, hitting himself in the face. 

He was up to 2,412. 

"Hm."

"We were thinking hamburgers for dinner?" Junhong said. 

"I'm not hungry." This was true. Promotions and practices had been suspended in anticipation of the impending article release. Instead, the five remaining members of B.A.P had been in meeting after meeting with lawyers and publicists and script-writers, perfecting their answers to the inevitable oncoming onslaught of press headed their way. TS Entertainment's good image would not be sullied by Himchan's betrayal; they were making sure of it.

The whole thing made Jongup ill. 

He couldn't stop going over it all. How strange Himchan had been after the interview. How nervous he'd been before. He must have planned it. What had changed his mind? Jongup had thought he might want to end things after the horrible scene with his mother, but it had only seemed to strengthen his resolve to stay with Jongup. And with the album release such a success, it didn't make _sense_. So he kept turning things over in his mind, searching for the piece he must be missing. 

It wasn't fun, but it burned fewer calories than dancing, so he didn't need to eat so much.

Junhong hesitated a moment, then left. 

2,455.

2,679.

Jongup's phone rang. He let it. 

3,009.

The buzz of a text message. Ignored.

3,219. 

"Jongup-ah."

His hand stuttered. The ball hit his knuckle and dropped. He could hear it bounce across the floor. He looked across the room at Yongguk. 

"I don't want a hamburger, hyung," he said. 

Yongguk didn't leave. He joined Jongup on the bed, pulled his skinny knees up to his chest. Jongup scooted closer to the wall to make room.

They had been spending a lot of time together in silence lately. The rapper was about the only person whose presence Jongup could tolerate in more than tiny doses. Junhong was still twitchy with guilt over his last moments with Himchan. Daehyun tried too hard to overcompensate whenever anyone was unhappy, and it set Jongup on edge.

Youngjae wasn't too bad, seemed able to sense when Jongup had had enough company and would make himself scarce. 

But mostly it was him and Yongguk, sharing their grief without needing to discuss it. 

Tonight, though, Yongguk plucked Jongup's phone from its place on the bedside table. 

"Mina called both of us," he said. "You need to call her back."

*

He didn't want to, but when Yongguk got that tone, Jongup knew better than to argue.

"Thank goodness, I don't have much time." 

Mina wasn't one for pleasantries. Jongup was grateful. 

He wondered if Himchan was still staying with her. There had been an ugly moment when Mina had texted to tell him he was there, when Jongup had thought she was _gloating_ , thought maybe this was the missing piece of the puzzle  and she and Himchan were getting back together after all. 

But Youngjae had been with him when he got the text, had seen how Jongup's thoughts were going, had flicked him repeatedly on the forehead and called him stupid until he admitted it didn't actually seem likely.

"What's up?" he asked carefully.

"Himchan's leaving tomorrow," Mina said. "He's going to enlist."

She kept talking, rattling off details, saying things about goodbyes and closure and how they both deserved it or something, but there was a rushing in Jongup's ears that made it hard to take in things like departure times. 

Yongguk was still with him. He saw Jongup's face and gently took the phone from him.

"Mina," he interrupted. "It's Yongguk. Tell me again." He listened, wrote some things down while Jongup tried to remember how to breathe. Tried to remember Himchan wasn't his boyfriend anymore, didn't want him. 

It didn't help. The idea of him being gone, really gone in the army for two years, away from Jongup so completely, was unbearable.

Yongguk hung up. He put Jongup's phone and the pad he'd been writing on in front of the dancer. Jongup could just make out a time and train station in the rapper's messy scrawl. 

Yongguk didn't say anything, just touched Jongup's shoulder lightly before leaving him alone. 

He stared at the paper for a long time, then rolled out of bed. Found the bouncy ball. Began again at one.

*

He almost didn't go. _Shouldn't_ have gone; they had an interview to get to. But he stopped outside the elevator. Couldn't get on. Couldn't go back. 

Himchan was _leaving_. 

The others looked at him. He met Yongguk's eyes. 

"Go," Yongguk said.

*

Jongup was at the train station. 

It was crowded with people who jostled him with every step. He muttered apologies as he pushed his way forward. He could hear the announcement over the loudspeaker.

He knew how this story went.

He knew how it felt to watch the train pull out just as he broke through into the open space on the platform. 

At least he was on the right side of the tracks for once. Not that it did him any good. He panted slightly as he watched the train leave.

"I dreamt this," he said numbly. 

"Dreamt what?"

He turned fast to find Himchan behind him, duffel bag slung over his shoulder. Jongup had to blink a few times to be sure the image wouldn't fade, that he wasn't only imagining the older man's presence.

"You're still here," he said. Himchan nodded. 

"Mina called me," he said. "She said you might come, so--I waited."

Jongup nodded. They were standing in the middle of the platform. It was beginning to fill up again with commuters waiting for the next train. It wouldn't be long. Himchan motioned to the bench off to the side, out of the flow of traffic.

They sat beside each other without touching. 

"What are you doing here, Jongup-ah?" Himchan's voice was soft, curious. 

"I couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye." His anger from that last day at the dorm hadn't left him entirely, but it had faded. _Everything_ had faded in the past two weeks. The world had gone all sepia-toned and hazy. Himchan alone was still sharp. 

"And I wanted to say--" Jongup stopped and swallowed. "I'm not sorry. You don't want to be with me, that's fine, but--but I'm not sorry we were. You're--I still--" The words tangled on their way out. He massaged his forehead as if it might help. 

Himchan pressed the side of his leg against Jongup's and Jongup looked over at him. 

"Me too," Himchan said. His voice was hoarse. There was a tightness around his eyes Jongup knew meant he hadn't been sleeping. "I--" Himchan hoisted his bag into his lap and rifled through an outside pocket under he unearthed an envelope with Jongup's name on it. "I didn't think I'd see you, so--" Himchan handed it to him. Their fingers brushed as Jongup took it. 

He felt the rumble in his feet. The next train, Himchan's train, coming up the track. 

The older man stood. "I have to go," he said. Jongup nodded and stood up too. He wasn't going to cry here. The force it took to contain himself hurt his face all the way down into his neck. "Thanks for coming," Himchan said. Jongup clutched the envelope. 

"That's your train," he said needlessly. Himchan nodded. His eyes probed the dancer's face as though he were memorizing it.

"Bye, Jonguppie."

"Bye, Himchan."

It was worse than any dream he'd had, watching that train pull out of the station. It seemed to take something of Jongup's with it. His chest felt emptied out. 

He sank back onto the bench. He'd crumpled the envelope in his hand, he smoothed it now. He couldn't bring himself to open it. 

After a time, someone sat next to him. 

Jongup didn't look up. They didn't speak. Another train came and went, then another, and another.

Another.

Finally, Jongup lifted his head and met Yongguk's eyes. 

"Let's go home," he said.

*

The others were in the common room when they returned to the dorm. Junhong and Youngjae made room for Jongup between them on the couch. Daehyun passed Yongguk a bottle of soju without a word. 

The five of them sat together silently.

“So,” Youngjae spoke up first. They all looked at him.  He met Jongup's eyes bleakly. “What happens next?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before you throw things at me--there will be a third and final part to the series!! This isn't it for Himup, so I hope you'll stick with me! :)
> 
> Mostly, though, I just want to thank you so much. I so appreciate everyone who's read, left kudos and comments, or reached out to me on Twitter. I've had so much fun talking to you guys and it blows my mind that that there are people willing to hang out for such a long story! I love writing these boys and it's so fun having company along the way. You're all awesome. <3
> 
> A huge, special thanks to my girl Chngminxo (who you should all be reading if you're not already)--Thank you so, so much; you've been my daily source of encouragement and enthusiasm, random tangents and writing inspiration. And keyboard smashes; always the endless keyboard smashes. I feel so lucky for your friendship every day. I love you. This story, and what comes next, are for you. <3


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